"Mate you look terrible."
Harry shrugged one shoulder.
"Feel terrible," he admitted. "'M sick."
Harry was staring into the fire in the Slytherin common room and missed the glances that Ron, Theo, Hermione, and Luna exchanged.
The rest of their friends had returned home for the holiday break. Susan refused to leave, she skipped the train ride altogether. Her Aunt floo'd to Hogwarts and made her go home only after promising that she could return early on Boxing Day instead of the end of the first week of January with the rest of the students.
"Maybe we should do something today," Hermione suggested.
Harry ignored her.
He didn't want to do anything.
Harry was tired.
Tired of everything.
He was cold.
Tired.
Worthless.
Pathetic.
Weak.
He just wanted to stay by the fire and let his thoughts tear him apart.
He deserved it.
"Wanna play chess?" Theo offered.
"No." Harry pulled the blanket around himself tighter and felt Luna as she readjusted her head on his shoulder.
"Draco left his broom here so we could go flying," Ron said. "I bet Snape could do that thing he did at your place where it would be warm on the field. Wanna go?"
Harry thought about falling from his broom, the voices screaming and crying in his head, the icy plunge towards the dementors as everything went blissfully black.
The horrible feeling when he had to wake back up.
"No."
"Well what do you want to do today Harry?" Hermione asked softly.
Harry looked up at her tone and saw that Ron, Theo, and Hermione were all staring at him with these horrible, pitiful, looks.
They know. They know you're pathetic. They know you're weak.
"I'm going for a walk," Harry said abruptly. He got to his feet and summoned his cloak. "Leave me alone."
"You don't want us to come with you?" Hermione called as Harry forced himself to walk quickly towards the portrait hole.
"No," he said shortly, slamming the door behind him.
He threw his cloak over his head and walked down towards the grounds. He knew his friends were worried about him.
But that was the problem.
He didn't want them to worry about him. If they were worried it meant they thought there was a problem. Which meant they knew. Knew exactly what kind of person he was. And they wouldn't want to be around him then.
People only liked him when he was strong, powerful, confident.
Nobody liked a pathetic, sniveling, disappointment.
Except for Grim.
Harry sped up the closer he got to the edge of the forest.
Grim didn't care if Harry came out and screamed, or cried, or just sat and zoned out, separating himself from any emotion at all.
Grim just put his big head on Harry's lap and barked, sniffed, and panted, as Harry let everything out. And when Harry was lost in his own thoughts, Grim poked at him with his nose when it was nearly dark.
"Grim, c'mere buddy," Harry called softly as he took his cloak off. "I got you some food."
Grim poked his nose out from behind a tree before happily running up to Harry.
"Here you go." Harry pulled the meats and treats out of his bag that Mavis had charmed to keep food fresh so he didn't have to go to the kitchen every day to get food for Grim.
Grim let out a happy woof! and dug into the food.
"Wish I could eat like that," Harry said as he watched Grim dance around happily while he ate. "Everything just tastes the same lately, don't it buddy?"
Grim whined and pushed a chicken leg towards Harry. He gave him as much of a grin as he could muster up at the attempt.
"No thanks Grim, I gotta eat at least a couple bites at dinner or Snape'll be shoving bloody nutrition potions down my throat."
Grim yipped and lolled his tongue out in the way he does when he wants Harry to laugh. Harry tried to give him a consolation smile, but judging from Grim's whine it wasn't a very good one.
"'M sorry buddy, I'm tired," he said softly as he sank down to sit cross legged on the frozen ground.
Grim whined again and cocked his head at Harry. It was times like this that Harry almost felt like he was having a real conversation with him. It was actually the perfect kind of conversation, Harry could say anything and Grim would never be able to repeat it.
"I haven't been sleeping good," he admitted in a hushed voice. "I can't stop all these thoughts, ya know?" Grim bobbed his head in a way that resembled a nod. "And they wake me up at night. My shields don't work. And I'm worried if I push too hard on the shields I'll lose my magic again. Then I'll just be worthless, yeah?"
Grim let out a low whine and shook his head.
"You don't get it buddy, my magic? It's all I have," Harry said quietly. "When my Aunt and Uncle shoved me in that cupboard and I was sore and scared and weak- I still had my magic. I was special. I was strong. It didn't matter that they called me a freak, I knew being a freak was better than not being special."
