It was as if it was his death. I was frightened of that possibility. Could it mean that God wanted him to die for something? Could that even be possible?! "Shit."
The man quickly held up a finger, "Watch your language."
My head was spinning and whirling. This wasn't... None of this should even make sense. So I stood up. "Fuck it. I'm done."
The man blinked in surprise. "What, you're leaving already? You do know that thing is still outside, eh?"
I hesitated on speaking for a second, before continuing, "Right... And how do you know that? Who's even making those things and who are they and-"
The man smirked once more before interrupting my statement. "Sorry kid, but I think you've already heard my story. You're only conveniently making your exit a bit sooner. And I mean that quite literally."
"I... I know." I whispered. I stood up, "This isn't gonna get any easier, is it?"
"There is one thing we can do... But man, have I ever told you how there's always this tiredness lurking around my eyes?" He said, while lightly touching the corner of one of his eyes.
I shrugged, "I guess not. But why the hell would you care for that now?"
He continued speaking as if I had said nothing, "No matter how little I sleep, no matter how long I sleep... That feeling never goes away, it's something like an irritation, a sore muscle that tells me to 'go to sleep'. Yet, when I go to lay down and get some shut-eye, It's as if it disappears. I have always wanted to figure out what it is and if it was only my imagination playing tricks with me. Because, well... You're supposed to know what's real and what's not, right?"
"Well, yeah I guess so, but what the hell is that got to do with us? We should be focusing on getting away." I shouted out.
The man looked at the window outside, then back to me, promptly pointing his finger at me while resting his other hand on the back of a chair. "And I always wondered," Guh... he's gonna ignore me again... "How life really sucks. I mean I couldn't even have a simple rest in sleeping! To top it off I'd just feel so uncomfortable in my sleep that it was worse than just not sleeping. No... I mean, isn't the point of going to bed to finally get rid of the uncomfortable feeling and the tiredness? Or did you not get the point of what I meant. Is it because you've never felt tired enough to stay up and just fall asleep or something?"
"Isn't that just the sleep deprivation doing that?"
"So what, you think I'd just feel exhausted because my body just simply cannot take it anymore? Why would I feel so tired after sleeping only ten or maybe twelve hours?"
The man let out a snort in reaction to me asking this, but didn't reply. This prompted me to continue speaking. "Yeah right," the man frowned, "seriously, who sleeps for twelve hours these days? And I swear by that, you better start answering my question if you know what's good for yourself."
The man sighed, looking down. "That's... A good point. I've never thought of it like that before. I guess the one that needs to take a nap is you... Yeah."
"...What does that even mean? Hey, are you even listening to me?"
He took another look at me, his head moving slightly sideways, and shrugged. He then sat down and patted the ground next to him, motioning me to sit down.
"I... won't. I swear to god that thing outside is getting closer and..."
"Huh? No, I mean it's fine. It's probably gone by now." He said as he rested an arm on the table and began drumming his fingers on it, while holding a wine bottle in his other.
"Won't?"
He nodded his head and placed the wine on the table beside him with both hands gripping the edge, still watching. "So now, after the painful years of living, where was I going?"
"That thing out there might not be-"
"Listen, I don't want to repeat myself again. That thing has already left," The man explained, "but... I should... say a few words in parting. Right. Yeah. Now that I've got you, and I think that should work just fine."
"What's wrong with you? I'm right here."
"...."
"Please, stop wasting time."
He gave a puzzled expression as he stared right back at me with those hollow sockets, "Do you think God will relinquish you from the sin of existence?" He stared straight at me, his mouth was turned up with a slight curl of a smile at one side, an indecipherable expression of sorts on his face.
"I...I do not know, I-"
"Tell me... What sin is it to live? What is it like to have no thoughts, no memories, no emotions? Just a plain black empty void, with only one tiny fragment of self-awareness? Answer me, I'd love to hear your words." The corpse said.
I thought for a second, humoring his delusion for the moment. But instead of telling him a lie, a false answer... I had the courage to reveal the truth to myself as well. The only thing I could think of was Alice, maybe that's what she was experiencing now? Perhaps... Maybe she truly could live without thoughts or feelings? Maybe that would be the case for all those that were forgotten through the Amalgamates. Or it could be that... A reflection of a memory is... "A reflection... An object of perception and experience."
He blinked, a short burst of energy flowing through him. He raised a hand to touch his temple. "Why yes, but... But..."
I continued. "Perhaps, a true reflection does not even exist, that a true reflection does not have a fixed structure, a certain look, or feel... It's a perception. It's what someone experiences when they think about what that is. When someone thinks about it, and reflects on that feeling, a true reflection isn't in their sight, nor will it ever be in their sights." I stepped closer as his breathing became heavier. "In a way... Being nothing after death is... the true reflection..."
