"I'm sorry... I didn't mean for that to happen."
Rafah's voice trembled slightly. Guilt was clear in her eyes. What had happened just now had crossed far beyond "sex" in the ordinary sense. She was someone who knew every rule, every procedure, and everything that had to be followed when it came to BDSM. Yet she had let herself be swept away by emotion until she crossed a line she should never have crossed.
Because, if things were to be done properly, she should have asked Petra for permission first and talked everything through clearly. What could be done. What could not be done. Especially with the dangerous act from a moment ago. It should never have been left to a fleeting impulse like that.
Rafah felt so guilty toward Petra that she could no longer continue what they had left unfinished. She pulled away from Petra, grabbed her clothes, and put them on hastily, with no care for neatness, then dropped herself onto the sofa in the room. One hand lifted to sweep through her long black hair in frustration, as if trying to release the emotions clashing inside her, before she rubbed her face again and again, trying to gather herself.
Petra watched all of Rafah's movements in silence. She slowly pushed herself up, calmly put her clothes back on, then walked over and sat down beside Rafah without saying anything.
For a while, both of them simply stayed silent like that.
As if neither of them could find the right words for this situation.
The suffocating silence squeezed Petra almost as much as what had happened moments earlier. The mark of Rafah's grip around her throat still lingered enough for her to feel it. Petra had to admit honestly that it had startled her, and for a split second, fear had slipped in.
But Petra was not angry with Rafah at all.
Deep down, perhaps it was because she had already expected that Rafah's tastes in bed might be different from most people's. That thought had been rooted in her mind since the night she saw what Rafah did to Naphatsorn. Rafah had treated Naphatsorn as if she were nothing more than a lifeless doll, existing only to obey orders and satisfy her desires in bed.
Even so, Petra had never imagined that taste would go as far as what had just happened.
She had never thought it.
Never expected it.
Not even a little.
"It's okay. I know you didn't mean for it to happen."
Petra spoke in a soft voice, yet clearly enough for Rafah to hear every word. But the tension on Rafah's face did not fade in the slightest.
"No..." Rafah shook her head slightly. "I still have to apologize to you. What I did was very dangerous. If I had made a mistake, you could have..."
Her words broke off in the middle of the sentence.
Rafah froze, as if she could not bring herself to say the consequence out loud. Because she knew very well that one mistake from what she had done just now, even for a fleeting moment, could have meant life-threatening danger.
She drew in a deep breath, trying to keep her voice steady.
"With something like this, if we're going to do it, there has to be consent first. We have to talk clearly about boundaries. Most importantly, we need a safe word so everything can stop immediately if you need it to."
Her sharp eyes met Petra's directly.
"But what I did to you just now was not right at all. And honestly... for our first time, I didn't mean for any of this to be involved."
Rafah fell silent for a moment before her voice lowered.
"Our first time... I only wanted it to be like anyone else's."
Petra reached out and took Rafah's hand.
"It's okay," she comforted her. "Then how about this? Let's talk about it. I may not understand you one hundred percent, because I've never allowed anyone to do anything like this to me before. But you can teach me."
Rafah went still.
She had not expected Petra to accept this so easily. Perhaps Petra still did not understand what she would have to face. Or perhaps... she still did not understand the seriousness of it.
"You still don't understand, Petra," Rafah said in a low voice. "I could hurt you."
"I just want both of us to be happy together."
That answer was firm, but Rafah still did not accept it. Her face remained tense, as if she were weighing whether Petra's words came from true understanding or simple lack of experience.
That silence made Petra realize she needed to be clearer than this.
"Khun Rafah, even if I seem innocent, I'm not a naive child who doesn't know what BDSM means. I may not know it deeply or understand all of it, but I can tell that you probably have those kinds of preferences."
Rafah turned back to look at Petra. Those sharp eyes seemed to be searching for something.
Perhaps...
Certainty.
"Then are you afraid of me?"
"No."
Petra answered immediately, without even a second of hesitation.
"To me, BDSM is just a preference. And I think we can talk about it openly, like two adults."
She paused for a moment before emphasizing the final sentence in a more serious voice.
"And if we really want to keep going, I need to know all of who you are."
That incident became the turning point that forced the two of them to sit down and talk seriously about sexual preferences. Rafah had never expected the situation to lead her into such an official conversation about sex with Petra.
In truth, she had never even imagined that bringing Petra to stay at the rehabilitation center on this island would push their relationship this far. But now that everything had reached this point, and now that she and Petra had already become intimate, sitting down and openly discussing their personal tastes in sex should not have been difficult.
And yet, deep in her heart, Rafah felt afraid.
Not because what they were about to discuss was complicated.
