Harry noticed that he, Luna, and Hermione were being trailed shortly after they had left the Leaky Cauldron. The witch that was following them was as stealthy and graceful as a giant with a clubfoot suffering from a massive and debilitating hangover.
The witch shadowing Harry left him with three options. First, he could kill her (a muttered Killing Curse casually tossed over his shoulder would snuff her out like a candle, and Hermione – the sissy – would be none the wiser as to the death of their incompetent shadow). The next option was to simply lose her (and judging by her pathetic skills in shadowing, Harry knew he could do so with his eyes closed). And the last option was to let her think that she'd captured him. Harry was curious as to the identity of the witch and, more importantly, for whom she worked. Given his growing, yet still lacking, knowledge of the power players in this reality, Harry wanted to get firsthand insight into his opposition. If he let her "capture" him, he would hopefully gain some more information from at least one set of his opposition.
"You two go back to the flat and rest up," Harry told his companions. "I'm going to stroll around a bit longer."
"You're not planning on killing, are you?" asked Hermione hopefully.
"Not unless they try to kill me," he reassured her (mind you, Harry had his fingers crossed behind his back, and had no intention of strictly adhering to this vow, if not outright breaking it).
Harry turned down a street at random and watched the two witches hobble (Hermione wasn't used to her platform boots) and limp (Luna's bum was still sore) away. Just as he suspected, the unknown witch followed him, leaving the girls to go on their way. Harry walked and walked, passing numerous stores and small groups of witches and wizards shopping, all the while waiting for the witch to make her move. Finally growing impatient, he decided to force her hand and walked down a dark alleyway. Harry figured that, as dumb as she appeared, she would jump at such a perfect opportunity to attack, without bothering to think of potential traps waiting for her.
"Stupefy!" the witch shouted. As the red bolt of magic rocketed toward him, Harry began to pivot just slightly enough for the Stunner to graze by his shoulder. While he had to make it look real, Harry had no intention of letting this witch actually knock him out.
After he fell to the ground, the witch walked up and stood over him. Through his half-closed eyes, Harry watched as a black-haired witch with heavy-lidded eyes made a Portkey. The witch wrapped her hand around his arm and then touched the Portkey. With a tug behind his navel, Harry and the witch were transported to a dark and dank dungeon.
The unknown witch waved her wand, and Harry felt himself being pulled up by his hands into the air. In order to maintain his ruse, he forced himself to remain slack as the invisible ropes held him up. Next, the witch summoned his wand, causing it to fly from his pocket and into her free hand.
"Rennervate!" the witch incanted, and Harry pretended to wake up.
"Huh? What's going on?" Harry asked in a convincing act of surprise. "Where am I?"
"You're in the Dark Lord's castle, wee-baby Potter," the witch said in a sickly high voice. "You're to be a sacrifice for him."
"You mean... I'm… I'm in Voldemort's castle?" Harry said in a barely believable show of fear and dread.
"DON'T SAY HIS NAME!" the witch screeched in offence.
Harry pretended to recoil from the angry witch.
"It's high time you learn your place, wee-baby Potter," Bellatrix snarled. "The Dark Lord will make you scream and beg for mercy. And don't think that the old Muggle-loving fool will come help you; this castle is under the Fidelius Charm."
"Thank goodness I still have my backup wand," Harry muttered (knowing full well that Bellatrix could hear him).
"You have another wand?" cackled the witch.
"Curse my big mouth," Harry bemoaned. He was surprised at how truly dense this witch was; he was going to use her utter gullibility to his advantage.
"Accio backup wand," incanted Bellatrix. She held out her hand, clearly expecting a wand to pop out of its hiding place and soar to her. But nothing happened.
"It's got an Anti-Summoning Charm on it," admitted Harry.
"Where is it, Potter?" Bellatrix snapped. She needed to get the wand away from the boy. She wasn't afraid in the slightest that Potter might get lucky and somehow manage to hurt her Master. Bellatrix was concerned about what the Dark Lord would do to her if she brought Potter before him while still armed with a hidden wand.
"I'll never tell," he said defiantly.
"The Cruciatus Curse will loosen your tongue," Bellatrix snarled, pointing her wand at the boy.
"Alright, alright, I'll tell," he cried out as he tried to tug at the invisible ropes that held him in place.
"What? You caved?" she asked in surprise-- and a little disappointment; she had wanted to hear him scream.
"Please, just don't hurt me," Harry wailed, while snickering on the inside at the slow witch. "My backup is in my trousers."
As Bellatrix walked up to the boy, Harry clarified where his wand (the fleshy one) was located. "It's down my right trouser leg."
Bellatrix snaked her hand under the waistline of his trousers and pushed her hand down. The instant she began groping around for the wand (that wasn't there), her eyes bulged in awe, and she exclaimed, "HOE-LEE FUCK!"
-- Line Break --
"Ah, that feels so-o-o good," Hermione cried out as she yanked the torturous boots off and cast them aside. They clomped noisily on the floor next to the bed in the flat Harry had leased.
"Let me help you out," Luna offered. She picked up Hermione's left foot and began to massage it. Hermione purred contentedly as Luna slid her fingers between the witch's toes and rubbed her arches. Luna asked, "Do you think we should contact Professor Dumbledore?"
"We should, but my feet hurt and I'm not going to get up and go someplace that has a floo connection," Hermione said with her eyes closed.
"Me too," Luna agreed.
"That feels so wonderful," moaned Hermione.
"You do realize that I'll make you repay me, right?" Luna asked, and she stroked Hermione's heel.
"What do you have in mind?" the brunette asked through one open eye.
