She had her family, And for a long time the thought of that fact had been enough to study her. Vacation slipped past in the familiar rhythm of chores and quiet evenings, sunburned afternoons, late night movies, the small steady noise of a household that somehow held together because it had to. When the semester began again, she felt both irritated and strangely excited. Irritated because the alarms would return,the bus,the performance of being small and polite, and excited because she would finally see Thea again. That thought, Thea's goofy smile, the small private language of their jokes, had kept her going through the long listless days.
She dragged herself to the first day of the semester, with the same slow resignation she always had. Her chest shuttered with something like hope as she shuffled into the classroom scanning faces. Thea's seat was empty "what the fuck..nope let's get our hopes fucking up she will show up I just know her too well" Lila thought. The other students seemed unchanged, laughing in groups, sliding into the same rythms as before, their lives continuing. Throughout the entire first period, she kept on straining her neck watching, waiting for her to show up but she did not . With a defeated sigh she solemnly sat down the entire day waiting for time to pass by.
Becoming a senior meant something to others but to her it meant nothing. It only increased the workload, the fun part was,high school would be over and she can live her life like a sloth for sometime before she hop in books again. Completing high school wasn't an easy feet, the exams, the choices, expectations from teachers, pressure from her parents, A sense that every decision might change her future. "Why can't we swear individually that we understood our course and can further it in the University, I Lila Gentry swear that I understood my course...see how hard is that" she mumbled to herself. She read some books to help past time,and sooner than later the day ended.
She wished the day would come to it's end, and it did..but she dreaded the thought of going home. The once calm and peaceful atmosphere was now in chaos, every family had their ups and downs,but the downs in her's is too much, sometimes it was peaceful. Arguments, which once had been rare and sharp, now came more often. As she walked down on the streets greeting people on the way, her house finally came into view. It wasn't as welcoming as it once was,but it was still the only one she had and could call home. Walking through the door she entered the house and saw her dad's shoe on the small porch that connected her room to theirs. "Bummer.... tonight is definitely gonna be awful now wouldn't it...." She thought. She slipped into her daily routine cooking,and then bathing after having dinner. After putting on her night wear,she took the dairy from its hideout and placed it on her desk, she grabbed her pen and started to write
"Dear dairy.
11th April
Damn girl I don't remember the last time I wrote in ya..... anyways today was awful could you believe that Thea didn't come to school today ..??!!!!! The nerve..I know right....Goddddd why can't you talllkkkkkk!!!!
I know you are a dairy tho..she didn't show up today oh and..."
The scratching of her pen was interrupted by the sudden rise of voices from the other room. "Well that was quick" she thought with an already tear stained eyes. "Have they no shame? I'm right next fucking door" , she muttered. Their voices grew louder, so vivid it felt as if they were standing beside her. "Why the fuck don't you want me to have any friends if you won't stop talking to her?!" Julia roared, "because you're a fucking whore!" her father spat back without hesitation. They kept on, shuttering the silence, her hands trembled but she forced herself to keep writing even as her tears smudged the ink.
Well it is what it is ..... apparently dairy what dad is trying to say is he can fuck anyone that he wants to but mom can't....Good fuck it I can't write anymore byyyyyyyeeee!!!! Gyattt!!!!! Kantabloooshylabayaaa!!!!!!!!!!"
She grabbed her phone and shoved her airpods into her ears, she chose slow music but her phone wasn't supportive. After drowning in summer sadness by Lana del Rey, the next music on queue was lmma be by black eyed peas. Feeling too lazy to even change the music she let it play, eventually she started gyrating as she made her body sway with the rhythm, losing herself in the beat . But soon, the track ended and the next song on queue was a heartbreaking piece, with a sigh ,she laid on her bed , surrending to the sound. The music pulled her into a world in her mind, one of her own creation. She spun a scene where her husband, not Iser her current crush as in her mind he was too perfect and handsome to be with someone like her so she decided to keep her little crush to herself , she created him on her own,as perfect as she wanted him to be, he betrayed her, she made herself feel the heartbreak of his infidelity, the pain of being forced apart. And though it was nothing more than a fiction she had conjured in her mind, tears welled up in her eyes .
She cried as if a husband had truly abandoned her. As if her heart had truly been left in ruins. Song after song guided her splendid creativity, each scene depending on the lyrics of the song, slowly escaping from reality till she fell asleep.
Her alarm shot through her ears making her swing her eyes open. With an annoyed expression on her face, she checked the time on her phone "well since it's Friday skipping school won't affect me that much " she thought and went back to sleep.
Some days she went to school and sat through lessons,answered questions here and there, scribbled notes that later made little sense. Other days, she would not go at all, it was easier sometimes to hide from the world than show up and pretend. Whe she skips school she read until her vision blurred or she cleaned,or she laid down and let time pass until it was nearly evening.
The end of the first semester came in a rush, she felt indifferent because this wasn't the ending she was expecting when it began. When she saw her grades, shame came first, hot and bright. For the first time she had D's .
She thought they wouldn't care,but they wanted something to blame each other for and she provided it. They fought again that night , blaming each other for her failure. " Yes it's their fault, but it's not worth fighting over for" . That night she slept, her heart heavier than ever