"You can't touch me! I was handcrafted to kill you! My speed, my stamina, my power all rival..." Luke vaunted, stepping forward with absolute confidence. "...nay, dwarf yours! In comparison to you, I am a demigod!"
Alucard stared back, his expression entirely deadpan. "Really? ...Really? Really."
"Really!?" Luke snapped, his annoyance ticking upward.
"Really!" Alucard reiterated.
"REALLY?!" Luke bellowed.
"REALLY!" Alucard roared back. Then, his demeanor shifted to something cold and lethal. "Release maniac."
"Maniac what?" Luke asked.
Before he could even process the words, a flash of scarlet light cut through the dim room. Flandre suddenly materialized in mid-air, a chaotic grin plastered across her face. With a flick of her wrist, she unleashed a dense wave of glowing *danmaku* constructs. One of the stray projectiles clipped Luke cleanly, utterly severing his left leg.
An ominous, terrifying crescendo of music seemed to echo from the very shadows of the room.
"Agh! Agh! Fuck!" Luke screamed, clutching his stump before desperately trying to scramble away.
Alucard casually watched him crawl. "You know, they say that TV makes you violent. But I'd say not having my TV IS MAKING HER PRETTY FUCKING VIOLENT!"
Remilia appeared right beside him out of thin air, crossing her arms. "Language," she chided.
They both turned their heads to watch Flandre, who was already gleefully tearing the poor man to pieces.
"Oh God, no—!!" Luke's final screams echoed through the halls, a horrific soundtrack of a man being torn to shreds.
Alucard looked directly at an imaginary camera, flashing a manic grin. "Hey, we're here on *Epic Meal Time*!"
In the background, the gruesome sounds of Luke's demise continued unabated.
Meanwhile, inside the secure briefing room, the monitors displayed the unfolding chaos.
"Who... is that exactly?" Sir Penwood asked, sweating profusely as he pointed at the screen.
"Oh, that's Alucard, the one we talked about earlier," Integra replied smoothly, exhaling a plume of cigar smoke. "This is what happens when he has to entertain himself. Oh, so what was that issue about funding?"
Penwood blinked. "Issue?"
"What issue?" Sir Islands added, leaning forward.
"I don't see an issue," Penwood quickly corrected himself.
"Shut up and take our money!" another old man shouted from the end of the table, throwing his hands up.
On the communicator, Alucard's voice chimed in. "Ah, and just like that, everything turned out alright in the end."
"Yes, everything turned out just fine..." Integra countered, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "...except that ninety percent of our staff were killed, turned into ghouls, then killed again by the police girl in a blood rage."
Seras lifted her head, looking completely dazed. "What's a blood rage? And why don't I remember anything?"
"That reminds me," Alucard said, ignoring her completely. "For whatever reason, did we ever find out who sent them? ...It was the Nazis, wasn't it?"
"No," Integra said flatly.
"Bet you I'm right."
"Bet you you're wrong."
"Bet you you're a *skank*."
"Bet you you're an *asshole*!" Integra slammed her hand on the table.
"BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!!" Alucard screamed back through the comms.
Time skip...
High above the clouds, a massive, imposing military blimp cut through the night sky. Inside the command deck, a stout man in a pristine white uniform smiled warmly.
"Operation Bait Van Winkle is a resounding success!" the Major announced, his voice echoing over the intercoms. "Alucard is now EXACTLY vhere ve need him to be so we can move forward viss our little... surprise."
He turned to face the ranks of augmented soldiers standing at attention.
"However, before ve begin our next phase, I vould like to take some time to address a rumor floating around ze fleet... Some of you have come to believe zat I... like... var. I vish to dash zese rumors!"
The Major slammed his fist down. "I do not LIKE var... I. LOVE. VAR!"
He began to pace the floor, his eyes gleaming with a manic fervor.
"Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of war... You get up in ze morning, you get into your shitty car, und you see a rich CEO, who works half as hard as you do, drive down ze street in his Porsche."
He paused, grinning wildly. "Class war!"
"You make it to vork, und you find out zat ze annual drug test is today, und you JUST so happened to take a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights ago before dinner with your wife's AWFUL parents!"
"Drug war!"
"But zen... you find out zat ze only ones being called in for testing are your black und Hispanic co-vorkers."
"Race war!"
"Zen you try und post about it on your Facebook, but zen all your friends start arguing about vat's right und vat's wrong!"
"Flame war!"
