One last flute riff, and the spectacle was over. I gave Soundbite an annoyed, somewhat mad glare. "You've been planning this for a while, haven't you?"
"OH, you have NO IDEA. Thought I was gonna BURST, SOMETIMES."
"Mmph. Well, even so, did you have to sing the entire damn song?"
"If he's been waiting since the St. Briss, you should just count yourself lucky that there isn't a second verse," Robin stated.
I sighed and turned back to our guests. "Alright… moving right on from this insanity… Camie, is there anywhere you'd like us to take you, so that you can avoid the Sea Kings? You mentioned a restaurant, right?" I clamped my teeth down on the inside of my cheek. "Takoyaki 8, I think you called it?"
"Huh?" Camie glanced at me, Luffy, Nami, Sanji, and Brook perking up at the same time. "Oh, yes! That'd be fantastic, thank you! Ah, and I could even give you a discount on our takoyaki! Ah, well, I just work there, but I'm sure my boss would be glad to give you guys a discount!"
"Or for free," Pappug cut in. "That would make more sense."
"GAH! That would make more sense!" Camie shouted.
"Takoyaki?" Luffy parroted, his eyes turning to fried octopus delicacies.
"Free?" Nami echoed, her eyes turning to berry symbols.
Zoro, meanwhile, wasn't quite so enthusiastic. "Is your store's octopus really—" He casually caught Sanji's heel on his forearm. "—that good?"
While Camie nodded and was about to explain, I decided that there was no way in heck I was going to be able to get through this without a damn drink. So, I casually knocked the back of my fist on Franky's gut and fished out a bottle of cola.
"Wha—hey!" the cyborg yelped, slamming his stomach shut. "I'm not your damn fridge!"
I snapped a caustic glare up at him. "No, you're our cooler, so shut it." And with that, I tilted the bottle back before he could object further. After all, I had to do something to distract myself while Camie was speaking. So, I tuned back in…
"—and while all the extra business was really nice, it was kind of hectic for a while with just me, Pappug and Hachin," the mermaid sighed despondently. "It was just too much! For every beri we made, we were losing two more! It almost wasn't any fun anymore…"
And then Camie's mood flipped, and she beamed with pure glee.
"But that all changed when Hacchin hired Kurochin and Chewchin!"
WHAT.
I heaved, my drink suddenly shooting down the exact wrong tube as I tried to speak or shout or I don't know what damn it all!
"Cross, I have had it up to here with you wasting my cola for spit takes; if you don't swallow that, I'm force-feeding you a biscuit," Franky threatened.
"F-Fuck—grk," I gurgled, hastily forcing the cola back down the right track and shoving the bottle back in his hands. Once my airways were clear, though, I snapped a panicked look at a concerned Camie. "Wh-What were those names again?" I demanded.
"Huh?" Camie tilted her head innocently. "You mean Hacchin, Kurochin, and Chewchin?"
Yup. No mistake. Definitely no mistake. And seeing as Zoro, Usopp, Sanji, and Merry had all tensed up at once, snapping wide-eyed looks at me, they'd managed to put the pieces together, too.
They didn't concern me, however. What really, truly terrified me was the combination of the raging typhoon churning behind Nami and the perfectly, terrifyingly blank expression with which she was staring at absolutely nothing.
Audibly gulping, I tentatively croaked, "Y-You wouldn't happen to be talking about a ray fishman named Kuroobi and a… um… garfish, I think, named Chew?"
The whole time, I was silently pleading for her to say no. To please, please-please-please refute me, even if she was lying—!
"Garfish? No, Chew is a smelt-whiting fishman," Pappug corrected.
FUCK.
"So, you know them?" Camie perked up.
Okay, okay, this was bad, this was bad, but maybe, just maybe I could still salvage it, with careful planning, the right combination of words—!
A hand crushed my shoulder. "And you're not asking about the octopus?" Zoro said dangerously.
I froze, and then slowly looked at Zoro with a bemused frown. "My mind's a blank," I admitted.
My terror wasn't forgotten for long, however, thanks to my other shoulder getting grabbed and the rest of me getting hauled off almost faster than my feet could follow.
"We need a minute," Nami informed Camie, her voice nice and even.
"Um… o… kay?" Camie trailed off. Apparently, even a goldfish-brain like her could read the subtext.
I shivered at that little unspoken ultimatum, but nevertheless followed Nami with minimal complaint as she led me, Billy, and the rest of the East Blue crew around the side of the pavilion. Once there, Merry rapped on one of the pavilion's pillars and brought up the side wall, blocking Camie and Pappug from view, which Soundbite backed with his own impenetrable wall of blurred noise.
Once we were nice and private, Nami slowly looked at me. "Talk," she calmly ordered.
Well, I wasn't one to pass up that invitation… for better or for worse. "Okay, okay," I jabbered frantically. "I know you're pissed, and you have every right to be, but I can explain—!"
Any further explanation was aborted on account of the fist that was suddenly two inches from my face!
"Thanks…" I breathed at Zoro, who was holding Nami back by the wrist. Behind her, I could also see Luffy holding her Clima-Tact, thank God.
"Thank me by explaining instead of saying you will," the swordsman shot back, before turning his eyes to Nami. "You done?"
She nodded mutely.
"Good."
"In all fairness, I think—er, know I deserved that," I shamelessly admitted. "And only that, so I swear to you upfront, I only knew that Hach—tchan was free and I had nothing to do with it."
Nami's already icy frown tightened, now on the verge of an outright scowl. "Talk fast, I'm already figuring out how to slip this."
So I did just that. "Alright, to start, I realize that your sentiments on Hach-tchan and all fishmen are justifiably tainted, but you need to acknowledge that he's a good guy. He probably didn't even want to go through with the Arlong Empire plan; he only did it because the other three were his closest friends, his brothers! His equivalent of me, of Zoro, of Luffy! Hell, his childhood dream was to open a takoyaki stand with—!" I froze in realization, and going by the rainbow of emotions that flashed across Nami's face, she'd made the same leap I did.