Grim howled in the way he did sometimes when Harry said something he imagined the dog didn't like. Sometimes talking to Grim was so much like talking to an actual person that Harry could focus on his grey eyes and pretend he wasn't pathetically spilling his life story to a dog.
Grim didn't care though. Grim just let him talk until he didn't feel everything bubbling up anymore. Then Harry scratched his ears, Grim tried to lick his face, and Harry came back the next afternoon ready to share more with the reliable dog.
Harry also took to wandering around Hogwarts beneath his cloak at night, feeling like the ghost he often wished he was.
He was so damned tired.
But he couldn't sleep.
So he slipped out of his bed, carefully making sure he didn't wake Luna who had been sleeping in his bed, usually curled up like a cat, ever since the Quidditch match.
Luna was... was a good person.
Harry's woken up more than once in the last few weeks, screaming, soaked in sweat, panting, and on a few horrible occasions; covered in tears.
Luna never said anything. She held Harry's hand and dried his face then stroked his hair until he calmed down. She didn't bring it up the next morning, or treat Harry like the worthless dirt he was. She just stroked his hair and let him calm down as he matched her breath sounds.
Harry tried clearing his mind before he went to sleep. He took the Dreamless Sleep Potions Mavis brought him. He timed his breathing.
But the 'intrusive thoughts' plagued him night after night.
As much as Harry didn't understand why Luna insisted on sleeping in his bed, he hoped she didn't leave. It was easy to trick himself in to thinking he wasn't alone when Luna was beside him.
She deserves better. They all do.
He knew that. But they were his and he wanted to keep them all to himself.
You got attached. You knew better. 'Never get attached.' What happened to you?
He didn't know. He didn't know how he became this person he didn't recognize when he looked in the mirror. He stopped focusing on just surviving and had tricked himself in to thinking he could plan for a future.
He let himself get weak.
And worthless.
Pathetic.
"Stupid," he muttered as he felt anger rising up in him at himself. "You're. So. Fucking. Stupid." He emphasized each word with a slam of his fist to the stone wall.
He pulled his arm back underneath his cloak and realized with a detached type of understanding that his knuckles were swollen and bleeding.
It made him feel a little more like a real person.
More like who he really was anyway.
Broken and bleeding.
"Worthless. Pathetic. Disgusting. Monster."
Harry slammed his fist in to the wall until he felt a sharp flood of relief as at least one of his fingers broke. He looked at his hand and smiled for the first time in weeks.
Now his hand matched his mind.
"Harry?"
Fuck.
Harry spun around and put his back to the wall and reached for his knife. He hissed through his teeth as his broke fingers screamed at the strain he put on them as he closed them around the knife.
The pain made his mind feel more sharp- so he squeezed the knife harder.
"Harry? I know it's you."
It was Lupin. He had his wand lit and held high as he looked around the area where Harry was invisibly hidden.
"Come on now, you aren't safe out here in the middle of the night like this Harry."
He really hadn't meant to, he'd meant to slip away silently to a different corridor- but he scoffed and Lupin's wand was suddenly aimed right in his face.
"It isn't safe wandering the halls at night," Lupin said.
"It's going to be less safe if you don't get your wand out of my face," Harry spat, feeling energized by the screams coming from his hand.
"I apologize Harry, though I can't really tell it's in your face if you're invisible," Lupin said lightly as he lowered his wand. "Time to come out now, please."
Harry briefly considered saying no. Thought about picking a fist fight with the werewolf. Without magic Harry would be an easy target. He'd have his wand, but Lupin would have brute strength. Lupin could crush Harry's skull with only his fists.
He wondered if Snape would kill Lupin if he did it. Even if Harry provoked him.
He thought he might.
Harry would have done it- it would have been easy. Just throw one punch and hope it triggers Lupin's animal instincts.
But...
But if Lupin controlled himself, then he didn't really want to make getting expelled an annual tradition...
Didn't want to make losing his friends an annual tradition.
Didn't want his decision to be gone to be Dumbledore's instead of his own.
"Fine," he huffed, pulling his head out from under the cloak. "Happy?"
"Not in the slightest," Lupin said with a smile that clashed against his words. "But I am pleased to see your face. The portraits were worried there was a new foul mouthed ghoul haunting the corridors at night."
"And you thought you'd go roaming around to find it?" Harry said with a 'you call this an essay?' Snape sneer.
"I don't sleep much anyway," Lupin admitted easily. "Come along, let's go discuss your punishment in a more private setting."
