"Ahhh…" I sighed, tired of today, even though I haven't done anything. I haven't helped at all.
I've only made my presence known, and little else. I haven't helped at all.
I've even contributed nothing but negative things. I feel bad, even though &$%"! said I did the right thing by not going.
He could have stopped _¨*^?¿ and let the conflict resolve itself, and at least that way no one would have been punished.
But if they hadn't punished anyone, those two idiots would have come out on top, right?
I want to believe I did the right thing, but I could have done something better.
What I have done wrong is not showing interest in the situation itself.
Eventually, someone would have looked for a teacher.
It doesn't matter that I got up first. Even if _¨*^?¿ hadn't gotten up, someone else would have. At least, that's what I want to believe.
People. Was it out of shame that I didn't get up?
No, I just wanted to avoid the situation, as it was a nuisance. I didn't want to do something I didn't need to do.
If it's okay not to act, why did =@º\' say that? Could it be that in the end he was bothered that I didn't hit him, or that I didn't stop _¨*^?¿ ?
I hope it's the second option, since they should know me well enough to know I'm a timid person. Firstly, I don't know what we have in common besides some tastes and a twisted sense of humor.
I want to believe they are my friends, but the more I think about it, the less we have in common.
The only people I don't feel this way about are &$%"! and Amaya. Is that what a person needs to be my friend?
What is it that made us friends?…
I don't say this because I dislike them, but more than once I've wondered what would have become of me if I hadn't met them, or if we suddenly stopped being friends. Do I regret not having done anything? I don't feel the way I do with Amaya. I don't feel bad, or like I have an extra burden on my shoulders…
Maybe I could make up for today by doing something good…
"Mh…"
Yes, I've decided: Today I really want to help Amaya.
I'm not going to cry. Even if I'm a crybaby, I won't today. I'm not going to vent, or tell her nonsense again.
She may act just as lively, but her tone of voice sounds more tired and weak.
Am I being paranoid? It's probably because of my studies. Is that why she asked me yesterday?
Do so many hours of sleep deprive you of?
Whatever it is, I want to do it. I just hope this spirit holds out until I get home.
Sometimes I'm surprised at how easily I get discouraged about some things.
When I got home, my father wasn't there, and my sister hadn't arrived yet.
I guess I'll eat alone today. I'm not complaining, I actually prefer it that way.
After eating, I waited for Amaya to arrive, take a shower, and rest for a while.
I also don't want to bother her by trying to help. It's rather ironic of me to say that.
I tried to pass the time as best I could, all until 6 PM.
I think it's a good time to go bother her. I stopped playing and left my room, taking advantage of the fact that my father hadn't arrived yet.
I'm going to mess with her after all...
I was thinking that as I walked to her room. It was on the same floor as mine, the first floor, only at the end of the hall.
I began to notice the atmosphere was a little dull, and by dull I mean I couldn't hear Amaya talking to herself, or doing anything else.
I know I'm worrying too much. In the end, I'll only hurt myself if I think like this.
When I got to the door, I opened it a little, making as little noise as possible so that he wouldn't notice, and I looked through the gap.
The only light came from the window, which was covered by a shabby curtain.
"Amaya? Are you awake?" I asked softly. "Yes. Tell me," she replied quietly. She was lying on her bed.
She had her back to me, her face turned towards the wall. She wasn't covered up, but she looked like she was about to fall asleep.
I never expected that the words 'Siesta' and 'Amaya' would eventually meet.
"Are you okay? Are you feeling unwell?" "No, I'm just a little sleepy." Seeing her like that, I decided to go in without turning on the light and sit on the bed.
If I wanted, I could stroke his head. No, leave me alone, intrusive thoughts.
"Did you come for something?"
"I just wanted to know how you were doing."
"…"
"Is it so strange that I care about you?"
"What's strange is that you don't talk about yourself afterward..." she said in an annoyed tone...
I'm going to leave the period jokes aside, I don't want to screw things up.
"… I'm sorry for…"
"You don't need to apologize, in the end you're relieving me too."
What a contradictory statement, considering your tone a few seconds ago...
"Oh... well, anyway..." If I keep going like this I'm not going to get anywhere- "And, Riku."
