*Alarm rings*
I stretched my arm and silenced the alarm. Waking up early in the morning was always a part of my schedule—looking out for everything, marking all the days in the week, and checking to see if everything was fine. Only then would my actual day start.
But nowadays, I don't feel like doing any of it. Lately, ever since Samayra left, it feels like something is missing inside of me. From that day onward, nothing has been the same, even though everything looks exactly the way it's supposed to be. We still meet regularly, we talk the way we used to, and we even chat every night, but there is still something missing. It has been about a week since this feeling started.
I think her mood is still off after everything that happened. Even though people say, "I am fine, I will cope and forget everything," it's still way harder than it looks. The person you gave your everything to for the past few years is suddenly no longer yours. No matter how hard you try to get them back, if they don't want you for even a single moment, you can't have them. I guess this is exactly what Samayra is feeling right now.
But today might not be just another ordinary day, because I am going to make it special for her. I won't let her stay in this slump. She needs a fresh start to lift her spirits, and for that reason, I have already planned the entire day.
I got out of bed and threw a few kicks and punches into the air.
*Thud*
I ran downstairs so fast that I slipped on a step and fell.
"Ouch, ouch, ouch."
It hurt, but it didn't matter today. I puffed out my chest and took a deep breath. There was a shine in my eyes just thinking about my plan.
"1… 2… 3… 4… 99."
*Huff* *Huff*
I was exhausted after doing that many crunches. Oh man, I guess I need to start going to the gym again. I am really not in good shape lately. There was a time when 200 crunches wasn't even hard for me, and now I'm struggling at 99. What am I even thinking? Now is not the time for that.
"Mmmhmm, I guess it's ready."
I prepared a few dishes in advance, just in case she didn't want to go out and preferred to take a break at home. Okay, everything for the starters is done. Now, time for a bath.
*Shower*
I cleaned myself up and stood in front of the mirror.
"Now the only thing left is…"
I checked the wardrobe to decide what to wear. I thought one outfit might be okay, so I took out a pair of brown jeans and a blue shirt. Looking at myself in the mirror, it was fine, but something felt missing. I felt like this shouldn't be what I wear. I took out another pairing and tried it on. This time, it felt better.
I came back in front of the mirror and checked my clothes. This time, it was a white T-shirt with a red jacket over it and a pair of black jeans. I looked at myself again and again, but something was still bothering me.
Making a face in the mirror, I said,
"Nah, again."
Nah again, once more, one more... I thought this one might be okay, but... no, one more. After trying on over eight different combinations, I came to a conclusion.
I didn't know what to wear. Why was it like this? I usually never thought about it too much. Most of the time, I just pulled out an outfit, threw it on, and it never bothered me. But for some reason, today was making me wonder if I looked good or not. I looked at myself in the mirror again. God knows what is happening to me.
I had to do something about it before this overthinking rotted my brain. Finally, I decided on an outfit.
"This might be it."
"Okay, everything is ready."
I looked at myself in the mirror before turning my attention back to my phone. There were no messages from Dylan yet. I didn't know if I was just being anxious, but a fluttering feeling in my stomach was making me uncomfortable.
"Unni, are you ready?"
Amy came walking toward me slowly. I turned around, and the moment she saw me, a look of pure shock crossed her face. Both of her palms flew to her lips, her mouth dropped open, and her eyes glowed like the reflection of a pearl. She looked at me as if she had just seen an angel.
"Oh wow, Unni, you look dazzling!"
"Really? You think so?"
I felt a bit awkward at her response. I usually dress in my normal way, so I was surprised she was this shocked.
"Just tell me if you are going on a date."
"I told you before, it's not a date."
"But how? Just look at yourself. If I weren't a girl, I would have fallen head over heels for you."
Amy still didn't know the real me. She didn't know that I wasn't like her or the other girls. My identity was still a secret to her. I didn't know if I was doing the right thing by hiding it from her. If I remembered correctly, she was the only person in my life who didn't know my secret. I guess that was why she felt so safe around me and was never bothered. Otherwise, she would also be...
"Stop teasing me now, I have to get ready. Dylan might call at any moment, and I have to go."
"Well, Unni, are you sure he is just a friend?"
"Yes, why do you ask?"
"No reason, I'm just a bit suspicious."
She stepped closer to me, holding both hands behind her back and making a skeptical face. It looked like she was trying to tell me to be wary of him—as if he might be up to something and didn't view me as just a friend.
"You know, sometimes guys take this approach. They make you feel comfortable around them so that you lower your guard."
Opening a drawer in front of us, she took out a pair of heart-shaped earrings and started clipping them onto my ears.
