The voice of water was loud. Heavy rain poured outside, sounding like a screaming echo trying to say something. The green, elephant-shaped pot which I left by the slightly open window was already wet. It looked like it was crying as the water droplets poured down from its eyes.
The air inside the room was warm, but I was still getting the chills from the silence. Things weren't in their places as they used to be. Everything was messed up. Everything was ruined because of my confession. But if I went down without even talking about what had happened, it wouldn't be me who was talking—it would always be my mask present there.
My books were still on the shelf in the unique manner in which I place them. Always having four books in an order, and then two books forcing their weights on each other, making the shape of an 'A'. I was always told that it was a weird way, but I always loved it because it was my weird way. My weird way of keeping things in their place and feeling stable.
But on the other hand, Nathan always made a mess of his things. Leaving the DVD player open, or never really arranging his PlayStation CDs in their place. I always told him to take care of it, but he always said to me with a smile on his face.
"I always leave everything because I know I always have you by my side. You are someone who will never let anything be ruined."
But not anymore. Because today, I am the one who scrambled everything. Today, I am the one who distorted everything from its place. Now everything is a mess because of me. I, whom Nathan used to trust for everything, have now become the reason for the distortion of everything. I don't know how to put it into words, but I want to talk to him. I want to fix everything, but the words still aren't coming out of my mouth. I guess there is still some time before he gives me his verdict.
I still don't have the confidence to look him in the eyes. Nathan is sitting on the couch, not saying a thing. He shows no expression, but I can sense it—the small feeling of coming anger, the rage, the betrayal he is feeling. I am still looking at the floor, trying to hold myself together. I tighten my fists.
Nathan, having both of his hands on his chin, looked down at the floor. He finally said.
"What was in your mind when you were doing it?"
My forehead constricted even more. I tried to stay calm, but this was hard. He again spoke to me calmly.
"Dylan, I am asking you something. What was it that you were feeling at that time?"
"I... I-I was... I don't know. I don't remember what it was."
He stood up and moved around, both of his hands in his pockets. I was still looking down, the feeling of cheating on him eating me alive.
"Dylan, look up. Look me in the eyes."
As his words dropped in my ears, I looked up into his eyes. He had that considerate, serious face that demanded an answer from me. But I was still hesitant.
"Hey, I know you more than anyone. I know what kind of a person you are. So please, please tell me the truth."
I looked at his face and saw his eyes filling with tears, and that broke me enough to say everything. I can handle anything in this world, but I can't see my loved ones crying in front of me. I had to be honest, even if it meant that everything would be gone tomorrow. I spoke with confidence.
"I don't know what came to my mind when I was with her. I can't say if it was because I was drunk or something else, but I remember one thing.
I felt comfort. The feeling of being warm and protected when we both had our bodies wrapped around each other. But as we were doing it, I suddenly remembered that what I was doing was wrong. I tried to get away from there, but she pulled me back towards her and kissed me again. After that, I don't remember what happened."
He looked me in the eyes and asked.
"Was it the regret of Mary because of which you did it?"
"I don't know what it was."
"Contentment? But why after six months?"
I spoke as I cried.
"I don't know. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to betray you. Please forgive me, please forgive me."
He hugged me tightly and held onto me for a while. I grabbed him back, crying. He kissed me. In that moment, I felt comfort and I calmed down. We both were taking heavy breaths as he rested his forehead against mine.
He cupped my face by my ears. We both slowed our heavy breathing as we looked into each other's eyes.
After a while, he let go of my face and spoke to me with a smile, trying to control his tears.
"Hey, remember what I said when we were on our first date?"
I replied with a smile through my teary eyes.
"Yes, I remember."
"Then never forget, I will always love you no matter what."
I smiled and hugged him, finally getting the answer I wanted. But then he pulled away, and he said something I was already prepared for.
"But... I can't live with this. I am glad that you told me everything, but... but..."
I said with a smile.
"Please don't say anything. I get it. If that's what you want to do, then I will not stop you."
I did it. I finally did it. I left my love for the sake of honesty. I wanted to stop him as I watched him move away from me, but if I did that, our worlds would be shattered. I guess this might be the best thing. I watched him through the window as he got into his car and drove away from the house.
I sank down onto the floor and cried. It hurts—it hurts more than anything. I was in so much pain. I wish I had told him this a little earlier.
Time passed and I waited for something to happen. It had already been four hours since Nathan left. He took all of his things. Our room is now half empty. It felt like everything was a nightmare, and that when I woke up, all the pieces would be back in their place and nothing would be wrong.
Why didn't I do it sooner? I thought about it. Could things have been different if I had told him a few months before? Even when I first thought of confessing to him, it took me two months just to talk about it with Samayra. I guess I could have saved everything.
But now, nothing is where it should be.
It reminded me of what happened with Samayra. Did things end up better on her end? She hadn't called me. It could be that she was also suffering the same fate as me. Even if not for my sake, I wished that everything would go back to normal for her.
It was 2:00 a.m. right now. I looked at my phone with desperation, wondering if everything was alright. I wanted her to tell me everything, not the opposite. I didn't want to be a burden in her life, but I still wanted everything to be fine on her side.
