Chapter 38
Seeing this, Ruan Mei's nails sank deep into her palms.
At that moment, she desperately wished Tomomu Kanzaki would release all the resentment and hatred he felt toward his teacher.
But he didn't.
He showed no expression, as if he had stopped thinking entirely. His body gave off no emotional aura, and he remained completely motionless.
Late that night, Tomomu Kanzaki walked with stiff steps to the wine cellar, took every jar of plum blossom brew aged over three years, and returned to the window of the bamboo house.
He sat there mechanically, opened the seal of a wine jar, lifted it, and drank with his head tilted back.
Before he had even finished one jar, he was already showing the signs of being drunk.
But he did not stop. After drinking two jars in a row, a faint smile appeared on his expressionless face, and he slowly stood up.
Ruan Mei had no idea what he would do next, and many guesses flashed through her mind.
But she never expected this.
Tomomu Kanzaki returned to the medical room and stopped in front of the control console.
Without any pause or hesitation, he began writing the same program he had once used.
"No… don't…"
Ruan Mei couldn't help but let out a low, sobbing plea.
But no matter how she pleaded, it was still a memory from the past. It would not stay or change for her.
For Tomomu Kanzaki, he was not only reliving the collapse and despair of more than a hundred and fifty years ago, but also the boundless pain of personally stripping away his own self.
Even now, Ruan Mei still could not see a single trace of resentment or hatred in Tomomu Kanzaki.
Please… say something… anything…?
As if her plea had crossed time, space, and the sea of stars, the young man who had begun stripping his memories lowered his eyes and murmured to himself.
"If only I had never brewed plum blossom wine aged over three years…"
"If only Teacher had never saved my life…"
"If only Teacher… had never picked me up and brought me back…"
"It's all my fault… everything is my fault… I'm the one who made Teacher unhappy…"
Under the light, Tomomu Kanzaki's shadow slowly writhed, eventually shrinking completely into his body.
An aura of absolute isolation and loneliness quietly enveloped him.
Seeing this change, Ruan Mei's pupils suddenly contracted.
She had encountered Pathstriders of a certain faction before and knew what this phenomenon meant.
At this moment, Tomomu Kanzaki had stepped into the shadow of Nihility and become a Self-Extinguisher.
Self-Extinguishers often shared common traits. Their various existential attributes — body, cognition, memory — would all gradually vanish on the journey of self-annihilation.
Some people's skin became like rotten wood, covered in scars and holes.
Some people's endocrine systems began to malfunction. They could no longer distinguish between joy and pain and became numb to everything.
Some lost their memories, some lost their senses.
They seemed to have been deprived of the meaning of life by some existence, only able to see their own figures in dreams and hallucinations, disappearing into a black hole at the end of the horizon.
She had seen such Self-Extinguishers in the clinical cases of the Doctors of Chaos.
Those who had just stepped into the shadow of Nihility usually showed no obvious symptoms and were no different from ordinary people.
Reaching that severe stage would be an irreversible, gradual process.
A thick sense of sorrow appeared at the corners of Ruan Mei's mouth.
How ironic.
Tomomu Kanzaki was dying, but because he was only in the early stages of self-annihilation, his death would not be too gruesome.
But was dying like this any less unsightly?
"It's clearly not your fault…"
It's all Teacher's fault… it's all because of Teacher…
The pain of stripping away memories was just like that year.
But for someone whose heart was already dead, none of it mattered anymore.
While waiting, Tomomu Kanzaki looked up to check the progress, then pulled out a piece of white paper and began writing something.
One note was posted on the control console, reminding himself not to seek out the forgotten memories again.
As for the last one, Ruan Mei could not make out what was written.
Until the memory-stripping progress reached 100 percent and the sealing was complete, Tomomu Kanzaki still hadn't finished writing.
He suddenly froze. The pen in his hand trembled before finally slipping from his fingertips and falling to the floor.
"This is…?"
"Why does my heart feel so uncomfortable…?"
Clutching that piece of paper, he returned to the window and discovered the plum blossom brew on the floor. A strong impulse rose in his heart.
Drink it.
Drink it all.
Before long, not a drop was left.
He took the stringed instrument hanging nearby into his arms and plucked a chaotic melody.
A hint of sweet, metallic blood gradually filled Ruan Mei's mouth.
Drinking plum blossom brew could improve one's mood, even if one drank until completely drunk and unaware of what they were doing.
She already understood this.
But Tomomu Kanzaki's mood did not improve. The notes he plucked were full of loneliness, mourning, and solitary sorrow.
Yes, the power of Nihility.
He was already a Self-Extinguisher. How could he be affected by the special effects of the plum blossom brew?
He continued to pluck the strings tirelessly until his consciousness faded and all movement ceased.
Nowhere to mend the leaking sky, the lowly earth makes this life feel adrift.
The violent curtain of rain combined with the darkness to completely swallow the bamboo house.
Upon waking, Tomomu Kanzaki had forgotten all the old pains, leaving only confusion regarding the mess on the floor.
Ruan Mei thought so too, until she saw what he had written last night and heard the melody he played next.
That melody sounded a bit familiar… that's right!
Ruan Mei looked up abruptly. When she had given Tomomu Kanzaki the stringed instrument, he had played it once.
Only once.
After more than a hundred years, the lyrics were finally completed.
The lyrics and music blended together seamlessly.
Unconsciously, Tomomu Kanzaki's expression became somber and his voice turned deep.
"Autumn arrives, the sound of leaves in the empty courtyard fades. A lonely lamp stays awake, waiting for someone to look back."
"Three years of dreaming memories, yet never speaking out. In the end, unable to escape despair and sorrow, bidding farewell to the vigil…"
"A cup of ardent heart wine down the throat. Where to find a soulmate? My heart is breaking."
"Drunkenly entrusting my obsession to the moon, I ask from afar: do you know?"
"Just one look and the obsession remains. The old years flow like water, and you walk away alone."
"Sighing for a deep love unknown, love is like spilled water, impossible to retrieve…"
"Deep autumn comes again, at the end of the long night. Drinking a whole pot, hoping for an old friend to look back."
"Love has lasted so long, yet I never spoke. Still unable to escape infatuation and old sorrows, bidding farewell to the vigil…"
"A cup of ardent heart wine down the throat. What does the departed one seek? My heart is breaking."
"Drunkenly entrusting my sincerity to the moon, I ask from afar: do you know?"
"Just one thought of mutual understanding is like a curse. Still strangers, I do not see you look back."
"Sighing for a deep love unknown, love has turned into nothingness…"
"A thousand cups of ardent heart wine down the throat. The departed one is hard to find, whose heart is breaking?"
"Drunk, I take the whole world as my vigil. I dare to ask: do you know?"
"In this life, suddenly looking back after waiting through life and death. Are you willing to stay together?"
"Sighing for a deep love now known, love finally ends in holding hands…"
The song ended.
Ruan Mei fell into a deep daze.
Not a single word mentioned it, yet every sentence was about it.
For the first time, she felt that as a human being, she was incomplete.
Her understanding of love might be wrong, or perhaps… it wasn't.
She knew the love of family and the love of a teacher, but she never understood the love from a student.
Even more so, she did not know when she had developed love for Tomomu Kanzaki.
In a trance, her grandmother's blurred words echoed in the depths of her memory.
"Ruan Mei, companionship is the longest confession of love…"