Chapter 321: The IRS Returns! The Excited Texas Girl!
"I saw it, that red rose is gorgeous~"
Little Howard immediately grinned and winked suggestively.
"Shut up!"
Ross yelled at Little Howard.
"Okay, okay."
Little Howard raised his hands in mock surrender, but his expression clearly showed he had no intention of stopping. His eyes kept darting toward Ross's backside.
Ross angrily reached out and grabbed Little Howard by the neck.
"Help, help!"
Little Howard wasn't afraid at all, continuing to tease his older cousin with his characteristic sleazy expression and tone.
"Wait..."
Ross was the first to notice something odd, looking at Little Howard with suspicion. "You're burning up."
"Ew!"
Rachel and the others immediately made sounds of disgust.
"Looks like this red rose has finally bloomed."
Chandler's teasing immediately followed.
"What are you guys thinking?!"
Ross was stunned for a moment before realizing his friends were mocking him for being gay again, and immediately exploded in anger. "I'm serious! Howard has a fever!"
"Really?"
While the others continued to look at Ross skeptically, Little Howard immediately touched his forehead, then slapped Ross's hand away, felt his neck, and exclaimed with gleaming eyes, "I have a fever, and my neck's swollen! Yes!!!"
"Why would you be excited about a fever and a swollen neck?"
Ross looked at his younger cousin in disbelief.
His friends, however, were giving Ross strange looks.
"Don't you know what this means?"
Little Howard touched his face and neck, and in his excitement, began mocking his older cousin.
"Yeah, you've only ever had crushes before. Your greatest achievement in school was getting yelled at by the old librarian. You have no idea what's cool with young people these days. I've got 'mono'—you know, the kissing disease. Ever heard of it?"
"The kissing disease?"
Ross retorted. "What's so great about getting sick?!"
"That depends on what kind of disease it is!"
As Howard Jr. spoke, he pulled out his phone and started taking selfies.
"You can leave now."
Monica grabbed disinfectant spray and started spraying everything down.
The others also kept their distance from Howard Jr.
This trendy "kissing disease"—mononucleosis—is contagious. Although, as the name suggests, it's mainly transmitted through kissing, they couldn't rule out droplet transmission.
"This is proof you're popular at school!"
Little Howard looked at Ross smugly. "After all, nobody kisses you, so you'd never get it..."
Just as he was smugly continuing his rambling explanation, refusing to leave, Monica dialed a number, said a few words, and put it on speakerphone. Immediately, Mrs. Wolowitz's booming voice blasted from the other end: "My little darling, do you have a fever?"
"No..."
Little Howard's smile froze, and he quickly denied it, then frantically gestured for everyone to be quiet.
But just then, he couldn't help but sneeze loudly.
"Get back!"
Monica had already pulled Rachel and the others away the moment he started to sneeze.
But their retreat didn't prevent Mrs. Wolowitz's voice from reaching Little Howard's ears, even from across the room.
"You have a fever AND you're sneezing?! I knew it!!! I should never have let Leonard move in!
He has that disgusting disease, and his own family wouldn't even let him stay—they kicked him out!
Not only did you invite him over, but you were SO enthusiastic about letting him stay in your room!
Oh God, what a nightmare!
I even shared a bathroom with you~"
Facing the strange looks from everyone, Howard Jr. completely panicked and immediately yelled back, "This has nothing to do with Leonard!!!"
"Don't defend him!!!"
Mrs. Wolowitz yelled back even louder. "He got that disease, and then you got it too—you think I don't know what's going on?!
I've known for a long time that your relationship isn't normal!
If I'd known, I never would have listened to you and moved the family from Pasadena!
Look how much you've changed in such a short time—so many weird things have happened! Waaaaah..."
"..."
Howard's face darkened, but seeing his mother crying in public—even knowing she was hamming it up—he could only soften slightly and explain in a lower voice, "Leonard is my only friend."
"I know, your only boyfriend!"
Mrs. Wolowitz became increasingly upset. "You don't even have a girlfriend! It's all Ross's fault! Look what you've learned from him! And probably Chandler too!"
"I knew I'd catch a stray bullet."
Chandler shrugged self-deprecatingly.
"It's not what you think..."
Howard was helpless.
"You know what I'm thinking?!"
