The second to last day of classes before Christmas break began, Severus had scheduled his last occlumency appointment for the year. Severus knew that Potter would be staying at the castle, as he was himself, but did not want to schedule anything while the child would be enjoying the holiday.
It was, quite likely, the first holiday that Potter would be able to enjoy. A rather troubling thought, considering the child was eleven.
"'M here, sir," came Potters standard greeting, interrupting Severus's maudlin musings over the holiday.
"I am aware, Mister Potter," he responded, as was becoming his own customary and dry response. "Please, come in. Are you prepared for what we will be attempting today?"
"Yes, sir. 'M gonna put my walls up and you're gonna see if you can bust 'em."
"Exactly," Severus agreed. "And have you been practicing at night before you sleep?"
Potter nodded, his green eyes shining with honesty. Potter looked rested enough, clean, perhaps had even began to gain weight from the regular meals.
"Yes sir, and it's helpin' too," Potter said, just on the right side of cheerful. "Been keepin' out 'intrusive thoughts' when 'm sleepin' most nights."
"Excellent." Severus stood and drew his wand out, hoping for proof of Potter's success. "If you are quite prepared then, we shall begin."
He slowly pointed his wand at Potter and whispered,
"Legilimens."
***
Severus admired the blank expanse of darkness that the child created behind his barriers.
There were no floating memories to snag, no emotions coloring his mind, and no thoughts to be overheard.
Severus wondered what the child's mind was like without the barriers… likely a hurricane-riddled area of pure chaos and silent fear.
What the child used to make his walls would be rather telling. The stronger the metal wall, the stronger the fortitude against intrusion.
Severus silently crept over to the edge and saw that Potter had fashioned his mental walls with brick. It was not the absolute strongest, but rather well done for his age.
"I am going to test the strength of your barrier now, Potter," Severus spoke aloud, knowing the child would hear him. "If any thoughts or memories break through then you must focus and repair the walls.
"On the count of three, prepare yourself.
"One... Two... Three."
'Stress,' he suggested to his mind in a silent whisper.
Severus felt the walls immediately crumple beneath his hand with hardly any pressure. As quiet and dark as it had been, Severus was then assaulted by a torrent of memories and thoughts belonging to Potter.
***
Potter, no more than 4 years old, being lashed at by his aunt and thrown into a cupboard by his uncle.
'Freak', he hissed.
Potter withstanding cruel words and blows to his body as he
desperately wished for his family to forget his existence.
Potter running down a sidewalk, weaving in and out of faceless crowds. Someone behind the child shouted for him to stop and he paid them no attention.
'Faster,' Potter's mind whispered to himself, 'don't let them catch you.'
Potter had been clutching a chocolate bar and jar of milk to his chest as if they were his only belongings in this world.
Which, Severus thought, looking at the tattered rags the child wore, they likely were.
'STOP!' Potter's pursuer shouted again.
Potter turned his head to look behind him, briefly faltering in his steps, and it was all it took for a uniformed officer to tackle the small boy.
Severus felt his own ankle twinge in sympathy as Potter's snapped and he whimpered in pain.
Whimpered. That was all. Just one small noise of discomfort lying underneath a fully grown adult man with at least a broken ankle.
'No,' Potter's mind echoed the mental whisper eerily. 'Get out.'
It was an echo of a thought, sinister and infuriated as Potter saw what Severus did.
"Put your walls up if you want me out," Severus told him calmly.
Potter dodging a fist in a fight with a man in an alley only to catch a knife in his calf. The child howled in pain and let out a burst of magic that knocked his attacker unconscious.
Severus was sure that was the very knife he would wager is in the child's pocket in the present moment.
Potter's mind flashed again to a new memory; one with a different tenor to it… the lighting was different, the memory filtered through what Severus sensed to be great distress.
Potter had been thin, filthy, and clearly weak in the new memory. He had been lying on his side in what appeared to be an abandoned alleyway.
Truly, he looked horribly unwell. His face was gaunt, his green eyes appearing even larger than usual. Potter was shivering, wearing only a threadbare shirt and pants that were clearly too large for his skinny frame.
Severus had no doubt that it had been magic itself that kept Potter alive for so long. Who knew what power the boy would wield if he had not been as focused on survival.
