Chapter 51: A Symphony of Idiots
The charge of Fairy Tail was less a coordinated military assault and more a chaotic explosion of pure, unadulterated mayhem. They poured through the gaping hole in Phantom Lord's fortress, a tidal wave of righteous fury and questionable battle tactics. The grand hall immediately erupted into a symphony of idiots.
Elfman, his face a mask of manly rage, roared "MAN!" and punched his way clean through a wall to flank a group of Phantom mages. He burst through the other side, only to find himself standing in a brightly lit storage closet filled with frilly pink dresses and sparkly tutus. He froze, his fist still raised, utterly bewildered. A solid three seconds passed before he bellowed, "THESE ARE NOT MANLY AT ALL!" and, ignoring the door, punched his way through the next wall, leaving a trail of destruction and confused silence.
Elsewhere, Cana Alberona casually leaned against a marble pillar, taking a long, satisfying gulp from her personal barrel as a dozen Phantom mages charged her. Without even looking up from her drink, she flicked her wrist. A whirlwind of magical cards erupted around the charging mob, trapping them in a vortex of fluttering paper and bad luck. "Read 'em and weep, boys," she slurred, taking another swig.
At the forefront of the chaos, Natsu and Gajeel finally met. Their collision was a concussive blast of fire and iron that sent lesser mages flying.
"I owe you for my guild hall, Salamander!" Gajeel snarled, his arm morphing into a jagged iron sword.
"You owe me for my friends!" Natsu roared back, his fist wreathed in flame.
They traded blows, a brutal ballet of destruction that shattered stone pillars and bent iron railings. In a fierce clinch, Natsu got a wild, impulsive idea. He leaned forward and took a massive bite out of Gajeel's iron-scaled shoulder. The result was immediate. He recoiled, his face scrunched in disgust, frantically wiping his tongue.
"BLECH! Gross! Tastes like I licked a rusty lamppost!"
Gajeel stared at the bite mark on his arm, then back at Natsu, his expression one of pure, offended arrogance. "You think you're the only one who can eat magic, pretty boy?" he scoffed. "Let me show you how a real Dragon Slayer does it!"
With an air of supreme confidence, Gajeel opened his mouth wide and took a huge, dramatic gulp of the fire still pouring off Natsu's body. The effect was instantaneous and hilarious. His eyes bulged. His entire mouth was instantly blackened with soot, and thick plumes of smoke puffed out of his ears. He dropped his guard completely, frantically fanning his sizzling tongue with his hands.
"YEEEOUCH! HOT! HOT! HOT!" he shrieked, hopping from foot to foot. "What kind of absolute moron eats fire?!"
Natsu just stopped, pointed, and let out a full-bodied, hysterical laugh. "YOU ARE! You're the moron who eats fire! My fire, anyway! Serves you right!" The insult, far more than any physical blow, enraged Gajeel, and he charged back in with a renewed, deeply personal fury.
Meanwhile, Gray found himself in a large, ornate section of the guild where, for no logical reason, it was raining indoors. A somber woman with blue hair descended from a balcony, carried by a column of water.
"An ice mage," Juvia Lockser stated, her voice as melancholic as the rain around her. "My rain will melt your transient creations. You cannot defeat the woman of the water."
"We'll see about that," Gray said, all business. "Ice-Make: Cannon!" He fired a massive blast of ice. Juvia didn't even flinch. Her body simply turned to water, the cannonball passing harmlessly through her before shattering against the far wall. She reformed, her expression unchanged.
"Your attacks are meaningless," she said flatly.
Gray gritted his teeth in frustration. He dodged a volley of high-pressure "Water Slicers," countering with "Ice-Make: Lance," only to see them dissolve on contact with her liquid form. This was annoying. In the heat of the moment, driven by pure habit, he ripped off his shirt, tossing it aside. "Guess I gotta get serious!"
It was at that moment that Juvia, who had been focused entirely on the fight, saw his bare, sculpted torso for the first time. She stopped mid-attack. The torrential downpour around her lessened to a gentle drizzle. A faint, rosy blush appeared on her cheeks, a stark contrast to her pale skin. Her inner monologue, previously silent, roared to life: Oh... my... What a sculpted... form... The droplets of water... they cling to him so... beautifully...
Gray noticed her sudden pause, seeing an opening. "What's wrong? Run out of water?" he taunted.
Juvia snapped back to reality, completely flustered. The rain around her instantly intensified, now driven by a storm of confused emotion. "Do not mock Juvia!" she yelled, her use of the third person a sign of her agitation. "Water Nebula!" she screamed, unleashing a vortex of water that was powerful, but noticeably less focused than before. The seed of infatuation had been planted, and it was already starting to sprout in the most inconvenient way possible.
In another part of the fortress, Erza and Lucy burst into a vast, library-like chamber. A figure rose from the floor, a man in garish robes with a ridiculous grin. "Pappapapapapa! Oh la la!" cackled Sol of the Earth. He snapped his fingers, and Lucy's legs were instantly encased in solid rock. "What a fine specimen! A beautiful blonde flower! I can tell your measurements are—"
He never got to finish. Erza, her face a mask of pure, undiluted annoyance, had already requipped. "Requip: The Purgatory Armor!" The demonic, black armor, bristling with spikes, was one of her most terrifying.
Sol froze, his creepy monologue dying in his throat. "Non, non, non!" he stammered, his confidence evaporating. "That is not a beautiful flower! That is a very scary weed! A weed of doom!"
Erza didn't waste time on a speech. She took one heavy step forward. The sheer pressure of her magical aura caused the rock around Lucy's legs to crack and crumble away. She gave Sol one clean, efficient, non-lethal smackdown with the back of her gauntlet that sent him flying headfirst into a bookshelf, which then toppled over like a domino.
"Less monologuing. More fighting," she stated flatly, already turning to find the next opponent.
Deep within the fortress, in a dark, opulent chamber far from the chaos, Aria sat meditating. The blindfolded man, considered the strongest of the Element 4, sensed a presence. "So, you have come," he said dramatically, tears of what looked like blood trickling from under his silk blindfold. "You feel the sorrow, don't you? The emptiness of this world. My Airspace will drain you of all hope, all energy, all life..."
Mew floated silently in the air before him, tilting its head with a curious "Mew?".
Aria unleashed his magic. The air grew heavy, a tangible pressure that leeched magical and physical energy. It was a terrifying, soul-crushing power that had defeated countless powerful mages. Mew... let out a tiny, squeaky yawn. It then proceeded to scratch behind its ear with its foot, completely and utterly unaffected.
Aria was stunned. "What?! Impossible! Why do you not despair?!" He stood, gathering his power for his ultimate attack. "Then feel the ultimate sorrow! The sorrow of non-existence! Zetsu!" A vortex of pure nothingness, a swirling void that erased all it touched, flew directly at Mew.
Mew vanished. Aria looked around, confused. He felt a tiny tap on his shoulder. He spun around. Mew was floating right behind him, its eyes twinkling with mischief, one tiny paw extended.
A psychic whisper, borrowing a phrase from an ancient, sacred text of animation, echoed directly in Aria's mind:
Mew gently booped him on the nose.
Aria's eyes went wide. They crossed, then turned into comical white swirls. He teetered backward and fell to the floor, completely unconscious, a tiny puff of "sorrow" escaping his lips like a sigh. Mew looked at the unconscious S-Class mage, then at its own paw, shrugged, and phased through the ceiling to see who else needed a dose of anti-climax.
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