It was past midnight but his eyes still didn't want to shut. He was tired but he didn't feel sleepy at all, and every time he tried to close his eyes, he became restless instead. Kei turned around to his other side for the dozens time. He'd been tossing and turning for half the night. He blinked slowly to the dark room. The soft light coming from the stove gleamed from a corner. Was it because this room was new so felt not accustomed? But a few days ago when he just arrived, Kei didn't have this problem with the room downstairs. Could it be that because this time, it felt more real since he had to move many things? He remembered back then, when he and his mother moved to their current apartment, Kei also couldn't sleep soundly.
Kei sighed loudly. His room, albeit temporary, was quite cozy already. His bed was new but the mattress had the perfect bounciness, his pillow fluffed, and his quilt warm. Kei could still smell the fresh scent of fabric softener from it. The stove was small but it was new and it worked just fine. His heart was also quite warm due to his conversation with his father earlier, and he felt closer to him after that.
True that he hadn't tell his father everything. Maybe later, when he had adapted to the life here. He wasn't sure when and how, but he would. Someday. His mother naturally knew what happened, and that wonderful woman always supported him in everything. Deep down, Kei knew his decision must have hurt his mother, but he really needed to get away from that city because he didn't how else he could save his heart and his feelings.
Kei sighed loudly. Why did he say yes when Wataru asked to go out with him a year ago?
He knew why. It was so simple: he liked Wataru.
Another person who got hurt because of his decision, at the same time was the main reason of why he had to leave the big coty. He wouldn't deny that dating Wataru was not easy. It wasn't because of Wataru, he was amazing and Kei really liked him. It was his own problem. Kei couldn't handle the look of people around them, and the pressure and envy of those who were jealous. Wataru was a popular kid, always surrounded by his friends, and had many admirers. Every day, there were at least three confession letters left inside his shoe locker. He almost never brought his own lunch because there was always someone who brought him something (Wataru stopped receiving any since they dated, but this didn't stop them from trying). Kei didn't blame him. Wataru was a handsome boy and his shiny disposition drew people towards him.
Along with time, Kei started to lose his confidence. Compared to Wataru, he was nothing. He had friends, of course, but Kei wasn't someone who was known in the entire school. It was hard enough for them to spend time together, just the two of them while they were in school. Whenever they went, there would always some people who came and talked to Wataru, and Wataru never drove them away.
Kei tried to understand. After all, Wataru was always like that. He never tried to change how Kei was doing things, so Kei also didn't want Wataru to change for him. For him, it was unreasonable to ask Wataru not to talk to people because of him. However, it got harder and harder not to think the worse. Every time he saw someone stood too close to Wataru, Kei wanted to pull him away. When he saw someone tried to cling to Wataru, Kei wanted to scream and sent them away. He wanted those people to stop pestering Wataru. He wanted Wataru to look at him, and only him.
Kei became scared. He tried to avoid Wataru for a time, but Wataru knew him the best. He also knew places where Kei liked to go, so there was nowhere Kei could hide from him to be alone. Moreover, Wataru never wanted to leave him alone.
It wasn't like he hadn't tried telling Wataru about this. However, Wataru's reaction every single time only made Kei feel overlooked. Wataru would laugh, then rubbed Kei's head affectionately. "Don't listen to them. They're just talking nonsense." Absolutely failing to see that that wasn't the only thing Kei was talking about.
Kei reached out for his phone on top of the small bedside table. He laid on his back as he opened his conversation with Wataru on the messaging app, and started scrolling through. Sometimes, he smiled when the memory of some events they talked about came to mind. At other times, Kei blushed because their conversation got a little naughty. He sighed at the messages when they were arguing. Half an hour later, Kei brought down his phone. If he's being honest, he really missed Wataru. Before he left, Kei hadn't decided whether to end his relationship with Wataru or not. He didn't even know whether he would be able to end it, if it had to end that way.
He knew he was being unfair, but all he wanted was just some peace and quiet. A moment for him to disappear for a while. Maybe, he would have more strength to face Wataru after that.