Harry didn't storm out of Snape's private living area, he fled. He fled down the corridor to the Slytherin dorms and hoped like hell that Blaise had thought to grab his cloak last night. He wasn't sure what he'd do if he lost that too.
He burst in their dorm, glanced around at his friends' sleeping forms, and summoned his invisibility cloak.
"Oh thank God," he whispered as the silken cloth flew from behind Blaise's bed curtains straight to Harry's hands.
Harry threw the cloak on over his head and shoulders and set off to the defense corridor. If Lupin could steal his stuff then he'd just steal it back. He got the map fair and square and Lupin had no right to take it from him.
Harry hesitated outside Lupin's office and hoped he'd get lucky twice today and Lupin would be in bed still... or, after Harry checked the time and saw it was half post seven, maybe breakfast.
He took a deep breath and opened the door. If Lupin was in there he'd hear it open no matter how slowly, quietly, or invisibly, Harry opened it.
No sound.
He poked his head in and was relieved to see Lupin wasn't in his office. Harry took a couple steps inside and focused on his magic as hard as he could,
I want the marauders map. Bring me the marauders map.
When nothing immediately happened Harry snarled and pulled harder on his core than he ever had before:
NOW. BRING ME MY MAP NOW. MY DAD MADE IT, I GOT IT FAIR AND SQUARE, LUPIN STOLE IT. NOW.
Harry almost fell over as a rolled up parchment flew in the room behind him and smacked him in the head.
Lupin must have had it with him, he thought with a private smirk he thought as he snagged the map off the floor and darted quickly out of the room.
He turned the map on and studied it until he found the path Fred and George must have used to get in to Hogsmeade. And it was right beside the defense corridor staircase, which made it Harry's lucky break number three of the morning.
Harry went over to the weird humpbacked one-eyed witch statue and watched the map as a tiny Harry Potter dot put out a speech bubble that said "Dissendium." He hoped that was the password and not another weird insult.
"Dissendium," he murmured with his hand on the statue. The humpback slid open and Harry peered inside and saw it was a short drop to what was probably a tunnel. He swung his legs in and dropped right before the opening slid shut.
"Give me a light please," he ordered his magic gently. He didn't want to burn his eyes out if it responded as strongly as it did earlier when he yelled at it. He smiled when a normal sized ball of light sprung to life. It looked like there was only one path through so he turned the map off and tucked it securely back in Draco's jeans he still had on.
Which was kind of gross considering all the things he did yesterday. He thought he probably needed a shower and then scoffed at himself.
You got weak Potter. Twenty four hours without a shower and you're cringing?
Ten year old Harry would laugh at how posh he's gotten since starting at Hogwarts.
Course, ten year old Harry would also never believe how much everything else changed.
Thirteen year old Harry hardly believed it himself sometimes.
Harry walked up to the end of the tunnel and gripped his pocket knife tightly in one hand as he climbed up a short ladder through another trapdoor.
"Fuck," he whispered as the opening of the door immediately set off an alarm in Honeydukes. Harry ran out the front door quickly, thankful for the cloak that kept him hidden since the owners stormed down the shop stairs just as Harry was running out the door.
That was close, he thought as he headed to Rosmerta's pub. Apparently Honeydukes set an alarm of some sort during their off hours.
Which, yeah, maybe he should have considered. Most muggle stores did as well. He'd learned that the hard way when he was younger and trying to steal food and clothes from closed stores.
Harry pulled his cloak off before he went in the Three Broomsticks and immediately looked around for Black.
"Can I help you?" Rosmerta called from behind the bar with a bemused look. "Are you supposed to be here Harry?"
Harry debated for a second before deciding poor orphan Harry would be his best play right now.
"I'm trying to find Black," he sniffled a little for show as he evaded her question. "We were supposed to talk about me living with him this summer... since he's my only real family left... and..." Harry glanced up at the witch through his lashes. "And he said he'd tell me about my Dad... they were best friends you know..."
