Café Lumière (Private Dining Room)
Zayne sat at the large reserved table, already regretting every life choice that led to this moment.
* I arranged this dinner. I weaponized my cousins. This is my fault. I accept full responsibility for the incoming chaos.*
Beside him, Nana was peacefully eating chocolate cake, completely unaware of the CRISIS unfolding across the table.
Jisu was checking her reflection in her phone screen for the SEVENTEENTH time. "Is my hair okay? Should I have worn the blue dress? Is this lipstick too much?"
Mina was PACING. Back and forth. Back and forth. Like a caged tiger.
"Nana," she stopped suddenly, grabbing Nana's shoulders. "Am I pretty? TELL ME I'M PRETTY!"
Nana blinked, mouth full of cake. "You're very pretty! Like a flower!"
"WHAT KIND OF FLOWER?!"
"Um... a loud flower?"
* Loud flower. Accurate botanical classification.*
Zayne's lips twitched. He was trying SO HARD not to laugh.
*Her friends are having simultaneous nervous breakdowns over meeting my cousins. This is. This is actually hilarious. I should feel bad. I don't feel bad.*
Mina resumed pacing. "What do I SAY? Do I act cool? Do I act interested? Do I—"
The café door opened.
Time seemed to SLOW.
Guan Lin walked in first—mullet hair perfectly styled, golden eyes scanning the room, holding an Americano like he was in a photoshoot. Behind him, Mark followed with his easy smile, blonde hair catching the light, blue eyes warm and friendly.
* They're here. My cousins. Looking like they walked off a magazine cover. I'm related to these people. Genetics are wild.*
For exactly 2.3 seconds, there was silence.
Then:
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The scream was so LOUD, so PIERCING, that the café's speaker system gave a pathetic crackle and DIED.
Sparks flew from the speaker in the corner.
The lights flickered.
Somewhere in the distance, a car alarm went off.
* They killed the speaker system. With their VOICES. This is. I need aspirin. Immediately.*
He felt a headache forming behind his eyes. He pinched the bridge of his nose, glasses sliding down slightly.
*We haven't even started dinner.*
Beside him, Nana was LAUGHING. Not politely giggling—full-on CACKLING like this was the funniest thing she'd ever witnessed.
* My wife finds chaos entertaining. This explains so much about our marriage.*
Guan Lin and Mark exchanged a glance that clearly communicated: *"What have we gotten into?"*
But they were Li family. They adapted.
Guan Lin walked over smoothly, taking the seat across from Mina, who had FROZEN mid-pace. Mark sat beside Jisu—
—who IMMEDIATELY scooted her chair RIGHT next to his, closing the gap to approximately 2 centimeters.
I want to run. I want to run so badly. Why did I agree to this?
"Hi Nana," Guan Lin said warmly, ignoring Mina's STARING. "Hi Zayne. Thanks for the dinner invitation."
"Hello, Nana. Zayne." Mark's smile was strained. Jisu was breathing directly on his neck.
*Mark looks like a trapped animal. Guan Lin looks amused. This is going exactly as poorly as expected.*
Guan Lin picked up his Americano and took a sip.
"AAAAAHHH!" Mina screamed. "HE LOOKS GOOD DRINKING! EVEN HIS THROAT MOVES PRETTILY!"
* She's providing live commentary on his swallowing mechanics. This is. This is something.*
Guan Lin CHOKED on his coffee, eyes watering.
"Are you OKAY?!" Mina leaned forward frantically.
He coughed, laughing despite himself. "I'm—I'm fine—"
"EVEN HIS LAUGH IS HANDSOME!"
Sigh .
Nana was CRYING with laughter, holding her stomach.
Guan Lin reached for his napkin.
"AAAHHH! LOOK AT HIS FINGERS! SO LONG! SO ELEGANT!"
He tapped them nervously on the table.
"AAAHHHH! THE TAPPING! SO RHYTHMIC!"
*She's screaming at every action. Every. Single. Action. He could breathe and she'd scream. Actually—*
Guan Lin took a breath.
"AAAHHH! EVEN HIS BREATHING—"
"MINA!" Guan Lin finally laughed, properly laughed, dimples showing. "Please! My ears! You're going to make me deaf!"
"YOUR DIMPLES!" She pointed accusingly. "YOU CAN'T JUST— THEY'RE RIGHT THERE! ON YOUR FACE!"
*She's offended by his facial features. This is a new level of chaos.*
Guan Lin was full-on LAUGHING now, head thrown back. "You're so FUNNY! Okay, okay, I'll stop moving! I'll freeze!"
He went completely still like a statue.
Mina studied him intensely. "...You're handsome even when you're not moving."
"That's worse! How do I stop being handsome?!"
"YOU CAN'T! THAT'S THE PROBLEM!"
* I'm witnessing courtship via screaming. This is what I've created.*
Meanwhile, on the other side of the table:
Jisu had pulled her chair SO close to Mark that she was practically in his lap.
"So," she breathed, "when can we start dating?"
"I—we just met—"
"But your eyes! They're like winter sky! Like frozen lakes! Like—"
"They're just blue—"
"NO! THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL!" She grabbed his arm. "We should get married!"
