Walking through the chills I at last reached quite close to my place.
My head was no longer lingering to the childhood days I did prey to never return, but inclined towards him. His words kept repeating on loop in my mind. Was it out of love, out of love to replay your one's word?
"....what was that suppose to mean?"
A pause.
Then a scoff left me. "He's always like that. Saying strange things for no reason." Yes that was easier. Something I could understand without pulling it apart.
"…..still," I whispered, a faint smile returning, "...the design was pretty cool." With that a broad smile casted over my lips. I walked downstairs springing like a child.
The door shut behind me with a dull click, the kind that echoed longer than it should have. There was barely any visitor to this room—as far as I could say besides Theo none knew. How cute though---- I giggled in myself. I was definitely mad. Isn't he the one who should definitely shouldn't know? But it felt nine...…..
I didn't turn on the lights. The darkness felt…appropriate. The room felt suffocating in winter but was a relief for summers. But it was still fine.... I am no princess to require quiet of a treatment.
I sat down on the mattress, undressing myself for a sleep. It was comforting with less clothes. Quickly covering myself with the blanket which I barely ever fold, my fingers moved on their own, pulling out the phone, thumb already scrolling before my mind caught up. Notifications blurred past—irrelevant, disposable—until I landed on it. The new chapter-- updated just minutes ago.
Of course.
A faint smile tugged my lips.
I sank onto the bed, one leg hanging off the edge, eyes devouring line after line. A clever protagonist. Ruthless, but adored. The kind of characters people excused because their cruelty was elegant.
I liked that.
No—I understood that. Though wasn't something I would relate to. My love despised me...….. if ever I could enchant him. Nah, I did always prey for him to keep that smile he had today while being with them.
But even as I read, something kept slipping through the cracks of my focus.
A shadow. A memory.
Theodore.... My thumb stilled mid-scroll. That tattoo—people like him rarely do anything out of expression. He probably wasn't into art of beautifying oneself.
I exhaled slowly, locking the phone before the chapter even ended. Didn't matter. I already knew how stories like that went.
I reached over, setting an alarm without thinking. Habit. Control. Something to pretend I still have.
The scree went black. So did the room. So did everything else.
----------
My eyes snapped open. Darkness again—but thinner this time, fragile, like it could break with one wrong breath.
I turned my head—4:00 AM.
A pause. Then—"What...?"
My voice came out hoarse. Too late. Way too late.
I pushed myself up abruptly, a sharp irritation under my skin. I never woke this late. Not here. Not in this life. Time wasn't something I could afford to lose. And yet—
It had slipped. Just like that.
My gaze drifted to the phone lying beside me, screen cold, silent. For a second, I just stared at it….as if it might explain itself. It didn't.
"Tch."
I ran a hand through my hair, exhaling sharply before standing up. No time to dwell. No time to think about wasted hours or stupid novel or— tattoos.
I moved quickly now. Pocket—fifty.
That was all I left myself. The rest I shifted in different bag without hesitation, folding it tight. Such a cliché method—still works for me though.
By the time I stepped outside, the air hit colder than expected. Empty streets within that muted world. Perhaps that's what I preferred, that's how I liked it...… the lesser the presence of those humans, the more honest it sensed.
I walked until the streets forgot my footsteps, until the dim lamps thinned out and the city turned quieter—I was already in a hurry to have appreciated the silence on those streets.
There was a place there, tucked between things people didn't look at twice. Probably a renowned building, but rarely do people lay eyes on it—not until the elections probably.
I have been a regular now. I never got myself up registered though—so it went well even without passing on my signature, name....just like some deposit without identity.
I slipped the notes forward. The money never stayed with me—it never had. They just came and vanished like this....without a trace of me being the owner. Good honestly.
Every time I earned something, it was for there. Not for use. Couldn't call it accumulation too. It was something more inclined towards comfort...…something which still feels out of my reach, something I couldn't understand what it actually meant for.
The job ended quick—expected it.
I turned back now. This time walking with pacing, walking while reviewing the nature. I didn't like peace much, it gave me more sense of loneliness than comfort ever. I liked the busting city crowd, it was pretty easy to assume anyone in that to be your family and move forward.
My steps slowly drifted me to the same path. That one with river sound. My feet followed even before my mind agreed.
Winter had wrapped the morning in a dull, suffocating haze. The road along the bank stretched out empty, its edges blurred where the fog swallowed distance whole. Beneath it, a narrow set of damp stone steps led down to a strip of open ground, and beyond that—the water.
Still. Flat. Watching.
I exhaled slowly, my breath dissolving into the mist as I walked. There was something about the place….something that settles the noise inside my head into quieter, sharper form.
