"No, no, get away from me! You cannot touch me just because you want to. I don't want to do it."
"Come on, don't you love me? Didn't you want to have this, too?"
"Yes, I wanted this, but not like this! Leave me! Leave me!"
[In Samayra's dreams, an illustration is formed. White chalk lines moving around in the pitch-black void as she remembers an incident from the past. An illustration of a man is formed trying to pin her down in the darkness. She cannot remember who it is, but she is still having thoughts swirling around him.]
"I told you, leave me! I don't want to have sex!"
"BUT WHY? Am I not good enough? Am I not what you want? What is it? WHAT IS IT?"
[Samayra cried as the man's illustration wasn't ready to leave her.]
"Please, stop this. I beg you, leave me."
"No, I cannot, I can't, or else they—fun—I cannot—I have to—do this."
[More than one voice jumbled in her mind and she was completely filled with despair. Her last words came out in a whisper.]
"All of you men are the same."
I woke up. I woke up and my breath was too deep. My throat was fully parched, and it was so hard to gulp my own saliva. I looked over myself and I was fully covered in sweat all over my body. I don't know what to make of it. But I guess after tomorrow night, nothing can be the same as it was.
I took off my blanket and saw myself in the mirror. I didn't have clothes on my body. All I was wearing was a pair of undergarments from last night.
"I guess Dylan had put them somewhere else. I will ask him later."
I looked around, and there were too many knife cuts on my body. They were around my thighs, my ankles, my waist, my armpits, my wrists. All the places where I can find a joint, they were already present there. This is the only reason I mostly wear clothes of full length. Even when I am at work, I am very careful and put on makeup perfectly so that I can hide my exposed skin.
I always wondered what would happen if people ever found out about these scars. What would they do? Will they question how I got them? Or will they think I am a psychopath who loves to torture herself? Or, the worst, will they just try to get a story out of me so that they can laugh at me after?
Would they be concerned about me, or would it be something I am scared of?
It reminds me—does Dylan know about these? For the last six months, when we were hanging out together... even though he had seen me naked once. Could it be that he hadn't noticed these marks because he was trying to defend himself at that point, or could it be that he is just trying to ignore these marks? But why would he ignore it?
I shouldn't get my mind on it too much. But still, where is he? Did he sleep with me last night, or did he sleep in another room? I will ask him when I see him.
I looked at the bed and there was a piece of full-length, oversized t-shirt and pajama pants. He probably left it for me. I don't know what state he could be in right now. I had said too much to him. I shouldn't have done that. I will apologize about it, too.
I looked in the mirror with intense regret in my eyes. I put my right hand on one side of the mirror, showing my face.
"Would it be okay?"
I dove deep down into my memories as I remembered last night.
Looking at her, I can tell nothing has gone right for her, either. That dead face I can see, the eyes which I had always seen glowing with joy are now filled with dullness. The cheeks from which I have never seen happiness fade are now dropped with no intent of a smile. The lips which were always so soft and bright are now filled with dead cracks. Her clothes are all wet from the rain.
She is watching the toy train from a distance and trying to smile. But her dead eyes are telling a different story. The smile is fainting every time she tries to lift her lips. Losing her love had broken her from the inside. The only thing that could have saved her was love. And the only person she loves has probably left her because of the truth.
This all is my fault, from the first moment. I decided to move towards her. I can't let her be here out in the rain. I don't know how long she has been sitting there, but I can't see her like that. Not after what I had promised myself. And that is, I will never let anything happen to her as long as she is with me. She reminds me of him more than anyone.
[Dylan remembers a figure in the dark forming up with white smoke as he looks at Samayra. He is imagining her as someone who needed his help, but he always failed to do so. He sees himself trying to lift his hand towards her, but he hesitates. The boy starts drowning into the ground and no matter what he does, he isn't able to grab him by any means possible.]
I tried to talk with her but didn't know what to say. I hesitated for a moment.
"He—Hey, Sam. Sam."
I looked into her eyes and she wasn't looking at me. She was still looking towards that toy train moving back and forth.
I again tried to call her name out.
"Sam, please look here."
She smiled and started talking, but still not looking at me. She talked as she looked towards the train.
"Oh, you are here."
"Samayra, I—."
"Look there, Dylan, how beautiful it is, right?"
I looked at the train and then looked back at her. She was sitting in the water like there was nothing to care about, joining her knees together and wrapping her arms around them.
"Samayra, you—."
"Do you know, Dylan, why I loved this train so much?"
I didn't say a thing and just listened to her.
[She started remembering a moment of her life which was forgotten.]
"It was not only because it gave me comfort, but there was also a story. Back in my hometown, we lived near the hills and there was a small railway station. The railway station wasn't like how we have it in the city. It was much more open. And there were so many train carriages that stood there empty. Me and my friends all played there because we knew there was nothing wrong with them."
'Hey, Samayra, I got you.'
'Not again, I don't want to play this game.'