"And when they get a chance, they make their move. You shouldn't trust them so easily. Understand?"
"Amy."
I looked at her, anger flashing in my eyes. She looked confused, wondering why I was glaring at her. I could tolerate people saying things about me, but I would not allow anything to slide when it came to Dylan—not after everything he had done for me.
"When you don't know anything about someone, you shouldn't say things like that."
I grabbed my bag and turned to leave.
"Thank you for letting me use your space. I won't ask for much else from you."
She rushed in front of me. With a nervous smile, she tried to stop me.
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry! It wasn't my intention to hurt your feelings. I was just trying to make a joke."
I looked at her and sighed. This girl would never grow up. No matter how much I told her, first it was her childish behavior, and now this.
"Okay, I accept your apology. Now let me go."
Instead, she clung to my leg and wouldn't let me move.
"No, wait, I won't let you go until you accept my apology from the bottom of your heart!"
"Just let go!"
She clung even tighter, wrapping around me like a snake around a mouse. Making it impossible to stand, I wiggled to get free and ended up falling right on top of her.
"Ouch! Ouch, ouch. We are on the ground now. Please, leave my leg alone."
"I won't until you forgive me."
I didn't know what to do with her. I looked at her and sighed again, but this time, the anger was gone.
*Sigh*
"I forgive you."
We both sat up together, and suddenly she started crying.
"Why are you crying now? I told you I forgive you."
She spoke through a snort, wiping her nose.
"I know that… but still… I thought… you wouldn't talk… to me again."
I pulled her into a soft hug. Trying to comfort her, I said,
"You shouldn't crack jokes like that. You don't know what other people are going through, so how can you say things like that?"
"Okay, I promise I won't say it again."
"Okay, stop crying, or else I'll get mad again."
She smiled faintly. Finally, she stopped. I had worried this drama would last until evening, so I was glad it was over. At that moment, I checked my phone and saw a notification from Dylan. I immediately grabbed my bag. It had been around 20 minutes since he messaged, all while we were arguing. He was waiting for me, I had to move fast. The station where we were supposed to meet was already 30 minutes away from the house, and I was already late. There might be traffic too.
"Amy, I'm leaving now."
"Okay, bye!"
"I'll see you this evening."
I ran out and caught a rickshaw immediately. What she said today wasn't right, but I guess it couldn't be helped. People always judge others based on what they see, what someone chooses to show, or what they hear from others. I suppose it was just her best guess, since she didn't know who he was and had only heard about him through me. Maybe some of my words had made her think I loved him. But that wasn't the case at all?
A while had passed, and she still hadn't arrived. I wondered if she was even coming. To be honest, I had been a bit flustered while preparing for today. We hadn't really been able to take a proper breath since everything started. Life had been such a mess lately, but today was a chance to make everything go back to the way it used to be. I looked at my watch again, but there was still no sign of her. I figured she just needed more time and that I shouldn't have rushed her. I decided I should just text her and tell her not to come if she didn't feel up to it.
"Dylan."
Just as I was about to lose hope, I heard a voice that poured into my ears like a fresh drop of water. I spun around and saw Samayra.
"You finally came!"
"I had to. You planned the whole day, after all."
She stood there elegantly, her hair a bit messy as always. She was wearing heart-shaped earrings that matched her heart-shaped pendant, and a pretty green gown with faded blue prints. Both of her arms were resting in front of her, holding her purse. At that moment, my eyes widened. I wanted to smile and scream with joy, but I controlled myself.
I stared at her until she asked,
"What? Is there something wrong?"
"No, nothing at all."
"So, shall we go?"
"Yes."
Winter was starting with a light chill, and the rainy season had officially ended. We took the metro and traveled to our destination, which wasn't very far. At the gates, we looked at each other and walked inside.
"Welcome! It's a pleasure to have you here."
The music was loud and the stalls were completely packed. People were everywhere with their kids and families—a beautiful sight of shared enjoyment.
First, we went on the Ferris wheel, which was honestly a lot of fun. Then we moved toward our next location: the roller coaster. I really shouldn't have chosen it.
It was so terrifying that I kept my eyes closed the entire time. I didn't dare look at anything, otherwise, my next meeting would have been with God. Afterward, I threw up quite a bit. Samayra patted my back, trying to comfort me.
"If it makes you this sick, why did you choose it?"
"I forgot about that part, blllllllll…"
I swore to myself I would never ride one again.
"bllllllllll....."
After that, we walked into the horror house.
"Huuu, go away!"
"Huuu, come here, kids!"
"Come to me!"
We both watched in silence as people roamed around in horrific costumes. Samayra was actually smiling as she watched everything. She turned to me and asked,
"Hey, are you scared?"