Acting fast to forestall the building (metaphorical) hurricane, I ducked my head around the pavilion and waved down Camie's attention. And I assure you, I did not miss the fact that Nami was glaring holes in the back of my skull the entire time. "Ah, say, you two wouldn't happen to know where a fishman by the name of Arlong is, would you?"
Surprisingly, the gourami's expression grew ashen and twisted into an ugly grimace. "Hopefully still rotting in the jail Hachi said he was sent to, if there's any real justice in the world, " Hachi said. I actually met him once, you know? When I was younger. Went to the Fishman District on a dare, heard him speaking. The things he said…" She shivered in revulsion. "He… He was a very bad person, and I'm happy he's locked away."
I nodded my thanks and turned back. Nami was visibly more relaxed, but her glare's intensity had barely diminished.
"OK, from the top," I repeated, unwilling to try to fit my other foot down my throat. "I knew about Hatchan; in the story, he was the only one who escaped from the jail-ship that was carrying Arlong and his men. He went through some convoluted undersea adventure that ended with him quitting piracy and living out his old dream of opening a floating Takoyaki stand."
"And you didn't warn us about that, why?" Nami asked quietly.
I grimaced and chose my next words very carefully. "Because there was nothing to warn about, because that is all he has been doing. In the story, we only met him because he was captured trying to save Camie and Pappug from being kidnapped. He was locked up and begging to be set free to help, and… you were surprisingly okay with it. I think the way you put it was that he was…" I oh-so-carefully cracked open an eye. "Harmless?"
Nami's expression was unreadable for several seconds. Finally, she slipped her arm free of our swordsman and sighed in defeat. "…He's probably the only one who never tried to hurt me without Arlong's orders, and his antics cheered me up sometimes," she muttered absently before looking at me again. "If things happened like that, I can imagine… tolerating him. But if you're going to tell me that I let bygones be bygones just like that—"
"No-hoho-hooo, it pretty much was just tolerating him," I quickly clarified. "You only really forgave him and started considering him a friend after he took a bullet for us. Literally."
Nami's head snapped up, her eyes wide, and the rest of the East Bluers seemed surprised as well. But that lasted for all of a few seconds before the icy grimace returned. "I guess I can imagine that…" Aaaand there was her hand snapping into a fist and the snarl asking for blood. "But Kuroobi and Chew? They weren't as bad as Arlong, no one ever could have been, but I wouldn't consider saving them."
"Hey, neither would I. Kuroobi was a bastard and Chew a sadist! I'm as shocked, shocked as you are!" I protested. "The way I saw it, Hachi was the only one who got away. And there's no way that I could have changed that, I was either back in my world or stranded on that island until after that went down."
"We've been over this, Cross," Sanji grit out, a factory's worth of smoke chuffing from his mouth. "If something goes differently than what you saw, it's automatically your fault."
I frowned and, for lack of any other options, ducked around the pavilion again. "How did those two start working with you?" I called out to Camie.
"Kurochin and Chewchin?" she asked, bless her kindly heart. "Oh, that was a couple of months ago. After you started the SBS, business boomed for us; the Davy Back Fight alone had us struggling to keep up with all the orders, but after Enies Lobby, Hacchin decided that we needed more employees, and since Kurochin and Chewchin shared his dream of running a Takoyaki stand, he called Boss Jinbe and asked him to release them to his custody."
"Boss Jinbe dropped them off himself," Pappug continued. "I still remember how furious he looked; he told them that he was letting them all off with a warning, and if he heard a whisper of trouble, he'd have them back in prison before they could say, Neptune. I'll admit that in the early days, Hachi had to hold their paroles over their heads, but they love the job enough that there aren't any more problems. Sure, they do tend to provoke fights with humans, but from the grins those humans had when the fists started flying, they were looking for fights just for the hell of it, sooo…"
I sloooowly came back around, expression pointedly blank as I worked out that chain of events. "Okay. So maybe, maybe it was my fault. Slightly. Tangentially." I was silent for a second before knocking my forehead on the wall. "Blame me if you will, but I will not go silently into that good night."
With that, we lapsed into a tense silence blanketed by the Gastro-Scramble. All eyes were on Nami, who was slowly caressing her heavily tattooed left arm. Billy stood beside her, a wing resting over her shoulders. And slowly, the tension bled out of her body.
"…the scared little thief girl that was helpless against those fishmen is dead and gone," Nami said at last, her tone quiet but proud. "I'm strong enough now to face my past. And if they try anything, they're mine."
"Works for me," I nodded thankfully, both for her confidence and the sanctity of my body. "So, if that's everything—?"
"Not so fast, Cross."
I groaned and dragged a hand down my face. "Because of course not." I glanced out the corner of my eye at our chef. "What, Sanji?"
"One other thing I need you to clear up for us first," Sanji replied, arms crossed and a scowl on his face. "Camie just mentioned that Jinbe let those two loose. And as I'm sure you, of all people, remember, Yosaku told us about him way back when, about how a fishman became a Warlord in exchange for releasing—"
"Jinbe 'released' jack squat," I snapped. "He sprung Arlong from Impel Down when he became a Warlord, yes, but entirely because they were crewmates on the Sun Pirates and because they were once brothers in arms, that's it. Hell, when Arlong started hinting at what he was going to do, Jinbe thrashed his ass but good. You wanna know why Arlong tolerated Nezumi? It wasn't because he was worried about the Marines; it was because if Jinbe heard one word about Cocoyashi, the Arlong Empire would have crumbled like a sandcastle in the face of Jinbe's wrath."
"You're sure?" Nami asked.
