"What?! There's a shortcut?! Nine-Tails, why didn't you tell me sooner?! I've been agonizing over this for ages! Quick, tell me!" Naruto urged excitedly, jumping to his feet.
True, the Nine-Tails had recently agreed to lend Naruto its power unconditionally to stop the cursed marriage prophecy, but it still hadn't officially revealed its real name to the boy.
Part of this was due to its massive, tsundere ego.
But more importantly, the Nine-Tails understood the deep psychological significance of a Tailed Beast giving a human its true name.
Even if it were to tell Naruto its name, it would only do so after Naruto and Sasuke had safely solidified their bond.
Extreme caution was paramount, it had to ensure it wouldn't accidentally become the entity closest to Naruto's heart.
"It's that... foolish, degenerate thing you did in your bed last night," the Nine-Tails mumbled, sounding incredibly embarrassed and actively avoiding eye contact inside the cage.
"Which one?"
"The one I yelled at you to stop doing!" the fox roared, its face flushing red.
"Oh, that one! Why? How does beating my meat help me do Sage Mode?" Naruto scratched his head, utterly bewildered by the fox's logic.
"Based on my thousand years of experience observing humans in the Shinobi World, after a human male successfully completes... that specific biological project... your brain floods with chemicals and enters a very brief, highly specialized state of absolute mental clarity and emotional emptiness. The 'post-nut clarity'."
The Nine-Tails spoke slowly, as if every word was physically painful to utter.
"During the Warring States Period, a famous monk once theorized that in the brief window after completing this project, a man's completely empty mind is actually the closest it can ever get to the profound enlightened state of the Sage of the Six Paths."
"Though that monk was probably just making excuses for his severe porn addiction, judging by how human males behave afterward, it does seem to have a highly potent tranquilizing effect on your hyperactive brains. You should try it."
"Really? Nine-Tails, are you just trying to trick me into doing it so you can also have fun because you don't have the... you know... the equipment?" Naruto asked, highly skeptical.
"GET LOST! I AM GIVING YOU GENUINE, LIFESAVING ADVICE AND YOU DARE SLANDER MY HONOR?!" the Nine-Tails roared furiously, slamming the cage bars.
"Sorry, sorry! I didn't mean to doubt you! I-I'll do it right away!" Naruto apologized hastily, terrified of losing the fox's cooperation.
He obediently sat down behind a bush and start beating his meat.
A few intense minutes later...
"Alright! My mind is totally blank! I'm going to start practicing Sage Mode right now!"
Without even bothering to wash his hands in the river, Naruto immediately sat down on the rock spire in a meditative posture, desperately focusing on condensing the ambient Natural Energy.
As the fox had correctly hypothesized, Naruto's hyperactive mind was completely emptied.
He achieved perfect stillness and entered the required meditative state almost instantly.
He even effortlessly achieved the precise, delicate chakra control ratio required to balance his physical, spiritual and natural energies for Sage Mode.
"Haha! I did it! I succeeded on the very first try! I really am a genius!!!"
Naruto snapped his eyes open, walked over to the riverbank to finally wash his sticky hands, and caught sight of his reflection in the water.
The orange toad markings had perfectly formed around his eyes.
He danced on the riverbank with pure excitement.
Eager for more praise to feed his ego, Naruto immediately summoned Sage Shima and Fukasaku.
However, this being Naruto's first time ever successfully entering Sage Mode, make the duration was incredibly short.
By the time the toads arrived, he had already reverted to normal.
"No problem, I'll just refine the chakra again," Naruto said confidently, sitting back down to focus.
Seconds later, without the benefit of his previous "post-nut clarity," his face began to aggressively swell and mutate into a toad.
Whack!
Sage Fukasaku leaped up and slapped him sharply with his cane, knocking him out of the trance.
"Idiot! I told you to achieve inner peace and meditate first! Why did you try to absorb Natural Energy while your mind was racing?!"
"Huh?" Naruto rubbed his swelling face, showing no remorse, only genuine confusion as the toad-features slowly receded.
Then, realization dawned on his face.
He needed the clarity again!
"Grandpa and Granny Toad, wait right here! I need to find a much better, quieter place to refine my Sage Art Chakra."
Deeply embarrassed to perform the necessary "prep work" in front of the two elderly toads, Naruto needed to find a highly secluded spot in the woods.
"Don't worry, I'll leave a Shadow Clone here to watch over my main body. If anything goes wrong and I start turning into a frog, the clone will punch me and wake me up."
With that flimsy excuse, Naruto dashed deep into the dense forest.
