"So I have heard you need assistance," I said, materializing out of thin air with walter and seras.
Sir Integra turned, her sharp eyes narrowing through the smoke of her cigar. "Good to see you, Walter. And Sakuya."
"Of course, sir," Walter replied, his voice a smooth, comforting balm amidst the chaos.
Integra wasted no time on pleasantries. She leaned over the briefing table, tapping a map of the estate. "The first two floors have been entirely overrun. Communications with the outside have been cut off, we lost all our men, and Alucard is being..."
"Alucard?" I prompted, raising an eyebrow.
Integra's composure cracked for a fraction of a second, her jaw tightening. "A total ass, yes. Now tell me, do you have any plans?"
Walter smiled, a terrifyingly polite expression that didn't reach his eyes. "Of course, sir. I shall do exactly as the butler does..."
I stepped up beside him, adjusting my headpiece with perfect grace. "I shall do exactly as the butler does... and tidy up." I looked toward the heavy doors leading down to the overrun corridors. "Don't worry, with a maid and a butler, this will be quick."
Before anyone could answer, my eyes flashed a deep, predatory red.
Down the hall, Jan Valentine was having the time of his life, strutting through the blood-spattered corridors while his ghoul army marched behind him. He blasted his music, shouting along to the lyrics at the top of his lungs.
"I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck, I don't give a shit! I don't give a fuck! Now if I give a shit, I might just give a fuck ♪♪ But I don't give a shit, so I don't give a--! ...Fuck was that??"
The song cut short as a silver flash tore through the air. A barrage of heavy silver knives whizzed right past his ears, embedding themselves with sickening thwips into the skulls of the ghouls behind him. They dropped like flies.
Out of the gloom, two figures stepped forward into the dim light of the hallway.
"Hello. My name is Walter C. Dornez. Ex-vampire hunter and butler to the Hellsing Organization," Walter announced, mono-molecular wires hummed with lethal tension around his fingertips.
"And I am Sakuya Izayoi, ex-vampire hunter and maid of the Scarlet Devil Mansion," I added, a fresh set of knives sliding effortlessly into my hands.
In unison, we spoke together: "And we answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash... and I also kill self-entitled little twats like yourself."
Jan stared at us for a second before bursting into a loud, mocking laugh. "Well, ain't you just the textbook fuckin' definition of classy! But guess what, Jeeves, that garrote wire and knifes won't do shit for dick against armor this thick!"
At his command, a wall of ghouls rushed forward, locking heavy riot shields together into an impenetrable barrier.
Jan smirked, knocking on one of the shields. "What's that, Alfred? 'How thick is it?' Well, half as thick as mah dick! So thick enough that you need a fuckin' anti-tank rifle to pierce it, and I don't even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass and beautiful ass." He said looking at me.
Walter didn't even blink at the crass remark. He simply tilted his head toward the shadows behind us. "Police Girl, if you may."
Seras Victoria stepped out from the darkness, a massive, oversized anti-tank rifle resting effortlessly on her shoulder. Her eyes glowed with a feral, vampiric hunger.
"Bitches love cannons!" she cheered.
I couldn't help but nod in approval. "I say it is true."
Jan's eyes dilated to the size of saucers as he stared down the barrel of the monstrous firearm. "Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle... OH FUCK, THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!"
--
Meanwhile, down in the deep, concrete depths of the Hellsing basement...
*Jake laughing*
BOOM!
A catastrophic explosion rocked the private chambers of the No-Life King. When the smoke cleared, Alucard stared at the smoking, melted ruin on his wall.
A sharp, agonizing inhale echoed through the room. "That was a 70-inch... plasma screen TV."
Luke Valentine, standing at the entrance with his sleek suits and arrogant demeanor, adjusted his glasses. "So, how can I help you?"
"You must be the great Alucard," Luke smirked, expecting a terrifying confrontation.
Alucard lounged back in his chair, completely unbothered. "'Suup."
"I've heard quite a lot about you," Luke continued, trying to maintain his sophisticated composure.
"Oh really? What about her?" Alucard asked, casually pointing a gloved finger to the corner of the room.