Mrs. Wolowitz roared. "So you DID think about it?! God, I had one last shred of hope just now, and now it's completely gone!
Why is my life so miserable?
Your father left me for whatever reason!
Now you're leaving me too—and in THIS way..."
"When did I ever say I was leaving you?!"
Howard's temper flared up too.
"You're already like this—you're bound to become more and more unconventional! Tell me, what extremely unconventional person gets along well with their mother?!"
Mrs. Wolowitz yelled. "You're practically asking to come out of the closet!"
"I AM NOT!!!"
Little Howard couldn't hold back any longer and yelled back. "I just wanted to look cool, to make everyone at school think I have girls interested in me... that's why I mooched off Leonard's leftovers! It wasn't what you're thinking!"
"I KNEW the food missing that day wasn't eaten by the cat!"
Mrs. Wolowitz latched onto Howard's previous lie, her tone even more certain.
"Get over here right now! I'm taking you home and sending Leonard back to his house! He HAS his own home! He's not welcome in mine—at least not until you're eighteen, and I have every right to say so!"
Howard could only shuffle away dejectedly.
"What just happened?"
Rachel and the others found it hilarious.
"Because Leonard is Chuck's friend, he stopped getting bullied at school and sometimes even helped other kids who were being picked on, so he gathered a bunch of classmates with similar personalities around him."
Monica continued disinfecting the entire room as she explained what she knew. "These classmates aren't all guys—there are girls too, and some of them like Leonard, and then... well, you know. Anyway, Leonard got mono.
He's got Sheldon at home, and even though the infection risk is low as long as you keep your distance, it's Sheldon—so there's no way he can stay home anymore.
And his mother is Beverly, so when Sheldon made this unreasonable demand, she immediately sided with Sheldon and was going to rent Leonard an apartment and kick him out."
"That's awful."
Rachel and the others felt bad for Leonard.
They'd always been confused about who Beverly's real son was—Leonard or Sheldon.
"Yeah."
Monica nodded. "When Howard found out, he immediately offered to let Leonard stay at his place. At first, I thought it was because Leonard was his only real friend, but now it seems he did it to look cool at school."
"Using such a roundabout method to tell people is totally in character for his 'genius' persona, but he forgot there's another interpretation."
Chandler joked. "Too clever by half. Now his mom's going to break them up like they're star-crossed lovers."
"..."
Watching his friends laughing and gossiping about Howard's mono situation, completely forgetting about him, Ross listened for a long time as his agitated heart calmed down, growing colder and colder.
His $2.04 billion, his traumatic experience—were actually less important than Howard and his friends' ridiculous kissing disease drama.
What was wrong with this world?
"Where's Chuck?"
Just as he was spiraling into despair for who knows how long, a question snapped him back. Rachel casually asked—a question he'd been asking multiple times every day, a question Monica had already put him on blast for.
"He left New York on business."
"He left again?"
Ross couldn't help but exclaim. "Where did he go?"
"I don't know."
Monica rolled her eyes at him, annoyed.
She actually knew, but she didn't want to tell Ross—afraid he'd pester her endlessly and drive her crazy.
Peace Town
"What am I going to do with you!"
Secretary Helen looked at her niece Jane standing in the doorway, staring blankly at the town, feeling both sympathetic and helpless.
"You flew back from Las Vegas, and now you're heading back again. Sure, it's right next to New York—seems close—but it's still far without him needing an assistant. Look how long it's been! I'll ask you one question: how big is the difference?"
"..."
Jane was speechless at the double meaning.
The difference was more than just big... it was enormous.
She'd always suspected that one reason Chuck settled in Peace Town was because there were wild women here, but now she was absolutely certain Chuck had a type—and that type was wild.
Although she was quite capable, compared to his current assistant Lisa, the Texas girl, she was just... ordinary.
"Alright, I need to get back to work."
Jane didn't want to listen to her aunt's nagging anymore, so she shook her head, suppressed her negative emotions, said goodbye, got into her car, and drove off.
Her aunt Helen watched her drive away with a sigh.
In the past, in Peace Town, there were women whose figures far surpassed her niece's—like Mrs. Beth Berland and Mrs. Gloria Pritchett—and women whose looks exceeded her niece's. But overall, her niece was still the total package.
