The day was bright, and birds were chirping a sweet melody. People were heading out for work in the early morning. A steady breeze blew through the air. The elderly were going out for their morning walks. Newspaper and milk delivery workers were on their way to everyone's homes. Looking at it all, it was one of those perfect mornings to live in.
Everything was quiet, there were no car horns or honking around, and no disturbing noises came from anywhere. It gave me a feeling of being far away, as if I were at a hill station or in a mountain village with no technology to live with. It was quite comfortable.
Even inside my house, if I looked around, everything was silent. The front door was still locked since I hadn't stepped outside yet. Well, that made sense—who moves around at 6:37 in the morning, especially when you don't have an office job to get to do? Even so, I usually wake up early and finish all of the household chores before 10:00 AM.
Not only that, but the living room was dead silent because the TV was off. I hadn't used it in three days. The last time I turned it on was to watch the Taekwondo series, I needed to watch it so I could help with the betting listings.
The kitchen was still exactly as it had been left last night. The dirty dishes were just stockpiling in the sink, and I didn't know when I would finally get around to washing them. I had only made a single cup of coffee at the very start of the morning, and it had already been about an hour since then.
The kitchen was a bit rugged compared to the other rooms because I hadn't had any time to tend to it. Even my room with the gray gate remained locked. I didn't want to go back in there. I didn't know what I would become if I ever touched whatever was inside again. I had even put up a massive lock on it, along with a sign for me to read: 'Don't you dare open it'.
It was a constant reminder to myself that what happened last time must never happen again.
Now, if I come to my bedroom, it was the biggest mess of all. I don't even know how to describe it.
"AND THAT'S A KNOCKOUT."
I looked up and raised my fists, savoring the moment. I thanked God for finally giving me this opportunity. It was a truly peak moment for me because now I could finally get up from this damn bed. My back ached, and on top of that, I had been starving since yesterday evening. It had already been more than twenty-four hours since I last filled my stomach with a proper meal.
*Tremble*
As I was about to stand up, my legs trembled furiously. If life had a health bar, my knees would be on the verge of depletion.
"I have to do some workout, first."
*Grrrrr*
"I guess I have to eat first."
I looked around my room. To be exact, it was an absolute disaster right now. Making a promise to Miraj always pushed me to the absolute limit. Dust had collected on the floor, and the window was so blurry that the incoming sunlight looked heavily filtered. To be honest, the entire place desperately needed a deep clean.
Even my desk and the books I studied were covered in dust. Cobwebs had even begun to form in the corners of the walls. My bedsheet was also a disaster, and it was starting to smell bad. I guess that was from the soup I spilled all over it last night. It had happened right during the most critical moment of the match. As the bets were piling up instantly, I ignored the spilled soup and focused entirely on my laptop. I guess that was my mistake.
Once halftime arrived, I finally got up. I immediately grabbed a cloth to clean it, but the liquid had already soaked into the mattress. That's why it still smells so bad.
I didn't get a single moment to relax all night, let alone sleep. If I keep doing this on a regular basis, my body is going to give out entirely.
"I will do this later."
I left the messy bedsheet on the bed and walked downstairs. Looking around my house, I couldn't believe how much it had deteriorated since I stopped paying attention to it. I sat down in my chair, my mind going completely blank. I didn't even have the energy to cook.
"I guess I have to order something."
I pulled out my phone and ordered some food. While waiting for the delivery, I needed something to tide me over. I looked at the kettle on the gas stove. Maybe there was still some left? I opened it, and thank God, there was some leftover coffee. I had brewed more than usual.
I drank it, a faint smile returning to my face as I wondered what to do next after eating. Suddenly, my phone rang. I picked it up, already expecting the voice on the other end.
"Hey Dylan."
Speak of the devil.
"Yes, Miraj."
"Where are you, buddy? It's almost time for swimming. You have to be on time."
I spoke in a pleading voice. Right now, I didn't even have the strength to argue.
"Please, give me a break, Miraj. I don't have any strength left."
"But what am I supposed to do without you?"
"I haven't eaten properly in days. On top of that, my whole house is a disaster, and my fridge is completely empty."
"So what? Order something. No, wait, I'll order for you."
"I already did."
"Then what's the issue?"
"Ever since this multi-sport tournament started, I haven't slept properly. It's been weeks. I need to rest, or else you're going to lose your star bettor."
"No, wait—"
*Hang*
I hung up. I knew the others weren't as good at this as I was, but he would just have to manage without me for a while. It reminded me of the time he had helped me out.
'I promise to repay you for everything.'
'You don't need to do that. Just keep your promise and show up on time. I can't afford to lose my best middleman during an important series.'
And now, here we were at that time of year. I wished I had just paid him back with money instead of this.
It brought back memories of when I received his message. We had just returned from the restaurant and shared a nice, quiet conversation. That night had been pleasant, but his text was what kept me awake all night.
