Eridius was being thoroughly overwhelmed.
His left arm hung limp at his side, every bone from shoulder to fingertips shattered by repeated blows. Blood streamed down his face, mixing with the rain as fresh claw marks crossed over older wounds. Every breath sent a sharp pain through his ribs.
Across from him, the cat-like creature let out another guttural snarl.
It was still furious.
His comment from earlier—calling it hideous—had ignited a level of rage that bordered on insanity.
The three surviving gang members who had awkwardly looked between Eridius and the creature only moments before had tried to calm it down.
They never got the chance.
In its blind fury, the creature had torn all three of them apart without hesitation.
Now there was only Eridius...
...and the monster that wanted him dead.
[Mewmew]: Nah Nah.
The creature screeched furiously, pointing a claw at Eridius as if demanding an apology.
Boss Lee let out a weary sigh.
[Lee]: She says... apologize, then die.
Eridius looked between Lee and the creature for a moment.
Then shook his head.
A beat.
[Eridius]: My opinion still stands.
He pointed directly at Mewmew.
[Eridius]: She's hideous enough to offend my eyes just by existing.
Mewmew's fur stood on end.
Her pupils narrowed into slits.
For a brief moment...
Everything went completely still.
Then—
She exploded forward.
Eridius barely managed to throw himself aside as a massive fist slammed into the concrete where he had been standing.
BOOM!
The floor shattered.
Before he could regain his footing, a flurry of claws swept toward his chest.
He twisted his body at the last possible instant.
The claws missed his heart by mere centimeters, carving deep gashes across his side instead.
Blood sprayed across the warehouse floor.
Eridius clicked his tongue.
A beat as he ducked beneath another swipe that carved through the wall behind him.
[Eridius]: She's definitely trying to turn me into soup.
Eridius swung his crimson greatsword in a wide arc.
The sheer force of the strike forced both Mewmew and Boss Lee to take a cautious step back.
It wasn't enough to wound them.
But it bought him exactly what he needed.
One second.
His hand dove into his inventory.
A metal can appeared.
Ground coffee beans.
Without hesitation—
He hurled it straight between them.
CLANG!
The can bounced across the concrete floor.
Boss Lee frowned.
Mewmew tilted her head in confusion.
For a brief moment...
Neither of them understood.
Then—
From somewhere inside the warehouse's drainage pipes—
A shriek echoed through the darkness.
The pipes burst apart.
Steel twisted outward as an enormous humanoid cockroach with glowing yellow eyes crawled into the warehouse.
Behind it—
Dozens.
Hundreds.
A tide of giant cockroaches poured from the tunnels, climbing over one another with terrifying speed.
Every single pair of compound eyes locked onto the can of coffee.
Silence.
Boss Lee slowly looked at the approaching swarm.
Then at the can.
Then back at Eridius.
Eridius was already sprinting toward the exit.
Laughing like a complete maniac.
[Eridius]: HAVE FUN!
[Flashback – Three Days Earlier]
The café had been unusually quiet.
Eridius stared at the empty coffee shelf.
Then slowly turned toward Woods.
A pause.
[Eridius]: If you needed money for drugs, you could've just asked.
[Eridius]: I would've docked your salary instead of letting you steal the coffee.
Woods looked horrified.
[Woods]: I don't do drugs!
She immediately pointed toward Alexander.
[Woods]: Ask Alex!
Alexander calmly continued grinding fresh coffee.
[Alexander]: She is far too addicted to potatoes to become addicted to anything else.
He paused.
Then looked up.
[Alexander]: I did witness three giant cockroaches standing on each other's shoulders to reach the top shelf.
Silence.
[Alexander]: They stole the coffee.
Another pause.
[Alexander]: They also followed me through the sewers during my last mission.
Eridius slowly closed his eyes.
That was the moment he realized two things.
First...
His life was only going to become more difficult.
Second...
Weaponized coffee was apparently a viable emergency escape plan.
[Back to the Present]
Eridius ran for his life.
Behind him came a tide of giant cockroaches, their legs clattering across the concrete like a living avalanche.
At their head charged the towering humanoid cockroach, its glowing yellow eyes fixed on the can of coffee beans clutched in Eridius's hand.
[Eridius]: Why do cockroaches even want coffee?!
