Hades sensed Zeus' presence moments before he stormed into the office, huffing and puffing. As always, his larger-than-life arrival was accompanied by the fresh, earthy scent of petrichor; a warning of an impending storm. Zeus kicked the door shut behind him and marched straight up to Hades' desk.
"I can't take it anymore! That wretched woman will be the death of me. That's if I don't wring her pretty little neck first and feed her to a pack of Chimera!" Zeus' harsh voice cracked across the room like lightning.
Or maybe it wasn't just his voice. Thunder rumbled overhead, shaking the walls. The storm raging in the mortal world must have been fierce if its effects were being felt here in the Underworld.
Sighing, Hades closed his notebook and stood. "Good day to you too, brother. Your appointment isn't for another two days."
Truthfully, Hades hadn't expected Zeus to return of his own volition. He made a mental note to have a word with Charon about letting people stroll into his office unannounced. Maybe he'd have Cerberus stand guard in front of the door to keep anyone from barging in as they pleased.
"Have a seat," he said, gesturing to one of the two new couches and the matching coffee table he'd recently added to his office along with a new desk and chairs, after Ares destroyed the last set in a fit of rage.
Hades noticed the same fire raging in Zeus' eyes and silently crossed his fingers that the clinic would still be standing by the time his brother left.
Zeus unceremoniously plopped down on the couch, sending a cushion tumbling to the floor, then put his dusty bare feet up on the coffee table. It was obvious this trip had been a spur-of-the-moment thing. Not only was he shoeless, but his indecently short chiton was dishevelled, exposing what looked like scratch marks along his neck and thighs. His hair was a mess, and he smelled like a cheap brothel.
"If I waited until my next appointment, I'd be guilty of uxoricide," Zeus grumbled, massaging his temples.
"Wouldn't be your first time," Hades muttered under his breath.
Another crack of thunder rocked the building. "Mind your tongue, Hades."
Hades dipped his head in a nod and telekinetically floated his notebook and pen to where he sat. He crossed his legs and placed the open notebook on his lap.
"I take it you had another fight with Hera. What happened?"
Zeus brushed a hand down his bushy beard. "She's testing the limits of my love for her that's what happened."
Hades raised his eyebrows. "Hera may be a…" The word bitch danced on the tip of his tongue, but he swallowed it. "A complicated woman," he said diplomatically. "But when it comes to you, she rarely lashes out unprovoked. What happened?"
Zeus gave him a mutinous glare and lowered his feet from the coffee table. He snapped his fingers, and a decanter of nectar and a goblet appeared on the table. Zeus filled his goblet and swallowed it down in three gulps before pouring a second glass and leaning back against the couch.
"I held a private soiree and invited some nymphs and sirens, a few centaurs, and satyrs. Apollo, Hermes, Dionysus, and Aphrodite joined us; and you know with the goddess of lust in our midst, things were bound to get crazy," Zeus waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
Even without Aphrodite there, things would have followed pretty much the same pattern. Zeus was practically a god of lust himself.
"So, you hosted an orgy?" Hades deadpanned.
"More or less," Zeus answered with a nonchalant shrug. "I invited Hera too, but she declined, as she always does. We had an argument something about me debasing myself by bedding the likes of centaurs and satyrs; why can't I just be faithful… blah, blah, blah. The usual." Zeus rolled his eyes.
"I might have said something about there being too many fish in the sea for me to limit my affections and ardour to her alone; especially since she barely lets me into her bed these days. She stormed off in a huff, and I expected her to make herself scarce for the duration of the party, like she always does. Next thing I know, just as things were getting good and I was getting sucked off by this busty—"
"Ahem, let's keep the finer details of your sex romps to yourself, please. I do not need those images in my head," Hades interrupted.
"When did you become such a prude?" Zeus mocked. "Anyway, I was getting, you know…" He mimicked the act of giving fellatio.
Hades gagged.
"That's what she said," Zeus guffawed. "Anyway, I was right on the cusp of completion when Hera stormed in and turned everyone besides the gods in attendance into a pod of goldfish and tossed them off Olympus. Who in their right mind does that?"
Hades picked his pen and flipped his notebook to Zeus' name, scribbling down two words: Stupid idiot.
"We talked about this last time, Zeus. From an outsider's perspective, Hera's actions— needlessly cruel and vindictive as they may be— are the acts of a woman who, at her core, is hurting. A woman who's tired of sharing her husband with his countless lovers. How would you feel if Hera decided to keep a harem and was unrepentant in parading them and her sexual exploits in front of you and the rest of the pantheon?"
"I would be happy for her," Zeus declared without hesitation. "I've encouraged her to seek out lovers outside our marriage bed before, but she refuses. Hera is a beautiful goddess; many would flock to her bed if she invited them, but she chooses to shackle herself to this ridiculous mortal convention of monogamy. By the Fates! The mortals themselves barely believe in monogamy. But that's her choice. I'm not going to deny myself all the flavours of carnal pleasure available to me just because my wife is a prude."
"But the very act of infidelity is anathema to who Hera is as a goddess," Hades argued, his impatience with Zeus bleeding into his tone.