"I guarantee that when we meet Jinbe, be it today or… later, the first thing he will do upon recognizing you is fall on his knees and beg your forgiveness, not just for himself but for fishmen as a whole. For not killing Arlong when the saw-toothed bastard gave him the chance. That is the kind of fishman he is. And no, that's not an opening for you to offer to filet him," I added, also directing a scathing glare at Sanji, who'd been looking just a tad too thoughtful for my liking.
The cook snorted and rolled his eyes, but I could tell he'd done as I asked and dropped his ill-conceived notion.
"Alright, so does anyone else have any chinks they want to poke? With full knowledge that I have every intention to—" I held my hand out and strangled Funkfreed's grip when he dropped into my palm. "—poke back?"
Nobody had anything to say. Imagine that.
"Good." I marched back around the pavilion, signalling that the conversation was over and allowing everyone to disperse, and then promptly congregated back around Camie.
All wasn't as we'd left it, however, as Camie was facing away from us, apparently speaking into her hand. She turned back around at the sound, and I saw she was holding a Baby Transponder Snail with a star-spangled shell. A snail that she'd just put back to sleep and slipped back under Pappug's rasta hat.
"Is everything alright?" she asked, clutching her hands in concern.
"Don't worry about it," Vivi said before anyone else could open their mouths and let out trouble. She then glanced at the starfish. "Did you need to call someone?"
"Hm? Oh! No, no," Camie waved her off, though she looked concerned and was trying to hide it. Poorly. "I just called Chewchin to say that I'm on my way back and bringing some guests. He usually handles to-go orders…" She nervously bit her thumb. "Though, for whatever reason, he did sound a little woozy."
"Puwe cuwiosity, but did you mention who yoah gueshts wewe?" Carue asked dryly, casting a look at the rest of our crew.
"Nah, I suggested we don't," Pappug answered. "I thought it would make a cool surprise!"
Now that left me and a few others more than a little confused.
Ultimately, Sanji just waved his hand dismissively. "Eh, probably just a long day and a few shitty customers. Happened all the time at the Baratie."
Most everyone else murmured agreement, but… mmph, I don't know, something about that explanation didn't quite sit right with me.
"Anyway…" With that, he went back into a Category 3 Hurricane and dropped into a bow. "If you would be so kind as to lead the way, Camie dearest~! It will be our honour to follow you every step of the way! Tail-turn of the way!"
"Heheheh, yeah, honour. Hehahaha—!" THWACK! "GAH!" Barto yelped before snarling at his snickering MC. "YA GET TWO A DAY, EVER! TWO!"
"I shall use them wisely and like clockwork, sir!"
"Gah—!"
"Is everything alright?" Camie wondered.
"C'mon, Camie, let's get out of here," Pappug sighed as he plodded towards the railing before any of us could respond.
"Hey, hold it a second, how about some directions to this place before you beat it? We're stuck here until she's done," Valentine cut in, jabbing her thumb at the very deeply engrossed Goldenweek.
"And don't worry about any problems with the Log Pose, just give me some seamarks visible from the sky, and I can relay them," Apis added, a notepad ready.
"Actually, I'd also like a word," Ever added. "Do you have any catalogues on hand? And do you deliver?"
"Mmm… fine, but then we're gone," Pappug sighed in defeat. "Whatever their problems are, I'd bet my top arm that if we stay here even one second longer, we'll be infected by their craziness."
"Don't those things grow back anyway, PATTY?" Soundbite snidely queried.
Pappug's response was to shoot back a cocky smirk. "Yeah, actually, they do! Bet your guy could have used that a while back, huh?"
"WHAT!? YOU LITTLE—!" Soundbite roared, before a snort ruined the image. "Alright, I'll admit, that was actually a pretty good burn, RIGHT CRO—WHU-OH." That was probably due to the thoughtful look I had on my face. "THAT LOOK NEVER MEANS ANYTHING GOOD. WHAT'S CAUGHT IN YOUR BRAINPAN?"
I pursed my lips as I mulled events over. "Something doesn't make sense…"
Nami let out an incredulous tsk. "You mean besides the fact that two of my mother's unrepentant killers are free, along with a third who's on the fence?"
I ignored the crack so as not to lose my train of thought. "Remember how I said we originally ran into Hachi again after he was captured?"
Soundbite cocked an eyestalk. "Yeah, why? We're gonna arrive at an empty TAKOYAKI STAND OR SOMETHING?"
I shook my head. "No, you don't get it: that call she made, that was supposed to be the ransom call. And Chew would have said something if anything had happened to Hachi, so…"
"Mmm…" Soundbite crossed his eyestalks in thought. "MMMAYBE WE GOT HERE EARLY? AND NOW WE'RE gonna ARRIVE AT AN EMPTY STAND?"
"Mmrph." That made sense… "Except… the Macros aren't exactly what you'd call powerhouses." My frown evolved into a scowl as that trio of brainless faces flashed through my head. "In fact, they're cowardly weaklings. They had to hire a gang to kidnap Hachi for them because they couldn't do it themselves. And that was Hachi alone. Even with superior numbers, I just can't see all three of Arlong's lieutenants getting taken all at once. Especially not with Chew's firepower and Kuroobi being a… what, black belt in fishman karate?"
"Yodan, specifically," Nami clarified, jaw clenched. "And with the way he trains, he's probably even higher by now."
"My point being," I continued before she could get started. "He and Chew are almost as strong as Hachi, each. And unlike Hachi, they don't have any qualms about bashing heads in instead of just bashing heads. They wouldn't get taken easily."
"And they wouldn't be taken alone either," Sanji chipped in. "If Takoyaki 8's as famous as those two say it is, then in waters as rough as these, any customers present would be more likely to help their favourite cooks, rather than lose their food."
