The next day, after showering in the morning, I started thinking about what Otsuki told me while listening to background music, lying on my side in bed.
It may not be the way I'd like, but there are people who want to see me go to class... I suppose my father is one of them too.
I haven't spoken to him much; I only exchange a few words with him at lunch and dinner. For his part, he's still the same as always. I can't read anything unusual in his face. Along with Otsuki, he's the only person I've seen for two whole weeks.
I feel like I don't need to see any more people, that I can stay locked up here as long as I want. Especially in the morning, I have the whole house to myself. When my father arrives, I'm confined to my room.
I don't know what to think about public opinion. Of course, people aren't going to stop staring at me for a couple of days, they'll probably talk behind my back, and maybe they'll even give me a nickname. Although I wonder who the hell gives people nicknames these days.
A dreadful memory bubbles up until it reaches my consciousness.
"Tsk." I turn 180 degrees in bed, facing the side wall. It must be really jealous of the ceiling; I almost never look at it. But that's because I'm defenseless against any monsters under my bed if I don't look at it.
That only stirred up more thoughts of the past, which I ignored and suppressed almost immediately. I was losing my train of thought.
I wasn't thrilled about going to class itself, but I was keen about going out. Besides, I don't have much else to do other than go to class. It surprises me to think that part of me is inclined to go 'because it's my obligation'.
It's really the only one I have. The free time my father has decided to take from his job he now spends cleaning and taking care of the house. He hasn't asked me for anything at all, other than hanging up the laundry. It's the only thing I don't mind doing; everything else is torture.
The worst part is that I've been ignoring the most important thing ever since it happened. I sit right in front of him, after all. Whether I want to admit it or not, he's partly the reason I don't go to class.
What am I going to do when I walk through the door and have to completely ignore him, feeling his presence behind me? I don't even want to imagine what he'll think when he sees me there. He must be feeling very comfortable now, with the other two agreeing with him.
It still amazes me that they support him and not me. What did I do when I arrived? I did nothing. It was his own ego that made him start crying in my face. It infuriates me that they seem so idiotic supporting him. What bothers me even more is the chill that runs through my body and the resulting trembling of my hands when I remember that event.
I've never hit someone that hard. I can't say I've never hit someone in general... But I'm getting off track again.
My wounds have healed completely, and I no longer have to walk around with bandages on my knuckles, but whenever I remember each blow I gave him, it feels as if they reopen.
It was a horrible feeling. My heart practically sank to my knees when =@º\' . Look how they didn't say anything to him, even though the bastard took so long to get here.
I wonder if the teacher will let me change seats.
I could easily take advantage of my current state, or at least how my tutor perceives me. I think that would be the only way I could attend classes normally.
The fact that this isn't the only thing I have to worry about just puts more pressure on me. The whole Otsuki and her friends storyline has me in just as much of a bind, but I'd rather ignore it until I can go to class. Or hell, until I can even leave the house in the first place.
When did I finally get the motivation to go out? Then I didn't do anything with all that energy. I should have gone out right then and there instead of putting it off. I want to go out, but I can't. I know nothing's going to happen, but I also know something is going to happen.
Ever since then, something always seems to happen whenever I go out. At the convention, at the funeral, in class, at her house, or when she came to mine. Is it because I'm the one who decides to open the front door? Does the fact that I act somehow make everything wrong? It's a joke I can't laugh at.
I should feel better after the first time Otsuki came here, I really should. Making a big deal out of something done with good intentions is insulting to her. Making the effort to open up to someone she doesn't even know, and then calling the same guy who beat her up in class her friend, it's just a fucking joke.
It can't be anything else, it's hilarious. And what's next? Is Daiki going to come to my house to apologize and kiss me? If that's foreshadowing, please don't let the latter happen.
I can't make myself feel better about that. No matter how much they forgive me, tell me it's okay, or reach out, I can't reciprocate. At least, not right now.
I would love to be able to do it.
I got out of bed to grab my water bottle from next to my computer. It was empty. I let out an annoyed sigh before going downstairs to the kitchen with it in my hand.
It's always about doing, doing, doing. The only thing I have to do, and the first thing I can't do .