Harry looked back down at his boots and slumped his shoulders.
C'mon... c'mon....
"Oh, of course dear," Rosmerta cooed. "He's not here, but I can point you towards the place he's staying. He told me he bought a house, guess I know why now, don't I? But he's still staying in his flat until the school year ends." She gave Harry a bright smile which he tried to shyly return. She looked around at the nearly empty pub and gestures towards the door, "I can show you real fast."
"Thank you," Harry said earnestly. "I know you're probably really busy."
"Of course sweetheart," she said in an overly sweet voice. "Sirius is a dear, and he's been talking about you nonstop."
"Really?" Harry asked as he politely held the door open for her. "What's he saying?"
If Black told her anything Harry said to Grim then he'd kill him and take his chances back in London by himself.
"Oh he just brags on and on about you," Rosmerta said as she led Harry towards a cluster of houses in the village. "Talks about how great of a flier you are, how good at magic you are. Honestly I don't think there's ever been a prouder godparent in my pub."
"That's... that's nice of him," Harry said. And it was nice of him. Even if it didn't make any sense. Harry hadn't really given Black much reason to like him.
"Sirius is a good man," Rosmerta carried on. "He's made some mistakes but overall he's a good man."
Harry hummed noncommittally and let her prattle on as they walked up to a wide brick house.
"He's the door on the left," she said. "He was out late so he might still be asleep, I'd wager you could just go in."
"'Kay, thanks for showing me," Harry said.
"No problem," Rosmerta said cheerfully. "But if anyone comes looking for you I'll have to tell them where you went."
Harry watched as the witch winked at him and strolled away in her sparkling red heels.
Apparently she was a little sharper than he'd given her credit for.
Harry shook his head and squared his shoulders before knocking resolutely on Black's door.
Once.
Twice.
No answer.
Harry shrugged before opening the door and slipping inside quickly. If Black was angry about it then he'd just tell him Rosmerta said he could.
"Black?" he called through an empty entrance room.
Maybe he's still asleep.
Harry carefully walked towards the next door, keeping a tight grip on his knife. He opened the next door and glanced around to what seemed to be a one room flat. There was a small kitchen off to the right side of the room, two doors in the middle where a sofa was situated, and a bed and wardrobe on the left side of the room.
An empty bed.
"Fuck."
He hadn't factored Black not being home when he came to see him.
Harry grimaced at the sink full of dirty plates that were causing a gross smell in the small flat and sat down on the edge of the sofa while he tried to plan his next move.
He wasn't going back to Hogwarts until he knew Snape couldn't force him to go to a hospital or take any pills.
His throat burned when he thought about giving up his house... and summers with Snape... but it was better than becoming some kind of drooling zombie. Those people he'd seen on crazy pills weren't special, they weren't strong- they were just pathetic.
And if Snape thought Harry was going to live like that then he... he wasn't as great as Harry thought he was.
Which was disappointing, but Harry didn't need him. He'd done just fine on his own before Snape and he'd do fine now. Rosmerta said Black was a good guy, and he liked Harry. And if he put a single finger on him then Harry would hurt him.
He didn't need Snape.
Unless... unless maybe Snape apologized? And swore to never bring it up again.
Maybe.
Harry laid back on Black's sofa and closed his eyes as he tried to think through his options.
God he was tired.
Harry hadn't meant to fall asleep and was shocked when he was awoken by a sharp crack of apparition.
"Harry!" Black cried happily, ignoring the way Harry had leapt to his feet with his knife drawn. "What are you doing here pup?"
Harry willed his heart rate to slow back down at his rude awakening.
"Looking for you, aren't I?" Harry rolled the tension out of his shoulders and grit his teeth. "Can I still come stay with you this summer?"
"Yes!" Black cheered and did an odd little jump of joy and Harry let out a relieved sigh. "This'll be great! Do you want to see the house now or let it be a surprise? Probably a surprise," Black continued before Harry could even answer. "That would be better."
