"Why is he not saying anything after reading my messages? Has he lost interest now? Or has he found someone else?" Lee Doyun paced to and fro in his small room, thinking out loud. The faint hum of the ceiling fan did little to calm his nerves, and his fingers twitched nervously as he tugged at the hem of his shirt.
"But I thought he said his deal was up until I made up my mind? Why? I don't get it. Or could it be that he is with someone and will get back to me once he is done?" His pacing grew faster, the floorboards creaking under his weight. He muttered under his breath, each question dragging the anxiety tighter around his chest.
Since returning from the hospital, Do Yun's plan is to divide the amount of money he needs and ask for a part from each of his sugar mamas. He had mapped out the calculations in his head, the numbers spinning as he imagined the burden of the debt and the ticking clock on his mother's life.
But only one is currently available, and they've already arranged to meet tomorrow night. He rubbed his temples, feeling the weight of the waiting period press on him like a physical force.
The other two have to attend to their business and family duties, so it will be a while before he can see them. The frustration bubbled up as he realized that his resources were limited and time was short.
He only asks for money from his lovers in person. He doesn't want his lovers to think that is the only reason he reaches out to them. Though that's basically the nature of their relationships. His mind wrestled with the moral ambiguity, but urgency silenced any lingering guilt.
Doyun tries to make each of his lovers, aka ATMs, believe that they are the only lovers that he has. He sometimes uses a part of the money he gets from them to buy them moderately priced gifts on their birthdays. A faint smile flickered across his face, though it was fleeting, buried under the stress gnawing at him.
Now he is restless. He hasn't been able to save up anything because it was only two days ago that he gave all that he had to pay a part of the loan interest to those brute loan sharks. His stomach churned at the memory of their threats, the images of their grim faces flashing in his mind.
To make matters worse, his late father had made a risky gamble on his education, but not long after, he passed on. His chest tightened at the thought, the weight of responsibility pressing down harder.
Their debts wouldn't have been this much if his dad had not taken that huge loan to secure his admission to the Kimland University of Arts and Culture. The thought made his jaw clench, a mix of resentment and helplessness swirling in his mind.
He has used up all his money by giving it to those thugs because they have been harassing his family everywhere. The mental image of his mother being cornered at the market, and his sisters being blocked on their way to school, fueled his desperation.
They will sometimes go to his mom's stall at the market just to harass her for their money.
And sometimes too, they would even block his sisters on their way to school, just to threaten them into paying back their loan. As if they have the money and are just refusing to pay. Anger flared in Doyun's chest, and he ran a hand through his hair in frustration.
Now that his mother is also admitted at the hospital and he is the first son, how is he supposed to cater for his family now? The pressure of being the eldest, the protector, and the provider sat heavily on his shoulders.
His ATMs cannot come to his aid now as they are out of coverage areas. Maybe he needs to find a new bank. The thought of turning to someone new made him uneasy, but the urgency overrode his hesitation.
So out of desperation, he decided to reach out to a certain middle-aged man that he had met at a bar one time who had given him his card and made a very tempting offer to him. The memory of that encounter resurfaced, the man's confident demeanor and tempting proposal vivid in his mind.
Though this had occurred around the same time that he had decided to sleep with wealthy women for money and other benefits, he wasn't interested. His stomach twisted as he remembered the initial instinct of refusal.
And that is solely because he doesn't do men or boys. Despite the tempting and straightforward offer, he never paid attention to it and threw the card somewhere in his room. His fingers itched as he recalled tossing it carelessly onto the floor, forgetting the weight of the option it represented.
Now that he thinks that this man's offer could be the only option available, he frantically searches his room for it. The small room felt cramped as he moved swiftly, tossing aside clothes and papers in a blur of anxious motion.
Luckily, since he lives alone in his tiny single room, he knows the card would definitely be somewhere in the room, since he doesn't remember ever seeing it again after that evening at the bar.
So he was sure he would find it. His pulse quickened when his eyes finally landed on the edge of a card peeking from under the nightstand.
And as fate will have it, he did find it under his nightstand. Relief surged through him, mingling with the lingering anxiety that refused to fade.
Doyun was very glad to have found it. But before he reaches out to the man and accepts his offer, he needs to know more about what he is about to get himself into. His brows furrowed as he considered the unknown consequences, the risk of stepping into a world he had no experience with.
Not having any idea how these boy-to-boy relationships work, he started researching online about it and even ended up searching for how to do those weird poses as a guy to seduce another guy. The embarrassment should have been overwhelming, but the fear of losing his mom overrode every shred of shame.
Fuck! He has even gone to the pharmacy to get some lube and three different sizes of condoms, including his own size, since he doesn't know the man's actual size or if the man will ask him to "top" him. A small shiver ran down his spine as he imagined the possibilities, his stomach twisting in anticipation and dread.
A term he has just learnt from his research some minutes ago.
The fear of losing his mom has not given him the time to even feel any sort of embarrassment or shame. Each thought about her condition spurred him into action, overriding any lingering self-consciousness.
His primary concern now is how he is going to get the money for his mom's treatments. His hands balled into fists as he paced once more, the floor creaking underfoot.
After surfing the Internet for information on how sex between a man and a man goes, he decided to reach out to the middle-aged man. Hesitation flickered, but desperation won out.
But since it's been a long time since the man made the offer, Doyun believes he needs to send these nudes so that the man will not be able to tell him that he has changed his mind. Each click of the send button made his heart hammer faster, but he forced himself to focus.
If he was interested in him when he still had full clothes on, then how can he refuse him when he isn't in any? It was for this reason that he sent those sexy pictures.
"Why is he not saying anything after reading my messages? Has he lost interest now? Or has he found someone else?" Lee Doyun paced to and fro in his small room, thinking out loud. Each step sounded louder than normal, the silence around him pressing in like a heavy weight.
He has finished sending all the photos he took to the man, but he still hasn't replied to his messages even after reading them and viewing the pictures too. Anxiety gnawed at him, his fingers drumming against the edge of his desk.
Does this mean the man doesn't want him anymore? Are he and his siblings going to lose their last ticket to saving their terminally ailing mother? Panic tightened his chest, and he swallowed hard.
No. He refuses to accept this. He will do everything he can to save her. Determination flared, burning away doubt and fear.
Fuck! They just lost their dad less than three months ago. They can't lose their mother too when they haven't even recovered from the loss of their dad. Tears threatened to sting his eyes, but he blinked them back, focusing instead on the path forward.
"But I thought he said his deal was up until I made up my mind? Why is he not minding me then? I don't get it." His pacing slowed slightly as he sank into a chair, gripping the edge tightly and staring at the phone in his hand, hoping, praying, that a reply would come soon.