'Shut up and give den. It's your time now.'
'Okay. 1, 2, 3, 4...100. I am coming!'
"I was trying to find my friends when I saw it. There was a train engine which was standing a distance away from us. It had been there for quite some time. I loved it for some reason. The green paint with those orange lines, it had me wondering how it could be so beautiful. I saw it and was stunned; I didn't move a bit."
'Seriously, now I have to find her. She is the chaser, then why am I doing it? There she is. But what is she doing?'
"My best friend came to me and saw me looking at that engine, and from the first glimpse she could tell."
'You like it.'
"I was surprised by seeing her."
'When did you come here?'
'When you were daydreaming about that engine.'
'It's not that.'
'Hey, I have an idea. Why don't we go in there tomorrow? It might be fun, right?'
"I insisted, tapping my feet on the floor. I grabbed her hand and asked,"
'But why not today? Let's go, I want to see it from the inside.'
'See, it's already sunset. If we go there now, we will be late for home. It will be good if we go there tomorrow in the afternoon so that we might be able to play in it for long.'
"I agreed because I believed her. But the next day,"
'Sorry, I have to go somewhere with my parents. Can we go there someday again?'
"I wasn't happy with her answer. I wanted to go there. So I decided I would go there on my own. I don't need someone to always be a helping hand for me. But then."
She stopped for a moment and her smile faded. I saw her hands trembling with fear. Tears flowed down her cheeks, but she took a deep breath and rubbed them away. She started again.
"When I got there, I tried to find it."
'My train engine, my train engine, where is it?'
"At that time, for some reason, all the railway carriages which were standing there started moving. I was scared. All of them were going back and forth, and the point from where I came was blocked. I tried to find my way back but I could only see train docks around me. After a while, when I crossed all the carriages, I found myself in a very different place. It felt like I was somewhere around the train station, but it all looked different. I forgot about the train engine and ran in every possible direction I could. After a while, I saw myself in the jungle and now I was even further lost. There was no hope in me to go back home."
'Mumma, Pappaaa, where are you? I am scared.'
"At that moment, two wild dogs heard my crying and they started running towards me. I looked into their eyes and that thing scared me to death. I ran for my life, not knowing what would happen to me, OR what was going to come next. All I thought of was: Could anything be better if I had listened to my friend? Could anything have changed if I never saw that engine? Could it have been okay if I hadn't gone there alone? Could I really be in this terrible situation if I was better than what I am now? Would everything have been okay if I had stayed away from that engine?"
"I know what happened isn't right, but—."
"Today, I am feeling the same. I am scared and terrified. And I don't even know what to do."
She stood up and looked at me with dead serious eyes.
"It would have all been good if I had never listened to you."
"..."
"It would have been good if I had never made you a friend."
She slammed my chest as she talked even further.
"It would have been all good if I had hidden everything from her."
She slammed me again.
"It would have been all good if you had never come into my life."
She grabbed me from my t-shirt and asked me intensely,
"Why—why, just tell me why did you gave me a false hope that everything might be good if I clung to honesty?"
I looked down; there was no strength in me to look her in the eyes. She started hitting me with all the strength that was left in her.
"Just tell me. What is it? Do you feel good now that you have broken everything apart? Everything is your fault. If you had never told me that, never given me that false hope, none of this would have happened."
"…"
"Look at me in the eyes. ANSWER ME."
She grabbed me by my jacket and pulled me back and forth.
"Everything would have been okay if I had never told her anything. Now I have no one left in my life. The only person I loved has also left me."
She cried, cried until her heart pounded with so much noise.
I hugged her, grabbing her by the waist. She tried to oppose me and moved her hands randomly at me, hitting me too many times, but I didn't leave her. I knew if I wasn't with her now, she would be completely distorted from her own self.
"Leave, leave me, le—lea, leav—leave."
She cried with her whole heart open, taking everything out on me as she sobbed. After a while, the hitting stopped, as if a storm had been calmed after a great calamity.
She grabbed me tightly, clinging to me as if I were the only hope for her. She wasn't ready to leave me.
My heart felt too heavy from all of this. I had made her stand in a position where she was broken from the inside. A soft doll which was always far away from being scratched was now broken because of me.
I walked down the stairs, rubbing my hair politely. It was all tangled and a big mess. My head felt heavy because of it, or maybe it was because of last night. I was just nervous after all that had happened. I didn't know what to say to him or how I could look into his eyes.
As I came downstairs, I saw him making food. I walked to the dinner table and dragged a chair back. As I sat there, he turned around and said,
"Good morning."
He said it in a cool and happy manner. It made me confused.
"Good morning."
In hesitation, I replied to his greeting. But he again turned to me and talked with me, having a smile on his face.
"I am happy that you are awake. There was nothing in the house, so I am making omelets for both of us. I hope you don't have a problem with that."
