The Higher Realm's bathroom wasn't just a room, it was a localized dimension of relaxation. The tub was carved from a single, massive sapphire that naturally heated the water to the exact temperature of a 'peaceful afternoon.'
Ichikawa let out a long, weary sigh as he slid into the steaming water. For the first time since graduation, the 'deadass' energy of Ruleus and the high-pitched devotion of Xyphira were on the other side of a very thick, soundproof door. He leaned his head back against the cool sapphire rim, his blue eyes staring up at the ceiling where artificial stars drifted in a slow, hypnotic dance.
His thoughts drifted to Xyphira. The Soul Contract. He could feel it humming in the back of his mind—a golden thread of light that tied her existence directly to his. He had saved her, yes, but in the process, he had accidentally become her entire world.
Ichikawa thought, his internal monologue taking on the cynical edge of his previous, miserable life. "People don't fall in love, They fall in desperation, loneliness, and the fear of being left alone. Because, in the end, loneliness feels scarier than death at the moment. I don't need my Divine knowledge to realize this. My past-life knowledge is more than enough"
He watched a ripple move across the water. He was a God with 1% of his power currently acting as a continental-tier battery, yet he felt like a high schooler who had accidentally signed up for a life sentence of romance.
CREAK.
The sound of the door opening shattered his philosophical brooding. Ichikawa didn't even have time to cover himself before a figure stepped through the steam.
It was Xyphira.
She was wrapped in a single, suspiciously small white towel that struggled to contain her curves. Her cheeks were flushed a deep, rosy pink—not from the heat of the room, but from a pure, unadulterated bashfulness that radiated off her like a physical aura.
"M-My Lord Minoru..." she whispered, her heavenly voice trembling.
Ichikawa froze. His brain's shock circuits didn't just fry; they performed a collective suicide. "X-Xyphira?! What are you— This is the men's bath! Well, the 'only-me' bath! Get out! Retreat! ABORT MISSION!"
Xyphira didn't retreat. Instead, she reached for the knot of her towel. With a slow, graceful movement, the white cloth slipped from her body and pooled on the floor.
Ichikawa's blue eyes widened until they hurt. Her naked curves were... blinding. Between her elven elegance and her angelic radiance, her skin seemed to glow with a soft, pearlescent light. Her massive blossoms swayed slightly as she stepped toward the tub, her slim waist and wide, sculpted hips creating a silhouette that was too shiny for a mortal—or even a 1% God—to process without a nosebleed.
"I cannot be apart from my Partner," she said, her voice regaining its melodic strength as she stepped into the water. "To bathe alone is a tragedy. To bathe together is a... a sacred duty!"
She sat down directly next to him, her wet, snowy wings draping over the edge of the tub. Before Ichikawa could teleport to another galaxy, she lunged forward and hugged him. His face was immediately pressed against the soft, warm curve of her shoulder, his hands flailing uselessly in the water as her «blossoms» squeezed against his chest.
"Xyphira! Let go! The water is already hot enough! I'm going to evaporate!"
"I decline!" she chirped, tightening her grip with the strength of a celestial enforcer. "I am anchoring your soul, Minoru! Do not struggle against destiny!"
After a few minutes of frantic splashing, Ichikawa finally went limp, accepting his fate as a divine pool toy. "Fine. Fine! Just... at least stop calling me 'Lord.' It makes me feel like I'm a hundred years old. Just call me Ichikawa."
Xyphira pulled back just enough to look him in the eyes. Her sapphire gaze was dreamy, distant, and terrifyingly focused. "Lord Ichikawa..." she whispered.
"No, just Ichikawa! Drop the 'Lord'!"
"I cannot," she said, a mischievous yet devoted glint in her eyes. "I have decided. I shall only call you by your name without a title... once we are «officially married» in the eyes of the All-Father. Until then, you are my Lord, my Master, and my Eternal Partner."
Ichikawa's head hit the sapphire rim with a dull thunk. I'm doomed, he thought. She's already planning the seating chart for the reception. I'm going to be 'Lorded' to death before I even turn eighteen.
"Ichikawa, dear? I forgot to mention the—"
The bathroom door swung open for the second time. Kyoki stepped in, a stack of fresh towels in her arms. She stopped dead as she took in the sight: her son, pinned against the wall of the tub by a naked, blushing Elf-Angel whose wings were splashing water everywhere.