Not because it was about sex.
But because the person she was about to talk to was Petra.
In the past, if she had to explain her desires in bed to a woman she was going to sleep with, she could do it easily. So easily that Rafah barely had to think about what to say. That was because Rafah did not care. There was no emotional attachment. No need to be careful. No fear of losing anything.
She would simply hand over a document listing the BDSM activities she liked, along with rules and limits.
If she offered it and the other person could not handle it, they would simply go their separate ways.
And that would be the end of it.
That was all.
But this time...
It was completely different.
Rafah was afraid Petra would see her as dangerous. Afraid Petra would become afraid of her. And what she feared most was losing Petra simply because of sexual preferences Petra might not understand.
This fear of loss was something Rafah had never felt for anyone before in her life.
And that was why she remained silent for a long time before finally allowing herself to speak.
"People have all kinds of sexual preferences."
Rafah began in an even voice.
"If it follows what most people are familiar with, things like kissing, touching, oral sex, or penetration, that's usually called vanilla sex."
Petra blinked several times, as if her brain had failed to shift modes fast enough. Rafah had suddenly switched into a serious explanatory mode, and this was the first time in Petra's life she had heard the term vanilla sex. Only now did she realize that the kind of sex most people had actually had a formal name.
Rafah continued.
"But apart from vanilla sex... there are also people who have kinks."
The new term that had just fallen into her ears made Petra go blank all over again.
"What was that word you just said? And how do you pronounce it?"
Petra asked again, her voice uncertain. Never mind the meaning. She was not even confident she could pronounce it correctly.
"Kink," Rafah answered patiently. "It's an umbrella term for sexual preferences or activities in bed that fall outside vanilla sex, such as BDSM, role play, fetish, or even group sex."
After explaining, Rafah fell silent.
Her sharp gaze turned to Petra, as if observing every reaction. She wanted to know how Petra felt.
Whether she was shocked.
Or worse...
Afraid of her.
As for Petra, she sat still and listened to every word Rafah explained without interrupting. Even though many of the terms sounded unfamiliar, some of them were at least somewhat familiar. For example, BDSM. Petra knew the term from the famous erotic romance film Fifty Shades of Grey. As for role play, she could guess it probably meant acting out roles during sex.
But the third term Rafah mentioned, fetish, Petra had no idea what it meant. The only thing she could connect it to was the title of a song by Selena Gomez, her favorite singer, whose concert ticket she had once spent a fortune on when she came to perform in Thailand.
The last term, however, group sex, made Petra's thoughts run much farther than that.
If Rafah's preferences really leaned in that direction, Petra was not sure whether she would be able to accept it. It felt too far beyond what she could keep up with.
And if that were truly the case...
Petra could not see how this relationship could move forward at all if she might be unable to accept it from the very beginning.
Just thinking that far made Petra swallow hard. She decided to ask, with a question that almost gathered everything Rafah had mentioned into one sentence, along with a silent prayer in her heart.
Please let her say no.
"So... um, Khun Rafah, do you like all of that?"
Rafah was silent for a moment. Her razor-sharp gaze moved to Petra, as if weighing the answer she was about to give, before she spoke only one word.
"No..."
Rafah glanced at Petra slightly before continuing.
"I only like BDSM."
That single short sentence made Petra feel as if the worry pressing on her chest had been lifted. At least Rafah's preferences in bed were not as extreme as what Petra's imagination had run toward. Petra drew in a breath, then decided to ask further.
"So when you say BDSM... does that mean we have to use chains, whips, and handcuffs during sex like in the movies?"
Rafah shook her head almost immediately.
Her sharp face turned back to Petra with seriousness.
"No. People who have BDSM preferences don't all necessarily like using chains, whips, or handcuffs. Some people don't even need sex at all. Just being able to give orders, to control, or to follow orders can already make them feel satisfied."
Petra went still.
She had only just realized that her own understanding of BDSM was nothing but a shallow surface layer.
And it seemed Rafah could read that thought.
"Okay... you thought it would be like in the movies, didn't you?"
"Yes," Petra answered honestly.
Rafah nodded in understanding before gathering herself again and explaining in a calmer voice.
"Then forget what you've seen in movies for now. The first thing you need to understand is that BDSM is simply a sexual preference. It's not a disease. It's not a mental illness. And it's not an abusive or violent relationship, as long as it happens with the consent of both sides and doesn't interfere with daily life. In that case, there's nothing abnormal about it."
Rafah paused briefly before continuing in a more serious tone.
"Many people misunderstand. They think people who like BDSM must have gone through trauma or abuse as children, or that they must have some wound buried in their mind. But that isn't true..."
Her sharp gaze met Petra's directly.