"MARRIED?!" Mark's voice cracked.
* She proposed. Within four minutes. This is. Actually impressive speed.*
Zayne sighed again (#868), watching his cousins slowly lose their minds.
Nana was still laughing, tears streaming down her face. "This is the BEST dinner ever!"
*My wife's happiness is worth my cousins' suffering. This is acceptable collateral damage.*
Then the door opened again.
Oh no.
Sylus walked in first, signature smirk in place. "Did we miss anything good?"
Behind him: Xavier and his wife. Caleb and his wife. Rafayel and his wife.
* They came. All of them. Every single married cousin. This was supposed to be a small dinner. This is now a FAMILY REUNION.*
"We're here to see NANA!" Caleb's wife announced, rushing forward with a HUGE box of macarons.
She thrust them at Nana like she was feeding a starving child.
"For you! You look so HUNGRY!"
* Nana literally has cake in front of her. She's actively eating. Why does she look like a beggar to everyone?*
Rafayel approached next, holding a professional paint set. "For the artist!" He presented it to Nana with a flourish. "Since you're in art college!"
*Rafayel brought supplies. This is actually thoughtful.*
Sylus pulled out his WALLET and handed Nana a stack of bills. "Here. Buy yourself something nice."
*SYLUS IS GIVING HER MONEY LIKE SHE'S A CHILD. SHE'S TWENTY-ONE. SHE HAS A BANK ACCOUNT.*
Xavier and his wife brought out a basket of fruits and MORE cake. "We thought you might be hungry!"
*Everyone thinks my wife is starving. She weighs 45kg because she's 153cm tall, not because I don't feed her. Why is my family like this?*
Nana looked OVERWHELMED and delighted, surrounded by gifts like it was Christmas.
"Thank you everyone!" She beamed, immediately opening the macaron box.
* She's eating ANOTHER dessert. Where does she PUT it? Her metabolism is medically fascinating.*
The table was now CROWDED—thirteen people total, all talking over each other.
Sylus sat beside Zayne, watching Guan Lin and Mark's struggles with amusement. "Your matchmaking skills need work."
"They're still here, aren't they?"
"Mark looks like he's planning escape routes."
*Accurate assessment.*
Caleb's wife was FAWNING over Nana. "You're so CUTE! So TINY! So INNOCENT! I want to adopt you!"
Nana tilted her head, confused. "Why?"
"Because you look like a hungry beggar and someone needs to PROTECT you!"
* Again with the beggar comparison. My wife grew up in a MANSION. She's the CEO's daughter. This makes no sense.*
Zayne pinched the bridge of his nose. "She's not a beggar. She's just... small. And enthusiastic about food."
"EXACTLY! A BABY!" Caleb's wife cooed.
* My wife is being infantilized by my entire family. This is my reality.*
Nana had now consumed: two slices of cake, four macarons, half a fruit basket, and was eyeing the remaining desserts.
*Sugar intake: critical levels. Impending sugar crash: imminent. Will need to carry her home: guaranteed.*
Suddenly, mid-conversation, Nana leaned close to Zayne and WHISPERED: "Husband... I need to fart."
...
* She needs to fart. At dinner. With my entire family present.Again. This is. This is fine. This is manageable.*
He gestured subtly toward the restroom. "Go to the bathroom."
She nodded seriously, stood up—
—and walked directly to the PILLAR in the corner of the room.
*That's not. That's not the bathroom. That's a PILLAR.*
She positioned herself BEHIND the pillar, thinking she was hidden.
She was not hidden.
Everyone could see her legs. And her upper body. The pillar covered approximately 30% of her body.
* She thinks she's invisible. She's crouching behind a pillar thinking no one can see her. My wife understands neither architecture nor camouflage.*
The table nearby—an elderly couple on a date—watched with growing confusion as this tiny woman crouched behind a pillar.
Then they heard it.
PFFFFFFFFT.
Silence.
Complete, absolute silence.
* She farted. Behind a pillar. In public. In front of my entire family. This is happening. This is real.*
The elderly couple looked at each other. The man's lips twitched. The woman covered her mouth.
They didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
Nana emerged from behind the pillar, beaming like a HAPPY HAMSTER, completely proud of herself.
She skipped back to the table and whispered to Zayne: "I already farted, husband!"
*She's announcing it. She's ANNOUNCING her successful flatulence. With PRIDE.*
He looked at her—this adorable, chaotic, shameless woman who just farted behind a pillar and was now smiling like she'd accomplished something great.
And he LAUGHED.
Not a small laugh. Not a controlled chuckle.
A full, genuine, LOUD laugh that came from deep in his chest.
* I'm laughing. At my wife farting behind a pillar. I've lost all dignity. I'm fine with this.*
That broke the dam.
Sylus CHOKED on his wine, pounding the table.
Rafayel FELL OFF HIS CHAIR, laughing so hard he couldn't breathe.
Caleb was CRYING, wiping tears from his eyes. "She—she just—BEHIND A PILLAR—"
Xavier was wheezing, unable to form words.
