I sat on my lumpy, rock-filled mattress and watched Lila clean the floor.
She was tiny. Nineteen years old, with messy brown hair and big, terrified eyes. Right now, she was on her hands and knees, fighting a losing battle against the dirty puddle I made.
Her tool of choice was a medieval mop. It was basically a broken branch with three old, dirty peasant shirts tied to the end. It smelled worse than the puddle did. She pushed the wet rags around, her thin shoulders shaking with the effort.
I rested my chin in my hands.
I miss 2024, I thought. Back then, I had a robot vacuum. It bumped into walls and got stuck on my socks, but it worked. Now, my cleaning technology was a scared teenager and a stick. To be fair, the robot vacuum did not have nice legs. Lila did. Her rough wool dress was hiked up so she could kneel, showing off pale, smooth calves.
"You are just spreading the dirt around, Lila," I pointed out.
She flinched. She stopped pushing the stick and looked down. "I am sorry, My Lord. The rags are already soaked. We have no dry cloths left in the Keep."
I sighed loudly and looked up at the leaky stone ceiling.
"Oh, Great Swiffer," I muttered dramatically. "Why have you forsaken me? I would trade a whole village for a roll of Paper Towels. The thick kind. Two-ply."
Lila gasped loudly. She dropped the stick. Her hands flew up to her chest, making a strange protective sign over her heart. She looked at me in absolute terror.
"My Lord!" she whispered. "Please, do not call upon the dark ones! The Maester says demons will hear you!"
I blinked. "Demons?"
"The... the demon Swiff-Er," she stammered, her face pale. "And the beast known as Pae-Per-Towl. Please, do not invite them into the Keep! I will clean the floor with my own dress if I must!"
I almost laughed out loud. She actually thought Bounty paper towels were ancient evil spirits. This was incredible. I decided to lean into it immediately.
"Do not fear, Lila," I said, using a deep, serious voice. "I have bound the demon Swiff-Er. He cannot hurt you. But the Great Wi-Fi... he is still angry. He is the reason the water is so cold."
Lila nodded quickly. She totally believed me. She grabbed the wet rags and started scrubbing twice as fast. She clearly wanted to finish the job before the Wi-Fi demon showed up to eat her.
A few minutes later, she stood up. The floor was mostly dry. Her face was flushed, and a light sweat shined on her forehead. She wiped her hands on her apron. Then, she noticed it.
Sitting in the corner of my room was the giant wicker basket Pru had delivered earlier. It was overflowing with the morning's laundry. Tunics, aprons, and right on top, a massive pile of the maids' dirty, sweat-soaked underwear. Marta's, Elara's, and Sienna's.
Lila's eyes widened. She recognized Marta's heavy linen smallclothes right away.
"Oh," Lila said quietly. She walked over to the basket. "Pru must have left the wash here by mistake. I will take this down to the river for you, My Lord."
She reached her hands out to grab the handles.
"Stop!" I barked, jumping off the bed.
Lila froze. She snatched her hands back like the basket was on fire.
"Do not touch the royal artifacts," I warned her. I walked over and stood between her and my precious Sniff Shrine.
"Artifacts?" Lila asked. She looked at the pile of dirty underwear. Then she looked at me. Her cheeks turned bright red. She was young, but she wasn't completely stupid.
"This is an official Keep inspection basket," I lied smoothly. I reached into the pile. I pulled out a sturdy, heavy pair of unwashed linens. They belonged to Elara. They still smelled like field dirt and S-tier female exertion. "The economy is bad. We must check the fabric quality. Every day."
To prove my point, I held the dirty panties up to my face. I closed my eyes and took a deep, theatrical sniff.
"Mmm," I hummed. "Heavy wear and tear. Good salt content. A very productive day in the fields."
Lila let out a tiny squeak. Her face was so red I thought she might pass out. She backed away from the basket, her hands covering her mouth.
"You... you are smelling them, My Lord," she whispered.
"Quality control, Lila," I said, tossing the underwear back into the pile. I took a step toward her. I smiled my most unhinged, degenerate smile. "And soon, you will join the rotation. You are very clean right now. But don't worry. A few weeks working for me, and you will be sweating just like the rest of them. And I inspect everything."
Lila's breath hitched. She stared at my mouth. She was terrified, but she didn't run away. The slow corruption was already starting.
Before I could say another pervy word, heavy footsteps echoed in the stone hallway.
"My Lord!"
It was Willem. He stood in the doorway. He looked like he was about to have a stroke. He held his ledger in one hand and rubbed his temples with the other.
"What now, Willem Gruntfucker?" I sighed, turning away from Lila. "Did the demon Pae-Per-Towl attack the kitchen?"
Lila gasped and hid behind the door.
Willem ignored my joke. He looked completely defeated.
"It is the villagers, My Lord," Willem groaned. "Word has spread. They heard you let Old Farmer Jeb pay his taxes with his daughter."
"And?" I asked. "Are there more thick girls waiting outside? Tell them to come in."
"No, My Lord," Willem said, his voice cracking. "There is a man in the courtyard. He refuses to pay the silver tax. Instead, he brought a three-legged pig and a bag of dirty turnips. He is demanding the 'Jeb Discount'."
My jaw dropped.
"A three-legged pig?" I repeated.
"Yes, My Lord. And right behind him is a woman offering to pay her taxes with a jar of fermented badger milk. The courtyard is full of them. They are bringing us their garbage."
I rubbed my eyes. I wanted to build a harem of sweaty maids. Instead, I accidentally started a medieval flea market.
"Fine," I grumbled, walking past a trembling Lila and out the door. "Let's go look at the pig. But if it doesn't have nice thighs, I'm sending it back."