"Wanna be warm, wanna be warm," Potter whispered pathetically, occasionally pausing to hack a gut churning coughs.
"Hey kid, you alright?"
Potter picked his head up as a man jogged up to him in his alley. The man's face was strangely distorted in the memory, making it difficult to make out his specific features.
"'M fine," Potter whispered weakly, glaring twice as angrily to compensate. "Go 'way."
"I can't do that, buddy," the man said softly, kneeling down next to Potter. "What's your name?"
"James," Potter lied defiantly. "Now go 'way."
"Don't be like that, James." The man stroked Potters tangled locks, ignoring the child's whimpered flinch when he touched him. "Come with me, love, I can get you a place to stay tonight and some food."
Potter looked at him with such sudden and desperate hope in his eyes that it was painful to witness.
"Yeah?" Potter rasped, too young to see the deceit that Severus sensed was happening. "And ya won't call the cops or nothin?"
The man's mouth came clear after Potter asked him that and the leering smile he gave made Severus's stomach clench.
"No," he crooned, still stroking Potters hair. "It can just be our secret."
The memory blurred there.
Static and chaotic.
Deafeningly loud with absolutely no noise.
Colors so vibrant that it burned Severus's eyes even as he recognized the greyscale that covered the remainder of what played from the memory. Severus could hardly focus on the blurred memory flickering suddenly and rapidly through images. Each changed before he could make them out.
Severus was confident he saw a cheap motel bed though and felt as if he would be sick.
"GET. OUT!"
Severus was abruptly thrown from the child's mind and pushed backwards over his own desk by a powerful wave of magic. Without jumping, Severus quickly rightened himself slowly, eyeing Potter with extreme caution.
Severus would be a fool to believe the child was not incredibly more dangerous in the moment than usual.
Potter was gasping for air and his eyes looked as if there were a fire blazing in them. His hair stood wildly on end, as if electrified. Even the very air around him had a hazy and heated look.
Severus shot off a quick lock and ward to the door - not wanting the child to flee in panic and be loose in the castle in his state.
"Smell the flowers, Potter, come now, inhale. I will count," Severus said in a soothing tone, stepping slowly around his desk towards the child.
"One..." Severus paid no mind to the fact that Potter was still gasping air in through his mouth quickly. "Come now, Potter," he murmured, "breathe in through your nose. Two..."
Severus was unsure if the child could even hear him as lost and wild as his eyes were.
"Harry, I am going to raise my wand to blow wind in your face," Severus said clearly and slowly, raising his voice to try and break through the raw fear and panic.
"Ventus."
Potter's fiery and glazed eyes became slightly sharper after having the warm air hit his face.
Severus maintained his distance.
"Harry, can you hear me?"
It took a moment, then Potter nodded his head in a single and jerky movement.
Severus took a cautious step towards him.
"Do you know where you are?"
Large green eyes flicked confusedly around the room, never settling on any one thing for more than a moment.
"N-no," Potter finally gasped out, his twitching muscles betraying him.
Severus continued speaking calmly, soothingly, "You are at Hogwarts, your school. You are in my office, for our occlumency lesson."
As Severus took another step towards Potter, slow and exaggerated to show him his intentions, the child backed up two steps.
"D-don't come n-near me!" Potter's gaze was slowing down in its erratic flickering, though he still sounded feral. "'M f-fine, just... just d-don't."
Severus nodded and put his wand in his pocket, which ached fiercely to do in a room with such a dangerous child, before he held his empty hands up placatingly.
"I will not hurt you, see? I do not have my wand. Look around, what do you see?"
"Leave me alone," Potter snarled.
"I will," Severus responded calmly. "Tell me what you see first, Harry."
Potter clenched his jaw and slowed his glance to take in the details of the room.
"Clock," he grit out between his teeth. "And uh, books, and jars. Potion jars?"
Some of the heat wave surrounding Potter diminished.
"Very good," Severus soothed in a murmur, his eyes watching Potter for signs of an attack. "What does it smell like in here, in the Potions office, where you are?"
"Dunno."
"Inhale through your nose and focus on what you can smell, do it slowly and release the air back through your mouth."
Severus quickly spoke to the child as one would to a feral animal.
Calming. Soothing. Nonthreatening.
