Chapter 67 – Sheldon's Investigation
When a woman says she's "not angry," she usually is.
But when she openly admits that she is angry, then she's probably really angry.
Missy claimed she had only been mad for three months.
But when Ethan did the math, the timeline seemed closer to ten years.
Otherwise, why had every Christmas card he sent vanished into silence?
And why, every time he called Aunt Mary, Missy was always "not at home"?
---
In a quiet corner of the banquet hall, crystal chandeliers bathed everything in warm golden light.
Missy rested her chin on her hand, chewing lightly on her fork while studying the dessert on her plate with suspicious seriousness.
"What are you thinking about?" Ethan asked.
"I'm thinking," Missy said lazily, "if a man can stare so openly at another woman during his own wedding… while the bride pretends not to notice…
is getting married really such a good idea?"
"Is this a moment of life enlightenment for Miss Cooper?" Ethan laughed.
"Didn't you once say that if you couldn't get into a good college, the best life plan was to marry a rich man so you could eat lobster every day?"
"Second best option," Missy added, spearing a piece of cake,
"was marrying someone who works at Red Lobster."
She took a bite, then continued thoughtfully.
"But now I suddenly feel like… for me, marrying someone who works at Red Lobster might actually be the better option."
She shrugged slightly.
"I used to think money solved everything. Now it feels like… sometimes money just makes the problems bigger."
Ethan nodded.
"That actually sounds pretty reasonable."
Missy narrowed her eyes at him, chewing another bite of cake as if evaluating some complicated theory.
Ethan noticed the look.
"What?"
"I was just thinking," she said slowly, a teasing note hiding in her voice,
"You're not going back to Texas someday, are you?"
"And with your ambitions and abilities… I doubt your life plan includes anything as ordinary as 'working at Red Lobster,' right?"
Ethan answered honestly.
"Yeah. Both of those are pretty unlikely."
Missy nodded.
She didn't press further.
Setting her fork down, she said simply,
"I don't want to talk about that tonight."
She raised her glass.
"Come on—let's keep celebrating."
"Celebrating what?" Ethan asked.
Missy smiled.
"Celebrating the fact that Sarah has achieved her lifelong dream…"
"Marrying the man she believes is a good husband."
The two clinked glasses gently.
---
The next day, a taxi stopped in front of the apartment building.
As the two of them climbed the stairs, they quickly made their plans.
"I'll stop by Penny's place first," Missy said.
"Maybe borrow some makeup. She has this set I really like—the kind of look where people think you're wearing no makeup, but actually it took half an hour."
Ethan nodded. "Sounds good. I'll head back and change clothes… and prepare myself for Sheldon's possible interrogation."
"If he asks where we went last night—" Missy raised an eyebrow. "You can say something went wrong at the wedding or whatever."
She gave him a quick pat on the arm and headed off.
---
When Ethan pushed open the apartment door, the familiar atmosphere greeted him—and everyone was home.
Leonard, Howard, and Raj stood side by side in the middle of the living room with serious expressions.
Across from them stood Sheldon like a judge presiding over a courtroom.
When Sheldon saw Ethan return, he immediately turned to him.
"Where did you go last night? Why didn't you return on schedule? Although I personally don't care, as Missy's brother I require a reasonable explanation."
Ethan kept a calm face.
"Sheldon, we ran into a bit of trouble. The groom drank himself unconscious, so we had to stay and take care of him. We also helped the bride organize the wedding gifts."
"There was a gift-sorting segment?!" Sheldon threw up his hands as if he had just missed out on a million dollars.
"Why did nobody inform me beforehand? I could have provided the most efficient classification method and archiving system."
Right… forgot Sheldon is basically a professional organizer, Ethan thought.
He quickly added, "Sorry, the gift-sorting part was ladies-only. The men were assigned to take care of the groom."
Then he changed the subject.
"Anyway, what are you guys doing? Planning to duel to determine who the strongest man is?"
"Ethan, perfect timing! We need another impartial judge!"
Howard spoke first, using his dramatic tone.
"We are currently holding a fair and honorable competition to determine who is most qualified to date Sheldon's sister—the charming Miss Missy Cooper."
Raj pressed his lips together nervously, clearly taking the matter seriously.
Leonard stood tall, looking completely confident in his chances.
Ethan tossed his keys onto the coffee table and sighed.
"It's been thirty-six hours since Friday night. In all that time you couldn't find anything else to do? Have your brains been completely hijacked by hormones?"
He couldn't resist adding,
"Also, when you guys were orbiting around Missy on Friday, you didn't bother asking me or Sheldon for permission. Why start now?"
"That's because we've now realized the importance of family bonds and neighborly relationships," Leonard explained seriously.
"If this leads to marriage in the future, the approval of family and close friends will be crucial. Sheldon, as Missy's biological brother, and you, as the central connection in her current social circle—your evaluations hold significant reference value."
Ethan rubbed his forehead.
"Alright, listen guys. First, Missy is an independent adult. Who she dates is entirely her own decision. Sheldon and I have no authority over that."
"Second, as a friend… I'd advise you that she probably isn't suitable for any of you."
He paused before adding,
"Or rather—you probably couldn't handle her."
Then Ethan turned to Leonard.
"And another thing. Leonard, don't you already have Penny?"
Leonard immediately protested loudly.
"How do I have Penny? Since WHEN do I have Penny?!"
Ethan corrected himself.
"Sorry—I mean, weren't you pursuing Penny? Did you give up already?"
Howard instantly jumped in.
"So that means I can pursue Penny now?"
Leonard spun around like a rooster whose tail had just been stepped on.
"Absolutely not!"
Ethan fell silent.
Good grief… I've lived here eighteen years and I still can't keep up with the locals' logic when it comes to relationships.
---
Ethan went to his room to change clothes.
When he returned, the three men were still gathered around Sheldon, trying to prove their compatibility with Missy.
Ethan had the distinct feeling that Sheldon was thoroughly enjoying the situation.
"First, Mr. Wolowitz," Sheldon began, pointing at Howard.
"You are a Jewish male who still lives with his mother and has not yet fully separated from her emotionally. Your behavioral patterns suggest you are not ready for a mature romantic relationship."
Howard gaped.
"Hey! My mother says I'm extremely mature!"
Sheldon ignored him and turned to Raj.
"Second, Dr. Koothrappali. You possess a fatal flaw—selective mutism. Without alcohol in your system, you are incapable of normal verbal communication with women."
"Do you intend to begin every date with a drink for courage? That is neither healthy nor romantic."
He continued matter-of-factly:
"Additionally, alcohol reduces sperm motility, quantity, and quality. It also increases the risk of DNA fragmentation in sperm cells, indirectly lowering the chances of successful conception."
"Therefore—no."
Raj shot Ethan a miserable look, silently asking for support.
Ethan only shrugged.
Finally, Sheldon turned to Leonard.
"As for you, Dr. Hofstadter…"
He paused thoughtfully.
"You experience intestinal gas whenever you consume ice cream."
"Imagine sharing a romantic sundae with Missy, only for the situation to spiral out of control due to your gastrointestinal reaction. That would be extremely embarrassing."
Leonard's face turned red.
"That's just lactose intolerance! Lots of adults have that!"
"Yes," Sheldon replied calmly. "Many people do. But I would prefer that my future nieces and nephews do not."
He then produced a single individually wrapped slice of cheese from behind his back and handed it to Leonard.
"Eat this slice of cheese. If you can guarantee that you will not release intestinal gas within the next hour—"
"then you may earn permission to sleep with my sister."
(End of Chapter)