As I had already told myself, my 11th standard had begun, and slowly, months started passing. But this phase of my life was nothing like before. Everything felt heavier, more serious, and more demanding. I had joined my coaching classes one month late because I was at my maasi's house during that time, and by the time I came back, everything had already started. Syllabus had moved ahead, chapters were already completed, and tests had begun. From the very beginning, I knew I was behind.😩🤯
At first, I tried to stay positive. I told myself, "It's okay, I can manage this. I'll cover everything."It sounded simple in my head. But reality was different.
NEET preparation was not easy.😶
Becoming a doctor was not easy.😶🌫️
And for the first time, I truly understood the meaning of competition.📑
Every day felt like a race. Lectures, notes, assignments, tests—it never stopped. No matter how much I studied, it always felt less. I had so many backlogs to complete, and every time I tried to catch up, something new got added.
In my coaching classes, there were two of my school friends as well. They had joined from the beginning, so they were already ahead. Their concepts were clear, their test scores were good, and slowly I started comparing myself with them.
At first, it didn't bother me much. But as time passed, it started affecting me.
Because no matter how much effort I put in, my test results were not improving the way I wanted.
I tried harder.
Studied longer.
Sacrificed breaks.
Ignored distractions.
But still… the marks didn't match my expectations.
Out of all the tests in 11th, only a few went well. The rest… were just average or below what I hoped for. And every time I saw my marks, I felt a little disappointed. Not because I didn't try—but because I knew I could do better, and somehow I wasn't able to reach there.
That phase was tough.
Mentally more than physically.
Because it wasn't just about studying anymore—it was about believing in myself.
---
At the same time, life outside studies was still moving.
Festivals came.
Celebrations happened.
People around me were enjoying, smiling, living normally.🎊🌟
And I was also a part of it… but not completely.
Because somewhere, a part of me was still stuck in the past.
Him.❤️
I don't know why.
Even after everything… even after so much time… that one moment, that one feeling of love at first sight, never really left me.
It wasn't as intense as before.
Not as distracting.
But it was still there.
Silent.
Soft.
Unspoken.
Sometimes in between studying, sometimes while listening to songs, sometimes randomly—I used to think about him. About everything that happened. About everything that never happened.
And no matter how much I tried to ignore it, I couldn't completely erase it.
Maybe some feelings are like that.
They don't disturb you all the time…
But they never fully go away.
---✨🤧
Days passed.
Weeks passed.
And before I even realized… 11th was coming to an end.
Time moved fast.
Faster than I expected.
And somewhere in between all this… I changed.
I became more serious.
More focused.
More quiet.
Less emotional on the outside… but stronger on the inside.
---
And then, I made a decision.
A big one.
Something that I knew would change everything again.
I decided to change my coaching shift.
From evening… to morning.
It might sound simple to someone else, but for me, it was a huge step.
Because it didn't just mean changing timing.
It meant changing my entire routine.
My comfort zone.
My environment.
Even my circle.
My friends.
Everything.
I knew that if I wanted to truly focus on my dream, I had to make sacrifices.
And this was one of them.
So I did it.
---
After shifting to the morning batch, everything felt new again.
New students.
New atmosphere.
New schedule.
And slowly, I started distancing myself from everything that could distract me.
I reduced conversations.
Stopped unnecessary interactions.
Even with my friends.
Not because I didn't care…
But because I had a goal now.
A clear one.👀🤞🏻
And I didn't want anything to come in between.
---
At the same time, I made another small but important decision.
I decided to forget him.
Not forcefully.
But slowly.
Naturally.
I thought, "If I focus on my studies, if I stay busy, maybe I'll stop thinking about him."
Aad honestly, it worked… to some extent.
I didn't think about him every day anymore.
I didn't check anything.
I didn't try.
I just let it go… little by little.
---
But life isn't just about one thing.
Not just studies.
Not just memories.
Somewhere in between all this… I found something new.