Harry squeezed the knife in his pocket hard enough that he imagined he could feel the broken bones separating further.
"No."
He would be happy with a fight. If Lupin threw a punch right now, Harry would never tell a soul. Lupin could beat him unconscious and Harry might send him a thank you card for it. But if Lupin got him alone... there were a lot worse things he could do. And Harry couldn't always count on his magic to protect himself when he felt this way.
On edge. On a sharp edge that cut him every time he breathed too deeply.
Lupin glanced down at Harry curiously before his face inexplicably turned bright red.
"Merlin," he muttered. Lupin cleared his throat and looked up at the ceiling.
"I would like to speak with you, away from nosy portraits," he raised his brows pointedly at a nearby portrait. "How can I do that without making you worry about being alone with me?"
"Vow it," Harry said immediately. Snape wouldn't care if Harry bound Lupin. Snape didn't trust him either. "Vow on your life that you aren't going to..." Harry struggled to find the right word. He wanted Lupin to hit him. Wanted a fight so bad he could feel it simmering under his skin, desperately trying to escape. But... but he didn't want to leave Lupin any loopholes.
Lupin took the option right out of Harry's hands.
"I, Remus John Lupin, swear on my life that I only wish to speak with you, Harry James Potter, and will not touch you in any way without your permission."
Harry nodded curtly as he saw the golden strands sinking in to Lupin's wrist.
There goes his opportunity for a fight.
He felt himself sinking back in to his detached feeling of exhaustion.
"Let's go," he mumbled, following alongside Lupin as he made towards his office.
Lupin let them walk in silence until he reached his office door. He stepped inside first and then held the door open for Harry, which made it much easier for Harry to edge through the doorway out of his reach.
Harry hovered near the chair in front of Lupin's desk, unsure what he was supposed to do.
"Have a seat," Lupin offered as he took his own seat. "Sorry my desk is such a mess."
Harry glanced around the desk and saw that it was rather messy. There was a steaming pot of something on one side, along with mugs, parchments, quills, ink pots, books, and wrappers all over the place.
Snape's desk never looked like this.
"'Kay," Harry said hesitantly as he sat on the edge of his seat.
"Before we talk about why it's dangerous to roam the castle in the middle of the night," Lupin gave him a crooked grin, "are you hurt?"
"What?" Harry was caught by surprise. "No. Why would I be?"
Lupin gave him a disbelieving look.
"I'm pretty sure that was your fist hitting the castle walls, wasn't it? Werewolf ears are good for some things you know," he said that last part in a conspiratorial sort of tone that Harry scowled at.
He held his hand up and flexed it, hissing with satisfaction at the clarity that the pain gave him.
"It's fine," he said, tucking his hand in to his robe pocket.
"It's not fine," Lupin disagreed with a small frown. "It's bleeding Harry."
"Can you smell that with your wolf senses?" Harry said rudely.
Drop it. Please. Drop it.
"I can," Lupin said, unflappable. "I can heal it if you don't want to go to Madame Pomfrey, or we could go ask Severus. I'm sure he wouldn't mind waking up to do it real quick."
"No," Harry said quickly. He pulled his hand out and focused as intently as he could on healing it and blinked as the bones shifted back together and the split skin disappeared. "It's fine."
"You're incredibly advanced with your magic," Lupin said in awe. "Did you use a spell to heal that just now?"
"Nope, just thought about it," Harry said.
"Amazing," Lupin said.
"I know."
Lupin chuckled and poured two mugs of whatever it was that was in the steaming pot on his desk.
"Here, have a drink," Lupin slid a mug across the desk to Harry.
Lupin wasn't his friend. He wasn't someone Harry could trust. He didn't even like Lupin. But at this rate, Harry hoped the mug was poison.
"Cheers," Harry mumbled as he took a deep drink.
It didn't taste like poison. It tasted like hot chocolate. Harry could feel it coursing through his body and warming his fingertips as he sipped it. He was still cold as he finished the cup off, but it was a more tolerable coldness.
"More?" Lupin offered with a smile. Harry just shrugged. He did want more, but he wasn't going to ask Lupin for a single thing.
Lupin grabbed a steaming pot off the side of his desk and refilled Harry's mug anyway.
"You've been sick," Lupin said as he leaned back in his seat and watched Harry.
"Yep," Harry replied, even though Lupin hadn't said it like a question.
Lupin cleared his throat lightly.
"You know I get sick quite a bit like you are as well."
Harry gave him an incredulous look as he took another drink.
