I crouched in the corner of the bathroom like a sniveling coward caught hiding cash from his wife, and after wandering around stalling for a while, I finally got the Qi-Gathering Pill down my throat. The medicine dissolved, and spiritual energy went rampaging through my body like a bull in a china shop.
"Old man, how am I supposed to refine this thing?!" I yelled at the ring. "It feels like someone lit a string of firecrackers inside my stomach!"
The old man's holographic projection flickered into view, a shit-eating grin plastered across his face. "Serves you right for slacking on your cultivation! The energy in that Qi-Gathering Pill is like a husky off its leash — it won't stop until it's torn your whole house apart! Hurry up and run the Breath-Drawing Incantation — rein it in!"
I gritted my teeth against the searing pain and tried to circulate the energy according to the technique. But the pill's power wasn't having any of it. It careened through my meridians like a drunk driver — one moment surging into my arms, turning my hands into trembling chicken claws; the next shooting down into my legs, making me hop around the bathroom in an involuntary cramp dance.
Right in the middle of all this, my son Xiao Chuan's voice floated in from outside the door. "Dad, are you doing square dancing in there? I wanna watch!"
"Don't come in! Dad is… he's arm-wrestling the toilet!" I hollered at the top of my lungs, terrified Xiao Chuan would push the door open and see his father in this ridiculous state.
At that moment, the pill's energy suddenly surged upward from my lower dantian and slammed into my chest. I was convinced my heart had actually stopped. In a panic, I grabbed the toothbrush off the counter and jammed it between my teeth, biting down so hard the bristles went flying.
The old man stomped his feet in exasperation. "Why are you biting the toothbrush?! I didn't tell you to eat toothpaste! Guide the energy down to the Yongquan acupoint, now!"
"How am I supposed to know where the Yongquan point is? Is it on the bottom of my foot or the back of my head?!" I was nearly in tears, stars exploding across my vision from the pain.
"You idiot! It's the ticklish spot on your sole!" The old man smacked me on the head in fury, his holographic form wobbling with the effort.
I hastily shifted my focus to the soles of my feet — and wouldn't you know it, that actually did something. The energy began seeping slowly downward toward my feet. I'd barely exhaled in relief before a new problem arrived: I felt my feet lift completely off the ground, and the next thing I knew I was upside-down, pressed flat against the ceiling, blood rushing to my head until it felt like a swollen watermelon.
"Help! I'm turning into Spider-Man's weird uncle!" I screamed from the ceiling.
The old man laughed so hard tears streamed down his face. "That's what you get for having no control! Consider this a complimentary trip to the sky! Now use your spiritual energy to pull yourself back down!"
I frantically cycled my energy — and put in way too much force. With a thunderous bang, I dropped from the ceiling and landed square on the toilet lid. The lid gave a sickening crack and split clean in two, water spraying all over me.
"Oh, this is just great. The fridge isn't even fixed yet and now I've taken out the toilet!" I wanted to cry.
Before I could even peel myself off the broken toilet seat, my wife Lin Yao's voice rang out from the living room. "Lu! Are you setting off demolition charges in there?! You've shaken the pipes loose!"
I looked down. Sure enough — the bathroom pipes had burst at some point, shooting water out like a fountain.
I forgot all about refining the pill. I grabbed the mop and lunged for the pipe, only for the rushing water to send me skidding all over the floor like a tap-dancing penguin.
The old man watched on with undisguised glee. "Told you to practice properly! Look on the bright side — not only are you cultivating immortality, you're getting a free water park experience!"
"It's all your fault, you useless system! Your pills have zero consideration for the user!" I wrestled with the pipe and cursed a blue streak. "The thing was the size of a pigeon's egg — nearly choked me to death — and then the energy it releases is this violent?!"
After what felt like an eternity, I managed to stop the leak and collapsed onto the wet floor, soaked to the bone. I was just starting to catch my breath when I realized the wild energy in my dantian had, at some point, gone completely still. A warm current now flowed gently through my meridians.
"Wait — did it actually work?" I stared in stunned delight.
The old man swaggered and fanned himself with his palm-leaf fan. "Of course it did! What do you expect from a pill produced by this system? Sure, swallowing it is a bit of an ordeal, but the results are absolutely top-tier! Your dantian and meridians are now three times wider than before — your cultivation from here on out will feel like you've got a turbocharger installed!"
I was just about to say something complimentary when my eyes landed on the devastated bathroom. Water everywhere. The toilet lid in two pieces. The vanity looking like it had been looted. I could already picture Lin Yao's death glare bearing down on me.
"I'm so dead. How do I explain this to Lin Yao? 'Sorry honey, I was cultivating immortality and the pipes had an accident'?" I scratched my head in desperation.
The old man grinned slyly. "You could always say the kid upstairs was setting off firecrackers and the shockwave did it?"
"Do you think my wife is an idiot?!" I shot him a withering look.
Before I could think of anything better, Lin Yao's voice came again: "Lu! You had better have a very good explanation for me. Otherwise tonight you're sleeping out in the hallway corridor!"