"It's not anathema to who I am as a god," Zeus countered, taking a sip of his drink.
Unsympathetic. Self-centred, Hades noted.
"Maybe not. But marriage is often about compromise between spouses. You and Hera both seem to have expectations of the other that aren't being met, and neither of you is willing to meet halfway. Tell me, Zeus—do you love her?"
Zeus gave him a blank look. "Hera?"
"Who else?"
"Of course I do. I wouldn't have stayed married to her all these years if I detested her, would I?"
"And how often do you show her that you love her? You mentioned she doesn't invite you to her bed anymore. What about simple acts of intimacy?"
"Simple acts of intimacy?" Zeus echoed, looking lost.
"Hugging, holding hands, cuddling, kisses?" Hades asked. Zeus remained blank-faced. "What about just spending time together not as Zeus and Hera – rulers of Olympus, but as Zeus and Hera – husband and wife? Lovers. Do you make the effort to take her out on dates? Are you fulfilling her emotional needs?"
Zeus muttered a curse. "And what will any of that do for us? She'll still bitch and moan about my lovers."
Hades tapped his pen on his notebook. "Maybe. Maybe not."
"Gaia smite me! If I wanted cryptic advice, I would have visited the bloody Moirai, brother. Spit out whatever you're thinking!"
"This is purely my speculation, but I don't think it's just the ungodly number of affairs that has Hera so frustrated with you. It's also the fact that you're lacking as a husband on the most basic level."
Fine cracks appeared on the wall.
"I literally made her queen! I chose her above all other goddesses to be my wife. It's because I love Hera that I tolerate her tantrums and petty acts of vengeance. It's because I cherish her happiness that I don't crush Ares to a bloody pulp for all the disrespect he shows me. If anyone's feelings should be questioned, it's hers! She's become a creature of jealousy, spite and vindictiveness. I barely recognize the goddess I fell in love with these days," he huffed.
"So, the way you see it, Hera is the problem in the marriage and you bear no wrongdoing?" Hades questioned.
"Yes?" Zeus replied with a cheeky grin.
"Zeus," Hades admonished, with an air of defeat.
"Ugh! Fine. As soon as she stops glaring daggers at me, I'll take her dancing or something romantic. You got any rare jewels in your vault to spare? Hera does love her sparkling rocks."
"It's going to take more than jewels and a few dates to fix what's wrong between the two of you," Hades sighed.
Zeus waved away his concerns. "Show me a perfect marriage, and I'll give up my throne. And don't you dare say you and Persephone. As I recall, little Miss Spring Congeniality turned your lover into a potted plant. And then there was that mortal fellow she and Aphrodite were squabbling over."
Hades shifted in his seat and scratched his eyebrow. Minthe and Adonis were banned topics in their household.
"We're not here to talk about my marriage," he pointed out.
"Oh, but it's okay for you to pick mine apart and criticize?" Zeus drawled sarcastically.
"I'm not criticizing. I'm trying to hold you accountable for your behaviour and actions, and see reason. Nothing's going to change if you never acknowledge your faults. And you came to see me, remember?"
"I didn't think you'd take Hera's side over your own brother's," Zeus pouted.
"She's my sister too, and I'm not taking sides. Have you considered cutting down the number of lovers you take to your bed? If it's impossible for you to remain faithful to Hera alone, maybe selecting a handful of your favourite lovers and establishing a smaller harem would appease her," Hades suggested.
Zeus laughed. "Yeah, no. I cannot abide by such dull lifestyle."
Pathological narcissist. Hades had made the same note during their first session, but it was worth repeating.
"If you don't find a way to compromise and reconcile with Hera, then you'll be stuck in this cycle for eternity; is that what you want?"
"I mean, hate sex is the best kind of sex there is. If I can convince Hera to let me between her sweet thighs again, I'm golden," Zeus grinned.
"That is not how you build or maintain a healthy and functional relationship!"
"We are gods, Hades. We make the rules and as king, my rules are the only ones that matter," Zeus declared boastfully. "Stop trying to judge us by human standards."
PATHOLOGICAL NARCISSIST!
Hades had barely finished writing down the two words when Zeus snatched the notebook from him.
"You keep scribbling down here in this book of yours. What is— Excuse you? I am neither stupid nor an idiot! And narcissism? Is that what we're calling assertiveness and confidence these days? You know, I remember you writing down something just as rude the last time I was here. Are you this judgmental with your other patients?" Zeus groused and started paging through the notebook.
"For fuck's sake, Zeus! This is an invasion of privacy. Give that back!" Hades tried to snatch the book back, resulting in a tug of war between the two.
"Ares came to see you?" Zeus's eyes widened with intrigue.
Hades snatched back the book and pushed Zeus back into his seat.
"What did that brat come to see you about?" he demanded.
"I can't tell you that." Hades placed his pen between the pages, closed the notebook. "We were talking about your marriage…"
"Forget that. We can talk around in circles all day, but I am who I am and Hera is who she is. What's talking about our problems going to change?" Zeus sneered.
