Fairy Rourou lay flat on her back on our pine floorboards, crying softly as the massive, serpentine tapeworm shifted violently under the skin of her stomach.
"Boss," I whispered, holding a blank legal scroll and a piece of charcoal. "I don't know how to extract a Class-Two Parasitic Gluttony-Worm. We don't have tweezers big enough, and if Mr. Wiggles bites her stomach to get it out, I think we'd be liable for manslaughter."
Lo Yu puffed his bamboo pipe, blowing a smoke ring toward the rotting ceiling. "We are Litigation Masters, Junior Associate. We do not use tweezers. We use jurisdiction. Draft a formal Notice of Eviction."
"An eviction notice?" I blinked. "For a tapeworm?"
"It is currently occupying a residential Yin-vessel without paying rent or signing a lease," Lo Yu rasped, his single visible eye gleaming. "Under the Capital's Squatter's Rights, we must serve it with a thirty-day notice. But since it is actively consuming the landlord's spiritual property, we can expedite the process."
I grinned. I immediately dropped to one knee and began furiously scribbling on the scroll.
"To the Unregistered Biological Entity currently residing in the digestive tract of Fairy Rourou," I narrated out loud. "You are hereby ordered to vacate the premises immediately due to gross non-payment of caloric rent and severe structural damage. Failure to comply will result in immediate, forceful repossession by the Heavenly Peak Bailiffs!"
I slammed my official Litigation Master seal onto the bottom of the parchment.
"Now what?" I asked.
"Now, we serve the defendant," Lo Yu said smoothly.
He snatched the glowing legal scroll from my hands, rolled it into a tight, incredibly dense cylinder, and turned to Fairy Rourou.
"Open wide, Fairy," Lo Yu commanded.
Before she could protest, Lo Yu jammed the rolled-up legal document directly into her mouth and forcefully pushed it down her throat.
Rourou gagged, her eyes widening in horror.
The moment the legally binding Eviction Notice hit her stomach acid, the glowing red ink flared with the absolute, terrifying authority of the Heavenly Dao's bureaucratic system.
A muffled, high-pitched shriek echoed from deep inside her intestines.
The skin of her stomach rippled violently. The tapeworm was panicking. It could fight stomach acid, it could fight digestion, but it absolutely could not fight an expedited eviction notice.
"It's retreating!" I yelled, grabbing an empty pickle jar from the wine-barrel desk.
Suddenly, Rourou's jaw unhinged. A long, glowing white, incredibly fat tapeworm shot out of her mouth like a terrified rocket, fleeing the legal jurisdiction of her digestive tract.
I swung the pickle jar like a baseball glove and caught the parasite mid-air. I slammed the lid shut.
The tapeworm thrashed against the glass, screeching silently, utterly defeated by Earth-realm property law.
"Flawless execution," Lo Yu chuckled, helping the gasping, bewildered Fairy Rourou to her feet. "Fairy, you are parasite-free. My Junior Associate will hold onto Exhibit A for the trial. Please, go have a sandwich. We will contact you when the settlement clears."
She paid us an initial retainer, wept tears of joy, and practically sprinted out of the beaded curtain to find a noodle stand.
"Boss, we are unstoppable," I laughed, holding the jar up to the light. "I'm going to run down to the market and get us some celebratory beef soup. Watch the office."
I grabbed a few low-grade spirit stones and stepped out into the alleyway. The air was crisp, and I felt like a legal god.
As I turned the corner toward the main street, I passed two Outer Court disciples in plain robes. They were whispering excitedly to each other.
"I'm telling you, Brother," the first disciple murmured, his face flushed. "The rumors are true. The Wall of Anonymous Enlightenment is back in business."
My footsteps faltered. I froze.
"No way," the second disciple gasped. "I thought the new Litigation Masters shut it down? I heard they nailed the holes shut!"
"They missed the third one on the left!" the first guy grinned widely. "And whoever they hired to run it... Heavens above. It's the legendary Ming Dynasty technique."
"The Ming Dynasty technique?"
"Total, absolute lack of enamel," the first disciple whispered reverently, shuddering. "Pure gum-work. Completely frictionless. A vacuum seal so tight it pulled my soul straight out of my Dantian. It was incredible."
My blood instantly turned to ice.
The third hole on the left. The one right next to our wine-barrel desk.
Frictionless. Pure gum-work. A total lack of enamel.
I didn't buy the beef soup. I turned around and sprinted back toward the firm, my heart hammering against my ribs in absolute, unadulterated terror.
I burst through the beaded curtain, gasping for air.
The office was empty, save for Lo Yu and the goat. Mr. Wiggles was still sleeping on the floorboards.
Lo Yu was sitting behind the desk. He looked up at me and smiled.
It was his signature, missing-tooth smile.
A smile with a profound, noticeable lack of enamel.
I stared at him. I looked at his mouth. Then, I looked at the third glory hole on the wall, which was located exactly at waist-height right next to where Lo Yu usually sat.
My stomach violently heaved.
He's a three-hundred-year-old degenerate, my brain screamed in sheer panic. He sniffs dirty panties for superpowers. He sucks on sweaty boots. Is it really that much of a stretch to think he's running a side hustle munching on crusty Yang-roots to pay for the electric bill?!
"Junior Associate?" Lo Yu rasped, his brow furrowing as he noticed my pale, trembling face. "Did you forget the soup? You look like you've seen a ghost."
I couldn't speak. I looked from Lo Yu to the goat.
The goat was sitting in the corner, happily chewing on a thick, cylindrical piece of an old broom handle. It swallowed the wood whole, without chewing, using the sheer suction of its throat.
Or the goat, my paranoia spiraled completely out of control. The goat eats swords. What if the goat is standing by the wall, eating everything that comes through the hole?!
"I... I need to take a walk," I squeaked, backing out of the office.
If my boss was a glory-hole operator, I was going to quit. If the goat was doing it, I was going to have to take the head of security out back and put it down like Old Yeller.
I had to investigate. I had to know the truth.