"You're a werewolf," he said flatly. "I think that's different."
Lupin chuckled, "No. I mean, yes, I'm a werewolf. But I get sick other times as well."
"Congrats," Harry mumbled. He didn't really care about Lupin's immune system.
"The dementors make it worse, don't they?"
Harry glanced up at that and tilted his head as he considered Lupin.
"How'd you know that?" he asked.
Lupin gave him another soft little smile.
"I told you, I get sick quite a bit like how you are now."
"Yeah?" Harry said.
"Yes," Lupin confirmed. "I get cold, and tired, and I stop caring about anything going on. My body aches and I feel miserable."
"Exactly," Harry said, shifting forward. "How d'you heal it?"
"You don't," Lupin said sadly. "It helps, to talk, but it isn't a physical illness and can't be healed like other ones can."
Harry slumped back down in his seat and did his best to scowl at Lupin.
"Just because you're crazy doesn't mean I am," he said.
"Crazy?" Lupin gave him a surprised look. "It isn't a madness Harry, it's depression."
"Which is a mind sickness, right?" Harry said, thinking back on Snape's many, many, speeches about it.
'You sound mad.' 'Have you lost your god damned mind?'
'Harry you're sick.'
'It's called Manic-Depressive Illness and you need help.'
"It is, but that doesn't make a person crazy," Lupin said slowly. "It's a sickness just like a cold or the flu."
"Except it can't be fixed, yeah?"
"It can be minimized," Lupin said. "It doesn't have to always be so crushing."
It was crushing. Harry couldn't have put it in words before now, but he was being crushed.
Crushed by the cold.
Crushed by the uncaring.
Crushed by his thoughts.
"By 'talking'?" Harry scoffed. "No offense, Professor, but I don't think I'd talk to you, would I?"
"Of course you wouldn't," Lupin chuckled, apparently unoffended. "But perhaps your friends? Or Professor Snape? Someone you trust?"
Harry considered it for the briefest of moments. He could. He could go to Snape right now and tell him about all the thoughts he's having. Snape wouldn't laugh at him, he never did. He'd probably even help Harry feel better.
But then he'd know.
He'd know how pathetic Harry is, how weak, how worthless.
He wouldn't want Harry around anymore. He'd find a way to get rid of him.
Everyone does.
"No," Harry said quietly. "I can't."
"I thought you and Severus had no secrets?" Lupin said gently. "I doubt there's anything you can say to him that he wouldn't want to hear."
Harry shrugged and slumped down in his seat.
"You know if you ever wanted to talk with me, I would keep what you said in confidence," Lupin said slowly. Harry gave him an incredulous look. Lupin literally told Snape about his boggart just moments after seeing it.
"I know I let you down before," Lupin said with a sad sort of frown. "But I think you and I have quite a lot in common."
"Am I being punished sir or can I go to bed?" Harry said.
"You're not being punished," Lupin said.
"Brill."
Harry made his way to his feet. Lupin wasn't someone who he could talk to, about anything. He didn't have anything in common with Lupin.
Harry was reaching for the doorknob when Lupin caught his attention.
"I'm a monster," Lupin blurted out. Harry turned around and raised his brows at him.
"Once a month, every month, for the rest of my life; I turn in to an actual, horrifying, terrible monster," Lupin said. "I don't get close to people anymore because what's the point? They'll find out what I am and they'll be disgusted and they'll regret ever meeting me. You're worried Severus would be disgusted at your thoughts, that he'd think you're a monster? I don't think he would Harry."
Harry wasn't sure how Lupin had guessed so accurately at a hidden part of his thoughts, but he didn't like it.
Lupin didn't get to know anything private about him. Never again.
"You think being a werewolf makes you a monster?" Harry asked.
"Wouldn't you?" Lupin said. His eyes had a desperate sort of sadness in them that Harry thought was pathetic.
You're the pathetic one, his mind reminded him. Pathetic and weak.
Harry desperately tried to ignore the memories his mind was pulling up. The ones he heard when the dementors got too close.
He wished he had just put a glamor on his hand instead of healing it. The pain would be an excellent distraction.
"You didn't choose to be a werewolf, did you?" Harry said after refocusing back on the conversation.
Get away from Lupin.
Then you can drown in the thoughts.
"The wolf doesn't make you a monster. All the other stuff you did, or didn't do, that makes you a monster," Harry said, his voice flat and dull and matter of fact. "Just like the things I did make me one."
