Chapter 3: The Training Montage That Wasn't
I woke up on the same haystack. No hangover this time, just a stiff neck and the distinct feeling that a goblin had been watching me sleep.
[System Notification]
Debuff "Hangover (Severe)" has expired.
You are now merely tired, hungry, and emotionally exhausted.
Progress!
"Baby steps," I muttered.
A small green face appeared inches from mine. "Good morning, great hero! Grimble has brought you breakfast! Grimble found a worm! A very fat worm!"
Grimble held up a wriggling pink thing. I stared at it. The worm stared back. It looked as unenthusiastic about the situation as I was.
"Grimble," I said slowly, "I'm going to say this once. I do not eat worms. I do not need a sidekick. And I definitely do not need a goblin watching me sleep."
Grimble's lower lip trembled. His entire body seemed to deflate like a green balloon.
"Grimble will... keep the worm for later," he said, stuffing it into his pocket.
The narrator observed that the worm was still alive. This would become relevant in approximately four chapters.
I found Elara and Varnak at the rickety table outside the tavern. The paladin was sharpening her sword with methodical precision. The spy was drinking something that smelled like burnt leather and regret. Neither looked happy to see me.
"You're late," Elara said without looking up.
"I was having existential dreams about spreadsheets." I sat down on a stool that creaked ominously under my weight. "What's on the agenda?"
Elara set down her whetstone. "Training. You have zero combat skills. Your weapon is a splintered stick. Your armor is a burlap sack. And you claim you're going to fight demon cultists in five days."
Varnak snorted into his mug. "He's going to die."
"I'm not going to die," I said. "I'm going to exploit."
I pulled up my debug menu. A new tab had appeared overnight.
Available Exploits:
1. Cutscene Invincibility (requires triggered dialogue)
2. Quest Skip (bypasses up to 30 chapters of filler)
3. [LOCKED] — Requires Level 10
4. [LOCKED] — The author hasn't coded this yet
"See?" I pointed at the screen, though neither of them could see it. "I don't need training. I need dialogue options and a few well-timed cutscenes."
Elara's eye twitched. To her, Leo was gesturing at empty air again, a habit she was beginning to find deeply unsettling.
"You're insane," she said.
"You've mentioned that. Several times. It's starting to feel less like an observation and more like a catchphrase."
Varnak stood up abruptly. "I'm going to scout the perimeter. Someone should do something useful."
He shadow-stepped away, disappearing into a puff of dark smoke.
The narrator noted that Varnak was not scouting. He was going to buy better ale from a merchant two villages over. But the narrator chose not to reveal this. Some secrets were worth keeping.
Elara sheathed her sword with a click. "Fine. If you won't train, at least explain how you plan to survive."
I leaned back. The stool screamed in protest.
"Okay. Lesson one: Narrative physics. In any story, the protagonist cannot die in the first arc unless the author is writing tragedy. And the author's current mood is 'optimistic.' Check my menu."
Author's Current Mood: Optimistic (down from 100% to 78% after Chapter 2)
"Seventy-eight percent," I said. "That's not zero. But it's also not safe. So lesson two: I need to be entertaining enough that killing me would be bad for business."
Elara's face remained impassive, but internally she was recalculating every decision that had led her to this village.
"You're saying the gods won't let you die because you're... funny?"
"I'm saying the author won't let me die because readers would leave bad reviews. Same thing, different scale."
The narrator coughed. It was the omniscient equivalent of clearing his throat.
"The author would like me to remind you that you are not, in fact, immortal," the narrator murmured to no one in particular. "The author has plans."
I didn't hear the narrator, of course. I was busy checking my stats.
Level: 1
XP: 200/500
Next Level Rewards: +2 Strength, +1 Agility, one (1) skill point
Current Threat Level to Author's Sanity: Moderate
"One more good fight and I level up," I said. "Then I can unlock something useful."
Elara stood. "Then let's find you a fight."
She walked toward the village gate, her armor gleaming in the morning sun.
The narrator watched her go. He knew what awaited them outside the village. He had read the author's outline.
It was not going to be a "good fight."
It was going to be a very, very bad one.
I followed Elara, mostly because staying meant dealing with Grimble, who was now trying to feed his worm to a chicken. The chicken looked offended.
The village of Veridian Vale was small enough that we reached the gate in thirty seconds. Beyond it lay a rolling meadow, a narrow dirt road, and—according to my debug menu—something I really should have checked earlier.
Nearby Hostiles:
- Forest Wolf (Level 3) — 87% chance of appearing within 10 minutes
- [REDACTED] — The author hasn't named this yet
- Angry Badger (Level 2) — 12% chance. Do not underestimate badgers.
"Elara," I said. "What's the policy on running away?"
"The Order of the Radiant Dawn does not run."
"Great. I do. Frequently. It's a core survival strategy."
Elara opened her mouth to respond, but the universe—specifically, the author—had other plans.