"What I want you to know about me is this. Even though I had family problems in childhood, they are not the reason I have this preference. For me, BDSM is simply a sexual preference. Nothing more."
Petra fell silent.
She herself had once been one of the people who thought that way. She had once viewed BDSM as a dark preference of the human mind, something dangerous, something that had to be tied to some wound inside the person who liked it. She admitted to herself that she had once judged Rafah that way, especially after hearing about Rafah's troubled family. It was no wonder her misunderstanding had gone so far.
But now...
After listening to Rafah explain, Petra was beginning to understand the world of BDSM a little more.
Rafah continued explaining patiently.
"BDSM consists of three main parts. I'll explain them to you one by one. Some of the terms may sound unfamiliar, but don't worry. I'll try to make them as easy to understand as possible."
"The first part is B/D. It stands for Bondage and Discipline.
Bondage means restraint. It could be tying someone's hands, tying their feet, using rope, handcuffs, a scarf, or anything else.
Discipline means setting rules and agreements. When one side breaks a rule, there will be punishment. For example, I might set a rule that when we're at home, you're only allowed to wear lingerie. But if you break that rule, then you'll have to be punished by me."
Rafah glanced at Petra, as if realizing she was speaking rather formally and technically.
"Do you have any questions so far?"
Petra shook her head lightly.
"No."
"Then I'll continue."
Rafah spoke before explaining the second part.
"The second part is D/S. It stands for Dominant and Submissive.
Dominant, or Dom for short, is the side that likes to control and has the authority to give orders. Submissive, or Sub, is the side that allows themself to be controlled, obeys orders, and follows the Dom's desires."
She paused slightly, giving Petra time to keep up.
Then she moved on to the final part.
"And the third part is S/M. It stands for Sadist and Masochist.
A Sadist is the side that feels excitement or satisfaction from causing the other person pain, whether physically or through words. A Masochist is the side that feels satisfaction from being hurt, humiliated, or degraded."
Rafah went quiet for a moment, as if choosing her words.
Then she summarized it for Petra calmly.
"To put it simply, BDSM is about playing with power in bed. It's a dynamic we have to design together. It has rules, roles, who controls, who follows. Everything depends on what both sides agree to."
She met Petra's eyes.
"But there are only a few absolute rules. Both sides must consent. The boundaries must be clear. Both people must be fully aware. And if either person can't handle it anymore, everything must be able to stop immediately."
When she finished, Rafah asked,
"Explained this way... does it make a little more sense to you?"
Petra nodded.
"Yes. But there's something else I want to ask."
"Go ahead."
"From what you explained, I think I understand the overall picture now. But what I'm really wondering is... what kinds of BDSM activities are there? I mean, can you give me an actual list? Because right now, it still feels a bit abstract to me."
Rafah went still for a moment, as if carefully considering her answer, before responding honestly.
"There are actually a lot. But I'm not interested in all of them, and I haven't tried everything either, so I don't know that much."
She paused for a moment, thinking.
"But if we're talking broadly, just enough to help you picture it, there's role play, acting out roles like master and slave. Using words of authority, setting rules to follow, and agreeing on how rewards or punishments will work."
"Hmm... There's also tying hands or feet. If you go deeper into that, there's shibari, the Japanese art of rope bondage, which was historically used on prisoners. If you want to know what it looks like, you can search it online."
Rafah's gaze remained on Petra.
"Some people like collars because they symbolize ownership. Some enjoy playing with pain, such as being struck by hand or with a whip. If it involves temperature, there's wax play and ice play, using candles or ice. And there's also... nipple play."
Petra sat almost motionless, listening to Rafah explain the activities until the end. She swallowed slowly. The burning heat she felt made the tips of her ears turn red beyond her control. Even though she had already had two girlfriends before, not one of those experiences had ever come even close to what Rafah was describing.
Everything Petra had ever known, everything she had ever experienced, suddenly seemed ordinary.
Even in the most secret corners of her own imagination, Petra had never crossed the line into sexual activities that sounded this far beyond imagination, this unpredictable.
And yet...
She did not feel like running away at all.
On the contrary, Petra found herself growing more interested.
The fact that Rafah was so serious about explaining, that she clearly wanted Petra to understand, that she did not seem ready to recklessly drag her into a world she was not prepared for, that caution made Petra feel safe.
And because of that, it made her want to know Rafah's world even more.
She wanted to step into the world of BDSM and experience it for herself.
Maybe...
She was becoming the very thing she had always feared.
A moth enchanted by the flame, knowing full well the fire could burn her at any moment, yet choosing to fly toward it anyway.
"Then how will I know what you like or don't like?"
"That's something we have to talk through and agree on together."