She had better looks than Mrs. Beth Berland and Mrs. Gloria Pritchett, and a better figure than Mrs. Mia Balan.
But now, this new assistant—Lisa, the Texas girl—was simply the perfect combination of beauty and body.
Especially when she looked at Chuck with those gorgeous blue eyes full of adoration... such a beauty would make any woman jealous. Jane simply couldn't compete!
Jane drove away.
She had no idea what her aunt was thinking—otherwise she definitely would have said, "Tell me about it!"
That's right!
Besides Chuck, nobody knew better than her how she compared to Lisa, the Texas girl, in every aspect.
Lisa's overall package was unmatched in looks and figure, plus those adoring blue eyes—these were all external factors. What she cared about even more was the exceptional stamina that came with that athletic body.
Her endurance was far superior.
This was something she'd witnessed firsthand—it couldn't be faked.
The hillside villa
"Hey, where's Jane?"
Lisa, the Texas girl, had gotten up early to go grocery shopping. When she returned and found Jane gone, she immediately asked curiously.
"She went back to New York."
Chuck was making breakfast.
"She's really incredible."
Lisa genuinely praised her. "Not only is she gorgeous, but she's also super capable—way better than me."
"In terms of work, yes."
Chuck was blunt.
In other aspects, the Texas girl had the advantage.
"She's not mad at me, is she?"
Lisa stood watching Chuck make breakfast, asking tentatively.
"No."
Chuck shook his head. "She even thanked you—you heard it yourself."
"..."
Lisa's eye twitched.
She was asking seriously—how could that kind of gratitude during that moment count?
She had a good impression of Jane, a woman who'd been Chuck's assistant and worked her way up in the FBI.
Especially after she'd completely cut ties with her former best friend Nikki, she really wanted to find a suitable best friend—someone she could confide in who could also back her up.
She thought Jane was perfect.
She'd initially thought that after last night, everything would click into place naturally.
In every sense of the phrase.
But who would've thought Jane would leave without a word as soon as morning came, leaving her feeling somewhat disappointed.
"Let's eat!"
Chuck had already prepared breakfast and gestured for the distracted Texas girl to sit down.
"It's delicious, boss!"
Lisa took a bite and praised it enthusiastically, then couldn't help but add, "It's such a shame Jane left without eating."
Seeing that Chuck didn't respond and just ate silently, she could only follow his lead.
After Chuck finished eating, he headed upstairs. After she cleaned up, she heard Chuck call out, "Pack your things—we're heading to Washington, D.C.!"
"Right now?"
Lisa asked reflexively. Under Chuck's gaze, she quickly finished packing, got into Chuck's car, and they drove away from the hillside villa.
"Boss, why are we going to D.C.?"
Lisa finally had a chance to ask.
"Treasury Department business."
Chuck was succinct.
"As an IRS consultant?"
Lisa's eyes immediately lit up.
As a massive fan of Detective Chuck, she'd systematically studied Chuck's background. After successfully landing the job as Chuck's assistant and getting close to her idol, her knowledge of Chuck deepened even further.
She knew Chuck was a senior consultant for various law enforcement agencies, but he primarily worked with the FBI and police on criminal investigations. He handled far fewer cases with the IRS.
This didn't surprise her.
After all, the IRS was the agency—far more powerful than the FBI or local police departments. It was a force even Hollywood movies didn't dare criticize, an agency that seemed to walk the line between untouchable and terrifying.
Such an agency usually handled most matters through sheer authority alone. Cases requiring the specialized expertise of a consultant like Chuck were extremely rare.
And if they did need him, it was guaranteed to be fascinating.
"Yep."
Chuck nodded.
"What case?"
The Texas girl asked, unable to contain her excitement.
"The Lobster Shack tax evasion."
Chuck stated it simply.
"YES!"
The Texas girl pumped her fist excitedly, then looked at Chuck with husky-like eyes full of anticipation, nervousness, and regret. "The Lobster Shack! Investigating their books! I'm so pumped! I should've asked Jane to come!"
"It's fine."
Chuck was matter-of-fact. "We've got help there."
"Boss, I meant that..."
Lisa tried to hint at what she really meant.
"I know. IRS elite agent Susan Green perfectly fits all your requirements."
Chuck remained calm.
Lisa: "..."
(End of Chapter)
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