"Can my friend Theo stay too?" Harry asked hesitantly. "I told him he could stay with me..."
"Theodore Nott?" Black scrunched his nose for a moment before shaking his head. "Pup his Dad was a Death Eater. Not just any either, he was close mates to Voldemort himself when they were in school."
"So?"
"So that kid was probably raised up in his eyeballs in dark magic," Black said. "He could be dangerous."
"Theo's not dangerous," Harry scowled. "And we're a..." he tried to remember what Susan called her and Harry before. "A package deal! We're a package deal! If Theo can't stay then I won't either."
Harry hoped that Black wanted him badly enough to let Theo stay too. Harry had made a promise and he wouldn't let him stay at his dads house a single night longer.
"Fine," Black waved one hand and then immediately started bouncing around the flat. "He can come too. Oh this will be great! Listen, I know you don't like Moony but I'm hoping you guys can get along because we can all spend all summer together. And I've already got so many plans!"
Harry watched curiously as Black moved around the flat, seemingly purposelessly. He talked quickly about Quidditch matches, the World Cup, and camping, then he'd pick up a plate and start talking about a motorcycle before putting the plate in a new spot it didn't belong.
"Er, you okay?" Harry asked hesitantly. He didn't want Black to agree to let Harry and Theo stay if he was drunk and then change his mind later.
"I'm perfect now!" Black said with a bright smile. "Have you ever been to the States? No of course you haven't," Black scowled. "Damned muggles didn't take you anywhere interesting did they? They're lucky I'm trying to stay out of Azkaban or I'd go talk with them." Black tapped his wand on the kitchen counter then yelped when the dirty dishes started shaking. "Whoops," he laughed. "Happens sometimes. Anyway, what was I saying?"
Harry didn't even get a chance to answer before Black was off on a new topic. This time about vacations maybe? Black was talking too fast for Harry to really follow.
"Are you hungry?"
"What?" Harry hadn't noticed Black had apparently changed topics again. "Oh, er, sure."
He was starving actually. He hadn't really ate much the last couple of days.
"I don't have anything here that's edible but we could go to Rosmerta's and order you lunch," Black peered in his empty cabinets and spoke so quickly Harry barely understood what he had said.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Harry asked, starting to worry that Black was actually drunk or something.
"Right as rain," Black waved his hand as he kept digging through the cabinets. "Hey listen, do you wanna become an animagus?! Because I had a great idea!"
Harry was beginning to regret coming here. There was something wrong with Black. He hadn't acted like this the last few times Harry had been around him. He'd been normal then. And now he was acting...
Acting completely mad.
"I-I should get back to school," Harry said nervously as he carefully moved towards the door. "We can write about this summer, yeah?"
"Don't go!" Black spun around and gave Harry a wide eyed look of surprise. "You can skip classes today!"
"It's Sunday," Harry said slowly. "And it's-" he checked the time. "It's one."
"Even better!" Black laughed. "Hey! What if you played hooky for a few days and we went on a trip?"
"What kind of trip?" Harry asked, curious despite himself.
"Any kind we want!" Black laughed again. "We could take my bike out and go anywhere! We're both free Harry! Free pup! We can go anywhere! Hey! Russia is beautiful in the winters! We could go there!"
Harry grimaced at the impulsive offer. He couldn't go to Russia, or anywhere really.
"I'd get expelled," he said. "Dumbledore would kick me right out."
"No the fuck he wouldn't," Black snarled, his sudden anger startling compared to his previous excitement. "Dumbledore owes you. Owes me too really. And that's what I'll tell him if he says one word."
"I really can't go. I'm sorry," Harry said, more anxious to leave as Black looked mad enough to hex him. "I've got classes."
