A collection of short Valentine scenes for Original and Crossover Characters who appeared in the Orleans chapters, in a hypothetical scenario where they were summoned in Canon Chaldea.
Ahab
"Hmm," The old whaler grunts, his face growing pensieve. "Hmmmm. Chocolate… is it?"
"That's right!" Ritsuka chirps. "For all your help!"
"Aye, I understand. And, if I be not mistaken, the custom in thy country is… a return gift, yes?"
"No, don't feel too obligated…" She responds, but the bashful smile on her face makes it obvious she expects something in exchange.
"...So be it." He sighs. "There be little I can give thee, however. Spare peg-legs and harpoons ill suit thee, Master."
The Avenger spends a few moments stroking his chin. "Ah. I suppose there be that!"
With that, he disappears back into his room - and a moment later, he deposits a misshapen gray hunk of wax in his Master's expectant hands. A moment later, her face twists in a grimace. "What… is this stuff?"
"Ambergris," He answers. "One of the byproducts of my trade. We sold it to perfumers, to craft their goods."
Ritsuka takes a tentative whiff of the substance- "Bleck! It reeks!"
Her Servant lets out a bark of laughter. "Tis an ingredient, Master, not the perfume itself!"
"But what is it?"
"Ambergris is formed in the gut of the Sperm Whale - thou shouldst be glad, Master, 'tis illegal to hunt this sort of thing these days!"
"Th-thanks…" Ritsuka says, forcing a grin onto her face as she pockets what is arguably solidified fecal matter.
***
Ambergris.
A natural waxy substance found in the intestines of sperm whales. Used as a fixative to allow scents to last much longer, it is highly valued by perfume makers. Even a piece this small would be worth over a thousand United States Dollars - although, it is illegal to even possess in that country.
***
Reid
"Happy Valentine's!" Fujimaru says the moment Reid's door opens.
"Oh? Making an offer, you?" A lurid grin appears on his face.
"Not in the slightest!" She says, raising her Command Spells menacingly.
"I get it, I get it. No need to go that far, you," The Sword Saint says with a sigh, before changing the subject. "Hey, if you're giving out that obligation chocolate or whatever, hurry and give some to Beardie, you. Idiot's pissed at me for getting something before he did."
"Blackbeard, huh… ugh, he's totally gonna give me porn as a return gift, though," Ritsuka groans. "-But on that subject, who even gave you chocolate?"
"Hey, what the hell are you implying, you!? I'm the freaking Sword Saint, you! I can get a woman, you!" He shouts, incensed.
"Oh yeah? Then who actually gave you Chocolate today?" Ritsuka retorts with a smirk.
"...It was the Arneb brat. But! But, there'll be more! Musashi! Musashi promised me chocolates yesterday! Just because she hasn't showed up yet…"
"That…" Ritsuka thinks back to when she saw Musashi speaking to Hassan of Serenity yesterday. And Shuten Douji. And Wu Zetian. And Paracelsus. And Circe. "...I'm sure that'll go great for you!" She gives him a beaming smile.
"No question of it, you!" He grins. Yeah, this guy is gonna get poisoned and then challenged to a duel.
"...Anyway, why would Louis give you chocolate? I know you guys are from the same world, but-"
"Was for her brother, probably. Using his body right now, after all." He heaves a sigh. "...That damn Young Fish probably put her up to it."
For a moment, Ritsuka contemplates asking a bit more about the relationship between Natsuki Subaru and him. But, in the end, she decides it's not really her business. And so- "Return gift, please!" She holds out her hand expectantly, a beaming smile on her face.
"Huh? Oh, sure… I've got a spare magazine around here somewhere…" Reid mutters.
"Exactly the same as Blackbeard…" His Master mumbles.
***
Swimsuit Magazine.
A magazine advertising various women's swimsuits. A gift typical of the crass Sword Saint.
