Liron patted Emma's hair, and she rested her head in his hands. "I'm sorry, Em. I…"
"You think they loved me more?" Emma asked. "Really?"
"Yeah," he managed to say. "It's… fuck, I don't even know why I believe this. If you were to ask me, did they love me, I would say no without hesitation. But why do I think this? I… I want to tell myself that they loved me, but when I do, I get so fucking angry at myself. Like… I took everything from them, and now I act like they wanted this.
"I start to think then… that they only kept me because they felt they had to. You know. That it's their duty as my parents to not abandon me. Everything they did for me feels like… they wish they hadn't had to do it. That… that they always put up a front around me, but behind it they fuckin' loathed me. I took away their life, ruined their marriage, and cursed them to be outsiders. Even if I had died, they would always be known as the one who birthed a Ravenspawn."
Liron retrieved his hands, struggling to keep composure. Emma petted his head, her fingers digging into his hair. As she did so, Liron held his hands in front of his mouth, a silent sob twisting his features. What he had shared had opened something buried even deeper, breaking out of its grave.
"I… I don't think pa loved me," Liron breathed. "With ma, I… yeah, I think she loved me no matter what I sometimes feel about it. But with pa… I am pretty sure. Em… I think he hated me."
"Oh, Liri," Emma said. "Why would you think that? He deeply loved you."
"It's just… you said that it felt like ma often ignored you. Or only looked at you when she had something to moan about with your clothes or the songs you played. Pa… like, never cared about me. He was always there, and he provided for me. But… that's it. He had a duty to take care of me… but nothing more.
"He probably could barely stand bein' next to me. I think that's why he was so bitter. He could have had a nice life. Do you know how often he had told me all the women he could have married instead of ma? This fuckin' bastard blamed her like it wasn't his bloody seed that helped creatin' me! This cunt! It was his fault, too!"
Emma pulled Liron close, preventing him from slamming his fist on the bench. "Breathe, Liri, breathe. All is good. I'm here. Calm. It's all good."
Clawing into her shoulder, Liron pressed his forehead against Emma's, steadying his breathing. "He loathed me, Em. He hated me for what I have done. He just didn't want to tell me. I'm pretty sure he carried it with him all day long, and as soon as he had to spend time with me, it had to come out. And if he couldn't throw it at me, the next best thing was ma.
"You know, he never said one bad thing about you. You were his pride and joy. The way he looked at you when you played your lute. Fuck, it was the only time when he smiled. I… I just wanted one 'love you'. Or that he's proud of me. But I am too much of a fuck-up. I can't even blame the ass. You know what, Em, I wouldn't have been better. If my son had fucked up my life, as well as my wife's and daughter's, yeah, I would have hated the piece of shit, too. I guess… I would also hate my wife then. She had her part in this curse. Perhaps… that's why he liked you more. You were not to blame. Em, you are innocent. But neither I nor ma are. Oh… or was. Ma is gone. As is he. But… that's where I don't get you, Em. I am not left to wonder. I know perfectly well."
"Be honest," Emma said after a pause. "Did you want to join Military to make him and us proud?"
"In a way, yes. It wasn't just for you. Military was the only place where I could earn some recognition. I also would have earned a lot of money. Money you would have needed. Perhaps this would have been enough to buy his love. By making it up to him or… whatever. It was a stupid wish by a stupid boy."
Emma shared her brother's sob, no shame in the tears they shed. She pulled Liron's face up, searching for the right words. Ones that would express the things she wanted to share. That she needed him to know.
"Liron… you are so fuckin' stupid."
Liron blinked, frowning. "Wh… what?"
"Yeah, pa was an ass. I will not argue with you on this. And yes, he should have told you what he felt, but Liri, of course he loved you. So very much. He was bitter. And a drunk. He… he didn't know how to tell you. I… well, I think it's not surprising you believed this. You are looking for judging eyes in everybody around you. And I never told you either."
"What didn't you tell me?"
"Have you ever wondered about your name? Liron is a strange name."
"I thought it's just lion with an r in the middle of it."
