Instead, the screen lit up with an incoming call from a completely different number.
He swiped the green icon and cautiously brought the phone to his ear. "Hello?"
"Moshi mosh~!" a bright, obnoxiously cheerful voice sang through the speaker. "Is this Tokyo's newest, most tragic anomaly? How is my favorite transfer student doing on this lovely afternoon?"
Ren closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. A dull headache immediately began to pulse behind his temples. Of course.
"Gojo-sensei," Ren deadpanned, his voice completely devoid of enthusiasm. "Shouldn't you be busy annoying the Kyoto elders right now?"
"Oh, I am!" Gojo declared, sounding entirely too happy about it. "Principal Gakuganji is currently in the middle of a very long, very boring lecture about 'respect' and 'tradition'. I tuned him out about twenty minutes ago.
So, I thought I'd check in on my precious student! Tell me, did you enjoy your little private study session with Shoko?"
Ren's eye twitched. He leaned his back against the cold stone wall of the campus courtyard. "You dragged me all the way back from an active field investigation just to send me to the morgue."
"It's called independent study, Ren-kun! A crucial part of youth," Gojo countered breezily over the line.
"So? Did you master it? Did my brilliant, beautiful doctor friend teach you the secrets of Reverse Cursed Technique?"
Ren let out a heavy, incredibly flat sigh, staring up at the darkening sky. He decided to lean entirely into the absurdity of the question.
"Oh, absolutely," Ren replied, his voice dripping with thick, unapologetic sarcasm. "It was incredibly easy, actually. Barely an inconvenience."
"Really?" Gojo asked, his tone laced with feigned, dramatic gasp. "A prodigy!"
"Yeah, definitely," Ren continued smoothly, matching the sarcastic energy perfectly. "Turns out, taking my cursed energy—which is squashed to near-zero —and multiplying it against my other near-zero cursed energy is basic arithmetic.
I am practically a glowing, radiant beacon of positive energy right now. I was actually just thinking about walking back to Kawasaki and healing the concept of death itself."
A loud, booming laugh echoed through the speaker. Satoru Gojo was clearly enjoying this entirely too much.
"I knew I picked a winner!" Gojo laughed, the sound vibrating slightly through the phone's bad connection. "I bet Shoko looked like she wanted to staple my picture to a dartboard, didn't she?"
"She mentioned wanting to deport you, actually," Ren corrected dryly. "She also threatened me with a very large, unlubricated needle if I ever mention how rested she used to look."
"Ah, the nostalgia!" Gojo sighed happily.
The line went quiet for a fraction of a second before Gojo's tone shifted, laced with genuine, almost impressed amusement.
"You know, I have to admit, your little flirting routine actually kind of worked. Color me impressed, Ren-kun."
Ren leaned the back of his head against the cold stone wall of the campus courtyard, staring up at the darkening sky. "I have literally no idea what you're talking about."
"Oh, please. Shoko usually doesn't agree to teach anyone anything," Gojo chuckled, the sound vibrating through the phone's bad connection.
"When I called and asked her to give you a crash course in RCT, I was honestly just messing around to see how fast she'd kick you out. I fully expected her to lock the morgue doors on you and throw away the key. But she actually sat you down, drank your coffee, and explained the math! You've got a gift."
"It was a very short, very insulting explanation," Ren pointed out flatly.
"Still counts!" Gojo sang. Then, the ambient background noise of the Kyoto faculty room seemed to fade entirely, and Gojo's voice dropped into a smooth, playfully dangerous register.
"But let me give you a little friendly advice from your favorite sensei. You better not make a habit of hitting on my beautiful doctor friend. Because if you do, I might just accidentally leak that information to a certain green-haired, spear-wielding student of mine."
Ren didn't even blink. "Are you threatening me with domestic violence, Gojo-sensei?"
"I'm just saying, Maki wouldn't just break your heart, Ren-kun. She would systematically shatter every single bone in your body," Gojo said, sounding entirely too cheerful about the prospect of his student's grisly murder. "And as her teacher, I'd have to just sit back and watch. Tragic, really."
"Oh no. Please. Anything but that," Ren replied, his voice dripping with thick, unapologetic sarcasm. "I'm absolutely terrified. Trembling in my newly-acquired, Heavenly Restricted boots as we speak."
Ren let out a heavy sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose to stave off the incoming headache.
"For the record, offering a severely sleep-deprived woman a cup of coffee isn't hitting on her. It's called basic human decency. You should look the concept up sometime. It might save you from getting officially deported by the school administration."
A loud, booming laugh echoed through the speaker. "Decency is so boring, though! Anyway, I've got to get back to actively ignoring Principal Gakuganji before he bursts a blood vessel. Try not to cause any major incidents while I'm gone, okay? Bye-bye!"
Click. The line went dead.
Ren shoved the phone back into his jacket pocket and pushed off the cold stone wall, letting out a long, slow breath into the cooling evening air.
"I have to admit," Ren muttered to the empty courtyard, shaking his head with a wry, exasperated smile. "For all the absolute, migraine-inducing headaches he causes... Satoru Gojo is unquestionably the biggest troll in all of JJK. But goddamn, the guy has the biggest aura to back it up."
It was true. Even through a terrible cell connection from hundreds of miles away, Gojo's sheer presence and intellect were suffocating. You never truly knew if he was just messing around like a hyperactive child or if he was playing 4D chess, casually predicting your every move. It was a terrifying line to walk.
But right now, Gojo's trolling was a blessing. By completely dismissing Ren's threat level and focusing on teasing him about Shoko and Maki, Gojo had unwittingly given Ren the perfect, unquestionable alibi. He had complete freedom to move.
Ren pulled up the time on his phone screen. The sun was already beginning its descent, casting long, deep orange shadows across the campus stones.