"Don't go!" Black cried as Harry reached out for the door handle. "We need to make plans! Hold on! Let me grab something to write this all down or I'll forget!" Black laughed and turned back to the kitchen drawers to dig for something. Probably a parchment, but considering his current state Harry wouldn't bet on it.
The moment Black's back was turned Harry grabbed the door handle and sprinted out both sets of doors to the yard as quickly as he could. He threw his cloak back on and just started running.
Black was mad. He was just bouncing around his flat talking and talking and not making any sense.
And he thought he was having great ideas but they weren't. They were mad. Harry couldn't skip school and go to Russia. And they couldn't take a flying motorcycle to the States. They'd be caught and arrested.
He's just excited, Harry reassured himself. That's all.
He slowed down to a walk once he reached the familiar pathway back to Hogwarts and tried to sort his thoughts out.
He's a bit impulsive... but he's not always like this, he thought. Maybe he's just having a weird day?
An episode, a quiet part of his brain whispered.
But Harry was impulsive sometimes. He had days where he had impulsive ideas. He hadn't really thought about playing quidditch when he transfigured those feathers on his arm, did he?
But Black was just rambling. Thought he had some grand plans but they were crazy. He didn't make any sense at all. He wasn't even talking properly.
'Your speech is also markedly worse.'
'Harry you sound mad...'
Harry stopped in the middle of the abandoned path beneath his cloak and felt his breath coming quickly as his heart started to race.
'You do remind me quite a bit of Sirius... He'd get these grand ideas for pranks and plans for the future... Nobody seemed to understand that these weren't just crazy ideas, they were plans and they were amazing and Sirius was a genius for coming up with them.'
But Black wasn't a genius. He was mad.
"Let's play hooky and go to Russia!"
"I'm trying to be an owl! It's a brilliant idea I had!"
'Manic episodes are experienced by intense feelings of euphoria, high energy, decreased need for sleep, increased impulsive behavior, a sense of invincibility, and non-sensical thought patterns.'
Harry started sprinting towards the Hogwarts gates again as his mind began assaulting him with every thing Snape had said to him before that he'd brushed off.
"You need help." "You sound mad."
"It's not your fault, it's an illness."
"You are behaving erratically and impulsively!"
"It's called Manic-Depressive Illness."
When he made it back to Hogwarts grounds, Harry made it as far as the edge of the Black Lake before he sunk to the ground and yanked his cloak off so he could breath properly again.
Black was really mad. Just like Snape said.
Because Snape wasn't a liar.
He was a bastard. A bully sometimes. Stubborn. Rude.
But not a liar.
He said Black was mad, and he is.
He said Harry was mad... 'ill' he said... and...
And... he probably is.
Cissa tried to tell him too, when he was sick ('depressed' his mind whispered) over the summer, didn't she?
And Hermione said his 'mental functioning' was messed up. Because he wasn't sleeping.
And he wasn't eating.
And he was acting just as crazy as Black was.
Because he was.
Crazy.
Like Black.
Harry pulled his knees to his chest and laid his head down on them.
He was just as bad as Black. And the only person who offered to help him, who didn't treat him badly over it, was Snape. Snape who he screamed at. And tried to hurt with his words. And did hurt with his magic.
Snape who was his first friend and helped him when he was new to Hogwarts. Helped him before Hogwarts in fact, when he took him shopping and made sure he didn't look pathetic when he first came to the school.
Snape who kept his secrets and taught him Occlumency to protect his mind from others.
Snape who healed his broken bones and never made him stay in the Hospital Wing.
Snape who's little fox patronus was because he cared about Harry. Cared about him as much as his own mum had apparently.
Who searched for him when he was expelled. And gave him his own house. And became his guardian so Harry never had to go back to Surrey.
Snape who knew he was sick this summer and didn't just get rid of him. He stuck around anyway and kept trying to get Harry to accept his help.
Harry threw it all away.
And he couldn't fix it now.
