"You're better than this. You hear me? You're better than this. Don't do it again, Igor."
His fists clenched.
"Don't destroy with your own hands."
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|DxD|- Chapter 72- Breakdown 2
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Time Chamber, 1 Month Later, 25 Months Since Entry
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A journey of a thousand miles began with a single step, and a path to recovery began with a single thought. In the grey world, a youth sat cross-legged with an upright posture. His eyes held woe, but blazed with quiet resolve and determination.
A leather-bound diary had a firm hand as its place of rest. A pen immortalised his journey on the pages, one stroke after the other, each scratch inscribing everything that had begun with a single step a day ago.
[Two years have passed, and thirteen remain. A hollow feeling sprouts in my chest every moment I have to recognise this reality.]
The words were archaic, but they were his true thoughts.
[I miss them. I miss home. I miss them every day, and it is impacting my training.]
His expression remained neutral, acceptance long having boiled itself into him. His outburst still haunted him for that singular event made it clear to him: he had to deal with his inner turmoil.
[I have decided to stop running from this truth. Suppressing these feelings in my heart, seeking methods of distractions, forgoing sleep—they were all my attempts at hiding my weakness.]
Igor recorded his thoughts into the diary with focus. He was weary and beyond the feeling of embarrassment. Skirting around the issue had let it fester for far too long.
[I know what I am feeling. I know the cause. I know the symptoms, but not the cure.]
There was no negotiating with the time chamber. Once it began its purpose, it operated on a different temporal flow of time, a train that would remain fixed on its tracks. To defy the laws that ground it to its track, not even his own lifespan would be enough to derail it. To his shame, he had once contemplated it.
[The time chamber is my people's greatest achievement and their gift to me. I will have to enter it again and again. If I do not have the resolve to settle myself with finality, then it will leave a trauma that prevents me from using this artifact to my advantage.]
Igor closed his eyes with solemnity. He still felt Akeno's weight on his shoulders like it was yesterday. Oh what he wouldn't give to hold her again.
[I believe everything begins with acceptance, no matter how shameful it may be. I…]
His pen wavered and his jaw locked, but he forced himself to write.
[...am homesick.]
His hand paused and his head turned to the side. How embarrassing, how disgraceful was it, that he who bore the cries of his people, could be stumped by something as banal as this. He spat to the side, the glob splattering on the ground before quickly evaporating in the burning heat.
Igor looked back at the words he wrote. His spirit was in turmoil and his growth had slowed to a point of contention with no way forward. There was a silent self-disgust as he unwittingly read the very words he wrote. They reeked of weakness, a shameful admittance to his lacking will.
He brought the pen to the page again, because it would be more disgraceful if another day passed with this parasite of turmoil still attached to him.
[I chose this path willingly. That is the honest truth. I believed in coming here for the conditions promised growth.]
The world was the world and he was himself. He could not truthfully blame Baraquiel for all the man ever did was suggest, not enforce.
[I came here knowing the next decade would pass without my family. I had ample time to prepare myself. By still choosing to come in here, I accept that all fault lies with me.]
Igor took a deep breath. A small weight was removed from his shoulders, just enough for him to see a ray of hope.
[I will no longer run from thoughts of my family. It is fruitless. They are ingrained in every part of me. To hide from them is to hide from myself.]
There was a time in his past when he feared Baraquiel. Now, his very wisdom was what kept him treading a path forward.
[I accept that I want them, but I must also accep—no, I accept that I do this for them.]
His strokes grew forceful.
[By training here, I sacrifice the present, but I guarantee the future.]
He paused at those words as they sank in. Everything he did here was for the future. The world held no guarantees. Only promises that his life would never be free of obstacles. One day, Igor knew his lineage would inevitably be leaked, be it a decade or a century from now.
[I will see my family again. That is something I know will happen. And as much as I wish to see them, I do not want to disappoint them. So, I will not.]
Three words, yet they were like a sledgehammer to the boulder weighing in his heart. Igor felt his breaths ease and his vision brighten. An elation rose in his chest, an elation brought by much-needed relief.
"You…you can do it."
His voice was low as the corners of his mouth upturned. For the first time in months, Igor had his first genuine smile.
"You can do it, Igor. One step at a time."
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AN: I think I'll have to take a page here and learn from the blonde. I don't think I recall ever just sitting down with myself and self-analysing. At least I have something on the immediate agenda. I need to self-analyse why I'm still broke.
Chapter 72
END