"Geez, the more we talk about this, the stupider and stupider it sounds like attacking Takoyaki 8 is!" Usopp muttered incredulously. "Why would they even do it?!"
"Oh, that's an easy one: Camie." I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder at our guest. "See, the thing about the Macro Pirates is that besides being unrepentantly stupid, they're unrepentantly evil. And by that, I mean slave traders. Fishman slave traders."
It took Nami a second, but when it hit, she was the first of the crew to pick her dropped jaw off the floor. "…I may be remembering wrong, Cross, but I have vivid memories of Arlong and his crew going on drunken ragers about how every fishman alive hates slavery with a bloody passion."
"Yeah, well, that makes the Macros race traitors," I growled in disgust. "And believe me, with what I know about their pasts, their actions are even more despicable than you can imagine. Insulting, too." I frowned in thought. "Now that I think about it, I really should get a branding iron ready for when we run into them, there's something on their skins they should not be wearing anymore—"
"Let's put a pin in that," Merry hastily interrupted. "You were making a point?"
"Uh, right, motive, and as I said, it's Camie." I shook my head sadly. "As you'll recall, the slave trade does exist, and it's actually centred in these waters. It's in the flesh market that human fantasies take a turn for the worse. And tragically, there's no more valuable fantasy out there than that of the mermaid. It's disgusting, but the fact is that Camie's worth a literal king's ransom. And when that much money's on the table?"
"People do disgustingly stupid things a stupid number of times, right, right," Nami sighed.
I nodded in solemn agreement. "Eeyup. Stupid like attacking Takoyaki 8 over and over again, no matter how many times Hachi beats them up and throws them back to the Sea Kings…" I paused as a thought occurred to me. "Although… with Kuroobi and Chew present, they wouldn't get off so easily anymore, and they'd know that, so they'd stop…"
I cupped my chin as my train of thought accelerated. "Or at least, they'd stop attacking the stand, but they wouldn't give up on Camie. Instead, they'd keep an eye on her at a distance, follow her, waiting for the perfect moment when she was most vulnerable. And for a mermaid, that means when she's out of the—"
The entire crew stiffened as realization washed over us.
"Oh, Sunnova CAMIE WAIT!" I howled in panic, spinning around and reaching for the mermaid.
"Huh?" Camie blinked and looked our way—
SPLASH!
"KYAH!"
—just as a blur shot out of the waters and snatched Camie clean off the deck before anyone could react.
It was just so fast; she was there one second, and the next we were left gaping dumbly at where she'd been just a second earlier.
Vivi was the first of us to find her words… or at least some of them. "W-What just—!?"
That got everyone else's brains working.
"CAMIE!" Pappug wailed in mortal terror.
"GUARDS! AFTER THEM!" Nami snapped.
"RIGHT! MOVE IT!" Boss barked, leading the dugongs straight over the edge.
I reached after the dugongs, trying to stop them… "No, wait—!"
SPLASH!
And failing. "Don't," I groaned, letting my arm drop in defeat.
Pappug whirled around, face contorted into a tear-streaked snarl. "Why would you tell them to stop, you heartless—?!"
"Because there's no point," I groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose in an attempt to ward off the battering ram trying to punch a hole in my skull. "That was a Flying Fish, they're the second-fastest things under the sea. Boss and the TDWS are strong, no doubts about that, but…"
The dugongs chose that point to crawl back onto the deck, and I couldn't help but wince as I took in their state. Their dishevelled, urchin-covered state.
"You didn't stand a chance in hell, did you?" I summarized sympathetically.
Mikey stuck his tongue out at me. Or he just stuck his tongue out so he could try and yank off the hermit crab that had latched onto it, either or.
Donny, meanwhile, sagged in place with a tortured groan. "So fast. They left us in their bubbles…"
"I almost had them," Boss snarled as he yanked a particularly clingy urchin from the tip of his cigar. "But then they took a right turn through a reef and left me fighting off a bastard of a barracuda!"
"Well, we're not just letting them take her!" Luffy swore, grinding his fist into his palm. "Cross, where are they taking her?"
"Mmmph," I grunted, wracking my brain for all the details on this mess I would need. "Well, the bastards who use those things, the Flying Fish Riders, have a floating base near here, but!" I cut the crew off before they could leap into action. "Assuming they're working for the Macros, they've got no reason to keep her there. We can double back and kick their teeth in later, but right now, we need to head for the belly of the beast. Pappug, which way to—?"
"Puru puru puru puru! Puru puru puru puru!"
The sudden ringing of Pappug's rasta cap did a good job keeping him from answering, which he responded to by whipping out his baby snail and answering with an irate snarl. "Hachi, this is really not the time—!"
"And this isn't Hachi, so shut the hell up!"
Pappug's face contorted in shock and rage as the snail's face turned to look at us, one eye wide with hate.
"'Bout time. I've been waiting for you chumps for a while now, even set up base here 'cuz I knew that you'd show up eventually… and whaddaya know, my boys go out for a nice and easy dash-and-snatch, and they tell me that the mark's on your tub of all places. Ain't life just funny like that…" The eye flashed with the vilest of malevolence. "Straw Hats."
Never one to drop the ball on matters like this, Luffy grabbed the snail. "Give us Camie back right now, and we'll kick your ass!"
"Uh, Luffy—?" Usopp raised a finger uncertainly.
"If you don't," our captain continued in a low growl. "I'll feed you to the bananagators, Boss knows."
That shut us all up right quick. Heck, I think even Duval was a bit taken aback!
Leo actually summarized it best in two words: "Well, shit."
Sadly, apparently not even super serious Luffy could cow stupidity for long, as a second later Duval was right back to scowling and spitting. "Yeah, well, tough nuts. I'm not afraid of you, and I'm not letting your piece of tail go without a fight, so you're just gonna have to come and get her."