The silence lasted for three heartbeats.
Ichikawa looked at his mother, his face a mask of pure, existential horror. He opened his mouth to explain that this was a conceptual misunderstanding, but no words came out.
Kyoki didn't scream. She didn't get angry. Instead, a slow, knowing smile spread across her face—a smile that radiated pure Ara-Ara energy. Her eyes twinkled as she looked at Xyphira, then back at her son.
"Oh my," Kyoki giggled, covering her mouth with a hand. "It seems my little Minoru has truly grown up. I was worried you'd spend all your time with that silver-haired boy, but it seems you've found a much more... *
«productive» hobby."
"MOM! IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" Ichikawa shrieked, his voice reaching a pitch that only dogs and Ruleus could hear.
"Don't mind me," Kyoki said, winking as she backed out of the room. "Sorry for interrupting your... 'soul-bonding.' I'll make sure Ruleus stays in the kitchen. Carry on!"
SLAM.
The door shut. Ichikawa stared at the wood for a moment before letting out a scream that shook the very foundations of the Higher Realm.
"MOM! COME BACK! EXPLAIN THE CONTEXT! MOOOOOM!"
Xyphira simply snuggled closer, her wet hair resting on his shoulder. "See? Even Mother Mother-in-Law agrees. Now, about the floral arrangements for the ceremony..."
Ichikawa's blue eyes rolled back into his head. He had survived the end of time, but he wasn't sure he'd survive the end of this bath.
The morning light of the Higher Realm didn't rise so much as it rendered into existence, a soft, golden glow that felt suspiciously like a hug from the universe. For Minoru Ichikawa, however, the sensation of being hugged was far from metaphorical.
Ichikawa's blue eyes snapped open. For a brief, blissful microsecond, he thought he was back in his old, miserable life—a life where the only thing that attacked him in the morning was a loud alarm clock and the smell of stale coffee.
Then, reality hit him. Literally.
He felt the unmistakable weight of Xyphira draped across him like a living, breathing, and incredibly soft safety net. Her head was tucked neatly under his chin, her snowy wings were acting as a secondary duvet, and her arms were locked around his waist in a 'Soul-Binding' grip that probably defied several laws of physics.
Wait, Ichikawa thought, his brain slowly coming online. The bath. The sapphire tub. My mother's 'Ara-Ara' smile. The last thing I remember was the oxygen deprivation...
He sighed, trying to shift his weight, but then his body went rigid. A cold, prickling sensation traveled up his spine. He felt fabric. Soft, high-quality silk was rubbing against his skin. He looked down at his chest.
He was wearing a fresh, charcoal-grey pajama set. It was clean. It was buttoned perfectly. It was... not what he had been wearing (or not wearing) in the bathtub.
...Who dressed me?
The question echoed through his mind like a thunderclap in a library. He looked down at Xyphira, who was currently let out a tiny, melodic snore. A faint, blissful smile played on her lips as she mumbled something about 'coordinated wedding invitations.'
'She did it,' Ichikawa's internal monologue screamed in a pitch that could shatter diamonds. She fished me out of the tub like a drowned rat, dried me off with divine efficiency, and then... and then she put clothes on me. She saw... EVERYTHING.
His blue eyes widened until they felt like they were going to pop out of his skull. The 'Zero' in him was currently undergoing a total system reboot. In his past life, the most intimate thing a woman had ever done for him was hand him a receipt at a convenience store. Now, a High-Tier Celestial hybrid had essentially treated him like a life-sized dress-up doll while he was unconscious.
I am a God! he shrieked internally. I am a 1% deity with the power to anchor reality! I have a dignity to maintain! How can I look her in the eye when I know she knows exactly where my birthmarks are?!
Xyphira stirred, her cheek rubbing against his chest. "Mmm... My Lord's pajamas are a bit tight in the shoulders..." she whispered in her sleep. "I shall have to... adjust the narrative... next time..."
"THERE WON'T BE A NEXT TIME!" Ichikawa screamed—internally, of course, because his vocal cords were currently paralyzed by pure, unadulterated shame.