"Well, your feet are sore, and I'm massaging them. So it's only proper that you massage the part of me that's sore in repayment," offered Luna.
"But your bum is sore from being buggered."
"Precisely," Luna said with a rosy blush to her cheeks (both sets, upper and lower).
Arching her eyebrows, Hermione said, "Why not?"
"Really?" asked Luna with a squeal.
"Sure thing. Now roll over," commanded Hermione.
-- Line Break --
"And who might you be?" Voldemort asked the figure that appeared as the second performance of the Summoning Ritual finished.
"Name's Soaring Spade," the man grumbled through clenched teeth. His red eyes squinted at Voldemort. Spade's skin had a dusty and leathery quality to it, and he wore a worn cowboy hat and a sandy poncho. "You've got to the count of three to tell me what's going on before I fill yer gut full of lead," he threatened, pulling two six-shooters from the holsters on his hips.
"Pistols, how quaint," Voldemort said snidely.
"You won't think they're so quaint when you're clutching yer guts," Spade said, and cocked both pistols.
"Let me ask you something, did your name used to be Tom Riddle before you picked up the moniker 'Soaring Spade'?" asked Voldemort.
"Yeah, that's what my Ma called me when I was a young'un. Folks started calling me Soaring Spade when I got good at killin'," he answered with a thick southern American drawl and uncocked his weapons, but leaving them leveled at Voldemort. "How'd you know my real name, mister?"
"This might be hard to understand, Spade, but I'm you," began Voldemort.
"Yer me?" he asked in disbelief.
"Yes, I am," Voldemort replied. "I used magic to bring you here from another reality so that you, and a few others, can help me conquer this world. Do you believe anything I'm saying?"
"Are ya gonna pay me?" Spade asked.
"Yes, I suppose I will."
"Then I'll believe anything ya tell me," Spade said and holstered his pistols.
"Why don't you wait over there?" Voldemort suggested, pointing at the base of the hill. "I have one more sacrifice left, and I want to summon another duplicate. Hopefully, this time I'll get a magic user."
"Whatever you say, mister," Spade said and walked with bow legs and his spurs clinking on the rocky ground to the slope of the hill.
While Voldemort painted another pentagram with the blood of the third virgin, Spade rolled a cigarette.
-- Line Break --
"Good evening, Rhys," Lucius said as he walked into the parlor of Parkinson Place. "I need a favor."
"You've got a lot of gall coming in here, Malfoy," snapped Parkinson.
"Whatever is the problem?" asked Lucius, genuinely surprised by Rhys' reaction.
"My little girl's got a nasty case of Dragon Clap and an infestation of Troll Crabs," Parkinson said angrily. "My wife's with her at St. Mungo's right now."
"Oh," Lucius said nervously.
"'Oh' is right, you berk," Rhys snarled. "The treatments and potions to cure her are going to set me back eighty galleons."
"I'm not admitting fault here, but I will be generous and cover your expenses," Lucius stated, hoping to avoid any further embarrassment.
"You're going to do more than cover it, you're going to give me an extra twenty galleons in compensation," Rhys demanded.
"You want an extra twenty galleons?" the blond wizard asked in shock. "How could you do this to me, after I saved your daughter from becoming a sacrifice?"
"Because, by saving her, your son also gave her a few venereal diseases," snapped Rhys. "And if you want me to do this favor of yours, you'd better cough up one hundred galleons; eighty for the cure and twenty for compensation."
"Fine," Lucius grumbled and handed the wizard a sack of gold.
"Good, we're square," Rhys said and pocketed the gold. "Now what's this favor?"
"I need you to go to Lady Marmalade's and hire two of their finest prostitutes," Lucius said. "I'd do it myself, but I can't show my face there since I'm a fugitive."
"So, you're itching for a little lovin' and want me to pick up some whores for you?" Rhys asked with a wicked grin.
"No, it's for someone I'm buttering up," Lucius informed. In truth, he had wanted to have Parkinson hire two sets of prostitutes – one pair for Weasley and one for himself. Narcissa still wouldn't perform her wifely duty and fulfill his needs. However, Lucius' plans for hiring himself two prostitutes – twins he had hoped for – had disappeared when he had to give the hundred galleons he was going to use to pay for his prostitutes to Rhys as compensation. Sadly, Lucius had to drop his plan for a threesome. Even worse, he had already lined up the goat for the evening's activities. He handed Rhys a note with Percy Weasley's address. He ordered, "Tell the witches of the evening that I want Weasley's confidence boosted."
"How much of a boost are you hoping for?" Rhys asked.
"A great deal," Malfoy said and pulled out his other sack of galleons to hand to Rhys. Lucius realized that there was no point in even trying to convince Parkinson to help pay for the prostitutes after Draco gave Pansy Dragon Clap and Troll Crabs. "I want Weasley bristling with confidence when all is said and done."
-- Line Break --
In her room at the Burrow, Ginny clutched her pillow to her bosom and cried. Right now, somewhere, Harry was defiling himself by sleeping with Hermione (the slut). Ginny should be the one to have her legs wrapped around Harry, not Hermione's (the slut) legs. It was unfair. Ginny had been in love with Harry as far back as she could remember. And now, when Harry needed her to save him from Hermione (the slut), she was stuck at home, helping her Mum watch over her addle-brained brother.
She bemoaned the fact that she was missing out on all the sweet names Harry could be calling her right now, such as "cum-bucket," inbred freak, and "cupcake." Ginny made a mental note and scratched out "cupcake" and replaced it with the standard yet always thrilling "dribbling cunt-bubble."
A loud voice called out from Ron's room, demanding, "Ron the Magnificent wants Ron the Magnificent's wives here and now! Ron the Magnificent needs to be pleasured!"