"You do realize that deliberately PROVOKING US IS both more dangerous than AND MESSIER THAN poking a sleeping dragon in the mouth, RIGHT?" Soundbite was summarized incredulously.
"Psh, what do I sound like to you, an idiot?" Duval scoffed. "'Course I know that, ain't no one in the world who don't by this point, and I don't doubt that this whole base o' mine is gonna be ruins in a couple of hours."
Several of the crew blinked in confusion.
"But see, thing is?" the gang-leader continued. "One o' you already ruined my life an' forced me into this business to start with, so I'm going all-in to get my revenge. I never wanted to do this, but considering what happened the last time someone went after one of yours, what choice do I have?! Either way, I don't give a damn if you punt me straight to hell, so long as I take the bastard with me!"
Su slowly cocked an eyebrow and leaned in close to Soundbite. "Call me crazy, but am I the only one who's finding this guy's moxie pretty damn respectable?" she muttered.
"I'm sorry to say, but I see where you're coming from," Conis hesitantly agreed.
"But that still leaves a big fat question!" Usopp blurted out. "If you had a problem with one of us that you wanted to fight out, why kidnap Camie to piss us all off!?"
I glanced aside, wisely stowing away my opinion that Duval most likely hadn't thought of it until just now.
"Who the hell says that wasn't the plan the entire time?"
Especially wise considering Duval's response!
A resounding "WHAT?!" echoed across the Sunny's deck and from out of Pappug's snail, courtesy of three incredulous voices.
"Yeah, you heard me," Duval stated. "The mermaid is just makin' sure that you guys don't leave me high and dry here. You show up and give me the fight I want, you'll get her back."
"HEY, HANG ON A SECOND!" the snail yelped in panic, its teeth suddenly turning into a miniature, panicked bear trap. "The hell are you talking about? This wasn't part of our deal, you—!"
The cathartic schadenfreude, the meaty THWACK that blasted over the connection, would probably have powered everything on the Sunny that needed it. For a week.
"I WASN'T PLANNING ON HANDING HER OVER TO YOU SCHLEPS EVEN IF THE STRAW HATS WEREN'T INVOLVED!" Duval roared, pure fury coating his voice. "The Flying Fish Riders are a kidnapping gang only! We do not fucking sell slaves! I was just gonna use her to get a neat sum out of Takoyaki 8 once I kicked you jerks to the curb… but now there's an even better prize on the line! THE HEAD OF THE MAN WHO RUINED MY LIFE! SO! You, Straw Hats, want her?" The snail's eye bulged to almost cartoonish, vein-popping proportions. "Come and get her!"
And with that, the line disconnected.
For a few seconds, nobody spoke. Then Luffy turned to me, his silent question clear in his gaze. After a moment of thought, I responded thusly:
"This… is a bit different from what I expected, but…" I shrugged. "I'd call it a good change if it gets Camie out of danger. As for the threat level…" I waved my hand side-to-side. "Duval's a jerk, at the moment, but he's still better than the average hoodlum. Which is to say he's more polite than Barto—"
"OI!"
"—but right now he's royally pissed at us, so he's not being nice. Honestly, I'd say that once this duel goes down, he'll honour his deal and let Camie go."
"So, they're going to be our friends?" Luffy asked. He pouted in response to the incredulous looks he got. "Hey, it's not that hard to figure out! We've never fought someone who wasn't a total bastard who didn't become our friend, right?"
"That's not—!" Nami started to protest.
"Wiper, Jonathan, Perona," Conis rattled off.
"Smoker, Tashigi, Hina, T-Bone, CP9," Merry added.
"Cough-Hachi-cough," I coughed into my fist.
"Aokiji."
And Robin's comment stopped that momentum dead.
"Never," I outright snarled, hands clenching at my side.
"Guess it only counts if we actually win," Luffy grumbled.
"EXCUSE ME!" Pappug shouted. "Can we save whatever you're talking about for after we've rescued Camie?! We need to get to their base!"
Puru puru puru—KA-LICK!
"WHAT!?" Pappug yowled, slamming his snail's connection open.
"Yeah, sorry to ruin whatever dramatic mood you all mighta had goin', but I'm guessing you guys don't know how to get to my base?"
"W"What, in the middle of the Grand Line, where compasses don't work, and we don't have a compass-beak bird on hand?" I deadpanned. "No, whatever could have given you that idea?"The other line inhaled and then exhaled in a clear attempt to keep his temper.
"You're lucky you're funny, you little—alright, I just had one of my guys drop off a custom Eternal Pose in the reef where we lost ya. Find it and then get your asses over here, fast. KA-LICK!"
Boss glanced at his students. "Alright, who's got the least crossed vision?"
Donny stuck his flipper up. "I'm only seeing one-and-a-half instead of double."
"Good enough. Find the compass."
"Aye, sir!" the purple bandana wearer saluted before leaping off the edge.
Well, there was really only one thing to do now.
"Sanji," I said.
"Yeah?" the chef asked.
"Start kindling; 'Iron Mask' Duval is all yours."
Sanji stiffened, smoke already wafting from his form.
-o-
"I can see it! Another five or ten minutes and we'll be there!" Usopp called from atop the crow's nest.
"Got it!" Luffy raised his thumb at the sniper. Then he looked over at Sanji, who'd been throwing practice kicks for the past hour. "You feeling ready, Sanji?"
"GRAH!"
CRACK!
Luffy casually ducked under the ballistic training dummy head Sanji had inadvertently launched at him. Our captain blinked at the destruction our cook was unleashing before grinning and raising another thumbs up. "Yeah, Sanji's doing just fine!"
"Mm, nah, no, he's not," Zoro grunted dismissively, casually unsheathing Kitetsu. "Here, I'll help him get up to snuff."