Samayra hadn't given me a call. It had been more than six hours since we last talked before going our separate ways. I decided I shouldn't waste any more time. Everything could become even more futile or distorted if I waited any longer. I ran around the room trying to give her a call, but she wasn't picking up her phone.
What could have happened? Could it be that she was having a massive fight, or could it be something more terrifying? No, no, no—it could be that everything was fine, and she and her partner had patched up, and now she had just blocked my number. That had to be why I wasn't able to reach her.
I tried to calm myself with any words that could give me hope. But still, on the inside, a part of me couldn't accept those words. I was deeply worried about how she was.
I couldn't do anything but think of her. I picked up my phone again and started calling her. I didn't care what happened, I didn't care what she thought or what the truth was—I just wanted to hear her voice, no matter what. I had already called her more than fifteen times, but she wasn't answering. On the sixteenth call, I finally heard a voice. My hopes rose as I saw the timer numbers start ticking and the call screen change. I thought it was Samayra.
I spoke in a hurried voice.
"Samayra, thank god you picked up the phone. I was so worried about you."
But I was wrong.
"Who is this?"
A stranger's voice asked. At first I thought it was her girlfriend.
"Hello, I am sorry, but is Samayra there? I want to talk to her."
"I found this cell phone. The rain is so heavy and I didn't know whose phone it was, so I was about to turn it into the police station. Can you tell the owner to come collect it?"
"Where did you find it?"
"I found it near the T-point intersection. I saw that there were fifteen missed calls from your side. Are you this person's family member?"
"...."
"Hey, are you there? Can you tell the owner to take it?"
I zoned out for a bit, but then I snapped back.
"Yes, yes, surely I will."
I ended the call and looked outside the window. It was raining so hard that the streets were flooded up to ankle level. I didn't know what to make of it, but I knew what I had to do next.
I grabbed my car keys, threw on my green jacket, and went out to find her. I started my car, but it didn't give a quick response. My anxiety spiked. In a flash of rage, I punched the horn with all my force.
"Come on, what is the problem now?!"
After around four attempts, it finally started. At this point, I was in a total panic. I didn't even know where to start looking. So, I decided I would look everywhere we had gone over the last six months. I was looking so hard out of the side window that I forgot there was a car coming right in front of me. I swerved my car at the very last second. Both me and the other driver were safe. I heard him shouting something from his window. My car drifted on the wet pavement. If it had been a bit faster, the tires would have slipped entirely and the car would have flipped in this heavy rain. Deciding not to waste any time, I straightened the wheel and started looking for her again.
First, I took the car to the T-intersection just like the lady had told me, but there was no sign of her. I got out of my car and screamed for her into the storm.
"Sam! Sam! Sam!"
But there was no response. I was fully soaked in the rain. After searching for around thirty minutes, all the energy in my body was drained. I decided to check the other places.
"Please, God, help me find her."
I looked near the café where we first met, but there was no sign of her there. I searched the streets, but I didn't find her anywhere. I drove to every single place where we had been together, the locations bringing back memories of the time I had spent with her. I looked near the church, I checked the park, I drove over the bridge, I looked for her in the grocery market. But there was no sign of her.
"Where are you... where are you, Sam?"
My anxiety was rising with every passing second. I started sneezing, realizing I was catching a cold from being out in the elements, but it was no time to worry about myself. I wished I knew her address, but it was too late for regrets now. My hands grew sweaty against the steering wheel, and my forehead started feeling incredibly heavy. It was a dizzying mix of emotions. My tension was boiling over, and there was still no sign of her nearby. I didn't want anything bad to happen to her.
"Please tell me where you are, Sam?"
The emotions were killing me from the inside. First Nathan, and what I had done to him... but I couldn't let anything bad happen to her, too. I looked through the windshield. I could see my own reflection in a small patch of fog that had collected on the glass. But as the wiper vanished the water, I pictured her smiling face. I remembered her, and it felt like I was losing my mind.
I didn't know where she was, and I was on the verge of breaking down. I lost all hope and pulled the car over on the flyover. I truly thought I wouldn't be able to find her.
Please, just one sign. One is enough. Show it to me, God. I screamed it inside myself, picturing her smile again, wishing desperately.
"Please, please, I want to have you here."
That was the exact moment I heard something that reminded me where to look. Through the sheets of rain, I heard the distant, heavy blast of a train horn. It suddenly clicked in my mind. Her voice chimed clearly in my head.
"It gives me comfort. A sense of peace and politeness that I always want to keep with myself."
I spun the car into a sharp U-turn and drove there. She had to be there. That was the only place left where she could be—I knew it in my gut. I drove fast, her words echoing over the sound of the engine.
"Watching those wheels, so elegant, as the axle that joins them moves back and forth."
As soon as I pulled up, I killed the engine, jumped out of the car, and started looking for her. But there was no immediate sign. The doll museum was closed, so she couldn't be inside. I scanned the entire area, but she was nowhere to be found.
Then, suddenly, my eyes caught the dark opening of an alleyway nearby, right beside two large dustbins.
I looked closer, and my breathing went shallow. I took a ragged breath and forced my raging emotions under control.
After all this agonizing searching, there she was. There she finally, truly was.
"Finally found you."