A few heavy breaths filled the silence created by that scream, and one look at Tao Hua's expression was enough to tell anyone he was tired. So tired, he couldn't quite grasp his temper, and all of his anger emanated like steam.
Tao Hua was a master at concealing his anger and waiting to be alone, so not often did he ever outwardly outrage. In fact, one could easily write on a sheet of paper the number of times Tao Hua got angry.
Many were when he was younger and inexperienced with the art of dissociation; a child unable to handle the treatment he'd received back in Siyue Town. The others? Most of them happened that very day, ripping apart every thread he'd carefully woven into his coping mechanisms.
He didn't know what to do or how to react, but it wasn't as if his body was giving him any agency either. It acted of its own accord.
Towards this small, fiery Shan Si just stared down at him. He was speechless, but for once, Tao Hua had many words to say in the vacancy of Shan Si's rambles.
"I-I need you to work with me too!" he screamed, his hands firmly placed at his sides, and entire body stiff. In an attempt to remain still, he grasped onto his robe, nearly piercing his own fingers through it. "If you want something specific of me, ASK ME! How am I supposed to help you if you don't give me something to fucking work with! You just ask, ask, ask—no, you take! You keep taking and giving me nothing in return!"
As if hyperventilating, Tao Hua's head cranked lower, staring down at the crystal-ridden mulch. His breath fogged more and more with each quickened breath.
"Nothing! Instead, you trick me, over and over and over again…without giving a shit what it does to me! Do I not look like a person to you?!" His face grew redder and redder with each fuming realization. It seemed he still had a bit of strength left in him, as despite the corners of his lips locked in a frown, he still refused to cry. "My life sucks, it's always fucking sucked! If you just told me your intentions back in A Lan…The Bookstore instead of…ugh! I don't know! Dangle a carrot in front of me, maybe?! All of that is what wasted your time! Not me! The fucking carrot, the string, the stick! What makes you think I wouldn't of said yes to leaving with you?! Was all of that necessary?!"
In between his screaming, Tao Hua nearly ground his teeth to the point of shattering them.
Now, he wasn't quite sure what this would accomplish. This was basically bartering with a kidnapper and treating them as a friend or family. It was quite naive of this small princess, but to assume he was in any place to think rationalizations was also ignorant.
And yet, this kidnapper of his didn't say a word; he just stared at Tao Hua, like a man frozen in time. Of course, he wasn't—that would be absurd thinking. But he was completely taken aback by Tao Hua, that much was true.
Even when the anger dissipated into a weak, tired monologue, Shan Si still didn't know how to respond.
"Everything you said to me this morning—that was the first time anyone has given me a chance to speak without getting angry or throwing mean names my way…for once I felt like living wasn't such a bad thing." Tao Hua's bottom lip quivered, just as his hands relaxed, letting the blue fabric fall back into place. "So why did you have to crush it? That hope of mine? It hurts…when you say all of that was only an act…it hurts me more than you could imagine. It's not fair!"
With a stomp of his foot, a spurt of anger ignited, but it lasted only long enough for him to say, "How is this any different from my father?! It's not fair…what did I do to deserve this treatment?"
That final statement, however, wasn't solely directed at Shan Si, and Shan Si was well aware and capable of reading between the lines and understanding as much. He could only blink a few times in response, watching as Tao Hua fell deeper and deeper into his own muddled despair.
Maybe that's why he couldn't move an inch, only dart his eyes between each and every part of Tao Hua. What stood before Tao Hua was a man who seemed to never face the consequences of his actions; under all assumptions.
And common knowledge stated that these types of people handled such a situation in two completely separate ways. The first was in biting back, and the second was in death.
No one could look down on another if they were dead.
That's when Tao Hua finally realized that what he was saying was, although honest and raw, nothing a hostage should ever say in a situation where he was powerless. So, he shot his head up to look at Shan Si, forgetting the meaning behind breathing. He wasn't sure if it was anxiety or hope; hope was also a naive thing to harbour, he knew it all too well.