-Dylan, it's time. Get on your computer at 00:15. I will send you the bets and listings beforehand.
-Okay, I will be on time.
I wished it had been easy. From that point on, I was glued to my computer 24/7. If I had to go through that even one more time, I would completely lose my mind. My phone suddenly rang again. Annoyed, I didn't even check the caller ID before picking up and shouting.
"NOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Why are you screaming? It's me, Samayra."
I hesitated for a moment before answering. She was the last person I expected to call today. What could she want?
"Oh! Oh, I am so sorry."
"What happened? Who were you talking to before me?"
"No, it's... nothing. Just work."
*sigh*
I sighed quietly. It was probably best if I didn't tell her anything about my line of work.
"Anyway, want to go somewhere?"
"Somewhere?"
"Yes! Let's go to the flower garden."
"Huh."
The next thing I knew, we were both there. I hate being unprepared, yet here I was with absolutely no preparation—no bath, no clean clothes, and zero sleep. I looked at Samayra as we walked along the edge of the bush trail. Right now, I was so exhausted I could easily fall asleep standing up. In times like this, I could sleep like a horse.
"Hey, wait here."
Samayra stopped me at a clearing, her eyes locked on a bed of asters swaying in the breeze. As the wind blew from east to west, the flowers danced along with it. She sat down near the flower bed, gazing at them peacefully. She looked so happy. I wished I could share that feeling, but the only thing on my mind was.
"Hey, Dylan, aren't they beautiful?"
[She turned around only to find Dylan fast asleep. Dylan was sprawled out on the bench, one hand resting on his thigh and the other tucked beside his head. Dylan was sleeping so peacefully, as if he didn't have a single care in the world—though his mouth was wide open with saliva pooling at the corner. Samayra stared at him with a deadpan expression. She pulled out a soft handkerchief and gently wiped his face. And then...]
*Bump*
She slapped me hard with that handkerchief.
"What? What... Where am I?"
For a moment, I completely lost my bearings. It felt as though I had fallen asleep in my room and woken up on an entirely different planet. I looked ahead, Samayra was standing there with an annoyed expression, hands planted firmly on her hips, her eyebrows furrowed into a deep pout.
"I'm trying to talk to you, and you're just sleeping!"
"I'm... I'm sorry. It's just stress from last night."
I wished it were just one night, but it was over a week's worth of accumulated exhaustion. We were in a gorgeous garden, yet all I could picture was a comfortable bed. I could almost hear its voice calling out to me.
'Come to me.'
Just as I was about to dive into it, a sudden jolt shook me awake. Samayra was shaking me back and forth, pulling me out of my daze. I realized I had been daydreaming with my eyes wide open.
"You are still half-asleep!"
"I'm sorry. I really can't help it."
"Wait a second. I think drinking something tangy might wake you up."
She rummaged through her bag for a second, then dashed off toward the snack counter far in the distance.
"Just wait here! I'll get you something!"
I watched her figure grow smaller through my heavy, blinking eyes. Sleep was winning. I looked at the flowers surrounding me, they were so beautiful and comforting that I could have stared at them all day. This wasn't my first time here, which made me wonder, was it truly the same as back then, or had everything changed?
Lost in thought, I closed my eyes once more. I had a feeling I was about to meet him again.
[The Sanctuary of the Mind.]
[Inside the dark void, where there is nothing to be seen—a place where light always stops itself from entering. This is the miniature sanctuary of a person's soul. A place where one can live peacefully, uncaring of what others think or what will happen to them. It is the only truly comfortable haven in the entire world.
Yet, something still worries Dylan. Everything feels fragile and crumbling as he walks down the path, scanning the darkness to find someone. He freezes for a moment, wondering if things will really be okay. But then, a memory sparks inside him.]
I was back here again. The place people call their safe haven: their own mind. People always say they love hanging out with others, or conversely, that they prefer being entirely alone. But it's never that simple. Living with others can be exhausting, eventually, you grow tired of them.
Yet, living in isolation can be just as gruesome. You begin to rot from the inside out, feeling increasingly pathetic. Sometimes, you don't even know what to do, but you still can't tell anyone because you have no one to turn to.
Even after all of that, there is still one place where you might find comfort—your own head. But I suppose I can't say the same for myself. Even my mind isn't a safe place for me to be right now.
I looked down at my hands, feeling them go numb and tremble with phantom pain. I remembered the last time I met him, and the bitter confrontation we had.
'Nothing will change until I cut myself off from you.'
'If it all has to end, then it has to be like this.'
I remembered our clash, and a heavy sense of guilt washed over me. No matter what had happened, I shouldn't have done what I did. I don't know if I'll ever truly change, but I know I made a mistake, and now I have to fix it.
I walked blindly through the darkness, moving in a straight line. After a few moments, I finally came across him—the one I needed to be with, the one who needed my help more than anyone else.