"Yeah?"
"What do you think about me?"
"Huh? About how I see you, or how I think you are?" "Yeah, something like that." There was a brief silence, during which I thought about what to say. After getting over my embarrassment, and remembering what I said on the way home, I decided to speak.
"Well , to tell you the truth, many times I think I don't deserve you because of how good you are, you are kind, sometimes you know how to put yourself in the other person's shoes."
"You always do everything you are told to do, or what you have to do, and you help Dad with various things around the house.
"You're also good at your studies; you never neglect them. You have a good personality, and respectable tastes and opinions. I really like that we have the same tastes, but even outside of what I like, they are still very respectable."
"You have a good mindset, even though you can be a bit pessimistic at times. Deep down, you always care about others. You always want things to turn out well, even if you don't think they will."
"In general, I think you're a nice person and worth getting to know. On the other hand, I—"
In the end, I deliberately cut myself off, so as not to fall into the same old trap. Even after replying, I felt that Amaya felt the same way.
"Are you really okay? You can tell me anything you want… Is it about your class?" I tried to say it in a gentle tone, definitely more genuine than any angry or mocking tone I've used with Amaya.
To avoid getting too close to her, I pulled her desk chair a little closer and sat down. Amaya didn't respond for a moment, and I was about to tell her that she didn't have to say anything if she didn't want to, but…
"More or less."
She tried to lighten her tone a little, still unsure if she was ready to speak. Despite this, she stopped turning her back on me and sat on the edge of the bed.
"…Aren't you doing well?"
"It's not that... It's more like... Nah, never mind. But yeah, I'm doing alright."
"I guess it's better than the other class, with all the things you told me about them."
"That's for sure."
Her tone of voice became calmer and more animated, though her face didn't reflect that. She gasped at my comment about her other class.
"And the exams?"
"Well, I'm sure of that."
"I'm glad. Although it's normal that they turn out well for you. You're my sister, after all."
She looked at me with a somewhat puzzled expression that I didn't notice, but she quickly composed herself and returned my compliment.
"Yes, yes, I'm your super-duper-super-cool sister."
"Don't get carried away."
As if by magic, Amaya perked up to a rather intense degree, at least in her words. Even though it was so sudden, it relieved me, since I hadn't noticed her being depressed.
"…Have you really come here just for this? You're not going to cry to me, and let me comfort you, only to end up apologizing?"
It might be true, but it's not something I'd say out loud. I already know that perfectly well.
"I want to stop doing that…" I said with a tone of regret.
"I don't say this because it bothers me, but every time you come here it's either to act silly or to cry to me. Although, I don't want you to stop…"
"Doesn't it bother you?" "No. Honestly, it doesn't bother me. It might be in bad taste, but I forget most of the things you say to me after a few days, so it's not like I'm carrying a huge burden because of you."
"What happened yesterday must have been a miracle..."
"The fact that?"
"See? A miracle."
"Ah, I know what you mean!" Amaya had stopped speaking in that tone I've been hearing her use lately, and especially now.
"Just to be sure, it was something about your impression, wasn't it?"
"Pin pon! Correct answer!"
For my part, I was using a much softer and lower tone of voice than normal.
It's a shame I have to force myself to do this voice. Can't I speak like this naturally?
"How silly." She let out a giggle along with that comment.
"Yes, I am."
After a few seconds, she continued talking.
"Honestly, it feels good to be able to do something like this, and then for it to actually work. I always feel like I'm not doing anything, but when you leave my room, so calm and happy, I can't help but feel relieved and content. I see how much it hurts you to cry, but the rest of the time I just see that you need to relax, and that's your way of doing it."
"Relax while I cry? That doesn't make any sense." "No, not in the moment, but later. It happens to all of us. Don't you always notice that after crying you feel better, like relieved?" "Well, the truth is, no. If I feel better, it's because of you, at most."
"You're being very sweet today, aren't you?" All that flattery must have made her a little uncomfortable, because she stopped looking at my face, and hers was a little red.
"Does it bother you?"
"...I'm ashamed."
"If you want, I can stop."