"SHUT IT, RONALD!" Molly screamed from her room.
-- Line Break --
With her head draped through the bars of the prison cell, a naked, glistening, and spent Bellatrix moaned, "That was the best shag I've ever had."
Losing Potter as a sacrifice for her Master was a small price to pay for the epic shag she had just experienced. Besides, she could still hand Potter over to the Dark Lord so that he could deal with the brat. So, in Bellatrix's mind, she would still make out fantastically by giving Potter to her Master. The Dark Lord would shower her with praise. And needless to say, the shag she had just gotten was one for the history books. It was the type of shag that made her go cross-eyed.
"I, on the other hand, must say that you were the worst lay of my entire life," announced Harry, tugging on his trousers. (Of course, this was a lie; there is no such thing as a "bad lay" for a bloke, therefore, there cannot be a "worst lay." Harry had just said this to mess with the skanky witch.) "You are the loosest witch I've ever bagged."
"What?" Bellatrix cried out in offence. She tried to pull back but found that the bars on either side of her neck held her in place. Struggling to pull her head through the bars, she said angrily, "I'm stuck, Potter."
"Yes, I know, I planned it that way," he replied and grabbed his silk shirt (which Bellatrix had unbuttoned using her teeth and then tossed it aside.)
"What do you mean?" she demanded and continued to struggle.
"When you gave me back my wand so that I could cast a Prophylactic Charm – which, by the way, I cast three times; I could tell how skanky you are with just one look – I silently cast a Short-Term Metal Softening Charm on those prison bars," Harry explained. "When I bent you over and shoved your head through the bars, I knew that they would return to their normal hardness in a few minutes, thereby trapping you."
"You son of a bitch!" snarled the captured witch.
"And I'm not just saying you were the worst lay of my life because you tried to capture me. No, it's the truth. You are, beyond a doubt, the loosest witch I've ever fucked. And believe me, that's saying something; I mean, I've fucked a female centaur a few times, and she was infinitely tighter than you are. I was practically throwing my willy around in you, and I swear I didn't hit a thing."
"Well, that's because you have a puny cock!" Bellatrix shot back, trying to insult his masculinity.
As a response to this verbal (and wholly inaccurate) attack, Harry just laughed as he walked out of the cell with his wand in hand (this was only one of three responses that he could've used. The other two consisted of reminding her of how many times she screamed "I'M CUMMING" and "POUND ME WITH YOUR MASSIVE COCK, YOU STUD!" while the other would require Harry to pull his manhood out of his trousers and slapping her across the face with it – which is always a hoot to do, but Harry was on a tight schedule so he decided to keep his monument in his trousers.)
"Where are you going?" she demanded.
"This is an evil wizard's lair, so that means there has to be a potions lab; every evil wizard has to have one, it's standard," Harry said. "I'm going to go into this lab and throw a few things together. And since we shared an intimate moment – even though it was crap for me – I feel I must warn you that I plan on making a very large bomb. You know, it's the chivalrous thing to do: let the skanky witch I just fucked know that she's going to die in a horrible explosion in about fifteen minutes."
"You don't have the balls, Potter," she growled.
Again, Harry laughed as he walked away (this time, however, Harry was sorely tempted to show the witch that he did have the balls... by slapping them in her face).
-- Line Break --
"Here is the salve and potions for your son, Mrs. Malfoy. It seems to have become an epidemic. Draco is the tenth person I've treated for Dragon Clap and Troll Crabs today," the Healer said to Narcissa. "Draco, you'll have to apply the salve four times a day and take each potion twice."
"Thank you," Narcissa said as elegantly as she could. The witch was mortified over the fact that she had to take her son to St. Mungo's for something as embarrassing as Dragon Clap and Troll Crabs. Never before had she known such shame.
"Just to give you a warning, though," the Healer added. "The mixture of the potions and salve has some side effects for a male patient.
"Like what?" asked Draco nervously.
"Explosive diarrhea, vertigo, spontaneous lactation, massive mood swings, facial ticks, blurred vision, temporary genital shrinkage, bouts of deafness, tourette's syndrome, muscle cramps, green pus eye discharge, projectile vomiting, hair loss, sensitivity to light, a chance for the permanent weakening of the Bulbospongiosus muscle which would lead to premature ejaculation and decreased sexual pleasure," the Healer listed. "And sniffles."
Once she revived Draco from his fainting spell, Narcissa took her son home.
-- Line Break --
After massaging and caressing Luna's bum cheeks, Hermione decided to help the core of Luna's soreness: her anus. After Hermione used "Harry's Bum Mint Foaming Gel" to clean out Luna's cavity, the brunette proceeded to probe and massage the blonde's anus. Hermione was pleasantly surprised to find that "Harry's Bum Mint Foaming Gel" really did leave nothing behind but a mint scent as promised. This probing seemed not only to alleviate Luna's discomfort but also did a bang-up job of turning her on. Then, after a while, Hermione replaced her rubbing fingers with another form of pain relief.
"Oh my goodness!" exclaimed Luna. "Hermione, what are you using down there? I can feel it wriggling around, and it's exciting!"
"Mah tahng."
"That's so marvelously dirty! Keep it up!" cheered Luna.
-- Line Break --
After leaving the skanky witch in the cell, Harry snuck through the shadows in the bowels of the castle. He didn't want to be seen by anyone passing by. The black-haired wizard was confident that he could easily take care of any trouble that might arise, but he didn't want to draw any unnecessary attention to himself. He had a potion to brew, and if someone spotted him and sounded the alarm before Harry could kill them, brewing that potion might prove difficult if he had scores of henchmen trying to attack him.