"I-I…" The hyperventilation started up again, except it was uneven, as some breaths would be longer and more pronounced, while others sharper and hitched. "I'm sorry."
Fingers twitching, Shan Si first looked at Tao Hua before moving to the ground. He breathlessly laughed a few times, unaware he was doing so. Then, a wildly exasperated smile crossed his face as he reached his hand up, hovering it over his eyes.
So, Tao Hua's entire body vibrated, alerting him as if prey ahead of a predator. He tightened his hands into fists and rapidly repeated, "I'm sorry!"
"Hah—hah. What am I thinking?" Shan Si thought aloud, his body somewhat shifting lopsided. He pressed the hand to his eyes, covering them. Now that Tao Hua had released every bit of anger his tired body could handle, the ache of fear took over the more Shan Si laughed.
But there wasn't any retaliation. No anger, no insults, nothing. In fact, what he said only stunned Tao Hua.
"You're right."
But Tao Hua wasn't sure what Shan Si meant, or what he was right about—it could have been a slew of anything he said. So, he just watched as Shan Si took his index finger and thumb, pressing them against his eyelids.
"You're right." With each circular massage, the corners would wrinkle sharply. Quietly, he repeated, "I'm exactly like Lord Tao. What an awful epiphany."
"I-I…I'm sorry." Tao Hua looked down at his shoes, tracing each scuff and blotch that stained the white fabric. "I'm so sorry."
"No, don't." Shan Si lifted a hand into the air and held it there, waving it a few times, causing Tao Hua to nervously freeze up. His other hand pinched the bridge of his nose, pulling his skin along. "Quit it—stop saying that word. It does neither of us any good."
So, Tao Hua's parted lips sealed shut, but he still refused to look at Shan Si. Intensely, he just stared at the ground, trying to hold back anymore emotions from pouring out pitifully.
"You're exhausted. Dawn is just around the corner." Shan Si lowered his hand just enough to free his eyes. He stared at it before letting it flop to his side, and just as he did that, he turned around and started toward the path. "We'll talk about this matter when you're rested and satiated. Let's go. This forest isn't as kind in the daylight when people are alive."
Tao Hua hesitated, reaching for his sash and fumbling with it a bit. Following along each flowered patterning, he'd quietly respond, so much so that the nearby water spoke louder than he.
"Yes, sir…"
Following behind, Tao Hua stumbled along the crispy ground, the sound of crunching echoing through the forest as he finally caught up with Shan Si. He wasn't sure whether he should stand at his side, or if it was appropriate. In all honesty, Tao Hua felt slightly embarrassed by his earlier vulnerability; therefore, standing behind him was a kind of ideal circumstance, really.
Staring ahead without even a glance in Tao Hua's direction, Shan Si simply said, "Shan Si."
"Sor—um, what?"
"Shan Si, not sir. I gave you my name, so stop addressing me so formally."
"Ah…understood, Shan Si."
And with that, the two ventured through the woods without a word spoken between the two. Only the air of awkwardness and regret, just as Tao Hua would begin to overthink everything said, just as the cold embraced him, its touch unexpected.
Huffing a few exhausted puffs of breath, while trying to sluggishly match Shan Si's pace, Tao Hua just stared down at the ever-changing ground. He watched it quickly transform, dying the further they travelled into that silent woods.
Mostly the foliage—especially the weeds.
Tao Hua could understand the weeds—how they fell victim to each stomp, crumpling into the ground and shrivelling. They were disregarded life, not twice thought about and without a soul to worry about them.
A sad story for something as insignificant and plentiful as weeds; most wouldn't care, and many would call it bothersome. It was better drenched in reeking toxicity than existing.
Glancing back up at Shan Si and staring at his shoulders, his back, and then the sword that stuck at his hip, Tao Hua felt his frame shrink.
He couldn't help but think of himself as the weeds.
Chapter end.