Rafah answered, then met Petra's eyes seriously.
"Like when we had sex just now, you should have some idea of what I'm like, what kind of sex I like. I'm not gentle. I like being the one giving orders. And most importantly... I like being in control."
The owner of that strikingly beautiful face paused for a moment before leaning closer to Petra's sweet face, narrowing the distance between them until Petra could feel her warm breath brushing against her cheek.
"And I fucking enjoy making you beg me to touch you like that."
Those raw words slipped from the mouth of a woman with a face as beautiful as Rafah's.
It was...
Petra did not want to say what she was thinking right now, because Rafah's words aroused her far too much. She lowered her head almost immediately. Rafah could talk about what they had done in bed, and about her own desires, directly and openly, without the slightest embarrassment.
And no matter how embarrassed Petra felt by those words, that voice, and that gaze, she still had to keep her expression under control.
"If you like being in control... does that mean I'd be the one letting you control me?"
She asked softly.
"Yes. But only if you want to."
Petra unconsciously bit her own lip.
Then she chose to ask the most important question.
"If I agree to let you control me, where's the limit? Do I have to let you do whatever you want... to my body?"
Rafah shook her head almost immediately.
"No. We have to talk and agree first. I can only do something if you allow it. Like what happened earlier... when I did breath play with you, that was wrong of me. I didn't talk to you first, and I didn't ask for your permission."
"Breath play..."
Petra repeated the words slowly, thinking back to the moment Rafah had reached out and tightened her hand around her throat.
"What you did back then... that's called breath play?"
"Yes," Rafah answered, then explained further. "It means restricting someone's breathing to heighten arousal. In truth, it's a very high-risk activity. I should have explained everything to you first, and you had every right to refuse if you didn't want to do it."
Rafah paused before emphasizing the most important point.
"And most importantly... we need to agree on a safe word."
Petra looked at Rafah.
"What's that?"
"It's a word used during BDSM activities. If the person being controlled, or the Sub, says that word, everything has to stop immediately, no matter what's happening."
"Can you give me an example?"
"One I've used before is... 'matcha.'"
Petra narrowed her eyes.
"Matcha... as in green tea?"
"I like matcha."
That answer made Petra burst out laughing, and the serious atmosphere changed at once. The image of a stunningly beautiful woman who looked as dangerous and seductive as Rafah using "matcha" as a safe word during sex made Petra laugh for a good while. It was cute, unexpected, and so unlike what she had imagined that Rafah shot her a slightly annoyed look. Petra quickly stopped laughing, though a faint smile still lingered at the corner of her mouth.
"Then what do you think we should use, Khun Rafah?"
"If I'm the one who comes up with it, you'll just laugh at me again, the way you laughed at 'matcha' just now."
Petra lifted the corner of her mouth in a small smile. It was the kind of smile that looked like she was trying to hide it, but not too hard. She had only just realized that Rafah, who seemed so mature, composed, and grown-up, also had this unexpectedly cute side. A side of a woman who seemed just a little sulky. It made Petra want to tease her more just to see her get even more annoyed. But another part of her found it too endearing to do that.
"Then... let's use 'sloth.'"
"Sloth?"
"I already told you my friends used to tease me by calling me a sloth. If we're doing something and you hear that word, I think it'll kill the mood enough for you to stop right away."
Rafah raised an eyebrow slightly, her expression as if she was not sure whether Petra was teasing her.
"Are you messing with me?"
"I'm not. I'm serious."
Petra answered with a sly smile that made it very clear she was absolutely teasing her.
Rafah pretended to look exasperated before letting it go, because deep down, she already found Petra endearing.
She did not even know why.
But there was something about Petra that made her softer.
"All right. Sloth it is."
Rafah's answer made Petra smile in satisfaction. She had truly been teasing Rafah, and seeing Rafah indulge her only made her feel even more special to this woman.
Maybe talking openly after having sex really had brought them closer.
"So besides breath play, what else do you like?"
Rafah leaned back slightly, her sharp eyes refocusing on Petra before she answered slowly, as if choosing her words with care.
"Tying your hands. Blindfolding you during sex."
She paused for a moment, as if thinking.
"There might also be dirty talk. I may say some pretty crude things when we're having sex."
Petra raised an eyebrow slightly.
"How crude are we talking?"
"Like that night at Black Eden, when I told you, 'I find you intriguing. And very fuckable.' I said it in English because I didn't want it to sound too vulgar."
Rafah paused for only a fraction of a second. Her razor-sharp gaze dropped briefly to Petra's full lips before slowly lifting again.
"But what was really in my head at that moment was..."
.
.
"Petra, I wanted to fuck you so badly."
Hojicha Writer
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