Finally, he found the potions lab. As quickly as he could, Harry gathered a dozen or so ingredients. To list a few of the many ingredients that he poured into the cauldron were the entire contents of three glass jars (one had essence of mere-people, another was filled with slimy frog eyes, and the third contained pickled pig snouts), a pinch of sage, and a generous handful of powdered dragon scales were also tossed into the mix. Next to be placed in the already simmering concoction were a leg of a nearby wooden stool, mummified goblin toes, and some of Harry's own spit. Sparks flew from the simmering pot as he stirred it twice anti-clockwise with a metal whisk and then once with a copper spoon.
Once the contents began to glow a bright orange and red, he cackled triumphantly; killing people was loads of fun, and this potion was going to kill a lot of people. He dashed out of the lab. Now that the potion was done, Harry no longer concerned himself with being spotted (that and the potion was about to blow sky high, so he had to get as far away as possible, which he couldn't do if he was slinking in the shadows). He ran up the stone stairs and through a hallway. As he bolted through the doors, he knocked over a wizard with a hooked nose and greasy black hair.
Once he passed the castle's Anti-Apparition wards, he disappeared without even a pop.
-- Line Break --
To say that Snape was surprised to see Potter in the Dark Lord's castle was an understatement. But what surprised the potions master even more was the smell of certain potion ingredients wafting off the boy as he knocked him over. The combination of said ingredients that clung to Potter's body chilled Snape to the bone.
Snape got up and rushed to the potions lab. When he saw the glowing caldron, he gulped in fear.
-- Line Break --
The bloodied and battered form of Wormtail stumbled down the stairs and landed in front of the cell where Bellatrix had her head stuck.
"Wormtail, get me out of here!" demanded Bellatrix.
"If I do, will you save me from the muscle-bound freak who's been pummeling me?" the rat-like man asked, and spat out (yet another) tooth. "He's been beating me to a pulp for the last half hour for some reason. I was just finally able to transform into a rat and escape."
"Whatever! Just get me out of here," she snapped. "Use your wand and soften these bars."
"Why don't you just do it yourself?" he asked and stood up on shaky knees.
"My wand's not handy," she snarled. To say that her wand wasn't handy was not completely accurate. It would be more correct to say that her wand was shoved firmly up her bottom, which she had requested Potter to do when he was shagging her brains out. Her exact quote was "I WANT MY WAND SHOVED UP MY ARSE WHILE YOU PUMMEL ME WITH YOUR GARGANTUAN COCK!"
"Oi, you're naked," Wormtail said upon finally noticing Bellatrix's state of undress.
"You're such a bright one, aren't you?" mocked Bellatrix.
Before Wormtail could ask why Bellatrix was naked or why she had her head stuck between the bars, Snape's magically amplified and panic-filled voice boomed through the castle walls.
ATTENTION EVERYONE!!! SOMEONE HAS MADE THE ENOLA GAY DRAUGHT IN THE POTION'S LAB. IT WILL BLOW ANY SECOND!!! EVACUATE THE CASTLE!! REPEAT: FLEE!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!"
"Holy shite, he did have the balls," cursed Bellatrix as she recalled Potter's threat. "Quick, Wormtail, get me out of here."
"I don't know how to soften the metal," the rat whined.
"Can't you do anything right?" she screamed.
"There is something I can do, but I don't think you'll like it," he said apprehensively.
If Bellatrix had any doubt concerning what Wormtail was talking about, the rumbling of the castle chased it away.
"JUST DO IT!" she screamed.
Wormtail waved his wand around Bellatrix's head and incanted"Aliquantulus Capitulum!"
With a pop, Bellatrix's head pulled free of the still solid bars. She snapped at Wormtail, "Quick, make a Portkey and get us out of here!"
As Wormtail made the Portkey, he kept casting furtive glances at Bellatrix's head.
-- Line Break --
Outside of the castle, and uninformed of the happenings inside, a joyous Voldemort looked upon perfection. His peer from another reality stood before the Dark Lord. He looked exactly like Voldemort did. However, this duplicate had a red glow about him and radiated pure power.
Soaring Spade, smoking his hand-rolled cigarette, cautiously placed his hands on his pistols. He was ready to draw and fire the moment his employer said so.
"Who are you?" Voldemort asked in awe.
"I am you, dear brother; another Lord Voldemort from an alternate reality," the duplicate said. "And I have achieved the thing you most desire; ultimate power."
As if to prove this point, the glow the double gave off grew in intensity. Voldemort was awash with the power flowing off of his counterpart. The magic radiating from his duplicate made Voldemort's heart race. This glowing power also made him tingle in ways that reminded him of his time, acting as the receiver, during his second romp with Lola, the receptionist at "Top-Floor Apartment Magazine."
"I gained the ability some time ago to gaze into other realities. I have been watching you for many years, my brother," the other Voldemort stated. "I watched as you rose to power, only to be struck down by a child. I watched you struggle as a formless spirit and how you resurrected yourself. By the way, that was a brilliant ritual."
"Thank you," Voldemort said as his flesh prickled from the power radiating off of his double's skin.
"And when you began the Summoning Ritual, I had used my powers to influence where you placed the Summoning Stone... of course, my first three attempts to guide you failed; even I am not infallible," the glowing duplicate spoke. "For I have decided to teach you the thing I have learned; to give you the nigh cosmic power that I possess."
"Nigh cosmic?" Voldemort asked with a squeak (which only accentuated his girly voice).
