We all just stood there. No one moved.
The silence stretched out so long that it became physically uncomfortable.
Finally, Takaba clapped his hands together once and stepped forward dramatically.
"Young girl," he declared, pointing at me like a stage actor, "I will help you!"
He puffed out his chest.
"I am thirty-five this year. At my age, I can tell whether someone is a good person or a bad person just by looking at their face."
Then he suddenly leaned forward and stared directly into my eyes.
Not even blinking, pure staring. I thought this was a stare contest, so I stared back at him.
For several seconds.
"What?" I asked, starting to feel weird about it.
He straightened up immediately.
"You are evil," he said bluntly. "You have a bad look on your face."
I stared at him.
Then I placed both hands together and formed a heart shape in front of my chest.
"This is slander," I replied dramatically. "How could I, a cute girl like me, possibly be evil?"
I even tilted my head and did a few exaggerated idol poses.
Behind Takaba, Reggie, and Hazenoki were staring at me like I had lost my mind.
Which, to be fair, was understandable.
I had just broken into their base, killed one of their allies, blown up half their apartment, and tried to murder them ten minutes ago.
So my "cute girl innocence" argument probably wasn't convincing.
"You!!!" Hazenoki shouted, pointing at me angrily.
By now his arm had already regenerated, which was honestly annoying.
Before he could say anything else, Takaba suddenly waved a hand dismissively.
"Whatever!" he declared. "I use a relative grading scale! Just like schools!"
"I blinked. Thats... not how it works," I murmured
While he was talking, I noticed something strange.
Takaba was basically half-naked.
Just standing there in front of everyone.
I stared at his back.
Honestly… does this man have no shame?
Standing half-naked in front of a cute girl like me?
…Wait.
Since when did I start thinking of myself as a cute girl?
I paused.
Ah, whatever.
At least Takaba was technically on our side.
Reggie leaned slightly toward Hazenoki.
"What do you make of him?" he asked quietly.
Hazenoki scratched his chin.
"I don't know him," he admitted. "It would be faster to ask."
Then he stepped forward.
"Oi," he called out. "Which type are you?"
Takaba froze.
His face slowly changed expression as his brain tried to process the question.
Then suddenly his eyes lit up.
"I see!" he said.
"You're asking if I'm funny or not, aren't you?!"
He struck several dramatic poses in rapid succession.
Yeah… his humor really wasn't for me.
For half a second, I considered introducing him to dark humor.
Then I immediately rejected that idea.
He would probably break reality if he understood that kind of comedy.
Hazenoki rubbed his forehead.
"That's not what I meant. I'm asking which era you—"
But Takaba loudly interrupted him.
"The costume I am wearing," he declared proudly, striking another pose, "is modeled after a hero!"
"The hero who made me laugh my guts out!"
He clenched his fists.
"So to honor this costume… I cannot let my jokes fall flat!"
He suddenly pointed at me.
"I just came up with a gag! I will use it on your sweetheart!"
Hazenoki and Reggie immediately tensed up.
They thought he was about to attack.
Meanwhile, I froze. I knew the joke.
Should I say it first?
The thought appeared in my mind like a devil whispering into my ear.
The urge was overwhelming.
Before I could stop myself, I suddenly stepped forward and struck a dramatic pose.
"I DON'T WANT YOU AS MY WI-FI!"
Silence.
Complete silence.
Reggie and Hazenoki stared at me with utterly dead expressions.
Their faces clearly said:
We risked our lives for... this?
I kept holding the pose.
Then I noticed something.
Takaba had fallen to his knees.
"…Huh…?"
He was trembling.
Then he started sobbing.
Wait.
What?
Did I break him?
"Did I just screw up?" I muttered quietly.
Reggie and Hazenoki slowly looked between the two of us with blank expressions.
Takaba suddenly stood up again.
Then he walked toward me.
Slowly.
Very seriously.
He placed both hands on my shoulders.
He was easily thirty centimeters taller than me, so I had to look up.
His eyes were shining with emotion.
"Are you…" He whispered dramatically.
"…my long-lost daughter?"
I blinked.
What?
"I'm so happy," he continued, his voice shaking. "No audience member has ever predicted my joke before it landed!"
He squeezed my shoulders.
"You… you are my long-lost daughter!"
And then—
His cursed technique activated.
Suddenly, the world changed.
I was a baby.
A literal baby.
"What the f—"
My voice came out as baby noises.
There was a twenty-year-old woman holding me.
I looked up.
Takaba, but younger, was walking toward us.
"Honey…" young Takaba said softly.
"Our daughter is quite pretty."
The red-haired woman holding me smiled warmly and played with my hair.
"Her little red hair… and her green eyes…" she said happily. "How lucky we are."
I stared at my tiny baby hands.
What the hell is going on?
Then Reggie and Hazenoki walked into the scene.
Both of them looked… wrong.
Their bodies moved normally, but their eyes were shaking violently.
Like they knew something was terribly off.
Reggie forced a smile.
"Congratulations on your daughter, Takaba-san," he said stiffly.
I looked closer at his eyes.
They were darting around like he was trying to escape a nightmare.
Takaba bowed repeatedly.
"Thank you! Thank you!"
"My little girl is too cute…"
He gently brushed my baby hair aside.
Hazenoki stepped forward and suddenly handed Takaba a thick stack of cash.
"I know your family is struggling," he said awkwardly. "Use this for her education."
Takaba nodded gratefully.
"Thank you… thank you…"
He lifted baby-me closer to his face.
"My girl… I will take care of you."
"You are the only one who understands me."
"The only one with a good sense of humor."
Then he pressed his face against mine.
"We will go on comedy shows together!"
"You will be my long-awaited partner in crime!"
He started rubbing his face against my baby cheeks.
I snapped.
"OKAY ENOUGH!"
The illusion shattered.
Reggie, Hazenoki, and I all stumbled forward at the same time.
Takaba stared at me with watery eyes.
"My… my daughter…"
"My baby girl…"
"My long-lost daughter…"
He slowly reached toward me.
Alright. This was getting creepy.
I slowly backed away.
Behind me, Reggie and Hazenoki were also quietly retreating.
Takaba noticed.
"No!!! Don't leave!"
He dramatically collapsed onto the ground.
"What will I do without you?!"
Reggie, Hazenoki, and I exchanged a silent look.
We all reached the exact same conclusion.
Without saying a word—
We turned and ran.
Behind us, Takaba screamed.
"NOOO!!!"
"Is this the phase where teenage girls rebel against their fathers?!"
"You are escaping with your friends?!"
"I WILL NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!"
Then he started chasing us.
And...
That was even more terrifying than fighting him.
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End of the chapter