The corpse blinked, his eyes becoming moist and starting to blur. The tears flowed from the sides of his eyelids to his cheeks, staining them in a salty liquid, and then falling onto the ground below. He turned his head to me, his skin wrinkling, creasing as it contorted his face to a more pleasing state, with a satisfied look upon himself. "Now... this is new," the corpse said, as the tears rolled down his cheek, soaking the front of his clothes. "and perhaps, worth remembering... so I guess you win. HAHAHAHA! Yeeess. Yes. Yes yes yes yes... It was so close... Almost..." The corpse spoke softly, almost to himself, and yet, there was also an echo within his voice that carried its way into his ears, reverberating deep within his chest. "That's what it was... The sorrow. I was too weak, too fragile, too dumb and naive... Too human."
That was exactly the exact truth he needed to hear, I realized, as my shoulders fell loose. I sighed, as his breaths slowed their rhythm. His lips began quivering and shaking as tears continued their journey down his chin.
"Y...yes, that's it... Tha..at's it..." His voice stuttered and quaked. It broke into pieces and fell apart like shards of a glass pane shattering against concrete. With the words 'human' he began to fall apart before my very eyes. As I was staring at his features fading into the distance.
His body had fallen from his hands, slumping limply on the ground below.
I didn't hesitate.
Walking over to the crumbling mass of flesh that once resembled a human body, I took the corpse's hands. It took a few minutes for me to notice that the hands were cold... There were no traces of warmth on the lifeless body, not in its features and not in its skin. However, there wasn't a single sign of fear in this corpse's eyes either, nor in its stiff movements.
"Hm... You really did manage to die in a moment of realization, didn't you? It must be so liberating, huh? Not having the need to suffer."
People like him... They really do hate change huh? Yet they love the cashier.
I stare at the door in front of us. A strange, translucent color I'd call it... The light, emanating out. Its cold and solid texture made me question it, even as I approached closer and touched the door and began stroking its sides, just to check its surface. The edges are smooth and its material cold, the opposite of what I expected.
Well, no matter... I'm probably the only one who can remember you... It won't matter where you're buried, but I know where you should lie. I'll bring your body there so that you may have at last peace.
Though, I did hope I'd see you a little bit longer.
...
Just a tiny bit, for myself. I laid down by the corpse, whatever was left of it by now.
"Go to sleep now..." I muttered under my breath.
For what reason was I getting so upset, so angry... Maybe because he was the only person to understand me?
To no degree do I think less of others... Like Ootaea, maybe it's their naivety, that's the only trait I truly envied. That was the only time I didn't see any in somebody... Not in recent memory.
For what reason am I attached to this person whom I've known for less than a day? I wish I could've had more time.
But just looking at it... Seeing that this is just a corpse, maybe that is why it seems so different. So peaceful and free from life. The eyes on his face are empty, lifeless. The skin is dried up from the blood being drained away. Not a single thought or sensation could be seen. Perhaps only now could he escape from the restlessness of his eyes.
Then, I realized.
I wasn't being like my usual self.
As if some force was being controlled from me, or maybe influenced... Maybe... It was a result of everything that's been happening... It had caused a change in how I behaved, and I didn't like it. My behavior... has been affected, badly, terribly.
Ugh... I clasped my head and shook it, trying to get rid of these thoughts.
Maybe it's about time I leave this place and I go back to Ootaea.
No one will understand how I feel, not even her. And that fact stings more than I'd like to admit, and that makes me feel weak and useless.
Standing up, I walked away slowly before looking back at the corpse, with a small smirk forming upon my lips.
It's just for the better.
...
"Doffy! Geeeez, you've taken so long that I was starting to get worried that man had ate you for lunch or somethin'!" Ootaea crossed her arms as a snarl appeared across her lips. She huffed.
Wait, "Wait..." Wait....
"Can you remember him?" I felt my heart jump up and thud. That's weird, it was beating faster than usual...
"What are you talking about, doofus? Do you think I'd forget someone I met a little over an hour ago!?" She chuckled in response and patted my back as we walked around the town.
"So... You still think that was Azer?" I asked nervously, a sigh escaped from me. "After all... He-"
"Naaah, Azer couldn't be that much of a pathetic loser! After all, he has that kind of personality ya' know? I don't think he would act the same. You saw those eyes though. Was that really your friend?"
"...Yes." I said, gritting my teeth. There was a rush of emotion that came along with those words... And my fists were shaking as I continued to stare at Ootaea's eyes.
But the corpse's lips never escaped my memory.
"When we see him again, I'll make sure ta give him a big ole' punch." she laughed, punching me lightly in the chest.
I grimaced at the thought of all of this. Maybe I should tell her after all... "Actually, Ootaea..."
"Hmm?" She looked at me, so innocently and confused that I wanted to change my mind.