"You're good at putting me in bad situations," she said in a slightly annoyed tone, though she was still blushing.
"Should I take that as a 'yes'?"
"Die."
"I'm starting to think you're using it as a defense mechanism, this thing about wanting to kill me."
Amaya sighed, pausing briefly before continuing. I suppose it was to calm herself.
"I think what you're looking for when you cry is that specific moment." "Don't excuse my difficulty controlling my emotions as some kind of master plan to relax." "I'm not saying that's the case, it's just what I think. You might just be a baby, which isn't a bad thing if you know how to control yourself when necessary. I think that last part is something you need to work on. After all, what would you do without me?"
"Be happy."
"You went too far there." "Sorry." "You're forgiven!"
Amaya was looking at me with a silly grin. She seemed to have a brain deficiency. And maybe she does.
"Well, anyway, I can stop if you want. At least, I want to stop." "Doesn't it make you feel good?"
"...I wouldn't know how to explain it."
"Well, you're doing it now."
"Hey?"
"You're talking to me about yourself right now. You don't know why you don't want to confide in me, do you?"
"It's not that I don't know, it's just that..." It's just that I don't want to say it.
I already know what she's going to answer.
'I only cause you problems.' 'I feel bad receiving but not giving.' She'll always answer, 'It's okay.'
"If you don't know how to explain it, you don't have to force yourself. I just want you to know that we can do it whenever you want, even now." "But I don't have protection..."
"…"
Amaya went from speaking seriously, even with some understanding and affection, to looking at me with disgust, and walking away from me.
"You have a fucking problem. I don't know how you and the other two got together."
"Those other two have names, you know."
I was a little embarrassed that my joke hadn't made Amaya laugh, and I felt even worse when I realized what I'd said and started cringeping.
"As an apology for sexually assaulting me with that joke, I want to watch a movie I've been meaning to see, and I wanted some popcorn—"
"No, I'm not going to bring you popcorn. Make it yourself."
"But I don't want to go downstairs. I'm already lying down nice and cozy in my bed." I could smell the laziness in her tone of voice as she complained like a little girl.
"You're going to have to get up to put on the movie."
"Well, you put it on for me."
"Well, I'll tell you another joke just like that. A man was going to a brothel-"
"Go ahead and die. I'll do it."
Amaya, upon hearing my completely innocent and not at all impulsive comment, got out of bed.
The moment she did it, I put my hand to my face. It covered half of it.
Then I started laughing, like a villain. I also put on an exaggeratedly villainous voice.
"Haha! You fell for my trap card!"
"What?!" She played along, with an equally forced and exaggerated voice.
"By giving you that condition, I wasn't looking for a reward, but the opposite! By telling you of your absolute rejection, I knew you were going to give up and stand up on your own!"
"Isn't that literally part of the deal?!"
"I see you're much more naive than I thought. Even if you had rejected me, I would have gone to make you popcorn and put on the movie. But you got ahead of me and decided to get up on your own! Now that you're up, you don't have the excuse of being comfortable in your bed!"
Amaya, seeing my argument, raised her index finger and began moving it from side to side, clicking her tongue in time with the movement. She was saying 'no,' but to what?
She raised her arm and pointed at me. "You're the only one who's deluded here!"
"As?!"
"Yes! Don't you realize how irrational your argument is, Riku?"
"It's impossible that my argument has any flaws! It's a lie, a feint!"
"Why do you assume I'm going to go make some popcorn?"
"Huh?"
"I might turn on the computer, but I never said I was going downstairs!!"
"It just can't be!"
"Yes! Now that you're the one leaving my room, you're obligated to bring me a nice big bag of popcorn!!"
"No, I'm not going to do it." I stopped using the villainous voice the moment I said that.
"...At least I tried. I'll go down there."
Amaya got out of bed, and in response, I got up from the chair. Before she left, I opened my arms in front of her.
"?...Oh."
"Everything is going to be alright, okay?"
Amaya smiled. She took a few steps toward me to hug me. We didn't hug for long, and when we stopped, we both left her room.
I went to my room, and she went down to the kitchen.
I'm glad I went; I don't know if she was tired or depressed, but I hope she can feel this cheerful for at least a little while longer.