"You finally get home, und you decide to relax by watching a program about: *'Who gets ze box?' 'What's in ze box?' 'How much is vat's in ze box vorth?'*"
The Major burst out laughing. "Storage Wars!"
He took a deep breath, chuckling softly to himself as the grand orchestration of *"Mars, the Bringer of War"* by Gustav Holst began to softly play over the loudspeakers.
"Vat I am telling you, my Nazi army of one thousand vampires, is that I am a purveyor of war. And wis your help over ze years, ve are now at the precipice of our true goal. You see, I vant a simple var... No class wars. No drug wars. No race wars. No flame wars. Und CERTAINLY, no COLD WARS!"
His expression darkened into pure, unadulterated malice.
"Blueballed for forty years... Vat I vant is a var zat only ve can bring. A true... var! A GERMAN... var! The sequel you've all been vaiting for...! I! WANT! WORLD! WAR! THREEEE!!!"
The deck erupted into an instantaneous, deafening roar.
"SIEG HEIL!" the Nazis cheered in unison.
"SIEG HEIL!"
"SIEG HEIL!"
The chant repeated over and over, echoing through the sky—four, five, six, seven, eight, nine times—a chorus of monsters ready to descend upon the world.
Cut down to the ocean below, where Alucard sat aboard an aircraft carrier, listening to the broadcast. A terrifying, low chuckle built up in his throat.
"Hu-hu-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he! He-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!"
He threw his head back, his laughter echoing across the empty deck, bordering on demonic joy.
"AHH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAA...!!"
Wiping a tear from his eye, Alucard grinned into the dark sea. "I better not miss a damn thing..."
Meanwhile, on the bustling streets of London, two ordinary pedestrians looked up at the sky.
"Hey mate... What's the last thing you ever thought you'd see in the night sky?"
"Oh, that's... that's a deep question, man, I—"
"No, no, 'cause it's blimps."
Suddenly, the cheerful, marching tune of *"Das Engellandlied"* by Herms Niel blasted from massive loudspeakers mounted on the underbellies of the descending airships.
The Major's voice boomed over London. "Gentlemen! Ve have made it!"
The Nazi soldiers inside the lead ship cheered uproariously. "Alright! Achtung! Achtung!"
"Woo-wooooo!" a young grunt named Hans cheered, jumping up and down.
The Major glared over his shoulder. "Hans, Hans, bring it down a notch."
"Woooo..." Hans muttered, instantly deflating.
"Now..." The Major turned back to his high command. "Herr Doctor... Major... Captain... Major... First Lieutenant... und, our fabulous mascot! Please, lead us off!"
"Of course," the Doktor said, stepping up to a podium. "Everyone, thank you for coming to the mandatory pre-war seminar. Please open your World War III pamphlets to page three, as the first two pages merely contain a foreword from Nicolas Cage. Ve have an exciting itinerary of ze evening's events. Tonight... ve annihilate LONDON!"
"Uh, ALL of London?" a Nazi grunt raised his hand.
"ALL of London! Buckingham Palace? Laid to vaste. Big Ben? Toppled to ze GROUND!" the Major interjected, taking over the microphone.
"Ze House of Parliament?"
"Eradicated," the Major grinned.
"Ze Tower of London?"
"OBLITERATED."
"Ze Holocaust Museum?"
The Major paused, his face turning serious. "Leave zat be. No one vill deny vat ve did."
He let out a series of squirrel-like giggles before continuing. "Vat about London Bridge? Ja, ja, *'London Bridge is falling down'*, ve all know ze song. Look, you be ze first to burn it down, you can go ahead and sing it. I don't care. Of course, speaking of music, ze accompaniment tonight has been selected via survey! Und I hope you're as excited as I aaam~!"
He raised a chalice. "Ze song tonight is most appropriate for... ironic reasons. Ze best reasons! But first... a toast... to ze answer of an age... old... question..."
A dramatic drum roll echoed out.
"War, huh, yeah!"
With a deafening roar, multiple V1 and V2 rockets launched from the airships, tearing through the night sky and tearing into the historic buildings of London, instantly vaporizing structures and plunging the city into a fiery hell.
Inside the Hellsing command center, Integra was pacing furiously, clutching her phone.
"What do you mean, 'he's stuck on the boat'?! I mean, he's stuck on the bloody boat! I need you idiots to send a helicopter after him and retrieve him!"
"Can't he fly with his vampire powers?" the voice on the other end asked.
Integra's jaw dropped. "Wha—? ...No— NO, he can't 'fly with his vampire powers'!"