"You know what? Nevermind..." I shook my head, not wanting to worry her, especially since the situation is already tense enough. She looks up, clearly irritated...
"Don't just change your mind like that Doffy! You know nobody likes a person who goes back on his word. Unless..." she tapped her finger on her forehead, pondering deeply for a moment. She paused, glancing away momentarily and then back towards me, her eyes meeting mine and her lips pursed tightly in concentration. "Something happened, eh?" she pointed her index finger and held it there, before nodding her head confidently. "Of course there was! Don't be trying to fool me! You know I ain't no chump!"
"Heh, yeah that was it..."
"Of course... So, what happened?" She stared at the air before her for a bit before asking her question, though I couldn't get anything out except the noise that left me before I even knew what was going on. It's like the world stopped completely for a split second, and then my limbs acted as if they were moving through water, making every action feel a thousand times heavier and difficult to accomplish.
"R-right... Uh..." What to say, what not to say, and which detail would she ask about first. Aahh, ahhhh. "Well you see... When... When we were in that cabin, I did talk to him... Right, he brought me to his cabin... And, um..."
"Huh? How the heck do you know this cabin? Don't ya' have a job and home and all?" she seemed so oblivious to all of the previous events, like she was having an entirely different conversation from before... Like we both were, and yet, something was holding me back, keeping the answers I wanted at arm's reach...
"Yeah... Ah well... A-Anyway, he told me about... Something." Just say it. Just blurt it out.
No! Don't!
Why not?
Because she could end up dying like him too!
But... Ootaea deserves to know some truth too, doesn't she? She must! Even if you'll keep denying her any right to know! She does need to be prepared if... Anything else was to happen.
I bit my lip and hung my head. There really was no other way around it... "He told me about... God's nature and why everyone gets forgotten when they die..." I maintained my eyes closed for a good few seconds, expecting an outburst or something... But none came. My eyelids flickered open to... A confused Ootaea.
"He told you about... What? Repeat that again and don't slur your words..."
I laughed inwardly, but not outwardly, that would definitely trigger something. So instead I forced out a reply, "He told me that..." I glanced around, and repeated the exact same words.
"You know... I don't know if you're playing tricks on me but... I can't understand a damn thing you're saying!" she grumbled. I lowered my head in frustration.
"...Ootaea... What are you talking about? Why don't you understand what I'm saying?"
The air was still between us.
"...."
And in an instant, the next second had her gaze pointed towards me. Her expression was hard, cold, unrelenting, almost completely deadpan and serious... and also concerned. Not angry, not irritated, just worried... Or maybe concerned with no particular cause behind it...
"...Alright." Ootaea nodded. "Alright." She repeated again, her expression lightened considerably as she let a breath out through her nostrils. It was then I realized that, when I looked closely into her face... her pupils were dilated.
I'm not the one who did this to her, to us. The man must have... No, God must have made her like that. I thought of myself. I hate this!
Then... Stop hating, it's just another part of being yourself. It's just part of being alive.
...Is that supposed to make it hurt any less? If I knew she wasn't able to remember the other man or maybe even have no memories before coming here, then how is that supposed to make me happy? I think back to my home. My bed was the softest thing in the world to me, no, this is not what I asked for, this was not meant to happen, I deserve to return, I should be in that house... But that is impossible, is it? To live in an old memory is as impossible as the night is long. But is it? Impossible is not a word to describe anything that has been seen with the human eye. Nothing is impossible, only unrealistic and inconceivable. But all that can be accomplished is within human grasp and only. To believe otherwise is an utter delusion. But... Aren't humans the creators? Those whose reality is that are the ones that create all sorts of imaginary realities. Whether they create false memories or stories about being tortured in hell or heaven. Even the imagination has a reality in its own realm. But if I accept that I am living within a created universe by God, then isn't all of this creation only an extension of his power? And if that is the case then, we are only able to experience our world because God made it all possible.
"Oh right! Doffy!" She interrupted my thoughts after god knows how long. "We have to run back to the squad... Otherwise we'll delay our travel to point C! What are we waiting for, are you okay!?" she said in an unnaturally rushed tone of voice while looking around at everything that is within her sight.
"R-Right... Right. Yeah." I answered, watching her nod her head furiously while taking small paces toward our designated destination. It's amazing to see people act differently in new places...
To think, though, that she could not hear what I said...
This must be what life is. For something like you to be afraid, alone, lonely, yet have a sense of happiness in its entirety. This must be what's bestowed upon us. For us humans, to see the world in front of our own eyes and know how it's our very existence which gave the world around us so much meaning and purpose. It must've been our own will, and not some divine source...
Aside from that... It felt almost as if something within myself had shattered or broke apart... But the world around me had become... somehow darker, and everything, even my hands were barely visible against the walls.
I tried not to think about how this was real. That the woman would forget me, as would everyone in this new world.