And that was my cue to GTFO before the sparks really started to fly. So, I turned my back on the raging blitz that erupted between the terrible twosome and made my way around to the quarterdeck. Honestly, right now I wasn't in my happiest of states, so I just wanted to find somewhere nice and secluded so I could be alone for a—
My eye twitched as a contemplative sigh wafted from around the corner, exactly where I was headed. Yeah, now that I think about it, my plan to try and get some alone time at Sunny's patented 'Alone Time Spot' might have a flaw or two in its conception.
Well, it wasn't too late, I could always turn around, find someplace below decks, fester in my—
"HEY, ARE YOU GUYS FIGHTING? GANGWAY! FULL-SHELL STYLE—!"
Then again, misery (or other such melancholy emotions) does so love company.
As such, I walked around the corner and winced at who was leaning on the railing and gazing out at the horizon. Well, I already saw them, so…
I leaned next to them with a hearty sigh all my own, not even getting a glance. "So," I started, "You're down in the dumps too?"
"Mm-hm," Nami nodded, her Eisen halo flickering to and fro. "Care to share?"
"Meh, you first."
"Nah, you go right ahead."
"No no—"
"For the love of the Great Mother Snail in the sky that I just made up, either gag me, KISS me, or one of you start already!" Soundbite demanded.
"Well, in all fairness," I began. "My concerns are a bit selfish: if we're not raining unholy destruction down on the Flying Fish Riders, then I'm not going to be able to say Number Three on my bucket list of lines I absolutely want to say before I die."
"…Wow, you were right, that is selfish," Nami declared, her expression as flat as her tone.
"Heh," I snickered before nodding sympathetically. "Anyway, I'm guessing you're thinking about Hachi?"
"Oh, no, not at all," Nami immediately denied. "I'm repressing that can of worms until the last possible moment."
"Unhealthy, but I have no room to complain," I shrugged. "Go on, what are you thinking about?"
The witch's expression twisted into robotic neutrality. "The fact we're going up against a bunch of slavers that vastly outnumber us and rule the sky and seas."
I waited, and upon a lack of elaboration, I acted on the assumption that she never expected to say that sentence in her life.
"So, you've come to terms with the fact we're all mad?" I needled, a devilish grin on my face.
"No, I did that a long time ago," she waved me off indifferently. "This time… I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm… actually pretty badass?"
"Huh?"
Nami looked at me with a dead-serious expression. "Cross, the first thing that ran through my head when I heard we were going up against a gang was 'I hope I can actually get my hands on some before the others take them all down.' And even before that…" She started to count down on her fingers. "First, I stood against Fleet Admiral Sengoku on my own terms, then I withstood the attack of a Warlord, and then I went up against a pirate on the same calibre as Gol D. Roger, all without missing a beat."
She turned and stared out at the horizon with a wide-eyed gaze that I now recognized as one of numb surprise. "I… I honestly think I'm finally starting to accept that I'm not normal anymore. I'm the second mate of the Straw Hat Pirates, one of the Thirteen Supernovas, and I'm… actually pretty powerful. And, in the end… I actually think I'm alright with that."
I stood up straighter, surprise written all over my face. "Really now? What, no freaking out about not being a 'normal, sane person' anymore?"
Nami scoffed. "If I were normal, we'd have sunk at Reverse Mountain, and if I was ever sane, this ocean's wrung it out of me." With a rueful chuckle, she shook her head. "But still… I think the real deciding factor of it all… was back on Thriller Bark with Kuma. Because if I were still the person I was when we entered the Line…"
She smiled endearingly at me and placed a hand on my shoulder. "Then I wouldn't have been able to stand up. At the least, Zoro would be dead and at the worst…" Nami shook her head. "So no. No, I'm not normal anymore."
Nami stood up and stamped the butt of her Clima-Tact in the deck, her Eisen Tempo billowing out. "I'm a badass, a mon—…no." She shook her head and donned a proud smirk. "I'm a demon, just like you. And I'm alright with that, because demons…" She turned to gaze out over the horizon, dreamy wistfulness in her eyes. "They're strong enough to protect their friends."
"…Damn straight, Weather Witch," I smiled, turning to gaze alongside her. "Damn straight."
A comfortable silence fell between us, lasting a few minutes until we made our way back to the main deck, where the rest of the crew waited, battle-ready. As we came within firing range of the Flying Fish Riders' base, the riders themselves were plainly obvious, their mounts visible around the edges of the island and ready to duck down or soar up at a moment's notice. And as we drew nearer, Duval himself emerged on his loyal buffalo, iron mask and all.
"Go, Sanji," Luffy calmly ordered.
"Gladly," Sanji declared, taking a running start and then leaping off the edge of the Sunny, spinning through the air before landing on the edge of the base.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the TDWS holding up scorecards.
"Where's Camie?"
"Right over there," Duval grunted, jerking his helmet at the hanging cage in which a bundled form was propped up against the bars.
"Actually, she's in the THIRD HUT TO the right," Soundbite murmured in my ear. "BUT I THINK THEY'RE ON THE UP-AND-UP, THE MACROS ARE ALL HOGTIED TOO; it's just insurance. Kudos to them for the effort, though, METRONOME IN A DUMMY AND DECENT SOUNDPROOFING AND EVERYTHING."
"Mrr, yeah…" I cocked my head in acknowledgment. "Makes sense. Duval's an idiot, believe me, but one thing he's not is stupid…" I slowly hung my head in despair. "Which, actually, describes a disturbing number of people in my life, oy vey…"
Down on the pier, Sanji lit his cigarette and graced Duval with a glower that was noticeably less heated than before. "So, you do have some honour, then," he said. "Alright, one last question before we get to the fighting: why the hell do you want my head so badly?! Look, if I kicked your ass back on Baratie, I'm sorry, but you probably had it—"
"You… don't remember?"
Sanji blinked. "Er, no? Should I?"