"Who?" Luke turned his head, his brow furrowing as he noticed a small, blonde girl in a frilly dress floating cross-legged in the shadows.
Flandre Scarlet grinned, her multi-colored, crystal-like wings glittering in the dark. "Hehehe... a new toy. Let's kill him."
Alucard completely ignored Luke's confusion, his voice dripping with pure, unadulterated venom as he ranted to nobody in particular. "It's just that I'm so agitated, because this blonde little shit: Strolled into my room. Strolled into my room. Destroyed my 70-inch plasma TV. Strolled into my room. Destroyed my 70-inch plasma TV. And is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father!"
With a terrifying, synchronized *click*, Alucard drew his massive twin handguns, the Jackal and the Casull.
"Be a sport and grab Daddy another beer, would you?"
Back upstairs with Walter, Sakuya, and Seras...
--
"Arm bars everywhere!" Seras yelled.
" Ah, let go of me, stupid bitch!" Jan screamed, his face planted firmly into the marble floor as Seras locked his arm behind his back with supernatural force.
Walter watched the display with an approving nod. "That's quite impressive. Where did you learn that hold?"
Seras rolled her eyes, maintaining the pressure. "Oh wow, it's almost like I'm a police girl or something!"
"Sarcasm is unbecoming of you," Walter scolded gently.
Jan, pinned and defeated, tried to laugh it off. "Wow. Gee willikers, mister. I sure am sorry for slaughterin' all your guards and tearin' up your mansion. I promise I've learned my les-- AH! Fuck! Take a joke, asshole!"
The heavy thud of boots echoed down the hall as Integra walked up, her face a mask of cold fury. "And everything you say just pisses me off! Now you're going to tell me everything I want to know."
Jan spat blood onto the floor, a manic grin stretching across his face. "Alright, alright. What you do... is: You go down to the local pharmacy. You go down to the local pharmacy. Ask for something called 'Viagra'... And it'll help ya... You go down to the local pharmacy. Ask for something called 'Viagra'. And it'll help ya GO FUCK YOURSELF!"
Jan thrashed against the floor, and Seras was forced to let him go. He glared up at the ceiling. "And now for the upcoming company picnic. Unfortunately, all your douche bag coworkers are bringin' is their own rotten flesh. Still better than potato salad if you ask me. Now ifin you don't mind, I'ma go eat that Hellsing bitch!"
He made a sudden, desperate lunge.
"I've got your arm!"
"So shove it up your ass! Aha ha ha ha ha!"
Guns cocking.
Jan froze. He looked up to find himself staring down the barrels of Integra's handguns, alongside my own freshly drawn daggers hovering inches from his eyes.
" ...Well that's not fair at all," Jan muttered.
"I'm sorry. We don't give a fuck."
BANG! BANG! BANG!
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Jan shrieked, groveling and writhing in agony as silver bullets tore through his limbs. "Motherfuckin' cunt with a fuckin' titty! Fuck! Ahg, where the fuck did my ghouls go??"
I stepped over the pile of ash that used to be his front line, wiping a spot of dust off my apron. "Oh, they've been dealt with."
Integra stepped on his wounded shoulder, pressing down hard. "All right, *shit-for-brains*, you're going to spill every single thing you know or I'm going to have Walter here peel your dick *like a banana*!"
Jan let out a weak, raspy giggle. "I don't know what's fuckin' funnier: The fact that you think your titless ass intimidates me, or that you think my boss would let me live if ya did."
Suddenly, blue, ethereal flames erupted from Jan's skin, burning from the inside out.
"AND NOW I'M ON FUCKIN' FIRE! SO NOW IT'S FREE GAME! The one who sent me... WAS...!"
"...Naaziiiss...!" Jan roared before disintegrating into a pile of ash.
Silence fell over the hallway.
Integra blinked, looking around at us. "...I heard George Lucas. Who else heard George Lucas?"
Walter stroked his chin thoughtfully. "I heard Miami Heat."
Seras raised her hand enthusiastically. "I heard the Mötley Crüe with my vampire hearing!"
"I heard dio." I said.
Integra sighed, rubbing her temples as she re-holstered her weapon. "Wait a second... where's the big brother?"