"Yes, my brother. My Cruciatus Curse is so powerful that it will make no less than twenty victims' hearts explode within their chests with just one casting," the duplicate said boldly. "A single Killing Curse can lay waste to three dozen souls."
"And you're going to teach me these?" Voldemort asked. He knew by the power emanating from his duplicate that he spoke the truth. And with that power his double was offering, Voldemort could take over the world nearly single-handedly.
"Yes, Lord Voldemort, I will teach you many things."
"What's the price?" he asked. "Everything has a price."
"The only cost is that if you are ever called upon by another of our duplicates from another reality, you must pass along this information."
"So, this is like an inter-reality chain letter?"
"In essence, yes," the double said. "Although the chance that you will be called upon is very slight, seeing how there are millions of realities. So I wouldn't worry about being bothered too much."
The double glowed even more intensely and held his arms open wide in a welcoming embrace.
"Come to me, my brother, and learn from my vast knowledge," he said genuinely.
But before Voldemort could take his duplicate up on his offer, the castle high upon the hill exploded. The blast sent a fireball that was at least a hundred and fifty feet wide rocketing into the air. Voldemort and his two doubles were thrown forcibly to the ground from the shockwave of the explosion.
Having been knocked to the ground proved to be a misfortune for Voldemort and his peers (especially the super-powerful Voldemort). If they had not been knocked down, they could've seen the forty-foot section of the north tower falling at them. Perhaps if they saw the several-ton chunk of building plummeting toward them, they could've fled (especially the super-powerful Voldemort).
As the three stood, Spade asked through gritted teeth, "What in blazes was that?"
The super Voldemort gazed up and screamed, "JESUS CHRIST!" a second before that large piece of stone and mortar crashed squarely on top of his head. This action effectively turned the super-Voldemort, his nigh cosmic power all for naught, into a sticky paste similar to marmalade.
"DAMN IT!!" screeched Voldemort as he saw the puddle that used to be his promise of ultimate power trickle out from underneath the rubble.
Spade walked over the debris to stand next to Voldemort and commented, "Hell of a way to go."
-- Line Break --
Luna awoke to the sound of the shower running. After untangling herself from Hermione, she padded into the bathroom, barefoot and naked.
"Good evening, Harry," she greeted.
"'lo Luna," he returned while working the sudsy lather over his chest. "Did you two have fun?"
"Oh, yes, I gave Hermione a foot massage, and then she stuck her tongue into my bottom," informed Luna happily.
"Damn, " bemoaned Harry. "I missed it!"
"I'm certain that if you ask nicely, Hermione would do a repeat performance," the blonde said as Harry rinsed himself clean. "So, what did you do? Did you kill anyone?"
"A few," Harry said with a grin while toweling himself dry. "If I got lucky, more than a few."
"Did they deserve it?"
"You see, that's another way you and Hermione are different," Harry said and tossed the towel to the side. "She would've just started berating and lecturing me on my 'evil' actions straight away."
"I'll lecture you if I think the people you killed didn't deserve it. I'll even wake up Hermione and have her help me with it. That way, you'd have the both of us lecturing you," she said and hopped up on the counter for a seat (the cold countertop sent a pleasant shiver through her bare bottom).
"They were Death Eaters," Harry said. "I blew up their castle."
"How did you find the castle?" asked Luna. "I would've assumed that any hideout for Death Eaters would have been hidden under the Fidelius Charm."
"It was. I noticed that we were being followed when we left the Leaky Cauldron," explained Harry.
"Is that why you had us split up?" she asked.
"Yes, but if I had known that Hermione was going to give you a rim-job, I would've stuck around for the show," he commented and continued with his tale. "I tricked the witch following me into believing that she had stunned me. She then took me to a castle. When she 'woke' me up, she bragged that she had brought me to Voldemort's castle. So, I basically shagged her and left her in the cell-"
"It was just that simple? You showed her your penis and then had sex with her?"
"Well, I did restrain her so she couldn't follow me or alert anyone that I had escaped," he said.
"Who was she?"
"You know, I didn't bother to ask her name," Harry said with no remorse.
"She was probably Bellatrix Lestrange," guessed Luna. "There aren't that many female Death Eaters."
"Does she have black hair and a gaunt face?"
"Yes."
"Then, yes, it was her," Harry said.
"And you fucked her?" Luna said with her face scrunched up in disapproval.
"Don't worry, I used a Prophylactic Charm," he assured. "Three Prophylactic Charms, just to be on the safe side."
"Wait a moment, you've never used a Prophylactic Charm on either Hermione or me," Luna said. "I know this because I've sucked up the yummy aftereffects out of Hermione's cunny."
"Don't worry; neither one of you will get knocked up yet. I perform a Short Term Sterility Charm on myself every morning. Taking over the world is tough work, and I don't want the hassle of a bevy of sprogs running about to distract me," he said. "Now let me finish my story.
"Anyway, after I took care of Bellatrix, I found the potions lab and made an Enola Gay Draught," Harry said.
"What's that?"
"A potion that explodes after a few minutes," he explained. "I made enough of it to level half a city block."
"It would be wonderful if You Know Who was still in the castle when it blew up," Luna said.
"'You Know Who'? Don't tell me that you're one of those people who can't say Voldemort," Harry said with a hint of disappointment.
"It's like a curse to us," Luna said bashfully. "Even Hermione couldn't say his name until a few months ago."
"Well, I guess I'll just have to punish you for your weakness," he said with a sigh.
"Punishment?" the blonde asked. Knowing Harry and his dark take on morality, Luna was concerned for her safety at that moment.
"Yes, and as punishment, I will give you several earth-shattering orgasms right here and now," he explained with a smile.