Potter fixed his eyes on Severus's raised hands, as if identifying them as weapons he needed to track, then he inhaled cautiously. Severus was relieved to see the tension in Potter's shoulders recede and his jaw unclench.
"Smells bad." Potter voice sounded weak as he panted from exertion of his own panic. "Like heat and sweat."
It took a Herculean effort on Severus' part to not snort at Potter's simple response. Judging from the flush on the child's face, and the tremors that were shaking his arms, Severus would wager that the smells were coming from Potter himself.
"Excellent job," Severus said evenly. "Do you know where you are?"
"Hogwarts. 'M at Hogwarts."
The child inhaled and exhaled slowly, relieving the last of his tension before abruptly clearing the emotions off his face.
Potter rolled his shoulders twice before looking at Severus. Severus very nearly shuddered to see those emotionless green eyes fixate on his own dark ones.
"'M sorry, sir," Potter said tonelessly, not meaning a syllable of his forced apology. "I dunno what happened."
"You, quite understandably, had an adverse mental reaction to the memories that were pulled through your barriers," Severus said calmly. "It is no bother and nothing to apologize for."
"Yes, sir," Potter nodded.
"Come," Severus deliberately turned his back to the child to show his non-threatening status, and gestured for Potter to follow. "Let's take a break, I can tell you about the first time your mother took me to a concert."
Severus walked to his desk and summoned a tea service, complete with the overly sweet caramel biscuits that Potter tended to eat during his meals.
When Severus sat down, he very nearly smiled to see Potter eagerly approaching his desk, his previously emotionless eyes filling with excitement that was more befitting for a child his age.
"You went to concerts with my mum?" Potter asked as he sat on the edge of his chair.
"I did. In fact every summer prior to our fifth year, your mother would drag me to a concert in muggle London."
"Really?" Potter sounded wistful, thinking of what he would never have undoubtedly. "What ones were her favorites?"
"Oh, easy," Severus laughed as he remembered Lily's favorite band. "The summer before our fifth year, we saw Led Zepplin, a rather famous Muggle rock band, on tour and your mother lost the damn plot when they played on stage."
"Why didn't ya go again after fifth year?" Potter asked curiously, never one to miss a thing.
Severus hesitated as he debated the best way to discuss the matter. Severus knew based on Draco's previous insults towards Miss Granger that his own transgression would not be well received. Lying would be received even less warmly though.
"We had a fight," Severus said carefully. "It was a terrible fight that we never recovered from during our fifth year."
Potter's eyes narrowed, losing some of his prior childlike enthusiasm.
"Did ya hurt her?" he demanded.
"I hurt her feelings, which I believe can oftentimes be worse than a physical blow," Severus clarified.
The child snorted, "I dunno 'bout that, but if ya just said somethin' mean to her why didn't ya apologize and go back to bein' friends?"
Severus studied his fingers as he occluded out memories of his multiple attempts to apologize to Lily.
"I did attempt to make amends. However, we were on two separate paths and our lives took different courses." Severus sighed as he remembered how foolish he'd been. "In the end we had more differences than similarities."
Potter studied him quietly for a few moments. Severus felt as if he were being judged and he rather hoped the scales would tip in his favor.
"You were on a different side of the war," Potter stated quietly.
Not asked. Stated.
Perceptive.
"I was," Severus admitted quietly.
"Why?"
Severus picked his face up and eyed Potter curiously. Nobody ever asked why a person chose the wrong side, those on the right side simply degraded them for doing so.
Potter was, against all odds, rather astonishing.
"I will answer your question if you answer one of mine, as mine is rather personal," Severus offered, seeing a chance to have his own queries shared.
Potter must have weighed his own reluctance to answer questions against his curiosity for his Professor's choice and found his curiosity had won.
"'Kay," he nodded. "'M first though."
"No." Severus smiled lightly, mockingly amused. "I believe you will refuse to answer mine if I allow you to go first."
The child was devious like that.
Severus had not forgotten the question on nightmares that Potter evaded easily while still receiving his potion.
"Fine", Potter sighed petulantly. "Go."
Severus saw the way that the child flattened his palms on the table, and the way his shoulders became strained.
"The last memory I saw," Severus said slowly, keeping an eye on Potters reactions. "Where did he take you from that alleyway?"
Potter's entire body tensed up. Severus waited calmly, breathing evenly and keeping his hands in sight, steepled beneath his chin. He leaned forward slightly in order to hear the response, in case it was whispered.