Penwood chimed in from across the room. "Then how did he get there?!"
"On the Blackbird we appropriated!" Integra shouted.
"You... STOLE the Blackbird?!"
"WOULD YOU JUST SEND THE HELICOPTER?!"
"WE CAN'T!" Penwood cried out. "OUR COMMUNICATIONS ARE DOWN!"
Integra froze. "What?? They... have been down for the last two hours." She stared at the blank consoles. "So you're telling me that... as of this moment... we have no access to Alucard. Communications with our forces and the outside world are down. And the enemy could very well be KNOCKING AT OUR DOOR?!"
"Or!" a smug voice interrupted from the doorway. "Perhaps the enemy was sitting beside you on the round table the whole time! Oh, Reggie, this is adorable."
Integra spun around to see a prominent lord standing there, flanked by multiple rogue soldiers who instantly leveled their automatic weapons at her.
"SIR! Reginald! Is my name," the man hissed, stepping forward. "I have spent the last five years of my life cleaning up after YOUR pet vampire! And now? It is time Sir Reginald is paid what he deserves."
Integra let out a low, amused chuckle.
Sir Reginald growled. "Get what?"
Taking a deep breath, Integra smiled, a cold, dangerous glint in her eyes. "How Alucard FEELS! Just a little bit, anyway. But I must say, Sir—"
"Reginald!" he snarled.
"—it is QUITE impressive that despite how hilariously amateur this little 'coup' of yours is, you're still managing to hold that gun."
"Gurh...!" Reginald grunted, his confidence faltering.
Suddenly, thin, glinting monofilament wires flashed through the air with a musical hum. In a split second, the rogue soldiers were cleanly sliced into pieces, dropping to the floor in a bloody heap.
"Who wants Daddy's belt?" Walter asked casually, pulling his deadly wires taut as he stepped out from the shadows.
Before the shock could even settle, the main alarms in the room began to wail with a deafening roar.
"Communications are back up! Everything is on fire! London Bridge is falling down! Falling down?! Falling down!" a technician screamed in pure panic. "London Bridge is falling down...! My fair lady!"
"What should we do?!" another staff member panicked. "We have to evacuate immediately!"
Integra turned to the trembling old man. "Sir Penwood, you could ride with me. The rest of you, carpool."
Penwood stood up, drawing himself to his full, albeit shaky, height. "No. I'm not going anywhere. I know I'm... not much of a man. I've had a silver spoon in my mouth since the day I was born. This position... it's not suited for a meek gentleman like myself. But I'll be damned, I say, if I tuck my tail in between my legs at the first sign of peril! I THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, MISS INTEGRA! BUT I—!"
Integra calmly slid a handgun across the table toward him. "Here's a gun; there are twelve holy bullets. Save one for yourself. Walter?"
"Yes, Sir Integra?" the butler replied, bowing smoothly.
"Ready the car. We've got a war to win."
Meanwhile, on a balcony overlooking the burning cityscape, Sakuya stood alongside Flandre and Remilia.
"Sister, can I do it now?" Flandre asked Remilia happily, hopping from foot to foot as her colorful, crystal wings shimmered.
"Yes, of course," Remilia said, a dark smirk playing on her lips as she casually sipped her tea.
"Yes!!" Flandre let out a joyful cheer before taking off into the sky, flying so fast she left a sonic boom in her wake.
Sakuya stepped forward, tilting the porcelain kettle. "Is that a good idea?" she asked while refilling Remilia's tea.
Remilia took a delicate sip, watching the explosions in the distance. "Like nothing worse could happen, right?"
Down in the ruined streets, Integra found herself completely cut off, surrounded on all sides by a horde of ravenous Millennium vampire soldiers. Just as the monsters closed in, a massive bayonet embedded itself into the pavement right in front of them.
Father Alexander Anderson stepped out from the smoke, flanked by a massive contingent of heavily armed, cloaked paladins.
"Who are we?" Anderson bellowed, his voice echoing over the crackle of the flames.
"The necessary evil!" the soldiers roared back in unison.
"Why are we necessary?"
"To purge the world of evil worse than man!"
"And why are we God's chosen few ordained to undertake this unholy task?" Anderson asked, a mad, zealous grin spreading across his face as he drew two massive blessed blades.
"Because no one else will!"
Anderson readied his stance, his eyes locked onto the Nazi vampires. "And because it's fucking fun, amen!"
With a roar of righteous fury, he and his men charged headlong into the fray.