"That's a rather good punishment," agreed Luna and spread her legs wide.
Less than a minute later, Hermione woke up to the loud cries of Luna as the blonde shouted joyously, "PUNISH ME!! I'VE BEEN A BAD, NAUGHTY WITCH AND DESERVE MUCH MORE PUNISHMENT!! OH!! OH DEAR GOD, PUNISH ME MORE!!"
-- Line Break --
It had been a very difficult night for Lucius Malfoy. After he met with Rhys Parkinson, Lucius ran into Francis Bulstrode and Thomas Davis, both of whom demanded one hundred galleons each for their daughters, to receive treatment for Troll Crabs and Dragon Clap (much like Parkinson had; eighty for treatment and twenty for compensation). Another four hundred galleons went to Miles Pritchard (one hundred for each of his daughters). And Lucius had to pay three hundred to Ephraim Greengrass (the seemingly standard one hundred for treatment and compensation for both of his daughters, but Lucius had to throw in an extra hundred galleons when Ephraim coyly threatened, "I wonder if the authorities would be curious as to how my thirteen-year-old daughter got Dragon Clap and Troll Crabs?"). Lucius was under the impression that all five fathers had gotten together and planned this. So when Lucius stumbled into his manor early the next morning, he was one thousand galleons poorer. Needless to say, he was in a foul mood and didn't need the greeting he was about to receive.
"Good morning, Father," Draco said with a joyous expression. Then, for some odd reason, he called Lucius a "fetid, toe-stomping, nipple tweaker," with the same joyous expression on his face. "How was your night?" the boy asked as if he had not realized that he had insulted his father.
"Are you feeling well, Draco?" asked Lucius.
Suddenly, great globs of tears cascaded from Draco's eyes, and he replied in a sob, "Never better." And he added between hiccups, "Saggy nut sacks!"
Narcissa strolled out of the kitchen with a fire whisky on the rocks sloshing in her hand.
"What is wrong with him? And you do realize that it is only seven in the morning, don't you?" Lucius asked scathingly.
"Oh, I'm getting a morality lesson from the adulterer who whored his own son out to at least nine different girls," Narcissa said bitterly and took a large gulp of the amber liquid.
"How did you know that?" he asked. Lucius shot an angry look at his son. The elder Malfoy had thought that his son would have enough wits about him not to mention the witches he had bedded. "Did you tell her?" he demanded of Draco.
Draco placed his cupped hand next to his ear and shouted, "WHAT DID YOU SAY? SLOPING BROW BOOTLICKER!"
"That would be one of the many wonderful side effects of the potions your son has to take," Narcissa said with a slight slur. "Another one is a nasty green pus that drips from his eyes. That's a fun one."
Right before Lucius' eyes, two wet spots appeared in Draco's shirt over his nipples. The elder Malfoy thought it would be for the best to ignore the fact that his son was lactating.
"And how I found out that your son spread the diseases to others was simple," Narcissa said and took another mouthful of scotch. "I heard about the Dark Lord needing to procure virgins. And I assumed that every Death Eater who had children would be scrambling to make sure their kids weren't 'eligible.' Then, while I was at St. Mungo's, the Healer mentioned that Dragon Clap and Troll Crabs had affected nine others. I assumed that they got it from your son."
"Brilliant deduction," Lucius said with annoyance.
"I'm just curious where Draco got the diseases from?" Narcissa asked, and she wobbled in place.
"Most likely from the whore Father got," Draco offered (he joined in on the conversation after his bout of deafness passed). "Brown-hole kisser."
"You took my son to a brothel where he got two venereal diseases?" Narcissa snapped at Lucius.
"No, he brought her here," Draco answered.
Lucius was considering disowning his son as Narcissa's empty whisky glass soared at him. He dodged, and the glass shattered on the wall behind him as she screeched, "YOU BROUGHT A DISEASE-RIDDEN WHORE INTO MY HOUSE?"
"It was for his own good," defended Lucius, while he scurried behind the couch. Narcissa had a tendency to use rather vile hexes when she was drunk and angry, and he had no intention of giving her an easy target.
The blonde witch pointed her wand at the couch and screamed, "Eunuchus Castratus!" Lucius' eyes grew wide in terror as the decorative balls and long, dangling tassels on the couch were magically severed and fell to the floor. Being a fairly intelligent man, Lucius did the prudent thing and got the hell out of there, and he apparated directly to the front gates of the Dark Lord's castle.
He was quite surprised to see that the ancient and noble castle had been turned into a smoldering pile of rubble since he had left it last.
-- Line Break --
Removing Hermione's big toe from his mouth, Harry pointed out, "You don't seem overly upset about the fact that I blew up Voldemort and his castle." And then placed the aforementioned toe back into his mouth and continued suckling.
"To be honest, Voldemort's a lucky son of a bitch," Hermione said with her eyes half closed (she never realized how good it felt to have her toes sucked on). "I wouldn't be surprised if he escaped unscathed."
"But there is a chance that Harry took out a few of his followers, including Bellatrix," Luna commented with a happy smile. Her happiness came from the fact that Hermione was playing with the blonde's erect nipples, which, in Luna's opinion, was just as much fun as having her toes sucked on.
"Surprisingly, I'm not upset," Hermione said. "In a way, Harry was just acting in self-defense. He just acted on a large scale."
"But, I wasn't in immediate danger," Harry pointed out. Hermione pouted at this, because since Harry was speaking, her toe wasn't being sucked. "I could have easily slipped out of the castle undetected."
Hermione's pout vanished because after he spoke, Harry began to slide his tongue between her big and second toes, sending pleasant shivers up her leg.