The wives were all giggling, finding it endearing rather than mortifying.
Guan Lin and Mark, who'd been suffering through their own chaos, looked RELIEVED to have the attention diverted.
Mina and Jisu were laughing too, though they still kept sneaking glances at their targets.
*My entire family is losing their minds over my wife's digestive system. This is a new low. Or high. I can't tell anymore.*
Caleb's wife grabbed Nana's hands. "I'm DEFINITELY adopting you! You're too PURE for this world!"
"Why do you keep saying I look like a beggar?" Nana asked innocently.
"Because you EAT like you've never SEEN food before! It's ADORABLE!"
*She eats with enthusiasm. This is somehow translated as 'beggar behavior' by my family. The logic is flawed but the affection is genuine.*
Zayne finally composed himself, wiping his own eyes. "She grew up in a mansion. Homeschooled. No dating, no friends, barely left the house until she married me."
Everyone went SILENT.
"THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!" Sylus declared.
"She's like a SHELTERED PRINCESS!" Xavier's wife gasped.
"WHO FARTS BEHIND PILLARS!" Rafayel added, still on the floor.
Another round of laughter.
*They understand now. My wife is simultaneously a sheltered CEO's daughter and a chaos gremlin with zero social awareness. The contradiction is her entire personality.*
Nana looked around, confused. "Did I do something funny?"
*She doesn't understand why everyone's laughing. She genuinely doesn't know. This is both heartbreaking and hilarious.*
"You're perfect, hamster," Zayne said softly, pulling her into his lap.
She settled against him happily, stealing a bite of his untouched dessert.
* She's eating MY dessert now. The sugar consumption continues. My wife is 40% sugar by volume.*
Across the table, Guan Lin was watching Mina, who had FINALLY calmed down enough to eat her food without screaming.
"You're actually very cute," he said casually. "When you're not screaming."
Mina DROPPED her fork. "You—you think I'm CUTE?!"
"Yeah. Funny, too."
She SQUEAKED. An actual squeak. Like a mouse.
Mark, meanwhile, had somehow survived Jisu's aggressive affection. "Would you like to... maybe get coffee sometime? Normal coffee. Without the proposal?"
Jisu GASPED. "YES! YES! A THOUSAND TIMES YES!"
"It's just coffee—"
"THE BEST COFFEE OF MY LIFE!"
*Mission accomplished. Cousins successfully deployed. Chaos agents partially neutralized. My wife farted behind a pillar. Overall: success?*
The dinner continued with laughter, teasing, and an EXCESSIVE amount of dessert consumption (mostly by Nana).
Sylus leaned over to Zayne. "You know, when you got married, I thought you'd become boring. But this—" he gestured to the chaos, "—this is ENTERTAINMENT."
*My family finds my marriage entertaining. This is either flattering or insulting. Probably both.*
"Glad I could provide a show," Zayne said dryly.
"Seriously though," Sylus's voice softened. "She's good for you. You laugh now. Actually laugh."
* Laugh count: 28 tonight alone. Previous annual average: 3. Statistical anomaly: wife.*
"She is," Zayne agreed quietly, watching Nana enthusiastically explain her pillar-strategy to Caleb's wife, who was listening with rapt attention.
* This is my family. Chaotic, loud, intrusive, and somehow exactly what we both needed. She's been absorbed into the Li family collective. They've claimed her. Protected her. Spoiled her like a baby.*
*And I wouldn't change a single thing.*
*Except maybe the pillar incident. That could have been... actually no. That was perfect.*
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🌻🌻🌻
Nana was passed out in the passenger seat, sugar coma achieved, clutching her new paint set and macaron box.
Zayne drove carefully, glancing at her occasionally.
*She ate approximately 2000 calories in dessert alone. Somehow still 45kg. Metabolism: witchcraft.*
Her phone buzzed. He glanced at it (safety first, he was at a red light).
Group Chat: NANA'S GIRLS
Mina: I'M DATING GUAN LIN! SCREAMING WORKED!
Jisu: MARK ASKED ME OUT! BLUE EYES! WINTER SKY!
Nana:[No response, unconscious]
*They're dating my cousins. The bribery worked. Nana's exposure to corrupting influences will decrease. This is a complete victory.*
*Except they'll probably just share stories now. And Mina will tell Nana how Guan Lin kisses and—*
*I've made a terrible mistake.*
*But Guan Lin and Mark are Li family. They'll protect their girlfriends' innocence. Probably. Hopefully. Maybe.*
Sigh
He looked at his sleeping wife, drooling slightly on his car seat, and smiled.
*She farted behind a pillar in front of my entire family and I'm still completely in love with her. This is either true love or I've lost my mind.*
Probably both.
Meanwhile - Mr. Fluffytail's Tree
Mr. Fluffytail was getting a DETAILED report from Mrs. Fluffytail, who'd been spying through the café window.
"The tiny human FARTED behind a PILLAR."
"...What?"
"BEHIND. A. PILLAR. In front of everyone."
"And the doctor human?"
"LAUGHED. So hard he CRIED."
"True love."
"Absolutely."
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🌻🌻🌻
To be continued.