I stepped out of my house, my face still carrying the weight of sleep. It wasn't something others could easily notice; I learned a long time ago how to hide exhaustion. After all, today is the first day of classes after some fairly pleasant vacation weeks. I'm supposed to look excited.
But honestly…
"So lazy… seriously," I muttered as I walked.
It's not that I hate school.
It's not like I'm trying to avoid anyone in particular.
It's just that uncomfortable feeling of having to leave the comfort of my bed and return to routine.
Vacation ended way too fast.
Although, if I'm being honest, I don't completely mind that it's over.
There's someone I want to see again.
Monika.
My best friend.
The girl I've been in love with for years.
I've known her since the beginning of high school. And ever since then, every year I've tried to make our relationship something more than friendship… but it always ends the same way.
When I confessed, she rejected me with the same reason as always.
She doesn't want to ruin what we have.
She doesn't want to change our friendship.
I can understand that… I think.
She's had a boyfriend for three years now.
And since then, I stopped trying.
Not because I lost interest.
It's more complicated than that.
Sometimes people ask me why I don't try again.
Why I don't fight harder.
Why I don't try to separate her from him if I supposedly love her that much.
I could try to make her fall for me in secret. I could stay by her side, waiting for the moment her relationship fails. I could take advantage of every argument she has with her boyfriend to get closer.
But… what kind of person would do that?
Loving someone shouldn't mean wishing for their happiness to break.
If Monika smiles when she talks about him…
if her eyes shine when she mentions his name…
what right do I have to want to extinguish that just to fulfill my own desire?
I don't want her to choose me because someone else failed.
I don't want to be the replacement that shows up when everything collapses.
If one day she ever looks at me differently, I want it to be because she truly chose me… not because I was the only option left standing.
Besides, if I were in her boyfriend's place…
if I managed to be with the person I love…
I wouldn't be able to stand the idea of someone trying to interfere from the shadows, waiting for me to make a mistake.
That would be miserable.
And I don't want to become someone miserable because of love.
Maybe I'm a coward.
Maybe I'm giving up too soon.
But I'd rather carry a silent love…
than destroy something that makes her happy.
"Itsuki!!"
A voice pulled me out of my thoughts.
I turned and saw her running toward me with a smile that seemed to brighten the whole street.
Ayae.
We met during vacation, the same day she moved into the neighborhood. Since then, she's become a constant presence in my days. She's cheerful, straightforward, and has that ability to make any moment feel lighter.
Sometimes I wonder if meeting her right now was coincidence… or fate.
"You're mean. You didn't wait for me," she said in a childish tone.
"Sorry. I left a little late. I thought you were already ahead."
"It's fine," she replied, though for a second she lowered her gaze. "Aren't you excited to go back to school?"
I thought about it for a moment.
"A little… I guess. I'm worried about being busy again, but with you I don't think I'll get bored. Besides, I want to help you feel comfortable around everyone."
Her eyes lit up.
"Thank you, Itsuki. I want to get along with everyone… and have fun with you."
I smiled without thinking too much about what that meant.
We walked to school together. Along the way, we ran into Kunze and Jeremy.
"What's up, Itsuki?!" Kunze shouted as soon as he saw me. "Three months without seeing you."
"What are you talking about?" I replied, though I was glad to see him. "I went to your house sometimes to play video games."
Jeremy let out a small laugh.
"We should enjoy this last year, but don't neglect your responsibilities."
"Of course," we answered almost at the same time.
Then I noticed something.
Ayae was standing beside me… but neither of them had even greeted her.
"Now that I think about it… who's this kid?" Kunze asked teasingly.
"I'm not a kid!" she protested immediately. "I'm the same age as him, and I'm Itsuki's friend."
Jeremy looked curious.
"Friend? Since when do you have friends we don't know about?"
I felt a little embarrassed.
"I met her during vacation… but it's strange. It feels like I've known her for much longer."
Ayae looked at me in surprise. I looked away.
The bell rang before the conversation could continue.
"Well… we should hurry if we don't want to be late," Kunze said.
Jeremy said goodbye and headed toward his classroom.
We had taken a few steps when I remembered something.
"Oh, by the way… Ayae's going to be in our class."
"Seriously?" Kunze smiled enthusiastically. "Then you're already part of the group."
"I hope I get along with everyone," she said, a mix of nerves and excitement in her voice.
"You will," I assured her. "Trust me."
Finally, we reached the classroom door.
We stopped in front of it for a few seconds. I don't know why, but none of us seemed to want to go in first.
Maybe because crossing that door means more than just starting classes.
It's the last year.
The last set of memories before everything changes.
I don't know what will happen.
But something inside me tells me that this year…
I'll never forget it.