"No, you weren't in immediate danger, but the Death Eaters still posed a threat," the brunette purred. "They could've attacked you in the near future, or they could've attacked someone else.
"So, in other words, Harry was practicing a proactive form of self-defense," concluded Luna, for which she got an enjoyable pinch and kiss on each nipple from Hermione for her support of the brunette's conclusion.
"Also, they're nothing more than a bunch of murderers, so I won't cry over their deaths," added Hermione.
"That's the spirit," congratulated Harry.
"I'm still concerned over what you did to Fudge, though," Hermione said to him.
"Why?" he asked and picked up Hermione's other foot. He popped her big toe in and sucked hard.
"Because he didn't deserve it," she argued, after shivering in delight. She liked what Harry was doing with her toes and didn't want him to stop, but this was an important point, and it needed to be debated. "Yes, he was ineffectual and corrupt, but that doesn't mean he deserved to die."
"She has a point," Luna agreed, which got another pair of happy pinches from the brunette, as well as one good suckle. Concurring with Hermione was turning out to be a very pleasurable activity. "It was fairly apparent that Fudge was about to get the sack and that would've been justice enough," she added, hoping to get even more nipple-play from the other witch.
"Now, correct me if I'm wrong, which by the way rarely happens," Harry began confidently (read: stuck up). "But didn't you say that your Harry had tried to convince Fudge that Voldemort had resurrected himself a year back. And then Harry and Dumbledore spent this past year trying to convince him of this. Yet Fudge not only denied this fact, but strove to discredit both Harry and Dumbledore."
"Yes, but that didn't mean Fudge deserved to die," argued Luna. Hermione showed Luna her support of this argument by... You get the point.
"Oh, hush and let me finish," Harry said dismissively. "During this time, did anyone die from Death Eater attacks?"
"A few," Hermione said with disappointment over that fact.
"Now, were these few people aware of Voldemort's return or that Death Eaters were on the hunt again?"
"One or two were members of the Order; so yes, some of them knew," Hermione answered.
"So, there were a few people who were oblivious to the threat, correct?" he asked.
"I suppose."
"Would those people have been more prepared if they had known the threat existed?" he hypothesized.
"Anything is possible," offered Luna.
"Oh, no. No, you don't," Hermione said to Harry (who started to smile broadly as if he had already won the argument). "Just because some people died does not make Fudge responsible."
"And why not?" asked Harry while still smiling. "He wasn't just complacent while Voldemort returned to power; Fudge actively tried to persecute anyone who tried to warn the people. Because of his actions, people were blind to the threat that surrounded them, and I could argue that this cost lives."
"But that doesn't make Fudge responsible," protested Luna.
"Yes, it does," Harry said. "He encouraged everyone to ignore the facts, and people died because of it."
"And this is how you validate the murder of Fudge?" Hermione returned. She was surprised that she was speaking to the murderer so casually, but then again, this murderer did suck a mean toe.
"Granted, when I killed him, I thought he was my world's Fudge, who was a nasty bastard by the way," Harry said. "But now that I know what an arsehole this Fudge was, I won't lose any sleep. Not that I was losing sleep before I knew this, mind you."
"You know, sometimes, Harry, it feels as if I'm arguing with a wall," Hermione said.
"I know exactly how you feel," Harry said while looking directly into Hermione's eyes. Then he returned to suckling her big toe.
After a few minutes of nipple flicking, pinching, and suckling, and toe sucking and licking, Luna announced, "I'm hungry. Let's go to the green grocer and get some food for the flat."
"You two go ahead," Harry said. "I'm going to take a kip."
"Aw-w, is poor Harry tired?" mocked Hermione.
"You'd be tired too if you had shagged a nasty skank like Bellatrix, blown up a castle, made love to a gorgeous witch like Luna, and then did the same with a beauty like you," Harry said and closed his eyes. "There's some money in the kitchen."
"You're such a sweet talker," Hermione giggled. It wasn't often that people had complimented her looks, and she liked the idea of getting used to it.
Luna and Hermione dressed in one of their new ensembles. The blonde's outfit consisted of a thin silk robe that did a horrible job of covering her nipples, while the brunette was dressed as a dominatrix's interpretation of "Little Red Riding Hood", complete with a tight leather corset and riding crop.
As the two witches walked out of the flat, Luna asked, "Should we contact Professor Dumbledore while we're out?"
Hermione thought for a minute before responding. "I wish we could. But if we're not back at the flat in a few minutes, I'm certain Harry will use his semen tracking charm and follow us."
"Perhaps tonight, one of us can distract him while the other slips out," offered Luna. "And the distraction should be done with various sex acts."
"Obviously," agreed Hermione. "Which one of us will brave the 'dangers' of being a sexual distraction?"
"I think it should be me. Since you've known Harry longer, you should be the one to meet with Dumbledore," Luna suggested.
"You're just saying that because you want to have sex with Harry," the brunette argued.
"Yes, and that's a damn good reason," returned Luna.
"All right then, we'll flip a coin for it once we get back," proposed Hermione. "Heads, I'll stay and get shagged silly. Tails means you get the multiple orgasms."
"I'll agree to that," the blonde said, and the two shook hands.
-- Line Break --
"Why are we back here?" whined Tonks as she and Mad-Eye Moody trudged down the streets of Diagon Alley. "Remus and I checked every shop here, and no one's seen hide or hair of the kids."
"It never hurts to be thorough," grumbled the scarred Auror.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me? I said we checked EVERY shop. How the hell can you be more thorough than that?" the witch challenged.
"By checking them twice," Moody replied without missing a beat.
"You're a mean old bastard, you know that?"