"No, I'm not. Why do you ask?"
"I don't know, I just felt like you might be."
Yeah, she was right. My legs were trembling with fear. If she had looked down, she would have seen two chopsticks shaking like a leaf. But I still forced a smile.
"So, what's next?"
"What's next? Let's see."
I took her hand and ran toward a specific place. It was the aquarium. We walked inside, and it was fascinating. The sapphire-colored water, the glorious fish, and the beauty of the corals all around us were magnificent.
I looked at Samayra, who was watching everything in absolute wonder. As she watched a manta ray glide forward, flipping itself from one side to the other, she looked completely captivated. Resting her palm against the glass of the tank, she took a deep breath and looked at me.
Watching her like this made me feel like all my hard work was paying off. I smiled back at her. It was turning out to be a really great day.
Time flew by as we moved to other rides and fun zones. The night grew dark, and the rides began to close. I looked at my watch.
"It's already 7:00. It's time for us to go."
"Thanks, Dylan. It was so much fun today."
I smiled at her.
"Wait, Wait, Wait. Who told you our day was over?"
She looked at me in confusion. I held her hands and looked directly into her eyes.
"For the past few days after your breakup, you've been really down. But don't worry, today we're going to have so much fun that you'll forget about all of it."
"But Dylan, you have it all wrong."
"Huh…?"
I laughed and laughed so hard that my stomach ached. Sitting in the restaurant waiting for our orders to arrive, she pouted at me, her eyes glaring as if they were trying to drill a hole right through me.
I still couldn't stop laughing. Just when everything felt like, 'Oh, this is bad, I have to do something,' I heard the truth.
"I shouldn't have told you."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! But I genuinely thought you were super depressed."
"Even if I am, that doesn't mean you get to laugh at my periods!"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
That was the whole mystery: she had just been dealing with severe period cramps for the past few days. Because of them, she hadn't been eating properly, talking to me normally, or wanting to meet up. And look where my mind had jumped. What was I even doing?
"No, it's not your periods I'm laughing at, actually. I'm just laughing at my own mind."
When our food arrived, we looked at it hungrily. Being absolutely starved from walking around all afternoon, I jumped right in without a second thought. Finally, my stomach felt replenished. But for some reason, Samayra wasn't eating, she was just staring at her plate. I assumed she just wasn't hungry yet, so I ignored it.
"Dylan."
*Munch**Munch*
"Yeawwh?"
"Tell me something… are you really gay?"
She asked the question so suddenly that my food got stuck in my throat. I drank a full glass of water before trying to speak. This was definitely not something I expected from her. She gave me a soft gaze, her eyes demanding an answer—an answer she deeply wanted to hear.
*Gulp*
----
Oh, there he was. I walked up to him, and after that, we both headed into the amusement park.
When we were in the aquarium, he looked at me in a very unusual manner. I didn't know if it was just my imagination or if he was genuinely looking at me in a new way, but it was really lovely. For some reason, at that exact moment, my heart actually fluttered.
Later, when I thought our day was over and we were about to head home, he held my hands, and that set my heart racing all over again. I didn't know why I was feeling this way, but something strange was happening inside me.
Because of Amy's warnings and everything that had just happened, a spark of curiosity had ignited within me. I didn't know if I was in my right mind or not. When I looked at him as a whole, he looked like the most handsome person. His style, his voice, his hair—there was absolutely nothing about him that screamed 'gay.' I knew he had a boyfriend before, and I had heard him talk about it, but this silly thought still managed to creep into my mind.
"Are you really gay?"
He looked at me with wide, shocked eyes, completely caught off guard.
"Why do you ask that?"
"I don't know. It's just… you never really gave off that vibe."
He looked at me in confusion, trying to process what I was even saying.
"You know, you never wear a lot of jewelry. You don't give off a feminine feel. Not only that, but you don't have curly hair, and your ears aren't pierced. Your body is also in good shape, it's not like you're super skinny."
He looked at me with an annoyed expression and went back to eating his food.
"You know, that's a very stereotypical way to judge someone."
"I'm sorry, but… it just came to my mind. Let's just forget it."
"You're right, I don't really look like the description you just gave."
"…"
"I don't wear much jewelry. I have a deep voice. I don't have curly hair, and my ears aren't pierced."
He took a deep breath and looked down at his food.
"But none of those things define who I am."
"…"
"The things I love and the things that define who I am are two completely different things."
"What do you mean?"
"Like any other person, I love to watch movies, watch TV shows, play games, and hang out. I also love reading books, studying different subjects, sports, and history. Those are just things I enjoy."