"You aren't a monster Harry," Lupin said softly, his eyes looking even sadder now.
'Sentimental fool' a little voice that sounded like Snape sneered in his head.
Harry shook his head at Lupin's open vulnerability.
Vulnerability was a weakness. You can't show it to other people.
"'Kay," he said, opening the door to leave. Harry stepped quickly out of Lupin's office before the man could try some sort of weird 'bonding' type thing again. He pulled his cloak back on and resumed his previous wanderings.
Lupin didn't know him. Didn't know what it was like in Harry's mind.
Even if he had guessed quite a bit dead on.
'I don't get close to people anymore because what's the point? They'll find out what I am and they'll be disgusted and they'll regret ever meeting me. You're worried Severus would be disgusted at your thoughts, that he'd think you're a monster?'
Harry didn't let his guard down around most people. Snape, Susan, and Luna were really the only exceptions. They were the only ones who proved they'd liked him for more than just his power.
'I am proud of you.' 'I love you Harry.'
'You're not worthless either.'
But if they really knew him, knew what it was like inside his head? They'd be disgusted. They'd know how broken and worthless he really is and they'd leave him.
And he'd be alone again.
Despite Lupin's warnings not to wander the corridors alone at night- Harry continued to wander.
Sometimes he just walked, lost in his own thoughts.
Some times he found an empty classroom and put up privacy wards before punching the wall until his knuckles split and his bones rebroke.
Some times he thought about what he would do if he saw Sirius Black at night.
He considered just letting Black kill him. Then the decision wouldn't be his and he could be done. But he knew, even as detached as he felt from everything right now, when he went out- he'd go out on his own terms. If Black had the misfortune of finding him during his strolls in the dark castle, then Harry would kill him.
And then he'd decide what to do with himself.
Harry woke up early one morning to an incessant poking in his side, only hours after slipping back in his bed.
"Good morning," Luna said with a bright smile, her hair mussed from where she must have just woken up. "Merry Christmas Harry."
"Merry Christmas Lue," Harry mumbled, yanking the quilt back over his head. "I'm sleeping."
"No you're opening presents," Luna said, pulling the quilt off him. "Please? I got you something."
Harry opened his eyes and saw that Luna was giving him a shy smile.
"Lue I'm tired," he said quietly, trying to not wake up Ron, Theo, or Hermione who had been sleeping in Draco's empty bed since he left.
"You're going to feel tired until you find a reason not to," Luna said, making no sense at all. "We can open gifts, then you need a shower, and then we can go get snacks and sit in the common room."
Harry felt himself blush faintly at the reminder that he needed a shower. He knew he needed one, but every time he thought about the effort it would take he changed his mind.
"You can sleep in Blaise's bed, or your own," he mumbled. "You don't have to sleep in mine every night."
"Of course I do," Luna said airily. "Your bed is the warmest."
Harry shook his head at her odd answer. His bed was the coldest. He woke up every morning feeling as if he'd never be warm again.
"Here," Luna thrust a large lumpy package wrapped in sparkling golden paper in his hands. "Open this one first."
Harry sighed and summoned Luna's gift out from his trunk. The quicker he did this the quicker she might let him lay back down.
"Here," he handed her his.
He carefully unwrapped the package and pulled out the softest, and most colorful, blanket he'd ever seen before in his life.
"Merlin Lue," he breathed. "Did you make this?" The blanket was made up of about fifty different colors of yarn and was big enough that he could probably cover his bed and the bed beside him with it.
"I did," she grinned at him before opening hers. "Harry, it's beautiful!" Luna sighed, pulling the necklace out of the box it came in. She held it up and admired the golden chain with the golden moon attached to it.
"Moons are very lucky you know. Thank you," she smiled a huge smile at him before holding it out- "Will you help me?"
Harry carefully grabbed the delicate chain and worked to clasp it behind her neck.
"Done," he said once he finally got the tiny thing clasped.
"Open this next," Luna said, handing him another package from a pile he hadn't noticed at the foot of his bed.
"Fine." Harry pushed his glasses up and rubbed wearily at his eyes. He snagged the giant homemade blanket Luna made and wrapped it around his shoulders tightly. He thought she must have used magic to make it because it felt warmer than other blankets usually did.
He didn't deserve her to spend her time and magic on a gift for him.
Harry was opening a box of silver throwing stars from Mister Malfoy and Cissa when the other kids in the room started waking up.