The only reply was the deafening sound of hundreds of insect legs scraping across the floor as the swarm accelerated.
Eridius gritted his teeth and pushed himself harder.
Pain shot through his shattered arm with every step.
Blood dripped steadily from the claw wounds covering his body, leaving a crimson trail behind him.
Every breath felt like inhaling broken glass.
His body screamed at him to stop.
He ignored it.
[Eridius]: Come on... just a little farther...
He glanced back for a split second.
Bad idea.
The humanoid cockroach had somehow gotten even closer.
[Eridius]: Why are you faster?!
Then another realization hit him.
He had cut every steel door in the warehouse clean in half.
Normally, those doors would have slowed down anyone chasing him.
Instead...
He had thoughtfully removed every obstacle in his own escape route.
A long sigh escaped him despite the situation.
Another pained step.
[Eridius]: Future me is going to punch past me in the face.
He ducked under a hanging pipe and kept running, desperately hoping Boss Lee and Mewmew would prove to be more appealing targets than a can of premium coffee beans.
Unfortunately...
Fate had other plans.
WHAM!
A fist that looked exactly like his own shot out of nowhere and slammed directly into his face.
Eridius was launched out of the warehouse like a kicked football.
He bounced across the rain-soaked pavement before finally skidding to a stop.
"..."
Holding his rapidly swelling eye, he slowly looked up.
The floating fist was still there.
It silently raised its middle finger.
Then vanished.
A long pause.
[Eridius]: ...Was that...
Another pause.
[Eridius]: ...future me?
He stared at the empty air.
[Eridius]: I have so many questions.
Unfortunately, life refused to give him time to ask them.
Behind him—
CRASH!
The warehouse wall exploded outward.
Hundreds of giant cockroaches poured into the street.
Leading them was the humanoid one.
It proudly held two freshly severed skulls in its claws.
Boss Lee's.
And Mewmew's.
The cockroach raised them triumphantly.
[Humanoid Cockroach]: COFFEE!!
Eridius blinked.
Then slowly looked toward the ruined warehouse.
[Eridius]: ...
A beat.
[Eridius]: Well...
He scratched his cheek.
[Eridius]: At least I technically dealt with them.
He casually pulled the mission request from his pocket.
His eyes scanned the document.
Then a smile appeared.
Mission Objective:
Clear the warehouse of hostile gangs and secure it for.
Time:
Twenty-four hours.
Eridius checked the time.
A beat.
His smile widened.
[Eridius]: Oh.
[Eridius]: Time's up.
He folded the paper with complete satisfaction.
[Eridius]: Mission accomplished.
He looked toward the approaching swarm.
[Eridius]: ...Right, Mr. Fixer?
]][][[]][[][]
Silence.
Then—
Two figures stepped out from the shadows.
Both wore Association suits.
Both looked completely exhausted.
Without saying a word, they drew their weapons.
One blurred forward.
The other calmly adjusted his gloves.
Five seconds later...
The street became quiet.
Every cockroach lay dead.
Even the humanoid one.
One of the men casually wiped insect blood from his blade.
[Fixer #1]: One cockroach...
He glanced at the enormous pile of corpses.
[Fixer #1]: ...one pretzel.
Eridius blinked.
[Eridius]: ...Huh?
The second Fixer opened a notebook.
He counted silently for several moments.
Then nodded.
[Fixer #2]: We were sent by the Association to evaluate your promotion mission.
A pause.
He flipped another page.
[Fixer #2]: We were also informed about your... establishment's promotional campaign.
Another pause.
[Fixer #2]: According to our count...
He looked up.
[Fixer #2]: You currently owe us three hundred sixty-three pretzels.
He flipped one final page.
[Fixer #2]: Plus ten bonus pretzels.
Eridius frowned.
[Eridius]: Why the extra ten?
The Fixer closed the notebook.
[Fixer #2]: The humanoid one counted as a mini-boss.
A pause.
Then he looked Eridius straight in the eye.
[Fixer #2]: Unless you'd prefer to pay us in coffee.
Both Association Fixers immediately became completely serious.
Eridius felt a chill run down his spine.
He had just realized...
Pretzels were worth more than his life.
[Chapter End]
[Question: Where were Alexander and Woods]
[Answer: They were celebrating with a rock and roll party instead of the cafe]