Chapter 1: Rebooting a Flaccid Fate
Of all the ways to reincarnate, waking up during a panic attack on a damp bathroom floor was definitely at the bottom. My last memory was a blur of screeching tires and shattering glass. Now, I found myself lying on cold stone, breathing in a nasty mix of cheap incense and old beer. My throat throbbed with an ache that matched the crude rope burn around my neck.
I pushed myself up, bracing my hands against a grime-stained sink, and stared into the cracked mirror. Green skin. Pointy ears. Eyes wide with a lingering, pathetic fear.
I was a goblin. A well-dressed goblin, in a decent leather vest with dark lace trim, but still a goblin.
Before I could even process my new reality, a flood of foreign memories hit me like a corrupted hard drive. His name was Grik. He was a scholarship student at Monster Academy, an orphan, and the laughingstock of his generation. In a world where monsters ruled with strength and instincts, Grik was physically weak. But that wasn't why he was crying in a brothel bathroom.
He had saved up months of his small allowance to visit the red-light district, hoping to prove he was a "real man" before the semester began. He paid for a succubus, walked into the bedroom, and... nothing. Complete failure.
The succubus laughed. Grik panicked, locked himself in the bathroom, and decided that instead of facing the embarrassment, he would quit life entirely.
I stared at my green reflection, horrified. "Buddy," I rasped, my new voice sounding like gravel. "You don't just give up over a little mistake. We had pills for this back on Earth."
Dying over performance anxiety? It was ridiculous. I was about to curse the cosmic force that put me in this mess when a translucent blue screen flickered in front of me, followed by a sharp DING!
[System Boot Sequence Initiated…]
[Running Biological Diagnostics…]
[Error Detected: Critical Peripheral Device Malfunction (Psychological/Physical Block). System output compromised.]
[Main Quest Issued: The Art of Finesse]
>Objective: Prove your worth to the System. The locals of this realm rely on brute-force methods. Use your Earth knowledge to navigate basic instincts and bring the target in the next room to 100% completion.
>Time Limit: 30 Minutes.
>Reward: Complete system reset, body repair, and permanent improvement. (+10 Charm).
>Penalty for Failure: Permanent loss of function.
I blinked at the glowing blue text. The System wasn't going to magically fix me. It was holding my body hostage behind a challenge.
But as I read the prompt again, a calm realization washed over me. My Earth brain was wired for logic and understanding inputs and outputs, circuits and responses. In this 'Monster Kingdom,' intimacy was just two creatures smashing together. They didn't grasp a slow build-up. They viewed the body like a rusty gear instead of a sensitive network. If they wanted technique, I could show them legendary technique.
I adjusted the collar of my vest, took a deep breath, and opened the bathroom door.
The succubus waited on the edge of the bed. She had maroon wings folded tightly behind her and a tail flicking in annoyance. She checked her nails, rolling her eyes as I stepped out. She clearly expected the wretched mess she had bullied into the bathroom earlier.
"Look, greenie," she sighed, her voice dripping with boredom. "If you're broken, just leave. I charge by the hour, and I'm not running a therapy clinic for defective goblins."
I didn't flinch. I stood there, letting my eyes scan her, taking in her posture, the tension in her wings, the slight twitch of her tail.
"Sorry for the delay," I said, my voice steady, completely devoid of the panic she expected. "I just needed to run a quick diagnostic. And I'm not leaving."
Her brow furrowed with confusion. The pathetic goblin was suddenly looking at her as a complex puzzle to solve. "What are you talking about? You couldn't even—"
"I was trying to use analog methods in a digital world," I interrupted smoothly, walking slowly toward the bed. I raised a hand, flexing my green fingers, mentally mapping out the nerve clusters and pressure points I recalled from my Earth studies.
"Why don't you lie back?" I smirked, the System interface glowing faintly in my peripheral vision. "I'm going to show you how we do things where I'm from. And I promise you, I don't need brute force to make you beg."