STOMP. STOMP. STOMP.
The heavy, rhythmic sound of footsteps echoed down the hallway, followed by a yawn so loud it sounded like a rift opening in the atmosphere. Ruleus wandered into the living room, looking exactly as he always did—disheveled, silver-haired, and radiating a level of 'deadass' energy that could nullify a hurricane.
He was wearing an oversized t-shirt that said 'I survived the Big Bang and all I got was this stupid concept of causality' and a pair of plaid pajama pants that were two sizes too short.
"Morning, Ichikawa-kun," Ruleus muttered, stopping at the edge of the couch. He stared at the heap of Angel and God for a long, unblinking moment. "I see the 'Nesting Phase' has entered the second trimester. Do I need to move my cereal to another dimension, or are you two planning on merging into a single, multi-winged organism by noon?"
"Ruleus! Help!" Ichikawa hissed, his blue eyes darting toward his partner. "She's got me in a lock-hold! I can't move! And... and she dressed me!"
Ruleus scratched his messy silver hair and let out another massive yawn. "Why are you complaining? Do you know how hard it is to dress an unconscious body? It's like trying to put a sweater on a giant, wet noodle. You should be thanking her. She even color-coordinated your socks, deadass."
"I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE SOCKS!"
Ruleus shrugged, walking toward the kitchen but stopping halfway to lean against a floating pillar. "You worry too much about the 'Before' and 'After,' Ichikawa-kun. That's your problem. You're too attached to the 'Story.' Here in the Higher Realm, the concept of time and space is basically a suggestion. I could go to sleep right now and wake up yesterday, and the only thing that would change is the flavor of my toast."
He looked at his hands, turning them over as if he were seeing them for the first time.
"Think about it," Ruleus continued, his voice dropping into that weirdly serious tone he used for things that made no sense. "If space doesn't exist, then you aren't actually on the couch. You're just a collection of vibes pretending to have a location. And if you aren't on the couch, then Xyphira isn't actually hugging you. She's just... overlapping with your vibes. It's basically a high-tier spiritual high-five. Why be embarrassed about a high-five?"
Ichikawa stared at him. "Ruleus, that is the most 'deadass' insane thing you have ever said. I can feel her wings! I can smell the jasmine! This is not a vibe! This is a physical crisis!"
"Is it though?" Ruleus asked, tilting his head. "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it still have a soul-contract with a celestial hybrid? Also, I was thinking about ham. If you take the 'H' out of 'Ham,' it's just 'Am.' And 'I am' is a statement of existence. Therefore, ham is the fundamental building block of reality. We are all just slices in a cosmic sandwich, Ichikawa-kun. You're the ham. Xyphira is the bread. And I'm the mustard—the spicy, yellow glitch that makes it all worth eating."
Ruleus nodded to himself, satisfied with his own nonsense, and started walking again. "I'm going to go see if the fridge has developed any new sentient life forms. I'm in the mood for a conversation with a yogurt."
As Ruleus disappeared into the kitchen, humming a song about existential deli meats, Xyphira's grip tightened. She let out a long, happy sigh and buried her face deeper into Ichikawa's neck.
"Lord Ichikawa..." she murmured, her eyes still closed. "The silver boy is right... we are the bread and the ham... and we shall be delicious together... for all eternity..."
Ichikawa's face went pale. She heard that? She's incorporating Ruleus's ham-logic into her marriage fantasies?!
He looked up at the ceiling, his blue eyes welling with tears of pure frustration. He was a 1% God of a Higher Realm, a survivor of a miserable past life, and a graduate of the most prestigious academy in the framework. And yet, here he was—trapped in a sandwich, dressed by an angel, and cursed with a partner who thought 'Left' was a feeling.
"Mom..." Ichikawa whispered to the empty air. "Please... just sent anyone else. I'd rather be erased from the concept of existence than spend another ten minutes as a slice of ham."
From the kitchen, the sound of Ruleus arguing with a carton of milk echoed through the house.
"Don't you take that tone with me, 2%! I know your expiration date is a lie!"
Ichikawa closed his eyes and prayed for a dimensional collapse. It didn't come. Instead, Xyphira's wing lazily draped over his face, smelling faintly of heaven and laundry detergent.