A deep, mildly hysterical chuckle, much akin to powdered glass, wafted out of the mask. "Oh, I'm going to enjoy this, Black Leg. You'll scream so hard your mouth splits before you die."
Snorting, Sanji crossed one arm behind his back and used the other to beckon Duval forward. "Yeah, yeah, nothing I haven't heard before. Let's get this over with."
"Yes, let's," Duval growled, holding up what looked to be a remote trigger of some kind.
Sanji, recognizing it for what it was, dashed forward. Of course, there was no way possible that he was fast enough to stop a button press, and when several hole-studded cylinders popped up on the sides of the pier, he was already changing direction. With a whirr and a click, metal darts shot out of their launchers, Sanji ducking, weaving, and leaping around them. And a good thing, too, because hissing smoke rose wherever they struck.
"Poison," Sanji grunted as he landed, before leaping forward under a barrage of harpoons that Duval had just launched.
"Right you are, Black Leg!" Duval roared. "And you won't—"
"Hey, I remember that smell. He's using that Scorpion poison stuff Crocodile used," Luffy noted from the Sunny.
"Oh, good, I should have some antidote left…" Chopper sighed in relief.
"Tarnation!"
"Concasse!"
Anything else Duval might have said was lost when Sanji's heel nearly consummated a date with his face, instead slamming into his harpoon launcher. Impressively, the thing did not break, though it did acquire a prominent dent.
Landing on Duval's mount's head, Sanji launched a barrage of kicks. Impressively, Duval blocked or ducked under a majority of them.
"Hurk!"
Less impressively, that still left several to hit him, and they all landed in his gut.
At this pained grunt from its master, the buffalo brayed and shook its head. Footing lost, Sanji flipped off the animal and right onto a trap door that opened the moment he touched it.
"Sky Walk!" Sanji barked, pushing off onto solid ground.
"Good job, Motobaro. Now, run him down!"
Snorting, the big black buffalo Duval was riding pawed at the ground and then charged Sanji. Charged him at a speed of ten miles an hour, or thereabouts. Sanji rolled his eyes.
"Really? Oh, well. Poitrine—!"
"Not so fast!"
Eyes widening, Sanji jumped back from another spread of harpoons—just as two more launchers popped up, aiming right at him.
"Hahaha!" Duval cackled. "Midair, no way to run!"
"You think so?" Sanji wryly replied. "Aperitif!"
Razor air lashed out, neatly decapitating one of the launchers. The other survived long enough to fire its darts, but without its brother, Sanji twisted in midair, feet rising up in the perfect position to kick the first harpoon of the latest salvo into the rest of them.
Appreciative ohs and ahs rose from the Sunny. Duval was less appreciative, judging from the audible grinding of his teeth.
"So, what else can you do?" Sanji asked.
One remote trigger was discarded, and another took its place.
KABOOM!
An explosion engulfed the part of the pier Sanji was standing on, spraying shattered wood every which way. The cook, though, was well above the blast, soaring into the air. With a cry of "Sky Walk!", he shot down, reaching Duval before he could react, and landing a heavy kick on the man's helmet.
The sound of a ringing bell filled the base. Most notably, though, his helmet went flying.
"Fine!" Duval barked. "Take… Take a good look at my scarred face!"
The helmet hitting the planking echoed over the entire base, audible mostly due to the complete and utter silence that had descended.
"I've waited for this day… In order to send you to hell, I set out to sea! But finding you has been a problem because the face on the wanted poster is different from the face of the person himself!"
Clearly, Duval was winding up for a pretty impressive rant. I almost wish I could have heard it.
"PFFFHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"/"HOOHOOHOOHEEHEEHEEHAHAHA!"
Unfortunately for him, I couldn't be made to give half a fuck on account of how I was absolutely, positively busting my gut at the sight of DUVAL'S FRICKIN' BRILLIANT FACE, PFHAHAHAHA!
I'M SORRY, BUT EVEN TO THIS DAY I CAN'T THINK OF THAT WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL MOMENT WITHOUT CRACKING UP! PFFHAHAHA! IT WAS ALL JUST SO BRILLIANT!
S-Seriously, seriously, you know how up until now I've been giving Oda-sensei a hard time about how his art can't match up to reality? Well, in this case, he got it exactly right! Down to the last detail, Duval's face looked like… like—PFFHAHAHA! OH MY GOD, HE JUST LOOKED SO! FREAKIN' STUPID! PFFHAHAHAAAA!
But ah, ah, before you judge me too harshly for laughing at another man's… unfortunate lot in life… let me claim thusly in my defence:
"MWAHAHAHAAA!"
I was not the only one howling like a maniac.
Seriously, at least I was standing up. Merry had collapsed; she was laughing her ass off so hard. And it wasn't just her!
"YOHOHO! YOHOHO!"
Brook was busy rolling on the deck, pounding his bony knuckles on the grass. "M-My gut—! No, my sides—! Can't breathe—! Oh, for the love, I'm laughing too hard to think of a good skull joke! YOHOHO!"
"HAHAHA!" Boss was wheezing like a chimney, leaning against the railing for support. "A-A duel to the death for honour is a Man's Romance… " He threw his head back, cackling like a Romanian vampire. "BUT THIS IS DEFINITELY A MAN'S NIGHTMARE RIGHT HERE! HAHAHA!"
"GO, BO—AHAHA!" the cackling pile of blubber and shells that was once our ship's guard howled.
"Wow…" Conis covered her mouth in awe. "They look just like each other!"
"Like two peas in a pod," Zoro calmly agreed.
"Ohh, hon—ey?" Su cut herself off mid-word, glancing off to the side with narrow(er) eyes before hopping off our gunner's shoulder. "Chopper, can I see you for a second?"
"Huh?" The reindeer looked up from… whatever madness he'd been scribbling in his notebook before shrugging and following the fox to who-knows-where.