"…"
"Also, if you want to know where your clothes are, I have soaked them with the laundry clothes. It might be time for it to get over. I don't know if you feel dizzy, but if your head is heavy or you are having some body pain, the pills are on the table in the living room."
"Hey, I want to say sorry for last night."
I don't know why he is acting like this, but I shall tell him what I feel right now.
"I just shouted at you and didn't even listen. I don't know what came to my mind. I guess I was just overly filled with my emotions. I am sorry for being like that."
He smiled, looking back at me, serving me the breakfast. He spoke in a polite manner.
"You have done nothing wrong. Letting your anger out is something you should do. If you never get your emotions out, you will become like a trash can which is overly filled with waste."
[Right now, Samayra is so amazed by Dylan's politeness. For a while, she wasn't able to look into his eyes. But now, she can't stop looking into his eyes.]
"Hey, eat. Or else it will get cold."
"Yeah, yeah."
"I didn't ask you back then, but—but how did things turn out on your side? Is he still with you?"
"Well, there was a mistake of cheating that I made, and it was even a bigger mistake not telling him about it for a long time. It was important that I should have got punished for it. And what could be a bigger punishment than not being with your loved one?"
"So, did he?"
"Yes, he left."
How dumb I am. I didn't even realize what he was going through and got angry at him for what happened to me. It wasn't his fault; it was my mistake, too. I just lowered my head as my courage faded.
"I even wanted to tell you something."
"…"
"Well, I am sorry for what all happened to you. I wish I had never told you to do all of that. I didn't know it would impact you like this. I just wanted to make everything better for both of us."
He kneeled in front of me and then lowered his head.
"I am sorry, Sam. I am sorry for ruining your relationship."
I actually felt a little embarrassed because of the way he apologized. It was quite a bit of a funny moment for me, but I just tried to control myself. I smirked a little and said,
"Please don't do it like this. You are actually making me feel embarrassed."
He lifted his head up, looking at me with confusion.
"I understand what happened wasn't something I wanted. But keeping a secret from my partner, and that's also about cheating on him, was also killing me. It wasn't only your fault, but mine too."
"…"
"Whatever happened wasn't your fault, but mine too."
I looked at him with ease. He stood up and sighed a little.
"I am glad. I thought you would still be angry at me because of last night."
Dylan, you don't know you were the reason why I am still here. You are the reason why nothing bad happened to me. If it weren't for you, I would not be alive.
"In fact, I wanted to say to you. I am sorry. Because of me, everything has been ruined between you and your partner. I wish I hadn't come in between you two."
He looked at me with cheerful eyes and calmly said,
"Don't apologize. I told you it was a mistake and I had to repay for it."
"But still, I didn't even know what you were going through and cursed you."
"You don't need to worry. Everything will be alright for me."
I was confused. He is still smiling even after everything is distorted in his life. But why?
"How are you so calm about everything?"
"I know whatever happened isn't right, but still, if I don't let everything go, then how am I supposed to move forward?"
"Aren't you worried about what will happen to your and Nathan's relationship?"
"Many things need to settle down and many have to rebuild, but if I become impatient and don't give time to everything, then there might be a chance that everything will be patched up, but there are still some cracks that will be left."
"What do you mean?"
"I am saying that any wound can heal if you give it enough time to replenish itself."
"Did he leave the home on his own, or did you two have a big fight?"
"No, I let him go. At that time, he needed himself more than me. And I understood that."
"Didn't you try to stop him?"
"No."
"But why? You loved him, right? Then you should be stopping him from being away from you."
"I should have, but if I had done that, it would be like I am chaining him with ropes I can call emotions. Always tying someone up and clinging to them so they never leave you isn't something you should be doing in love."
I hesitated for a moment before asking another question, but I wanted answers. Whatever I had in mind for love was now feeling like a false perception of it. After hearing his thoughts, I felt like there is more than one face of love.
"Then, what should you do?"
"Love means respect, and you gain someone's respect by being with them and understanding them. Not by chaining them up and not letting them go."
"But shouldn't you fight for your relationship so it doesn't fall apart?"
"Yes, you should. But the main question should be who you are fighting with."
"What do you mean?"
"If you are fighting with another person, you are trying to preserve your relationship. You are in a quarrel where your winning is only decided by the person whom you both are fighting for.
If you are fighting with your partner to protect your love, you are reconciling the love. You are restoring a broken relationship that is killing your own true self. If you need to do it more than twice, that means the relationship should never have happened in the first place.
And lastly, if you are fighting with yourself to protect your love, then that is called internal self-sabotage. It could be that you are the reason why your relationship didn't work out in the first place, even though you both were in love. When you understand it, it could be you will try to be more patient and give them the space they need, or it could be you will understand your place and will never be in the position where they used to put you."
"So would everything change if I try to fight myself for the love I have?"
"I can't really say that. Everyone lives in different situations and has their own life. It could be possible that it will work out. But the main point is,
Love cannot have chains. If you are trying to tie up someone for love, then it might be possible it was not love from the start."