Emma raised an eyebrow. "Mhm… I guess that as well. But, no. Pa named you."
"He did?"
"I didn't think so either. I also thought ma named us, but she told me it was pa, though she didn't know what the name meant. He simply refused any other name for you. I found it strange 'cause no one in Eisenrahm had a similar name to you. So, one day, when pa had looked too deep into a bottle at Schnauzer's place, I just asked him.
"Your name is based on Lanrion. He wanted to name you after him, but imagine that. A Ravenspawn havin' the name of the Society's founder. The rider of Malador. Normal folk don't name their children after Lanrion already. Guess it's an insult if a pleb like us dares to dream bigger for our kids."
Emma patted Liron's cheek. "You fuckin' morron. Pa loved you deeply. He wanted to name you Lanrion because he knew this name stands for greater things. For honor and chivalry. You were a Ravenspawn born into a shithole like Eisenrahm, but he said that he had seen these things in you. When he held you for the first time, he saw… something good. He… he couldn't give you much. I think it ate him from the inside. He couldn't even give you the name you deserved, so he did the next best thing. Change it a bit so no one would notice."
Liron chewed on his lower lip. "He… he did this… for me?"
"Yes, you donkey. Remember the time you were ill. When we were children?"
"Harras, yes. I nearly died. Don't recall too much. Only that ma cried a lot."
Emma lowered her gaze. "She did. She was heartbroken. She and pa, they never left your side with one exception. It was around midnight. It… it was bad. You were as hot as a fire. You were sweating so much. Ma told me to sleep, but I couldn't. I cried into my cushion for hours until I heard pa sneakin' out of the house.
"I followed him. He went to the healer. The fuckin' witch had refused to treat you. Said she wouldn't steal a beast from Sister Death's hands. Harras had judged you, and she wouldn't go against His wishes. Pa went down to his knees and begged her. I… I will never forget his voice. It broke. He sounded so… defeated. It was so bad even the healer took pity on him. That's why she treated you then and there after. She saw how much pa loved you. Liron, he… he was a difficult man. But he loved you. He just didn't know how to show it."
After the rivers had surged out of his eyes, he found an ocean still. One that demanded to be shed. Once again, the right words were found.
As Liron buried his face into Emma's shoulder, his sister doing the same with him, he grasped a piece he had missed dearly. One in his heart and soul, both bleeding away at its absence. Surrounded by Janloo's significance and holding Emma, Liron understood how a human is supposed to feel and live. He would have sacrificed a lifetime to taste this sensation for all but a moment. To embrace it, what a blessed boy he was.
Perhaps Harras watched over him indeed. Perhaps the sick fuck had enjoyed the torture he had put him through. Liron would never forget the things he had done and seen. The people he had killed. The dead littering the streets of Kupferrang. So many children, staring lifelessly, their pain engraved into their pale features. His darker thoughts promised him more of such sights. Why make him taste heaven if only to take it away from him later on? But whatever this silent god had in store for him or what fate had planned, Liron would not let them sour this moment.
After minutes of weeping like children, they both calmed themselves, watching the Silver Moon descend. The Flying Islands climbed into the sky. Liron was exhausted as if he had unleashed spell after spell. But it was the good kind. One that stemmed from tearing an evil out of his body that had taken deep roots in there. Its absence was a taste he would cherish for years to come.
"Janloo is fuckin' awesome," Liron said. "I will show 'em all to you tomorrow."
"That would be nice," Emma said, her voice as strained as Liron's. "But… I gotta say… why can we breathe if we're this high up?"
"It's the trees," Liron explained. "They fart out of the fresh air. That's why they are everywhere."
"Ah," Emma said. "That is awesome."
Liron wanted to explain to Emma all he had learned. About Janloo and Ekon. But there were more pressing matters. Even if they would ruin the mood. "Em… Adenius invited me to dinner. He wants to speak to me."
A shudder went through Emma, turning her into steel. "What do you want me to do?"
He didn't even have to say it. Liron grinned. "Wanna give your Conduit a true test?"