"Oi!" Ron said with a big smile. "Merry Christmas!"
Theo, Hermione, and Luna returned his sentiment while Harry struggled to give him a half-hearted smile in his direction. Everyone began opening their presents. Ron, Theo and Hermione were chatting away happily while Harry opened his wearily as Luna handed them to him between opening her own gifts.
"Ooh, Harry! This is gorgeous!"
Harry glanced up at the sound of his name and saw Hermione was holding up the golden necklace with the little book charm on it that he had gotten her.
"Thank you," she beamed at him, her brown eyes warm and happy.
"Welcome Mione," he said quietly.
"You bought my girlfriend a necklace?" Theo asked, his voice choked.
Harry looked up again and saw that Theo was giving him an odd sort of look and Hermione was now glaring at Theo with obvious irritation.
Harry flexed his right hand and felt his shoulders release a small amount of tension as he felt the ache in his swollen and split knuckles under their glamor.
"Yeah?" Harry glanced at Ron who frowned and shrugged. "I got Luna and Susan each one too."
"Oh. You did?" Theo's cheeks turned pink. "Sorry," he mumbled.
"Idiot," Hermione hissed at Theo.
Harry had no idea why Theo cared what Harry bought Hermione or why he was apologizing so he just ignored it. He was too tired to try and puzzle it out.
"Last one, then we can go down in the common room and eat," Luna said softly, handing him a long thin package.
"What's that?" Ron asked, peeking over at Harry's bed now that his was covered in gifts and discarded wrapping paper.
"Dunno," Harry said.
Harry ripped the parcel open and gaped as a magnificent, gleaming broomstick rolled out onto his bedspread. Ron jumped off his bed for a closer look.
"I don't believe it," Ron said in a voice of awe.
It was a Firebolt, identical to the dream broom Harry had gone to see every day in Diagon Alley. Its handle glittered as he picked it up. He could feel it vibrating and let go; it hung in midair, unsupported. His eyes moved from the golden registration number at the top of the handle, right down to the perfectly smooth, streamlined birch twigs that made up the tail.
"Who bought you that?" Ron asked, drawing the attention of Hermione and Theo.
"There's no card," Luna said as she dug through the paper.
Harry suddenly had a memory of Snape promising him a Firebolt over the summer.
'There's a new broom that recently was released to the market, a Firebolt. I would purchase it for you if you would go to one appointment.'
"It was Snape," he said flatly, grabbing the broom and getting to his feet.
"Where you going?" Theo asked at Harry's abrupt movements.
"I'm giving it back," he said.
"What? Why would you do that?" Ron yelped.
"Doesn't matter," Harry muttered. "See you guys later."
Harry stormed in to Snape's office without knocking and slammed the broomstick on his desk.
"I'm not going to a Mind Healer," he said flatly.
"Merry Christmas to you as well," Snape said.
"You can keep this," Harry said with one last look of longing at the broom.
Snape looked down at the broomstick as well then up at Harry with both of his dark brows raised nearly to his hairline.
"Is that a Firebolt?" he said.
Harry just stared silently at him. Snape knew what it was.
"Harry, I did not purchase this for you- was there no tag?" Snape said, gently lifting the broom and looking it over.
"You... you didn't buy it to try and trick me?" Harry asked, his anger melting away just as quickly as it had appeared.
"I would never try and trick you," Snape said, still looking over the broom. "I would be incredibly pleased and proud if you sought out the advice of a Mind Healer, as many others who suffer from Manic-Depressive Illness have before you. But I cannot, and will not, force you to do so."
"Oh." Harry slumped down in the seat in front of Snape's desk.
"Perhaps this was an outrageously generous gift from one of the Malfoy's?" Snape suggested.
"No," Harry said, having no interest in the mystery. "They sent me weapons."
"Of course they did..." Snape muttered darkly while Harry studied his own hands.
"'M gonna go back to my room then, sorry," Harry said quietly as he got to his feet and reached out for the broom.
"Wait- Harry-" Snape put his hand on the broom to stop Harry from taking it. "Stay, please. I'd like to talk to you."
Harry sat back down and rubbed his right knuckles over the edge of the armrest. The hard wooden surface scraped at his knuckles and made the fog in his brain ease back a little.
It was a movement that didn't go unnoticed by Snape.
"Do you have a glamor on more than just your Heir rings?" he said, zeroing his dark eyes on Harry's hand. Harry tucked both hands beneath his legs on the chair, effectively hiding it from Snape's creepy xray gaze.