My past self. I looked at him, my eyes welling with emotion, completely lost for words. I knelt on one knee in front of him.
"Hey, look at me. Hey."
He didn't respond, keeping his arms tightly wrapped around his legs. A profound sense of dread emanated from him, and I could feel his pain deeply. A feeling I thought I had buried long ago was rushing back to me. In a trembling, tearful voice, he asked
"Why are you here?"
"Because…"
"Why are you here again?"
"I am here for you."
"Liar. Liar. Liar! You don't care about me. You don't even view me as a part of yourself. How can you say you're here for me when all you care about is yourself?"
I sat there and listened to his painful venting. I knew that, right now, he was completely broken. He didn't want to forgive me, he didn't even want to look at me.
"I know I did wrong, and I've done things that never should have happened. But I can fix it this time. Everything will be fine, believe me."
"Believe you? How can you expect me to do that? You don't want me. You're happy on your own, right? Then go live like that."
"That's not the whole truth. I need you. I need you more than anyone."
As my words reached his ears, his sobbing quieted down. He looked up at me and smiled. For a fleeting second, it felt like he was starting to trust me again. Relief washed over me, and I leaned in to hug him.
"You think you're really all grown up, don't you?"
His next words cut through the silence, making me shudder. He looked at me, his smile widening unnaturally.
"You became the exact same kind of adult they were."
My eyes widened and I froze. A wave of hopelessness washed over me as my mind went completely blank. Those were the exact words I had spent my entire life trying to avoid hearing—and now, they were being thrown at me by my own self.
Seizing the moment of my paralysis, he lunged at me with full force. I fell backward onto the ground as he pinned himself to my chest. I couldn't even raise my hands, I was still completely paralyzed by his words.
"Nothing will be fine,"
He whispered, his voice distorted and echoing.
"No matter how hard you try."
With those final words, he wrapped his hands tightly around my throat and began to choke me. His grip was vice-like, and I couldn't push him off. He pressed down harder and harder, squeezing the air from my lungs until my vision began to fade.
Suddenly, a soft voice echoed in my ears. It was Samayra's voice.
'Being with you always makes me feel comforted.'
A sudden rush of relief washed over me. My consciousness flooded back as I stared up at my past self. For the first time, I realized I could see his face clearly—it wasn't a blurred memory anymore.
I grabbed his wrists and forced his hands away from my throat. He struggled against me, but his grip slowly weakened, his expression turning anxious.
I pinned both of his arms with one hand and wrapped my legs tightly around him to lock him in place. He thrashed, trying to break free, but he couldn't move. I pulled him in and hugged him with everything I had.
"It's okay. You don't have to struggle anymore. I'm right here."
At first, he tried to push me away. But after struggling for what felt like an eternity, his resistance crumbled, and he began to weep. He cried and cried, pouring his heart out.
"I know it was hard, but I promise I will do whatever it takes to become the person you wanted me to be."
Because deep down, I knew I needed my own forgiveness more than anything else.
His crying subsided. Burying his face in my shoulder, he mumbled.
"You're still so far away from me."
I let go of the lock and looked at him.
"If that's true, then I will return once I've become the person you need."
"But even if you do that... he is still waiting for you."
"What?"
My vision began to blur, and the dark void vanished into a bright flash. I woke up back in the garden. Looking around, I realized the sky was already painted with the colors of evening—I had slept the entire day away.
I felt a slight weight against my left side. I looked down to see Samayra sleeping peacefully beside me. A heavy wave of guilt washed over me, we had come here to hang out, and I had ruined the entire day for her. But there was nothing I could do to change it now. She looked so incredibly beautiful while she slept, but I knew I had to wake her up.
"Samayra. Samayra."
I gently nudged her a couple of times until she stirred. Stretching her arms and legs, she looked around sleepily and asked.
"Did you sleep well?"
"I'm so sorry. I completely ruined our day."
She glanced down at her watch, then looked back up at me.
"It's not over yet."
"What?"
"Remember what you once told me? Now it's my turn."
"…."
"The day isn't over for us yet."
"…."
"Since you think you ruined it, you'll just have to come with me and make up for it."
"What do you mean?"
*Sigh*
"Are you stupid? Let's go grab something to eat."
I smiled, looking at her with a profound sense of relief. We walked out onto the road together. I watched her from behind, she was smiling and looked genuinely happy. This evening might actually turn out great, I thought.
Yet, those parting words from my dream still echoed in my ears, and the lingering weight of guilt refused to fade. The harder I tried to get close to my past self, the further away I seemed to drift away from him. Or maybe... maybe I was just too terrified to truly confront him. I didn't know if I would ever be strong enough to handle it.
[A figure watched both of them from a distance. Anger burned in his eyes, a simmering rage he could barely control. His gaze remained locked on Samayra as he watched her walk away.]