"I'm hoping you'll choose to do some soul-searching regarding your stance on commitment to your wife versus satisfying your own desires. Ideally, I'd like to get both you and Hera in my office for a joint session to open channels of communication between you in a controlled environment with a mediator to ensure that the unbalanced power dynamics between the two of you aren't used to for lack of a better word shut out the other party."
Zeus scoffed at that. "Are you accusing me of abusing my power—against Hera of all people? Let me tell you something; that woman gives as good as she gets. She has repeatedly hurt me, but all I've heard from you so far is how she's the victim in all of this. What about me? Do you think I enjoy watching her hurt the people I care about?"
"One could also argue that you're the one who keeps putting them in Hera's warpath by choosing to pursue your affairs."
Zeus tilted his head back, massaging his temples. "Ugh! This is giving me a headache. Let's talk about something else… Like why Hera's whelp came to see you. Did she send Ares to spy on my sessions?" He sat up, eyes narrowed in suspicion.
"Fates' sake! What would Hera or Ares gain by spying on your sessions? Hera is the one who forced you to come; she knows why you're here."
"You never know with those two. Ares does whatever his mother tells him to do like a little bitch. He revels in making life difficult for me and being a nuisance with his ill-conceived wars. But you want to know what really gets me? Hera is always on my case about my fidelity, but she's never said a word about Ares' affair with Aphrodite. I bet she enjoyed watching the two humiliate Hephaestus with their antics. But I'm the villain for having my favourites," Zeus scoffed.
A warm flush was spreading across Zeus's face and down his neck. The nectar must have been extra potent, Hades thought to himself.
"You do have your favourites, but as far as I can tell, you're mostly fair in how you treat them." Hades conceded. "Ares, though, is an exception. Why is it that among all your children, he's the one who gets under your skin this much?"
"He's hot-headed, for one. The boy never thinks anything through and rushes into stupid decisions. He's ill-mannered, ill-tempered, and questions me at every turn. Oh, and let's not forget he's the deadly dagger Hera wields against me and those I care about," Zeus listed, bouncing his leg.
Hades nodded. "A lot of those traits could apply to any of your children; they could even apply to you. Could there be an underlying reason you're keeping Ares at arm's length?"
"He's fucking annoying, that's why. And have you smelled him? I've seen rotten carcasses that smell better than he does. How Aphrodite lets him anywhere near her bed when he smells like a maggot nest is beyond me," Zeus shuddered and screwed up his face in disgust.
The urge to add: Childish man-baby, under Zeus's notes was overwhelming, but Hades didn't want to risk him snatching the notebook again.
"Jokes aside, do you think your past experiences with our father have shaped how you interact with Ares as your firstborn son?"
Zeus's answer was quick. "No."
Hades raised a single brow.
"What? Stop looking at me like that. Father is a non-factor in my life; I haven't thought about him in years, and my relationship with Ares has nothing to do with him," Zeus defended.
"What about the prophecy? Don't you think about it as well?"
"What are you trying to insinuate, Hades?"
Hades tapped his fingers on the side of the couch, a speculative expression settling on his face.
"Maybe your complicated relationship with Ares has nothing to do with his behaviour or any other grievance you have against him. You killed our father; just as Kronos killed his father before him. It's possible that you see the same fate in your future; that you see a reflection of your younger self in Ares and have branded him a threat to your power, your rule, and your life."
Of all the reactions, the last one Hades expected from Zeus was laughter. The kind that had Zeus doubling over, tearing up and wheezing as he tried to catch his breath. Only then did Hades realize it had been a while since he'd heard thunder crash overhead.
"What do you take me for, brother? Ares is a skilled warrior. So skilled, I'd venture a guess that he could take out most of the Olympians without breaking a sweat. I do not begrudge him his skill and power in battle, but Ares's power is a speck of dust compared to mine. I could destroy him with half a thought if I wished. To imply that I secretly fear him is laughable."
"Is it?" Hades challenged. "You've never truly dealt with the trauma Kronos caused you; none of us have. But you carry the added burden of being the one with his blood on your hands. The prophecy still haunts you; otherwise, you wouldn't have killed Metis while she was pregnant with Athena. You interact with Ares as a king, not a father and to some extent you do that with the other children as well."
"Because I am both a ruler and a father. We are powerful beings. And although my children have lived for millennia, they are still young. They are impulsive and volatile with their emotions. What do you think would happen if I didn't rein them in? Divine and mortal blood would spill!" Zeus slammed his fist on the armrest.
"Yes, but it is also important to strike a balance between your roles as king of Olympus, and as a husband and father. Your continued dismissive and harsh attitude toward Ares might be the very factor that brings the prophecy to pass."
"What do you suggest I do, then? If Ares and I have anything in common, it's our mutual disdain for each other," Zeus said.
"Your relationships can't be fixed overnight, but you can start by acknowledging Ares' position as one of the two war gods in your pantheon. Consulting Athena on matters of war and conflict is all well and good, but she is not omniscient. Ares may be strong in areas where she lacks experience. Let the two of them play off each other's strengths and weaknesses and show Ares that you value his opinions and his time."
Zeus harrumphed. "So not only do I need to convince Hera that we need date nights, but now I have to coddle Ares' butt hurt feelings. Oh, joy of joys!"