"Must not laugh, must not laugh, laughing will make daddy oh so cross and start a war!" Vivi repeated to herself, teeth clamped on her thumb's knuckle with almost religious fervour.
"Exshept thish time you won't shtawt a waw, wemembah?"
"…oh, right. HAHAHA! I'M SO SORRY, SANJI, BUT-BUT-BAHAHAHA!"
"-(๑ ‿ #)ᕗ" Gif's eyes flashed gleefully, searing the scene into her memory.
From Sanji's expression, he so wanted to cuss us all out. But given that a handful of the ladies on the crew were laughing just as hard…
"I am conflicted…" he muttered. Then his eyes locked on me, and his blank expression became one of undiluted rage. "Conflicted because I don't know whether to murder you now or after I deal with this. Either way, Jeremiah 'Voice of Anarchy' Cross? You are a dead man walking."
"Drag me down to the ninth circle and out through Satan's ass, I couldn't care less, I'm dying happy today! PFHAHAHA!"
"RRRRRAAAGH! YOU DARE!?"
Apparently, Sanji wasn't the only one intent on making me suffer today.
"You little pricks! You dare to laugh at my misery!? The hell you bastards brought down on me!?" Duval bellowed, waving his harpoon gun in our general direction. "I was gonna let you go, but now once I'm done with this life-ruining bastard, I—!"
CRUNCH!
" —GWUH!?"
"Shut—!" THWACK! "Up!" SMACK! "You—!" CRUNCH! "Idiot!" "CONCUSS!" "AND YOU STAY OUT OF THIS, ESCARGOT!"
Panting, Sanji removed his foot from Duval's skull, letting the former mafia boss collapse in an unconscious heap.
"You ever think of changing your hairstyle?!" he snapped. "Growing a beard? Anything?!"
"W'ld… ruin… m' h'ndsome l'ks…" the swollen-faced bandit boss slurred out.
As one, the Flying Fish Rider audience slapped their palms and gaped in dawning realization.
"Really?! How stupid are—Ugh, forget this," Sanji grumbled, glaring at the downed Duval. "Stay unconscious for a bit. I'll deal with you in a minute." With that, he blurred from the dock, reappearing on the railing to loom over me with a blazing glare. "Any last words, Monsieur dead man?"
I paused in my laughing, thought long and hard, and then I looked Sanji, Black Leg Sanji, the third strongest on our crew, dead in the eye and smiled. "I," I announced without shame. "Have been waiting for this since Water 7, and I was not disappointed."
CRACK!
"Pfhahaha!" I giggle-cackled as I rolled on the deck from the punt Sanji had delivered unto me. "Pfhaha—ow!— haha! Argh, damn—pff!—damn it, Sanji, did you have to kick me in the ribs?! It hurts when I laugh!"
"Yeah, and I did it because you wouldn't stop laughing!"
"I-I can't help it! This is just so! Fucking! Hilari—!"
THWACK!
That one actually made me black out. When I finally came back around, it was to the sound of much rejoicing. It only took a moment for me to connect the dots, though it took a bit longer for me to get back up and see the proof with my own eyes: the Bishōnen Duval flexing before his cheering men while the rest of the crew looked on with varying degrees of interest. Sanji, for his part, was giving the made-over mob boss an odd mixture of boredom and satisfaction.
"So…" I drew his attention with a tentative cough, tugging at my collar when he glared down at me. "You gave him the facelift?"
Sanji's cheek twitched viciously. "I was going to ask you if it would work or if it would kill him, but then I decided that both were acceptable outcomes," he responded darkly.
"Er…" I swallowed heavily. "Right. Acceptable. Let's go with that."
"More importantly… HEY, MORON!" Sanji barked at Duval.
"What? You called me handsome?" he responded, winking at oh that is not considered winking in any part of the multiverse!
If the full-body shudder that ran through our cook was anything to go by, he agreed. "If you don't give us back Camie right now, I'm still going to kick your ass inside out!" Sanji paused and then redoubled his scowl. "And your face, too!"
Duval's expression flashed panic, and then snapped right back into a warm smile. "Of course, of course, she's free to go! Honestly, now that I'm so dashing, the whole thing seems foolish!"
"'Now'?!" Donny hissed incredulously.
"Ryota, go get her."
"Right away, Head," one Rider saluted, running for the building in which they were keeping Camie.
"He's in for a nasty SURPRI-ISE~" Soundbite snickered with a wicked grin.
"Huh?" I glanced at the gastro-ass. "What are you—?"
"AAAHHH!" the Rider suddenly wailed in horror, running back out of the hut. "HEAD, SHE'S GONE!"
"WHAT?!" Duval roared, his handsome features turning fearful. Then they turned ferocious. "Wait, that's also where we were keeping—! Damn it, the Macros!"
He raised his head, and fear promptly replaced his outrage again at the sight of Luffy and Sanji glaring at him. "Y-Y-Young Masters, please don't be angry. Fishmen can't outpace our Flying Fish; we'll track them to Sabaody and get her back. A-And of course, you're free to come with us!"
Soundbite cocked his eyestalk as he smirked at the gangboss. "CONGRATULATIONS, you pass the sincerity test."
All eyes turned back to Soundbite, who rolled his eyestalks before jabbing them at a spot near the building where Camie had been. "YOU WERE RIGHT, the Macros TRIED TO TAKE HER. That doesn't mean they succeeded."
"Aye! And we made damn sure of it, too!"
All attention turned to one of the base's alleyways, where a Heavy Point Chopper was holding Camie in his arms and had three bound and gagged fishmen beneath his foot, with Su resting contentedly on his hat!?
…eh, I wasn't even that surprised at this point. Still…
"Dare I even ask how this came about?"
"Well," Chopper trailed off as he scratched the back of his head sheepishly.