No one but me and Dr John, my therapist. Well, former. I stopped attending sessions as they were way too expensive and not helpful.
Annie's Aston Martin rapide pulled up minutes later. She practically jumped out of it. "Annie." I tearfully call. She pulls me into a hug as soon as she gets close. I collapse into her, sobs coming in endless waves. Choking and ugly. My body shaking. I could not think, I just cried. I didn't know how Annie got me into her car. Her eyes blazed with fury at the end of my narration. "Bastard! I should cut off his damn balls and shove it down his damn throat!" She seethed in pure rage. I have no doubt that she would do that if Neil is in front of her right now. She had never been thrilled about my relationship with Neil in the beginning. She only changed her opinion about him recently when I told her about the proposal. I sugarcoated him to convince her that he was a good guy.
"Is there a problem with me? Why can't I just.... be happy? Don't I deserve love?"
"Nothing is wrong with you. You are perfect Gwen. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. It's those men's fault for not seeing that you are a treasure." She pats my back while saying those soothing words.
"Just take me home Annie. I want to sleep." I told her.
"No. No. No going home and no sleeping. I can't trust you to be by yourself and not pull that same shit you did last time."
It takes seconds for her words to register.
Right. I had attempted suicide after Mitchell broke up with me for the second, last time. I voluntarily overdosed on benzodiazepines. Annie came and found me sprawled and unconscious on the floor. She rushed me to the hospital. I was in a really deep sleep that felt like being trapped in my own body. Inside that, I could hear Annie crying and begging me to stay. My mother also. It wasn't a pleasant experience. I won't repeat it.
"I am not fine. But trust me, I won't try that again."
She wore a tight frown. "You really expect me to believe that again? You wouldn't be here alive right now if I hadn't forgotten to put a condom in my bag that day.
We should both live long enough to have children and be godmothers to each other's kids. Your girl, and my boy—vice versa, will get married and we'll be awesome in-laws. Don't you want that?" I manage to smile at her ridiculous plan. We argue over that whenever she brings it up. I find it cringe. Who betroth their kids before they are even born? What if we both have girl children?What if we grow apart from each other? What if I don't have kids at all? I am not so keen on having kids. The last thing I want on this God's green earth is being a non-existent parent to an unfortunate soul like my mother was to me.
"You are smiling now." Annie said softly. "That is good. But I need you to dress up and go with me back to that nightclub."
"No. No. No. No." I hold up my hand in plain refusal.
"Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes." She dramatically interjects. Here comes argument.
"You know I hate nightclubs, and alcohol and loud music. I am never in the mood for that. Me being like this makes it even worse." I state.
"I know. But trust me when I say that that is exactly what you need right now.
Abandon the crying and mopping for just tonight and weep in a different way." She suggests with a sly smile. "There are so many hot guys at Cherry's nightclub. We should go find one who would make your pussy cry instead of your pretty eyes." She winks at the end of her statement.
"You are not serious."
"Oh, I am." She nods severally.
When Annie sets her mind on something, she doesn't take it away until she accomplishes it. I know that very well about her. Now I am at our apartment—not laying in bed and soaking my pillow with tears like I should. But standing in front of the mirror with Annie doing her makeup thing. The mascara and eye shadow she applied gives me a smoky feline look. She hands me one of her short, slip dresses to put on. I was reluctant but I wear it anyway. She had initially bought it for me as a birthday present. But I turned it down because it was not me. It wasn't my style. But now I am wearing it since I don't have anything close to party outfits. Seeing myself in it now makes me regret and mull over why I turned it down in the first place. Whenever I wore a gown with an high slit or try to dress sexy, I am told that it doesn't suit me. There was one time that I went with Neil to a charity gala hosted by the company he works in. I accompanied him in a beautiful evening dress that costs almost twice my salary. It was navy blue and a little revealing. Neil didn't like it. He hated that other men were leering at me. I took it as him being sweet and jealous because he loves me. I tried giving the dress to Anine but she didn't have it. I didn't want to keep it either. I sold online at a cheap price.
I remember those days when my mom would take me out shopping for new clothes. I would set my eyes on beautiful and edgy outfits that I saw most of my peers wore. But mom would go ahead to get me those dull and princess like clothes. When I voice out my disagreement, she would tell me, "Those aren't your style dear. These are more like you."
I believed her. I grew in it.