He looked up at me affectionately, offering a slight smile while narrowing his eyes.
"But the things that define who I am are what make up my character—like my personality, my behavior, and my habits. And those have absolutely nothing to do with my sexual orientation."
"So, what you're trying to say is…?"
"People like you and me aren't different species. Gay men aren't some separate type of human, they are exactly the same as any other man."
"…"
"I am just like anyone else in the world. It's just that my sexual preference is different."
"But wouldn't that matter the most? Doesn't it make us different from others?"
"It might matter to certain people, but that doesn't actually change anything."
"...."
"The idea that we are fundamentally different is just something in people's heads."
I let my fork rest at his words.
"It is all about being in love with someone. If you love someone, regardless of their gender, you will treat them with respect. If you don't care about them, you will find any excuse to ignore them. Even if I were a woman, I would have treated you exactly the same way I did today."
I looked at him with wide eyes. His words touched my heart once again. I looked away and laughed softly. It was the most honest, pure conversation I had ever had with anyone. But still, one doubt remained.
"Finally, we're here."
We reached the exit gate of the metro station and looked outside. A gentle breeze was blowing, but it was still mildly humid. Winter was supposed to be on its way, but it was still pretty hot right now. I looked at Dylan for a moment.
He had both hands buried in his pockets, walking freely with a smile on his face. Suddenly, his phone buzzed with a notification. He checked it, and his smile instantly vanished.He stared at the screen intently, reading something important. Then, he looked up at me and forced a smile back onto his face.
"Looks like my night isn't over yet."
"Why? What did the message say?"
"Oh, nothing. Just something related to work."
Dylan slid his phone back into his pocket and glanced around the street.
"Looks like there are no rickshaws around."
I checked around as well, and it was true. I looked at my phone to call a cab, but none were available.
"So, what should we do?"
"Let's walk. We're heading in the same direction for a while anyway. Let's just walk until our paths split."
We started walking down the street. A lingering curiosity was burning inside me. I still wanted to ask him about the topic we had left behind at the restaurant. I glanced at him, nervously rubbing my nails together as his words echoed in my head once more.
If you love someone, you will respect them, and if you don't, you will ignore them.
Was that really the reason why Julia did what she did? Did she just not love me? Or was it something else entirely? I still couldn't shake the feeling. Can love really just fade away as if it were never there to begin with?
I looked at him again. He was staring down at his phone, reading something. I called out his name, I wanted my answers right now, right here, from him.
"Dylan, there is something else I wanted to ask you."
"And what is it?"
I stepped in front of him, stopping him in his tracks to look him dead in the eye. He turned fully toward me, a serious expression settling over his face.
"It's about love."
"Love?"
"You said that regardless of my gender, you would have treated me the exact same way you do now."
"…"
"Does that mean nothing changes, even after we truly find out who someone is?"
"Samayra… what exactly are you trying to say?"
"I was just thinking… if love isn't about just being with someone for a long time, then what actually is it?"
He looked at me and smiled, gently taking my bag from my arms. He grabbed my hand and started walking again.
"Do you really think love is just about duration?"
I looked at him, a strange sensation washing over me, but I kept quiet.
"Just because you are with someone, does that automatically mean you know them properly?"
Wouldn't that actually be correct? What was Dylan trying to imply?
"I don't think it works like that," He continued.
"Then how does it work?"
"See, you can live with someone for years. You become a daily fixture in their life. You're together all the time, you know each other's general habits, behaviors, and likes. Not only that, but you also have regular sex. But is that really all it takes to truly know someone?"
"Is it not?"
He smiled at me, then turned his gaze back to the path ahead.
"People can live together for a very long time and still not truly choose each other. They still hide pieces of themselves, keeping secrets from the person they claim to love. It isn't always because they don't care. It's because there is still something missing inside them."
"And what is missing?"
"It could be anything. Maybe trust, maybe freedom, or maybe just the strength it takes to open up instead of keeping everything buried inside."
"Doesn't that mean they don't really love the other person?"
"Sex isn't love. Dating someone isn't love. Even talking to someone every single day isn't love. Love isn't bound by those things."
"..."
"Love is about caring. It's about being with someone at their absolute worst, and your feelings remaining exactly the same.
When you are completely broken and pathetic, and someone is still right there beside you.
When someone can hear you even when you're completely silent—that is what love is."
"…"
I told her everything that mattered to me. I knew she was asking all of this because she wanted to figure out if everything that went wrong in her relationship was her fault, or if it was something else. I shared what I genuinely believed. All of my honest feelings were laid out right in front of her. There was only one final thought left to give her.
"And if you don't feel that kind of care from someone, you have to ask yourself… was it ever really love?"