"No," he lied. "What did you want to talk about?"
Snape stared at him in silence as Harry focused on the clock on the wall behind him.
"Firstly, I would like to express my concern that you are concealing something from me on your hand," he said slowly.
"Noted," Harry said, squeezing his hidden hand tightly.
Snape sighed and Harry judged it safe to look at him again.
"I would also like to warn you against using this broom until we either find out who sent you such an overly generous gift or I check it for any curses."
Harry nodded absently.
"'Kay."
"Would you like to know why?" Snape asked his face indiscernible.
"Not really, can I go sir?"
"I'm worried about you."
Harry flinched at Snape's soft voice.
"Is that a cause for concern?" Snape asked in the same tone. "That I am worried about you? That I care for your health and happiness?"
"Quit," Harry said.
Snape leaned forward with a curious look on his face.
"I care about you, Harry. You are incredibly important to me. I care about you."
"SHUT UP!" Harry screamed as he jumped to his feet. "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME! SO JUST SHUT. UP!"
"Don't I?" Snape said calmly, still seated at his desk. "What do you believe I don't know about you Harry?"
"ANYTHING!" Harry yelled. He flexed his hand and let the pain feed his anger. "YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME! You think I'm- I'm some good person or someone strong who deserves you to care about them- and I'm not! I'm not! Okay? So just- quit!"
Harry's chest was heaving with his harsh breaths and Snape sat at his desk with his hands calmly folded on the desk in front of him.
"Harry the day I met you I was under no illusions that you were what others would deem a 'good person'," said Snape truthfully. "You are a survivor, and survivors rarely survive without having to commit acts that others would deem to be unethical. This does not make you someone who does not deserve to be cared about. You are strong. And you are who you have been made to be."
"You don't know that," Harry snarled. "You don't know a damn thing about what I deserve. I'm pathetic," he spat. "And everyone knows it!"
"How are you pathetic?" Snape asked.
"How am I pathetic? I'm weak," Harry laughed. "D'you see anyone else falling apart because of a few dementors? D'you call anyone else crazy and say they need help? No. It's just me."
"I do not believe you are crazy," Snape said. "I believe you have an untreated illness that is causing you undue hardship in your life-"
"Bull-"
Snape held up his hand at Harry's interruption and Harry flinched backwards.
"I apologize for startling you," Snape said, lowering his hand slowly. "I, of course, will not strike you Harry."
"You could," Harry offered. "You could hit me right now and I wouldn't tell anyone."
"Would you feel better if I did?" Snape said. "Do you want me to hit you? Start a physical fight with my thirteen year old ward?"
"Yes," Harry said immediately, his skin itching with all the anger and coldness and desperation wanting to escape. "I wouldn't tell anyone, sir. Please."
Snape sounded incredibly tired when he responded.
"Harry, no. I'm not going to hit you."
Harry flexed his hand again.
"Please?"
He knew he sounded pathetic, but he also knew he'd feel better if he could just feel again. Punching the wall helped to clear some of the fog. But an actual fist fight? That would clear it entirely. He was sure of it.
"I will never strike you," Snape said. "Why don't you sit down and we can talk instead?"
"I don't want to talk. I just- I want-"
Harry couldn't even put in to words exactly what he wanted.
To be free. You want to be free.
"I gotta go," he said, backing away quickly to the office door.
"Harry please- I will offer you any deal you would like if you will sit and talk with me for ten minutes," Snape said, his voice laced with something akin to desperation.
Harry paused.
"Will you hit me?"
Snape gave him the most disgustingly pitying look and Harry knew what he was going to say before he even opened his mouth.
"I will offer you anything that does not cause harm to you," he clarified.
"I don't wanna talk," Harry said, pulling his cloak out of his bag. "I'm going for a walk."
"Wait-"
Harry threw the cloak over his head.
Make me silent, he begged his magic as he ran out to the hall, his feet leaving no sound.
"God damnit."
Harry heard Snape swear as he pointlessly chased him in to the hallway.
Harry made a beeline for the main doors, desperate to get outside.
"ARGH!" Harry slammed his fist over, and over, and over in to the tree by the forest. He didn't block the pain out, he invited it in. With each and every strike against the tree, he could feel his mind getting more and more clear.
'I care about you.'
SLAM.
'You are incredibly important to me.'
CRUNCH.