A howl echoed across the meadow. Then another. Then three more, in harmony, like a poorly rehearsed boy band.
[Quest Triggered: First Blood]
Objective: Defeat the approaching wolf pack (0/5)
Reward: 300 XP, 1 copper coin, the respect of exactly one (1) villager
Failure: Being eaten. Which would be awkward for everyone.
"Five wolves," I said, reading the quest. "Level three each. I'm level one. You're... what level are you, exactly?"
Elara drew her sword. The blade caught the light and held it. "I don't have levels. I have years of training and divine blessing."
"So... level fifteen?"
"Something like that."
"Okay. New plan. You fight the wolves. I stand here and provide moral support."
Elara didn't dignify that with a response. She charged.
The first wolf lunged. Her sword met it mid-air, a clean arc that sent the beast tumbling into the grass. Dead before it hit the ground.
The narrator nodded approvingly. This was proper fantasy combat. Heroic. Clean. Exactly what readers expected.
Then I opened my debug menu and ruined it.
"Hey, System," I said. "Is there an achievement for killing a wolf without touching it?"
[Searching...]
Achievement found: "Technical Pacifist"
Requirement: Defeat 5 enemies without dealing direct damage.
Reward: 500 bonus XP, hidden title.
I grinned.
"Elara! Don't kill them all! Just... weaken them!"
Elara decapitated a second wolf. "What?"
"Weaken them! I need the last hit!"
She stared at me like I had suggested setting her hair on fire.
"You want me to do all the work and let you take the credit?"
"Welcome to corporate culture," I said. "Now duck."
A third wolf leaped at her back. She spun, slamming it with the flat of her blade. The wolf yelped and landed at my feet, dazed.
[Enemy Status: Weakened — 12% HP remaining]
I raised my splintered wooden sword.
"I'm sorry about this," I told the wolf. "Blame the XP system."
I brought the sword down.
[Victory!]
You have defeated Forest Wolf (Level 3).
Gained 60 XP (bonus: 30 XP for "Last Hit on a Weakened Enemy").
[Achievement Progress: Technical Pacifist — 1/5]
"This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen," I said to no one in particular.
The narrator disagreed. The narrator had once witnessed a hero die because he forgot to tie his shoelaces. This was merely the second-stupidest.
Two more wolves fell to Elara's blade. Each time, she left them alive long enough for me to deliver the final, pathetic blow. My wooden sword was now covered in wolf blood and what looked like splinters from a third wolf's skull.
[Level Up!]
Leonel — Level 1 → Level 3 (skipped Level 2 due to narrative convenience)
Gained: +4 Strength, +2 Agility, +1 Luck
Skill Point Unlocked: 1
Hidden Title Earned: "The Piggyback Hero" — You gain 10% bonus XP when defeating enemies weakened by allies.
"The Piggyback Hero?" I read aloud. "That's insulting."
[The author thought it was funny.]
"Of course he did."
Elara wiped her sword on the grass and sheathed it. She was breathing hard, but her eyes were fixed on me with an intensity that made me take a step back.
"You made me do your work," she said quietly.
"I prefer to call it 'delegation.'"
"You made me do your work, and then you took the credit."
"Welcome to middle management."
Elara's hand hovered over her sword hilt.
The narrator held his breath.
Then, unexpectedly, she laughed. A short, sharp sound, like a bark.
"You're insufferable," she said.
"I've been told."
"But you're also the only person in this village who knew about the cultists. So I'll tolerate you."
She turned and walked back toward the gate.
"For now."
I watched her go, then looked down at my debug menu.
Paladin Approval: 12% → 24%
Note: Laughter indicates progress. But do not push your luck.
[System Patch 1.03 — Deployed Mid-Chapter]
Changes:
- Added "The Piggyback Hero" title (permanent)
- Reduced wolf spawn rate by 50% after player complaint
- Author's note: "I spent two hours designing that wolf fight and Leo cheated. I'm going to bed."
In the black spire, the Demon Lord Malachar received an update.
The hero had survived his first combat encounter. Barely. And only because a paladin had done all the work.
Malachar traced a finger over the map.
"He's not strong," the demon lord murmured. "He's clever. That's worse."
He picked up a quill and began writing a letter. The letter was addressed to someone who did not yet exist in the story—a contingency plan.
The narrator saw the letter's contents.
The narrator went very quiet.
I had no idea any of this was happening. I was too busy trying to stop Grimble from feeding his worm to Elara's horse.
The horse looked deeply unimpressed.
"Grimble," I said, "if that worm touches that horse, I will use my one skill point on something called 'Goblin Repellant.' I don't know if it exists, but I will make the author invent it."
Grimble's eyes went wide.
"Grimble will... put the worm away," he said, stuffing it back into his pocket.
The worm, somehow, was still alive.
The narrator made a mental note: that worm was going to outlive everyone.
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End of Chapter 3
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