…Well, that said, it's actually rather tame by the standards of Earth. Reid, having come from a medieval world with no oceans, gets worked up just from the idea of a swimsuit. Blackbeard has made a killing pawning off this low power level merch on his friend.
***
"Good Morning, Fujimaru-chan. How do you feel today?" A familiar voice asks her.
But it's impossible. Because, that person, is already-
"Hm? You look kind of pale… are you not feeling okay?" He steps forward, removing a glove to check her temperature. "Hm… well, you can just rest if you want. It's White Day today, but… I'm sure everyone will understand if you need to take the day off."
Doctor Romani Archman's kind smile is the same as it always was. Why did she think that…
"I'm fine, Doctor. I think I just-" had a bad dream, she wants to say.
But deep down Fujimaru Ritsuka knows that isn't true. Even though she wants to fall into this beautiful illusion-
"This return gift… is way too cruel, Francois."
Francois Prelati
The false world shatters, and she finds herself once again standing face to face with the grinning Alchemist. "Hm? You didn't like it? Not quite saccharine enough? I got observations for some of your Lostbelt friends too, do you want me to-"
Naturally, she punches him in the face.
***
A Beautiful World
The return gift of Francois Prelati. A Chaldea that can never be.
All of your friends are here. Even those already departed, even the crypters who you might have been friends with in some other life. It's all been handcrafted with love and care, based on Chaldea's records which he received from his living counterpart.
By the way, if you make the wrong choice, this Valentine Scene has hours upon hours of Bad Ends to keep you entertained. But it goes without saying at this point - the moment you opt into the illusion, there is no Good End to be found.
***
Chlodovech
"Chocolate, huh? Awfully presumptuous of you, brat," The pint-sized king says with a grin.
"And yet, Gilgamesh accepts it every year!" Ritsuka says, smiling back.
"Seriously!?" For just a moment, his normally deep voice cracks, and Ritsuka freezes the sound of Chlodovech's true voice in her mind.
"That's right, so don't you dare look down on it!" The Last Master of Humanity points at him. "Also, your real voice is super cute."
"Y-you want me to split your skull, brat!?" He stutters.
"No, but I will accept a return gift."
"S-so shameless!" The Rider takes a single step back. "W-well, I did prepare for this, though… here."
He vanishes into his room for a moment, shortly returning with a vase almost as tall as he is.
"Hm…" Ritsuka strokes her chin, looking up and down the vase, her eyes catching the glittering lines of gold running through it. "Wait, is this-?"
"The Vase of Soissons - Kintsugi edition. Your people have some interesting ideas about art - but I like 'em," Chlodovech explains. "I was gonna go with a pure white lily, but… well, I'm sure you've already got one from another French servant, and white isn't the most flattering color with Earth in its current state."
"Y-you're not going to split my skull if I break it, right?" his Master asks.
"...I regret that now, I think," He admits after a moment. "The man who broke it was thinking of his king's prestige. He didn't do it because he hated me, but because he loved me… but I still resented it enough to murder him over it later."
The First King of France leans against the wall and sighs. "Blame the alcohol, I guess. Made fools of us all. The King of Conquerors too - he's got a story like this one."
"Ah, I think he said something like 'I wouldn't have become the King of Conquerors sober' when it came up a while back," Ritsuka says with a forced smile, and Chlodovech lets out a bark of laughter.
"That's right! I can't imagine I'd have gone for half of that nonsense I pulled back then if I wasn't drunk!" His sharp-toothed grin turns menacing. "Say, Master, aren't you of legal drinking age now-?"
"SorryI'mbusygottago!" She disappears in a flash.
***
The Vase of Soissons
An enormous vase, painstakingly pieced back together with gold.
To shatter something beautiful, and then remake something just as lovely from the wreckage - if this form of art had been known to Chlodovech in life, he would have adopted it with glee.
He did eat the chocolate later, but even though he enjoyed it greatly, he didn't apologize for turning his nose up at first. Until King Gilgamesh came after him, anyway.
"You dare look down on that which suits your king, mongrel!?"