We leave the theater in silence. The silence between us is ringing, almost tangible. I suggest a walk — Katrin nods, but something in her silence is unsettling. It is strained, foreign.
She walks ahead, and I follow her, tormenting myself with doubts more and more with each step. Offended? Disappointed? Maybe she doesn't want to talk to me anymore? Thoughts race in my head until a feeling of guilt squeezes my chest like an iron hoop. Will it really all happen again? Will she want to throw me out of the house along with my things again, like last time? This time, at least, I understand what I did wrong, and I feel my guilt. But what should I do? How do I fix the situation?
I catch up to her, stepping forward, and take her hand, gently stopping her. Rebel Girl turns around, and her eyes meet mine. In them I look for answers, but they are as mysterious as always.
"Did I offend you?" I ask openly, trying to sound calm, though everything inside me is boiling with anxiety.
"Did you offend me with something?" she frowns slightly, as if she really doesn't understand what I am talking about.
"I mean what I said to you in the theater. I didn't want to express myself so harshly, forgive me," I say, feeling how the words come out of me with difficulty.
She comes closer and hugs me around the waist. Her touch is soft but confident, and this instantly calms my nerves.
"You didn't offend me with anything. I just got lost in thought…" her voice sounds thoughtful, but without a shadow of offense.
Katrin puts me into a stupor again with her behavior. She is so unpredictable, and this simultaneously fascinates and frightens me.
"What were you thinking about?" I try not to sound too persistent, though I want to know what is happening in her head.
"About our first time. I would really like it to be at my place. I am calmest there, and it won't be so hard to relax," the girl answers, and her words make me freeze.
"You want us to, I mean, me to…" I don't know how to correctly express my thoughts, and I am afraid to say something wrong.
Is Katrin really thinking about this? I am not entirely sure that she will allow anything except kisses. We are close, but until this moment everything seemed so fragile, so unreliable. And now she started talking about it, and this makes me feel a mixture of excitement and fear.
"Yes, I also want to make love with you. But when — I don't know. Maybe let's do it towards the end of your wish, while I am your girlfriend? What do you think about this?"
I stand and still cannot believe what this girl has just said. My thoughts are confused, my heart beats so loudly that it seems it can be heard on the other end of the street. I feel how my face begins to burn, and my hands tremble slightly.
"Max, don't be silent. Answer something already!" her voice returns me to reality.
I stand like that fish, opening and closing my mouth in an attempt to say something. Words do not come, thoughts are confused, and I feel like a complete idiot.
"Um… Well…" this is more like an incoherent mumbling than an answer.
"I am not forcing you, I just suggested it. Let's go home, because I'm tired," she says, turning around and preparing to go.
Her calmness only intensifies my confusion. Rebel Girl is always like this — confident, bold, but at the same time tender. And now, when she begins to leave, I feel something inside me skip a beat. I cannot just let her go. In a panic, I step forward and hug her from behind, pressing her to myself. Her body is warm, and I feel how she shivers slightly, but she does not resist.
"Do you really want me? Do you like me? As a man? Does it bother you that for me it's the first time? If anything, it doesn't bother me that it's not yours. Although, it does. I would like to find him and punch him in the face with all my strength," I begin to ramble, spilling everything that has accumulated in my head. The words burst out, as if I can no longer hold them back. I stand, as if gathering strength, and now, seeing that she is leaving, I decide to ask all the questions that I held inside myself for so long.
"Wait, wait, baby. Don't rush, I'll answer all your questions," she turns to me and softly begins to stroke my face. Her touches are so tender that I begin to melt under her hands, as if all my fear and tension dissolve in her palm. I smile at her with the happiest smile, like a fool, and cannot tear my eyes away from her. How I love her!
"And as for my first time, I don't even consider it my first. I have crossed it out of my life, and for me there was nothing. Although the subconscious, of course, thinks otherwise, and it left a mark, but still."
She always knows how to find the right words to comfort me, even when I myself don't understand what I need.
"Let's go, I really want to go home. We'll discuss the rest there," she takes me by the hand. Her fingers intertwine with mine, and this simple action makes me feel that everything will be great with us, and there is no need to worry.
"Okay," I agree, following her.
We are going home, and at this moment I realize that, despite all my fears and doubts, I am ready for anything for her sake. She is my light, my meaning, and I know that whatever happens, we will go through this together.