Won't call it peace. Just...clarity.
My gaze drifted lazily across the river—it was such early in the morning, it was quiet expected to have not found anyone around. Probably everyone should be sleeping at the hour, and if not—still won't be moving outside.
I was trying to see the river as a whole expand, trying to recite its beauty at one. that fog did add something to amplify the beauty. But just then—my eyes caught the sight of him------
A figure stood below. Seemed to have came for fishing. Fishing at such hour.... It this cold.
"You've got to be kidding me," the words barely left my lips. I
The silhouette didn't move. It didn't shift, didn't fidget—just sat there, rod angled into the water as if time meant nothing to it. The fog clung to it, thick and deliberate, erasing edges, swallowing details. No face. No features...…. Just presence.
I narrowed my eyes slightly, trying to make sense to it. Nothing I found—how annoying it is.
"Tch."
I turned away, "it shouldn't be my concern if someone has washed to play fool." I laughed in myself. It wasn't my concern. Why it even should be? There were better things to waste time on.
...…three steps—that's all I managed. I wasn't intended to stop then, but certain forces inside me did cling hard to freeze my movements. A quiet, familiar emptiness pressed in. I stopped then.
There was nothing waiting for me today. No urgency. No purpose. No one worth the effort. Just...time. I had too much of it today. My tongue pressed hard against the inside of my cheeks. "...Fine."
If the world insisted on being dull, I could at least entertain myself. I turned back. I would ask him questions and try to build conversations, also irritate a bit—the thoughts seemed fun to be executed.
The stairs were slick beneath my shoes as I descended, slow, unhurried. My eyes stayed fixed on the figure, measuring the distance as it closed.
Twenty meters now—I could see a bit, a bit more clearly.
His build was somehow felt know. It wasn't Theo. I knew every ounce bit of my love. He had a rectangular muscular body, but this one in front seemed to have an angular body type, a bit more slender.
For the first time I felt more closer to a stuff I imagined myself far away from. "….What are you exactly?" I murmured under my breath, more to fill the silence than anything else.
Ten meters…maybe less. And then—nothing.
My steps faltered. The space ahead was empty. The rod, the figure, the presence. All gone at once.
"...No." my brow drew together, sharper this time. This was something my mind couldn't read, something my mind couldn't process. That's impossible.
There hadn't been enough time. Neither sound, nor movement. Not even the water betrayed a disturbance. The surface remained smooth, indifferent—like it had never held anyone at all.
I scanned the area once. Twice. "….Hah," a quite humorous sound slipped out. Hallucination?... No. I hadn't just seen it. I felt that presence. I couldn't be betrayed by my own self.
I thought for a while. God…why am I behaving such. Since when did I start to care about such weird happenings. Must be someone…..
Irrelevant thoughts. I exhaled, the tension dissolving as quickly as quickly as it was formed. "…..Forget it."
--
I moved the rest way down anyways. Not overthinking anymore.
The water sat quietly at my feet, clearer than it had any right to be in a place like this. I crouched near the edge, my reflection staring back at me—distorted slightly by the faint ripple of movement beneath.
For a moment, I just looked.
Messy hairs, like some street beggar, face not washed since yesterday's bath. Freckles taking over the whole space of my nose and cheeks. Unremarkable in the worst way.
"....Pathetic." the words settled without resistance.
A few fish drifted lazily beneath the surface, their bodies cutting through the water urgency, without thoughts. I dipped my hands, the cold striking sharp enough to stink, it was an instinct thought. My hands cupped the water and dragged it across my face. Then splashed again. And again.
It didn't change anything. but somehow helped—a little.
I sat there after that. Minutes stretched, then blurred.
No phone. No distraction. Just the quiet weight of existence pressing in the form all sides, softened only by the slow movement of water.
Time passed like the flow of that river. I didn't count how much. Maybe an hour...maybe two. It didn't matter.
---------
When I finally stood, my body felt heavier—but mind didn't.
"Alright...." I stretched slightly, rolling my shoulder back. A quiet decision settled into the place, not out of necessity—but boredom.
"It's been a while." I said it out loud. "Let's try to be descent for once." the words sounded strange even to me. But not entirely unpleasant.
I turned away from the river steady now as I made my way back forward the main road. Winter mornings pulled people out—food, warmth, small comforts. Restaurants would be filling soon.
I still haven't decided what I will do this time but I would try to earn in other way—a decent way—like some descent citizen...…
But if nothing works out, I would probably go back to my old deeds, stealing was an easy subject and I didn't lack skills...….. what am I being proud of?