I open the window. The morning light illuminating my room and the breeze brushing against my skin. I sat down on the edge of the window, staring into the sky.
It's been three years after that incident. The day where I lost both of my parents, they died in a car accident.
I still remember that day clearly, three months away before my high school graduation that accident happened. I was shocked, couldn't believe it.
When, my parents was buried, I only stood still staring at their coffin inside my aunt arm's. Not a single tears came out of my eyes, I don't know why, but I guess I still couldn't accept the reality.
After that day I stopped myself from talking and made a connection with the others. One by one my classmates made a distance from me, even my best friends.
But I think that is understandable, because Haru that they used to know had gone.
Days passed, every time I came home from school, I locked myself inside the house. I couldn't stopped myself thinking about the accident, making my mind always filled with thought that I never wanted, and the loneliness only made it worse.
One night, those thought haunted me more than ever had, consuming my sanity. Those thought made me miss the time where my parents always stood by my side.
That thought almost made me gave up on everything, only to see their smile once again.
'Haru, you're a strong boy. And we knew that you can face everything by yourself!'
That was the words that my parents always told me, the word that saved me at last. But, now I felt pathetic whenever remembered those words, because those words didn't suit me anymore.
On graduation day, everything went so fast. I couldn't remember that day clearly. That day supposed to be the best day of my life, but turned into a hollow memory. Even though my aunt was there for me.
Three years after that accident I was supposed to be at university, just like my father always wanted, instead, now I ended up locked myself in the house, still unable to face the truth.
Everyday in my silence, I'm hoping this was all just a nightmare. That soon I would wake up. That soon someone could help me out of this nightmare.
'Haaah... if only it doesn't happened maybe...'
* * *
Bzzt... Bzzt... Bzzt...
My phone buzzed, pulling me out of my thought.
As I expected, it was message from Mia.
I don't know where to start, but it's been three month since we started texting each other. I met her accidentally from random chatting apps.
I even don't know what made someone like me decided to do something so pathetic.
–Mia is a expressive and cheerful person. she's one year younger than me, but sometimes I felt she's more mature than me.
Every morning before she went to college, she always sent me her selfie. I don't even remembered when I asked her to sent me her picture. Moreover I only send her my picture once, back when we exchange our contact.
I know it's weird for a girl to do something like that, but I guess she had her own reasons.
Also, we never had a call or even face time, I know it's also sound weird but I tried to set some boundaries for myself. But, if I'm being honest, I actually wanted to talk to her and see her smile.
–As usual she sent me her picture. But, today she looks cuter than usual. Her short hair until her shoulder that suit on her perfectly. Her brown-eyes was shone. Her small mouth smiling. adorned with a pink lip glosses.
I don't even know what to say. But she just.. really... really look extraordinary for me.
'Morning Haru, don't forget to smile'
I stare at her message longer than I should, I couldn't help but smile. I swear there was something magical about her.
'Morning, I guess you're still same as usual'
Also, whenever I talk with her I felt something inside me was alive once again. It was relieved, but it also concern me the most.
'I'm always trying to be better than yesterday you know. But you still feel the same as the first time we met'
Guess she was right but not completely right. This is how I am interact with other people now, lame and quite emotionless. Even though there was some kind of feeling that changed me a little, but I don't know what it was.
'I'm sorry, but I'm always trying to get better each days for you, you know'
What.. What did I just say?, that was suddenly came inside my mind. I don't think that was the right response I should use, I guess this is the end for me.
But, before I could sent another text to clarify, she replied with something I never imagine.
'Then I'll be here always, cheering for you'
Those word stunned me, my heart started beating so fast that I even felt my face getting hotter.
"Huh?"
I don't know what to respond there, I felt lost in her words, for a few minutes I couldn't think anything else and just stared at her text.
She sent me text once again, woke me up.
'I'm sorry it's just a joke as usual, don't take it seriously. LOL'
Another message sent;
'See you kael'
I guess I was too excited, even though I know what kind of person Mia is. But, I felt that this time she wasn't joking. Feeling could be wrong, that's what most people said, but I hope it wasn't.
When I'm still staring at Mia text, a sound of knocking door was heard. I walked toward the door then open it.
Just like what I expected it was my aunt. She came to my house delivering a food.
For past three years aunt Maya is the one who taken care of me. Every morning she delivered a food to my house. Her house isn't far from mine, about two hundred meters.
She stood in front of the door staring at me with smile across her face. Even though she was in her forties, her smile always warm.
"Haru... here's the food" She handed the lunch box at me.
Her voice was soft, but I can tell there was something concern her from her voice.
"Thanks..."
I'm looking down while took the lunchbox. It was not like I disrespect her, but I felt embarrassed, because for the past three years I always relied on her, especially for the meals.
"Thanks..."
After thanked her I closed the door, trying to not chatting with her any further. But, before the door closed something was prevent the door from being shut.
"Haru..."
Aunt voice called me. I gathered courage, before peeking at her. Her hand was holding the door, I looked up into her face.
Our eyes met. She stared straight into my eyes, but this time her stare was different than before, her eyes visibly teared up.
"You know it's been few years after that accident, I think you should move on and be your old self"
My feeling was right, I don't remember how many time she had talk about this. Even though what she told me was right, I don't think I can, and I didn't even know how to fix my self.
"I... I KNOW!"
For a second my despair suddenly took over my mind, I've had enough hearing those words for so many time. I even didn't realize that I had shouted to my aunt.
A tears came out of her eyes, made me realize of what I've done. I know I've been doing something that I shouldn't do, a stupid mistake that could destroy my life even more.
"Aunt I... I didn't meant to"
My body shaking, I didn't know what to do. My mind couldn't handle the fact I did terrible thing to my aunt, the only person who has always care to me.
Confused, I decided to close the door. A dumb and selfish decision. I tried to run away from reality again, and honestly it was making me look very... very disgusting.
I heard my aunt voice – sobbing behind the door. I only stood there in silence and still couldn't believe what I've done.
After a few minutes, I heard aunt footsteps walking away, fading. I felt really sorry from what I've done, but I only could thought and couldn't apologize to her.
I sat down on the floor leaned against the door, grabbing my hair. for umpteenth time I felt pathetic about myself, because of me being too weak – couldn't handle my own mind, and ended up hurting someone else feeling.
I think I should've ended myself that day, I don't think I deserve to continue my life.
'Arghh!.. God please tell me what should i do!?'
I wanna cry but my tears wouldn't even come out.
***