"Thank you," he grumbled and hobbled down another street.
"That wasn't meant to be a compliment," Tonks pointed out with a pout.
"Quit your yapping," Moody growled. "Look over there!"
Tonks looked across the street at Gan's Green Grocer and saw two young witches strolling in. Or rather limp in.
"There they are," cheered Tonks.
"I told you double-checking was a good idea," grumbled Moody.
"Ooh, I love Hermione's new haircut," cooed Tonks. "It really frames her face well."
"All right then, let's go nab them," Mad-Eye said and began to walk in long lurches to the grocer.
"What?" Tonks yelped and grabbed the older wizard by the arm. "You want to kidnap them?"
"No, you ninny, take them into custody," he said. "They know where Potter's double is, and we need to ask them where he is."
"What if the place is under the Fidelius Charm and this Harry is the secret keeper, huh? It'll do a whole lot of good if we question them and they can't answer," Tonks contested.
"Then what do you suggest we do?" he asked.
"Easy, follow them."
"Oh, that's just brilliant," snapped Moody. "I guess they don't teach you pups at the Auror academy about what happened to Johan Marshbanks anymore."
"Who's that?"
"An Auror who was just following a dark wizard back when I was a new recruit. He thought it'd be easy to follow the target back to his base. But what Marshbanks didn't know was that this dark wizard had set up a ward around his base. Anyone who approached this base who wasn't touching the dark wizard or one of his minions was fried to a crisp," explained Moody. "If this version of Harry can slip into the Ministry, kill Fudge, and slip out without triggering any alarms, I reckon he's got similar defenses."
"Then we should go in there," Tonks said while pointing to the grocer. "And tell those girls what's happening. They probably don't know that he isn't the Harry they know. They have no idea what kind of trouble they're in."
"If Granger's brain is as half as big as her tits, she would've figured that out already," he answered.
"For the love of God!" an appalled Tonks exclaimed. "First Remus, and now you! She's just a kid!"
"Yeah, a kid with a nice, big set," Moody said with a perverted smile. "I feel a bit sorry for Lupin. He doesn't have an eye that can see through things as I do."
"Ew!'
"You're just jealous that the blokes are rubbing their bits while thinking of Granger, and not you," challenged Moody. "You'd think with your body changing ability, you'd give yourself better nipples, if not an overall better chest."
"Hey, I happen to know that plenty of men find me attractive. There's nothing wrong with my nipples," she returned hotly. "I have had a lot of guys tell me that they like them this way. Several of my boyfriends have spent hours on end sucking my nipples. One even made a plaster cast of them, just so that he'd always remember the way the left one points slightly upwards and my right's inverted. And I know for a fact that plenty of blokes masturbate thinking about me. I cannot believe I just told you that."
Moody eyed Tonks for a moment.
"Mad-Eye, just because I told you some blokes masturbate over me doesn't mean I'm giving you the permission to do so," she said nervously.
"Cool your jets, girl, I was just coming up with a new plan," he muttered. "I reckon this Harry is dangerous, and if we take both of the girls in for questioning, he'll retaliate. We don't want that."
"So we just take one of them and hope he doesn't realize that he's missing a witch?" Tonks asked incredulously.
"Not if he doesn't know she's missing," he returned.
"Hell no, Moody," Tonks said defiantly. "I'm not masquerading as one of those girls."
"Why not?" he demanded.
"I barely know Hermione. And I don't know Luna from Eve," Tonks answered. "I can't just go in there, replace one of them and hope they don't find out I'm a fraud."
"It can't be that hard. Just go with the flow. They're just kids, do what they do, and you'll be fine," Moody said soothingly. "It's not like either Lovegood or Granger is doing anything inappropriate."
"Yeah, you're right," she said, knowing that Hermione was a straight-laced prude of a girl.
"Fine then, let's get this done," Moody said and led Tonks into the grocer.
They snuck into the store and spotted Lovegood. The blonde was alone in the nuts aisle (which seemed oddly appropriate). Silently, the two Aurors approached the young witch. Moody muttered a Stunning Spell under his breath, and Tonks caught Luna's body before she hit the ground.
The pink-haired Auror memorized Luna's face and body type. She screwed her eyes shut and concentrated on the younger witch's appearance. Tonks felt her face and body reform.
"That's perfect. Even her father couldn't tell the two of you apart," Moody said. He waved his wand over Tonks and Luna's unconscious bodies and magically switched their clothes so that now Tonks was wearing Luna's outfit.
"Just remember: play along," Moody said as he made a Portkey. "Find out where this Potter is hiding and if there are any wards or traps. Then try and slip away and tell us what you've found out. I'll take Lovegood back to Grimmauld Place and try to get some information out of her."
Tonks nodded her head and picked up the shopping basket that Luna had been carrying. After Moody and Luna disappeared, she stood up and went to find Hermione. As she walked through the grocery store, Tonks was surprised at Luna's attire. Under the outer robes, she was wearing a ridiculously thin silk robe and, more importantly, nothing else. No bra and no panties. Tonks figured that Moody must have fouled up the Switching Spell and forgot to transfer the younger girl's underwear. After a moment of searching, Tonks found Hermione in the produce section.
"Hey, Luna, who does this remind you of?" Hermione asked Tonks (whom she thought was Luna) as she held up a very large zucchini.
Tonks just smiled sweetly. She had no idea as to what Hermione was referring to, so the Auror thought it was best to remain silent.
"You all set?" the brunette asked.
"Yes," Tonks replied in a dreamy fashion, remembering overhearing someone mention how Luna always spoke this way.
"Okay, let's pay for these things and head back to the flat," Hermione said.
To Be Continued...