God… Janna…
(You have gone to heaven)
(I still can't accept it)
(Even now, I still tremble)
(Life can be so damn cruel)
"Hey, what's your name?"
"Me? I'm Van… Torvan."
"What are you doing sitting here? This is my spot."
"Oh. Sorry. I'll leave."
Van said he would leave, but he stayed right there on the edge of the balcony, showing no sign of moving.
"…Fine. I'll let you sit here for a while."
The girl did not press the matter. She sat down beside him.
"What are you looking at?"
"Topside."
Van did not look away. His eyes stayed fixed on the beautiful lights of Piltover through the hazy night.
"Tch. What's so good about topside?"
"It's pretty."
"…Weirdo."
Zaun's nights were cold. The girl sniffled and wiped her nose.
"Oh, right. I'm Vi. Violet."
"Oh."
"What do you mean, 'oh'? When someone talks to you, you look at them! Don't you know any manners?"
"Manners? No…"
Van did not seem to understand the word, but he still turned to look at the girl beside him.
"Huh?!"
"…What?"
Vi felt strange under Van's shocked stare.
"You're… really pretty."
"Me? Pretty? Are you serious? Ha… You look kind of dumb, but you're pretty good at flattering people."
Vi found it funny. She had never thought of herself as especially pretty.
But after laughing for a moment, she stopped.
Van was still staring at her, his eyes completely serious.
"Really. You're very pretty."
"…Okay, okay. I get it."
Vi coughed awkwardly, then stood up, not quite knowing what to do with herself.
"Anyway, why haven't I seen you before? Where's your home?"
"Home? Don't have one."
"You don't have a home? What about your parents?"
"Don't have any."
"Tsk…"
Vi was not surprised. Kids like that were common in Zaun. She had parents and a cute little sister, so in her own mind, she was the happiest kid in the world.
"My mom should have dinner ready by now. Want to come eat at my place?"
"Huh?"
"What are you 'huh'-ing for? Come on… Dummy."
Vi ignored Van's confusion, grabbed him by the hand, and pulled him down from the balcony.
That was the first time I met her. She took me home for dinner… the first hot meal I can remember. Because of her, I met Powder. I met Connol and Felicia. I met Vander and… Silco.
It was as if my life began that day. I can barely remember what it was like before I met her.
Those were good days. Felicia liked me. So did Vander. Powder and I got along well too. And her… I don't think I'll ever forget that time for as long as I live.
But good things fade so easily, like firelights that die after burning bright.
"Vander! Where is everyone going?"
"To… the Bridge of Progress."
"The Bridge of Progress?!"
Van's eyes immediately lit up, and the beautiful view he had once seen from afar rose in his mind.
"Are you going topside? Can I come?"
"No. You can't."
Vander's face was grave, though there was also a faint excitement beneath it. Connol, Felicia, Silco, and Benzo were all in the crowd. Everyone looked furious, holding all sorts of tools as they headed toward the Bridge of Progress.
"Stay home. Don't run around."
Vander gave Van the warning seriously, then turned and followed the crowd.
"But…"
Van looked at the dense crowd, and a thought suddenly flashed through his mind.
Then his eyes landed on an axe leaning against the wall by the street.
I still followed them. I hid it from everyone and went with the purest hope in my heart… I wanted to see the view of topside. I wanted to bring her back a few soft little cupcakes and bring Powder a clean, cute toy.
It became a nightmare.
A nightmare I still can't forget.
"Van?! Why did you follow us?"
The blacksmith from the Lanes was startled when he saw Van poke his head out.
"I…"
Van could not get the words out. The firelight and screams around him had frightened him still.
The Bridge of Progress was filled with humanity's most primitive instincts.
"Van! Move!"
The blacksmith shoved Van away. Van flew backward and hit his head on the bridge railing. Pain and dizziness almost knocked him unconscious.
But before his awareness faded, he clearly saw several holes open in the blacksmith's body, blood pouring from them.
Later, I came back. I walked back by myself. Everyone was shocked and asked where I'd been… I said I had followed them to the Bridge of Progress, and they were even more shocked. They hadn't expected a kid like me to follow them there. They expected even less that I had come back alive.
Everything changed after that. The Lanes were full of grief and misery. I could feel it clearly… Connol and Felicia were gone. I never saw them again. Vander and Silco went their separate ways too, for reasons I didn't understand.
But that wasn't what mattered most to me.
That was the first time I saw her cry so hard. The last time I'd seen her cry, some punks had thrown her toy onto a high power line. It was so high no one dared climb up there.
"Van! Torvan! Come back!"
Vi stood anxiously at the edge of the balcony, tear tracks still wet on her face.
"I'm not crying anymore! Please come back! It's too dangerous!"
Van seemed not to hear her. He kept crawling along the power line toward Vi's toy.
Fortunately, those thick wires had already been abandoned. Otherwise, Van would have had to worry about getting electrocuted too.
At last, Van lived up to everyone's hopes and grabbed the toy caught in the wires.
Also as expected, he slipped and fell from high above.
I didn't die. I didn't even get hurt. That was when I discovered I never got injured from falling… though it wasn't all good. She refused to talk to me for quite a while after that.
Later, I beat those punks half to death for making her cry. I got revenge for her.
But this time, she cried even harder, and I couldn't do anything.
I tried to make her accept it, but I chose the wrong way. She punched me hard. That was the first time she ever hit me. It hurt, but not on my body.
I was sad then, but not because she hit me. I wouldn't have minded fighting her.
But I didn't.
I was sad because there was nothing I could do.
I asked Vander why Vi was so sad.
Vander told me it was because of loss.
Losing someone you love.
I didn't truly understand it back then… but if I had a choice, I would rather have never understood it at all.
"Are you ready to lose her?"
Meira looked at Van behind the bar and asked with concern.
"Me?! I…"
A coldness rushed from the soles of Van's feet straight to the top of his head, and memories from years ago appeared before him in an instant.
Loss.
Losing someone you love.
For the first time in his life, Van felt confusion and resentment toward the divine. If all things in this world were created by gods, then why would a god who loved her children create something so cruel?
Van did not know how to answer Meira. He could only fall silent, his pupils trembling.
There were never any sweet words between us.
But everyone knew.
We knew too.
I thought that was how it had been in the past, how it was now, and how it would be in the future.
I once prayed to Janna, asking her to carry my wish to you.
Maybe my heart went with you when you left.
Maybe my heart will never open for another person in this life.
Maybe…
Late at night, inside the chapel.
Van sat in the first row, clutching the bluebird pendant tightly as he stared at Janna's portrait.
His eyes looked still, like a deep old well, but beneath the dim light, they still reflected an unusual glimmer.
He murmured under his breath, praying softly to Janna.
After a long while, he sighed, tucked the bluebird pendant back into his clothes, and sat alone in the chapel.
Eventually, Van reached into his pocket and took out the elegant, beautifully crafted lighter.
The patterns on it shimmered beneath the light, and his firm profile faintly appeared in the gloom.
Van sighed again. He slowly relaxed, leaned back against the chair, and lifted his face in sorrow. The cold bluebird pendant pressed tight against his chest.
"God… Janna…"
(Life can be so damn cruel)
(I'm still alive)
(I still can't accept it)
(But you have gone to heaven)
(You have gone)
[End of chapter]