It would be so much easier if no one bothered to look at me. It would be so much easier if they forced me to go out, to go to class. But I have to do it myself. And only me. How do they expect me to achieve anything on my own, all by myself?
I don't understand.
A short time later, I returned to my room, my mouth and throat refreshed. It was still very early in the morning, and I didn't want to spend all my time lying in bed. Whether in bed or on the computer, I was going to get stressed. The only difference is that with the computer, I don't think about reality.
If only I'd had the chance to turn it on.
Beep! Beep!
My phone was beckoning from the nightstand, its vibration enticing me. I couldn't wait another second to see what the notification was. It was probably from YouTube, or some other app I didn't care about. Contrary to my expectations, it was a message from LINE, from an unknown number. Probably an ad.
I put my phone down, but another message popped up, and another, and another. I gave up and decided to open LINE to see who the jerk was I was going to block today. That's the second time; the third time I'm going to kill someone.
[Hello.]
[I'm Aitsuki.]
[You've probably forgotten by now.]
[I'm the girl I was talking to a couple of weeks ago.]
[Your father recently gave me your phone number.]
The bookseller?… No, I'd better get used to calling her Aitsuki in my head. I don't want a repeat of what happened when she spoke to me there. Although I don't know what's going to be harder: not calling her the bookseller or not calling her Suzune. We're not even close enough to call her by her name.
And on another note, my dad is giving my number to everyone. At this rate, I'm going to be back to having the same number of contacts I used to have.
I calmed down when I realized it wasn't the marketing demon attacking my phone, and so as not to look bad, I answered.
[Hi! Yes, my father said something like that before we left.]
Are you feeling better?
Straight to the mess, no fuss or anything… I wouldn't mind under any other circumstances, but right now it bothered me a little.
[Tied]
Are you having problems in class?
Don't tell me my dad also told what happened... I was getting worried, and without even knowing the truth, I was getting a little angry with my dad.
[No]
[Glad to hear it.]
[Not because I'm not going]
[Ah…]
I didn't think twice before saying it. I could have kept it hidden, but it's not something I mind people knowing. That said, I won't say any more.
[I'll go eventually]
[I thought you would have started going by now.]
[No, I don't. But I'm fine anyway.]
[Really?]
[Really]
[I will trust your word then.]
Big mistake. That's the last thing you should do when talking to me.
[Besides that, I wanted to ask you something else.]
Suzune didn't give me time to continue the conversation with any mundane and bland text, which wouldn't have prevented her imminent question.
[Tell me, tell me]
Would you like to go out today?
"…"
I was about to say no instinctively. Then came a barrage of questions. I knew he wanted to go out with me. Obviously not romantically, but I was sure he wanted to get something out of me.
I wasn't sure what it was, but his ulterior motives could be smelled from miles away.
[For?]
When I asked, there was a moment of silence, or rather, no message at all, until I could see that he was typing.
[Playing billiards.]
Yes. To play billiards. Of all the excuses he could have made, playing billiards. I'd never played it before, alone or with others, so it didn't appeal to me much.
[I've never played]
[I can teach you. It's not difficult to learn. And if you're worried about being late taking the subway, I can pick you up; I have a car.]
His rather curt response made me uneasy. Yes, he was offering to teach me, but that didn't change the fact that it was a trap anyway. And even if it was a trap, something made me seriously consider it.
It was the perfect excuse to go out. Never in my life would I have a better opportunity, regardless of any attempt Otsuki made to drag me out onto the street.
Something inside me told me I couldn't let this opportunity pass. I didn't even have to go on my own; she could pick me up at my house like I was a king. It was that golden platter I'd been waiting so long to be served to me, to no avail. I guess these things happen.
Are you paying?
[I'll pay.]
The desire that had vanished that last time began to resurface in a more faint form.
[And dinner?]
[I never said we were going to dinner.]
[And dinner?] There was another brief pause. By that point, it didn't matter whether I accepted or not; I'd already decided to go. The idea of an adult hanging out with a 14-year-old might be awful, and if it is, absolutely awful, but in the right context, it's not so bad. Now I just hope she doesn't lead me to a dead end or to her house. And that she doesn't show up in a white van.
[Yes. I'll pay for it.]
[Deal]
I hadn't planned on showering today, but this made me change my mind.