Snape surely hated him. He'd never forgive Harry for picking Black this morning. Harry certainly wouldn't forgive one of his friends if they went and became friends with Finnigan or Parkinson instead of him.
Which meant Harry was alone, and had a sickness that he had no idea how to fix.
He didn't want to be like Black. He wanted to be like Snape.
Strong. Powerful. Free. Smart.
Someone people listened to and respected. Someone that couldn't be hurt.
Except... except Harry did hurt him.
And now he was right back where he started- alone.
Harry kept his head down as he held back the pathetic tears that were trying to escape. He'd messed up so badly and he had no idea how to fix it. He doubted if it could even be fixed.
"HARRY JAMES POTTER!"
Harry's head snapped up from his knees at the sound of someone screaming at him. He turned slightly and saw Susan, along with all of his other friends, jogging towards him.
"WE HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU!" Susan shouted again with her hands on her hips. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!"
"Hogsmeade," Harry said hoarsely as they all stopped and stood beside him.
"Why were you in Hogsmeade?" Hermione asked.
"Because I'm an idiot," Harry admitted as he put his head back down to his knees.
"Hey." Harry sensed as Susan knelt down beside him and put her hand on his back. "Are you okay?"
"If Fred fucking Weasley hurt you I swear to Merlin I will kill him," Blaise swore.
"No," Harry said with his face buried. "I'm not hurt. I'm just stupid."
"No you aren't," Susan said softly. "What's going on?"
Harry turned his head again and saw all his friends were watching him with curious and pitying looks.
"I don't wanna talk about it," he mumbled. "Just leave me alone for a while, yeah?"
"Wroooong," Susan sang out. "Here's what we're going to do- Hermione and Theo are going to go study because they're swots-"
"Hey!" Hermione and Theo cried out indignantly.
"-Draco and Ron are going to go back to flying," Susan continued. "Blaise is going to go back to bed because he's got a hangover and is being a prat today."
"Am not," Blaise grumbled.
"Neville is going to go with me to go play cards, and Luna is going to stay here with you. Okay?"
Harry shook his head, but apparently her question was actually a demand because everyone else immediately began complying. Luna plopped down beside him, on the opposite side from Susan, and everyone else murmured goodbye's as they split up just like Susan ordered them.
"I'll see you tonight when you're done thinking that you're anything less than the strongest and most brilliant wizard ever," Susan said as she made her way over towards where Neville was waiting. "And when you remember how amazing you are then you'll remember I'm the best friend in the world and you'll come tell me all about why you were in Hogsmeade and why you went to a party with Blaise and not me."
Harry nodded his head and gave her what he hoped was a grateful smile.
As soon as everyone else was gone Luna began stroking his hair in the comforting way he'd gotten used to.
"Is Sirius Black disappointing?" she asked softly, somehow guessing at part of his thoughts.
"He's crazy Lue," Harry said.
He could tell Luna anything. She stayed right by his side when he was dealing with the dementors ('depressed' his mind said again). She stroked his hair and wiped his tears and didn't tell anyone about the nightmares he had or the things he screamed in his sleep.
If there was a better person in the world than Luna Lovegood, Harry hadn't met them.
"He's crazy," he said again. "And... Lue I think so am I."
"Why do you think that?"
"Because..." Harry trailed off as he tried to think of all the reasons Snape gave before. "Because people can't turn themselves in to owls, can they? And they probably can't add gills to themselves without that plant Neville mentioned. And it's not normal to not sleep for more than a week, is it?"
"No Harry," Luna said gently. "It's not."
"So then I'm crazy Lue," Harry admitted in a hoarse whisper. "I don't know what to do."
"You aren't crazy Harry," Luna reassured him softly. "You're sick."
Harry turned his head to look at Luna and saw that she was watching him with her big silver eyes and her lips were pulled back in a gentle smile.
"Sick?" he repeated. "That's what Snape said."
"Did I ever tell you how my mom died?" Luna asked.