Ten minutes later, Naruto emerged from the bushes, zipping up his pants, fully transformed into a perfect Sage Mode!
"He actually managed to achieve a perfect Sage Mode? That loud little brat?"
"It took too long, but the physical completion is even more flawless than Jiraiya's ever was! And he entered the mode entirely on his own!"
Shima and Fukasaku exchanged utterly astonished glances.
Could Naruto truly be a generational genius?
But how did he manage it?
Why did changing locations to a secluded bush make all the difference?
"Too long?"
Naruto beamed at their high praise, but he immediately caught their mention of a flaw.
"Yes," Sage Shima explained, shaking her head.
"Entering Sage Mode requires absolute stillness and preparation. Jiraiya's imperfect Sage Mode required us two to be summoned and fused to his shoulders to gather the energy for him, which took about five minutes of running around. Even with that head start, five minutes is still a massive amount of time to be completely vulnerable during a high-level battle. Naruto, your Sage Mode is visually much more refined, but the excessive ten minutes it takes you to 'prepare' in the bushes is a fatal flaw."
"A fatal flaw?" Naruto's goofy smile instantly vanished.
If he had to stop mid-fight with Orochimaru and ask for a ten-minute bathroom break to masturbate, he would be slaughtered instantly!
"Don't be discouraged, Naruto," Sage Fukasaku reassured him, patting his leg. "Mastering the perfect balance of Sage Mode so quickly already proves your genius. Keep practicing your meditation, and you will gradually speed up the process."
"That's right, Naruto! To reward you for mastering it today, Fukasaku and I decided to visit Konoha and bring you back some treats for dinner. What would you like?" The two toads chimed in, taking turns trying to cheer him up.
"Uh, thank you, Grandpa Toad and Granny Toad. Just a few buckets of instant cup ramen will do."
Naruto replied casually, his ADHD mind already racing with insane ideas on how to refine his highly specific "preparation" technique and drastically shorten the activation time.
After Shima and Fukasaku left for Konoha, Naruto created a Shadow Clone to continue practicing.
'Huh? A Shadow Clone?'
Naruto formed the familiar cross hand seal.
"Harem Technique!"
Poof.
A dozen gorgeous, naked clones appeared in the clearing.
Previously, he had been practicing his "preparation" using only his wild imagination.
Now, with highly tangible, visual targets standing right in front of him, Naruto successfully achieved his "clarity" and entered Sage Mode twice as quickly.
Five minutes.
"No. It is still not fast enough for actual combat."
His expression was dead serious, Naruto consulted the giant fox within his mind.
"Nine-Tails, any ideas?"
"If I recall correctly from watching you spam that jutsu for years," the Nine-Tails' booming voice echoed in Naruto's mind.
"Shadow Clones automatically synchronize their physical memories and bodily sensations with the original body the moment they dispel, correct?"
Naruto's blue eyes lit up with sheer, unadulterated genius.
He clapped his hands together.
"Nine-Tails, you're a goddamn genius! That's it!"
"Multiple Shadow Clone Technique!"
Poof!
Naruto instantly created a massive army of a thousand Shadow Clones, completely filling a corner of Mount Myōboku's rocky terrain.
Then, all one thousand Shadow Clones simultaneously dropped their pants and began beating their meat.
Ten seconds later, Naruto dispelled all one thousand clones at the exact same time.
A thousand localized instances of "post-nut clarity" violently slammed into Naruto's original brain simultaneously.
Success!
His mind was instantly wiped completely blank by the sheer chemical overload.
He had achieved absolute, Buddhist-level nirvana in just ten seconds!
Next came condensing the actual Natural Energy...
This specific chakra-gathering process took a fixed amount of time based on his current skill level.
It could only be gradually shortened through repeated agonizing practice.
The first time Naruto condensed Sage Art Chakra in the bushes, it took him a full minute of focus.
This time, riding the high of a thousand synchronized clarities, he managed to balance the energy in just forty seconds!
Adding the ten seconds for the clones' "takeoff," he successfully entered a perfect Sage Mode in a mere fifty seconds!
Perfect!
"Now I can finally rescue Sasuke, the Pervy Sage, and Mom!" Naruto clenched his fist, brimming with excitement, completely ignoring the deeply cursed method he had just invented to achieve this power.
"Wait, Naruto," the Nine-Tails' weak, highly disturbed voice echoed in his mind. "Don't forget... Uchiha Sasuke still desperately needs your power to advance his Sharingan."
"Right! Nine-Tails, I almost forgot if you hadn't reminded me!" Naruto nodded seriously, his resolve to save his best friend burning brighter than ever!
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I have so many question about Naruto series now....