Grim was barking and growling and pulling on Harry's jumper, trying to pull him back.
"QUIT IT!" Harry turned around and screamed as he used his good hand to push Grim's face away from him. Grim cringed backwards, tucking his tail in and letting out a low whine. His grey eyes looked wary and afraid as he backed away from Harry.
Look what you've done. You're a monster.
"No, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Harry felt something breaking inside as he saw the way that Grim was looking at him now.
Grim was a dog. An innocent dog who had done nothing but comfort Harry. And what did Harry do? Scream at him.
You're a monster. You don't deserve to have a dog.
Harry sunk down to the ground and opened his arms wide, now ignoring the sharp stabbing pain in his right hand.
"C'mere buddy, I'm s-sorry, please?" He could feel his lip trembling with his regret as Grim slowly walked towards him, his tail still tucked low.
Harry was as bad as the Dursley's. Grim deserved better.
"Good boy," Harry said as he frantically pet Grim's soft black fur. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He buried his face in Grim's neck as he shivered from the constant chill lingering on the grounds
"I didn't mean it," Harry whispered. "I'm sorry buddy. Please. I'm sorry." Grim pulled his head out of Harry's grip and tentatively licked his cheek.
"I don't deserve you," Harry said. He buried his face back in the crook of Grim's neck and clutched him tightly as he felt the damned weak tears building up again.
"I don't deserve any of it. I don't deserve Snape saying he cares about me. Or Susan saying she loves me. Or Luna stroking my hair at night Grim. I don't deserve it. And I d-don't want to do it anymore," he said. "I don't want to be m-me. I don't w-want to be here."
Grim panted softly as Harry hid his weakness in his soft fur.
"I c-cant tell anyone, what would they think? They'd think I'm w-weak, pathetic, d-disgusting," he sobbed on the last word as he imagined the looks his friends would give him if they saw him right now.
Harry let every negative emotion out as he sat on the ground, crying in to the fur of the one soul that knew him inside and out now.
Once he was done he just sat quietly.
Thinking.
Planning.
"What's the point Grim?" Harry eventually said quietly, cradling his face in Grim's neck. "I don't need to be here to save Theo, someone else could, yeah? Why's that gotta be my problem?"
Grim let out a high pitched whine, as if he could feel Harry's sadness himself.
And maybe he could.
"Don't be like that," Harry stroked his back as he clung to the large dog. "It wouldn't really matter if I wasn't here, would it? Dumbledore'd find a new Voldemort fighter. Snape would have his house back. Draco could be Lord Black like his Dad wants. And I'd be free Grim, free. No more dementors, no more fighting, no more memories or thoughts, no more feeling cold. Snape said dying is the end, and I'm ready."
Grim howled, loudly, and began frantically twisting his head to face Harry. Harry fell back at the dogs movements and Grim started licking his face.
"Don't worry Grim," Harry frowned. "D'you think I'd forget about you? I wouldn't. I won't leave you alone again," Harry whispered as he scratched Grim's ears. "Nobody should be alone, yeah? I'm gonna leave a note and ask Lue if she'll take you in. You-you'll like her buddy, she's the b-best."
Harry buried his face in Grim's fur before he got to his feet and turned back towards the castle.
Grim suddenly went crazy, started barking and pulling on Harry's sleeves.
"Quit," Harry said, yanking his arm away. "You're fine. Good luck Grim." He felt his throat closing a bit as he considered the dog that let Harry pour his soul out and didn't judge him or share his secrets. "I'll-I'll miss you so much." Harry bent down and wrapped his arms around Grim's neck tightly one last time.
Harry slipped his cloak over his head and started walking back towards the castle, firming plans in his mind as he went.
He'd leave a note for Luna. Let her know to come find Grim. And maybe take in Sevvie too if she would. If not, Ron probably would. He didn't have an owl of his own.
He would need to find a way to tell Snape about Theo's Dad first thing tomorrow morning, then there wouldn't be any reason for him to stick around.
He could be free.
***
As soon as Harry put James' old cloak on, Sirius took off towards Hogsmeade as quickly as his four paws would take him.
Not following Harry inside the castle was the hardest thing he'd ever done. But it would do his godson no good if Sirius was kissed before he had an opportunity to find someone to help Harry.
And really, as much as he might not like it, after listening to Harry over the past few months, after seeing what he saw at the Quidditch match- there was only one person Harry had in his life that he trusted completely.
There was only one person Sirius could turn to for help right now.