Harry shook his head. He knew Luna's mom died, and that she saw it happen and that's why she could see the thestrals, but she never said what happened.
"You would have liked her," Luna said with a fond smile. "She was a quite extraordinary witch. She went to Beauxtbatons when she was a student. She had a Masters in Potions, just like Professor Snape. But then she got sick, and she started experimenting with her potions. She said she heard people in her head telling her to do it. Telling her what to do. And she wasn't careful with her potions, not like I am. And one day, one of her experiments backfired and it killed her."
"And you were with her, yeah?"
"Yes." Luna kept stroking his hair while she talked. "I was with her and she died because she was sick and she wouldn't get help."
"Snape offered to help me," Harry admitted. "And I told him I didn't need him. Said I wanted to live with Black instead."
"Professor Snape won't care about that," Luna said. "He'll want to help you. And I want you to let him. Please, Harry?"
"I can't!" Harry said. "He won't help me Lue, because I fucked up. And I don't know how to fix it because everything feels so horrible right now. And I- I don't think Snape's ever going to talk to me again. I said... I told him I didn't need him, but I think I do," he admitted with a weak sniffle.
Luna grabbed his hand with her free one and held it firmly in her own.
"There's nothing you can't fix Harry," she said gently.
"I don't know how. Tell me how," he pleaded. "Ask the nargles or something, please."
"I don't need the nargles to tell me what you should do," she said with a gentle squeeze to his hand. "All you have to do is go to him. He'll help you. No matter what you said. Professor Snape loves you."
"He's gonna be so mad Lue," Harry said. "I hurt him, burnt his hand. And I said the meanest stuff I could think of."
"And you think he's going to hurt you back," Luna said.
"Course he will. Why wouldn't he?"
Luna grasped Harry's other hand and held them both tightly as she looked in his eyes.
"Professor Snape loves you," she said. Her voice was still as melodic as usual but firmer and more stern now. "He would never hurt you Harry. Never ever."
Harry shook his head. Luna didn't get it. If someone hurt you, you hurt them back. That's the way the world worked. Harry might not know how love worked, didn't know enough about it to even questions Luna's claims that Snape loved him, but he knew how pain worked. And he knew how it felt better to hurt other people when they had hurt you.
"Come on Harry, I'll go with you." Luna got to her feet and tugged gently on Harry's hands to pull him to his feet. "Let's go find Professor Snape."
"'Kay," Harry said quietly, throwing his cloak over himself and Luna so they weren't stopped by anyone in the corridors. The cloak was made a little pointless by Luna's soft singing, but Harry liked to hear her sing so he didn't say anything about it.
He let Luna guide him towards Snape's office while he made some quick decisions in his head. He knew Snape was going to be angry. Probably angrier than Harry had ever seen him before. Snape would think about how Harry hurt him and would hurt Harry back to get even. And...
And Harry would let him. Just this once. Because he'd earned it. He'd take whatever punishment Snape gave him and would just grit his teeth and bear it. He'd done it before, at Surrey when he was being punished and in London when he'd been earning something to eat. So... So Snape could do what he needed to do. And then they'd be even again.
And then Harry would ask him to help him. He'd even break his own rule about asking for things and he'd ask. He'd even fuckin' beg if it meant he didn't end up like Black ever again.
Whatever it took if it meant at the end of it Harry wouldn't be sick anymore.
It will be worth it, he told himself firmly.
"You can go now Lue," he said quietly as he squared his shoulders and prepared himself to knock on Snape's door. He didn't want Luna to get hurt, or have Snape be mad at her, when he went in.
He didn't want her to see him beg either.
"It'll be okay," Luna said with a tight hug. "You'll see."
Harry pulled his cloak off and stared at the door.
Whatever it takes, he told himself firmly as he pictured Black's crazy behavior from earlier. Whatever it takes. Harry took a last deep breath and knocked firmly on Snape's door.