"Motel," Potter grit out, his face averted and aflame with shame.
Severus spared him from wallowing in his past with his response to the child's previous question.
"I was a half-blood, brilliant but poor. I placed in Slytherin and was surrounded by handsome, rich, successful peers with important families. I was frequently a target for bullying and craved the acceptance of my peers.
"Thus, when one housemate told me of a brilliant man who was revolutionizing the wizarding world and was seeking a potions prodigy, I jumped at the chance to prove myself."
Severus forced himself to look in to Lily Evans's eyes and James Potter's face as he quietly amended, "It remains the single greatest mistake of my life."
That was the truth and Potter seemed to accept it as such. The child lapsed in a thoughtful silence while Severus patiently waited his questions or commands regarding the past.
"D-d'you think good people do bad things sometimes or is it just that bad people that sometimes do good things?" Potter asked back in a stricken voice.
What?
Severus inclined his head as he considered where the child's question had come from.
Slowly, and carefully, Severus responded, "I believe that people are neither fully good nor truly bad. Aside from few exceptions, I would say that most people are grey, in their own way. It is their intentions that determine how their actions should be judged."
Potter nodded gravely.
"I've done bad things too," he said softly, looking down at his clenched fists. "I dunno if my parents would even like me."
Perhaps I will show Albus and Minerva this confession from a 'future dark lord', Severus thought sardonically as his heart ached on Lily's behalf.
"Pot- Harry," he stressed the child's name hoping to be given his full attention. Which he only momentarily regretted - no child's eyes should look that hollow and hopeless.
"You have been fighting for survival for your entire life. You are a child who has never been given a moments rest. The decisions you made while surviving impossible odds do not define you."
For a moment Severus imagined he saw Potters eyes glimmer with unshed tears but the child blinked and it was gone.
"For what it is worth," Severus continued gently, "I believe that your mother - the woman who refused to back down to the Dark Lord - would be immensely proud of the fact you are a survivor. Your parents loved you a great deal. They would like you just as much."
Severus was rewarded for his efforts by a small cynical grin that didn't reach the child's eyes.
"Guess we'll never know, huh?" Potter asked quietly, sad and accepting of his lot in life.
Severus lifted his chin mildly in agreement, in apology.
"Just so, Mister Potter."
And that, for some reason, earned Severus a snort of amusement that did reach Potter's eyes.
"Mister Potter, now? Thought I was Harry earlier?" he drawled.
Severus scoffed, relieved by the return of a lighter conversation. Potter likely was worried the conversation would shift back to his memories, as if Severus had any desire to delve into that.
"Mister Potter is still leagues more polite than the terms I refer to you by mentally," Severus said drily.
That comment actually earned him a more genuine cheeky grin from the child.
"Told ya not to get attached, Professor," Potter taunted him.
"Yes, well, as 'attached' to you as I may be," Severus rolled his eyes, "I believe it is time for us to conclude our meeting tonight. You should continue building your barriers before you go to sleep at night and we can strengthen them after the holidays."
"'Kay." Potter hopped from his chair and Severus was relieved to see that he was moving around the office more casually than he did at the beginning of the year.
Though he faltered when he reached for the door.
"Sir?" Potter asked softly, staring hard at his trainers. "Ya won't... well, ya won't... won't tell anyone what ya saw, will ya?"
Foolish boy.
"Potter, please look at me."
Harry looked up at him, his face newly red from a blush likely born of discomfort.
"Our lessons here are entirely private," Severus assured him. "I would no more spread your memories to others than I believe you would share the information I have confided in you."
Potter searched his face, likely seeking any stray twitch or expression that would brand Severus a liar. After apparently finding none, Potter gave him an uncharacteristic shy smile.
"Thanks, sir. Have a good one."
As soon as Potter disappeared through the door Severus summoned his 'Emergency Bourbon'.
The Gods knew he needed a drink if he did not wish to be thinking of the memories of a small, scared, sickly child all night.
Instead, perhaps Severus should begin to plot how to sway Minerva away from Albus' influence. He also needed to work out where Potter would go during the summer.
Yes. That sounded like the plan.
Drink. Plot.
And to not think of the little boy in an alley; alone, ill, and vulnerable.