I don't want you to stay connected with this man," he said in a tone I had never heard from him before. It was arrogant, cold… unfamiliar.
Since childhood, Pa had always been calm in every situation, especially with me. But right now, I didn't think he was the same person anymore.
"Why?" I asked while looking directly into his eyes.
"Because I don't want my daughter to have an unsecured future with this man," he said.
"Unsecured future?" I repeated.
"Yes. Unsecured future. He is an actor. I know at your age you think you love him, but it's not love. It's only attraction toward your C-drama actor, nothing more than that."
Then he placed both of his hands on my shoulders as if trying to make me understand.
"You are my sweet and simple daughter. You are too innocent for his world, Xiao Shiza. I'm afraid… I'm really afraid that if you both stay together, then one day he might take advantage of your innocence."
For a moment I just stared at him.
Then I slowly removed his hands from my shoulders.
"Pa… you have already made enough decisions in my life. I can't let you ruin my life anymore."
He froze.
"What are you saying, Xiao Shiza?" he asked in disbelief. "What happened to you? Did that older man—that man who is seven years older than you—brainwash you? Because this is not my daughter speaking. This is Xu Yuan's girlfriend standing in front of me, definitely not my Xiao Shiza."
He pointed toward me angrily.
"Look what he made you. He changed you."
"No," I said immediately while shaking my head.
"He didn't change me. He accepted me the way I am."
I looked straight into his eyes.
"The person who changed is you, Pa. Not him."
My voice rose for the first time.
"You said you loved me, right? Is this what you call love?"
Tears filled my eyes again.
"Because I don't think this is love. Your love is selfish, Pa… selfish."
I held his hands tightly.
"You think you love me the most, and maybe you really do. But your love is so selfish that you even took away my right to know the truth about my own mother."
My tears fell one after another.
"Don't you think that's unfair for me as a daughter? Why did you do that, Pa? Why?"
My voice shook badly.
"You even created distance between me and Xin Xin. She was always like Ma to me after Ma. You took away that relationship too."
I looked at him with eyes full of pain.
"You ruined everything, Pa. Everything."
He looked away.
Then suddenly he raised his voice loudly.
"I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING EXCEPT THAT YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER!"
The sudden scream made me fall silent.
"I won't let you do anything that's wrong for you. I can't let you ruin your life for that celebrity man."
Then I looked at him and said slowly,
"Our love is beyond age. Beyond differences. Beyond distance."
My voice was soft now.
"You can't judge our love on these things."
I smiled painfully.
"You can never understand our love, Pa. Because if you really understood love, then you would understand my love for Ma too."
He lowered his head.
"I know I made a mistake hiding the truth about your mother. I know I'm guilty."
His voice broke.
"I know I made you believe all these years that your Ma was punishing you when I knew very well that a mother can never stay angry at her child for that long."
Then he looked at me.
"But that doesn't mean I'll allow you to stay with that man."
"I won't."
"And I'm your Pa. I made this decision for you."
"And I'm your daughter," I replied immediately.
"And I don't accept this decision."
Tears rolled down my face.
"I love him, Pa. You can't talk about our love as if it's some shameful thing."
"It IS shameful!" he shouted.
"Zhao Shiza, I have never raised my voice on you before. Whatever you wanted, I gave you. Even at midnight I would go buy your favorite ice cream."
His eyes turned red.
"But now you are not a child anymore. I can't fulfill every stubborn and silly wish of yours."
My heart shattered.
"You are calling my love a stubborn wish?"
I looked at him in disbelief.
"How could you, Pa?"
Then suddenly—
"ZHAO SHIZA!"
His voice echoed throughout the house.
For the first time in my life, Pa had shouted at me like that.
I closed my eyes for a moment.
Then I took a deep breath.
"Pa... at this moment neither of us can understand each other."
I picked up my suitcase.
"We both need time. We'll talk later."
I turned around and started walking.
But then he stopped me again.
"Zhao Shiza, don't go anywhere."
"I can't stay, Pa," I said softly.
"Especially after learning today's truth."
My voice was trembling.
"I feel betrayed."
I grabbed my suitcase and started moving again.
"You're going to stay here only!" he shouted.
Then he asked loudly—
"Where are you going? To your celebrity boyfriend?"
I stopped.
"Listen, Zhao Shiza. No matter how angry you get at me, I won't let you stay with that man and bring shame to our family."
I didn't turn around.
Instead, I smiled bitterly.
"Indeed... my love is shame for you."
"Because it is," he replied.
"And I can't let my daughter lose herself in that shame."
I closed my eyes.
"If you call it shame, then okay Pa."
I smiled through tears.
"I'll choose to be shameful."
I slowly turned my face slightly toward him.
"Because that is still better than choosing to love the way you do."
My voice broke.
"I really hope no father ever loves their daughter the way you loved me."
His eyes widened.
"Because your love is selfish."
I looked at him one last time.
"And do you know the second name of love?"
I paused.
"The second name of love is selfless."
"And Yuan and I loved each other selflessly."
After saying those final words, I walked out of the house without turning back.
The door closed behind me.
And with that sound, it felt like my home had closed behind me too.
I walked aimlessly through the roads without knowing where I was even going.
Because today my only home had been taken away from me.
Where should I go now?
Back to Shanghai?
But I had already taken a week's leave.
If I returned too early, everyone would start asking questions.
And Yuan...
I didn't want him to worry.
Then suddenly I remembered—
Yuan had called me when Pa was telling me the truth.
Because of poor network connection I wasn't able to talk to him.
I quickly sat on a nearby bench and took my phone out from my bag.
Then I called him.
He picked it up within a single ring.
"Hello, silly girl! Where are you?"
His worried voice immediately entered my ears.
"Why didn't you call me? Do you know how scared I was? I couldn't reach you because of poor connections. Are you alright?"
Then I opened my mouth slowly and said—
"Yuan..."