Something that was completely mine.
I started writing.
My own novel.
At first, it was just a small idea.
A way to express my thoughts.
But slowly… it became more.
It became a part of me.💓
Managing both studies and writing was not easy.
There were days when I felt tired.
Days when I thought of quitting.
Days when everything felt too much.
But still… I continued.
Because both things mattered to me.
My dream… and my passion.
---
And slowly… I started building a new version of myself.
More disciplined.
More focused.
More independent.
A version that was trying to move forward.
Leaving behind everything that once felt important.
---
But life…
has its own way of surprising us.
Just when you think everything is under control…
Just when you believe you have moved on…
Something unexpected happens.
Something that brings everything back.
Or maybe…
changes everything again.
---
As the new routine slowly settled into my life, I started noticing small changes within myself. Waking up early for morning classes was not easy in the beginning. There were days when my alarm rang, and I just wanted to close my eyes again for five more minutes… but those five minutes could turn into an hour, and I knew I couldn't afford that anymore. So, slowly, I trained myself. I started waking up on time, getting ready quietly, and leaving for classes before the world around me had even fully woken up. Those early mornings felt different—calm, silent, and somehow motivating. It felt like I was doing something that not everyone was willing to do, and that thought itself gave me a little strength.💪🏻
In coaching, things were still challenging, but I began to understand them better than before. Concepts that once felt impossible slowly started making sense. I won't say everything became perfect, but there was progress. And that progress, even if it was small, mattered a lot to me. Every time I solved a question correctly, every time I understood a tough topic, I felt a small sense of achievement. It reminded me that I was not stuck—I was moving forward, even if slowly.
There were still bad days. Days when tests didn't go well. Days when I felt like I wasn't doing enough. Days when I compared myself with others again. But the difference now was that I didn't stay in that mindset for too long. I had started learning how to come back. How to sit again, open my books again, and try once more. That was my biggest change.
At home, things also felt different. My parents didn't say much, but I could see their expectations in their eyes. Not in a pressurizing way, but in a hopeful way. And that made me want to do better—not out of fear, but out of love. I wanted to make them proud. I wanted to prove to myself that I could actually achieve something big.
In between all this, my writing became my escape. Whenever I felt overwhelmed, I used to open my notebook or phone and start writing. Sometimes it was about my story, sometimes about random thoughts, sometimes about feelings I couldn't explain to anyone else. Writing gave me a kind of peace that nothing else did. It felt like I was talking to myself, understanding myself better with every line I wrote.
And maybe that's when I realized something important—life is not just about reaching a destination, it's also about surviving the journey. And I was learning how to survive it, one day at a time.
There were moments when I still thought about him, but now those thoughts didn't hurt like before. They felt distant. Like a memory from another chapter of my life. I didn't try to hold on to them, and I didn't try to forcefully forget them either. I just let them come… and go. And maybe that's what healing actually feels like—not forgetting everything, but learning to live without it affecting you the same way.🙂
My circle had become very small now. I didn't talk much, didn't share much, didn't go out much. At times, it felt lonely, but at the same time, it also felt peaceful. I was slowly becoming comfortable with my own company. I started understanding myself more—my strengths, my weaknesses, my limits, and my potential.
Days turned into a routine—classes, study, revision, writing, sleep. It might sound boring to someone else, but for me, it had a purpose. Every single day felt like a step toward something bigger.
And somewhere in between all this discipline and silence… I felt a quiet confidence growing inside me.
Not loud.
Not visible to everyone.
But real.
---
But life has a strange habit.
Just when everything starts feeling stable…
just when you begin to believe that you've figured things out…
it introduces something unexpected.
Something that tests you again.
Or maybe… something that changes your direction completely.
---
And I didn't know it yet…
but very soon…
something was about to enter my life again…
something connected to a part of my past…
something I thought I had already left behind…
and this time…
it wasn't going to be as simple as ignoring it. 💫