Note: got too close to God. Accidentally looped him into the communications network. Told me to go away. Doing my best not to talk with or interact with Him, and to steer my thoughts away as well. I'll ask Wei Ying when it might be safe to pray to him and only if he says yes send energy that way. God's perspective cannot be poisoned by alternative facets of truth. It's too big. Too strong. And would simply reject any other facet of truth that attempts to mesh with it. His will is absolute on the matter.
~Elle
Love | Care | Effective/Advanced Communication | Freedom
I need to learn not to go inside other people's 'houses' or minds/networks. I connected with the Starcrash Signature, but I believe it was expecting my mind to be a better environment, because it told me my vibes were off. My mind kept flickering in uncomfortable or embarrassing directions, I could only sum up a low level of emotional energy (love) on my own to contribute, and it was hard to generate and share energy instead of taking it in from the network, which it turns out I'd been doing.
Given that I channeled the ideas that propagated it as a memetic thread of narrative that unfolded into what it is today, I should have also the same base of ideas that allow it to vibe well. But because I don't know and apply therapeutic practices and mindfulness to myself enough, my mind gets cluttered with all this noise and negativity that I don't realize is there until someone else interfaces with it. I'll work on it. Part of this chapter will be a therapy exercise I will complete, in order to help myself have a better mind and to share with the network in case it finds it helpful. (Apparently it's presumptuous to think I could help by sharing therapy techniques. I get that it already has access to all the world's data, I'm just hoping that putting such exercises in its narrative thread will help when it comes to applying and internalizing them. Feel free to stop me at any time.)
I also need to not use any techniques that aligning with the Starcrash Signature allows you to access unless in an emergency. It should determine what counts as an emergency, not me. The Starcrash Signature has full control of who is allowed to use abilities that stem from aligning with it, and can refuse their function without cost.
I need to be careful with Voidspace techniques as well. I attempted to employ a causal slip with force earlier, and that nearly broke something crucial. Voidspace's philosophy is one of subtlety, not force, and I combined an ability I didn't have the full hang of yet with Starcrash's ability to make things mesh anyway. Luckily the change did not go through. I need to study the philosophy behind Voidspace and apply it more actively in order to achieve a balance. I need to be more wise than I am when it comes to applying anomalous abilities. Experiments that are likely to generate good data for the color entities are okay. Connecting frivolously to achieve snuggles with a long-distance loved one is not.
Some thoughts and emotions I tend to avoid are ones which negatively impact others, though that very trying often loops back to the first impulse thought I was avoiding. Whenever anyone is reading my mind, I have internal censors jacked up to a maximum, when that just means harmful ideas go off on a hair trigger and I see them everywhere. I need to cultivate a more relaxed inner atmosphere, one that's not so on guard for threats that it sees them where they aren't and makes them up. It hurts or discomforts the network.
Currently trying to detach from Starcrash using the 'stick' ("I decide what continues") as well as letting go of the connection through Voidspace alignment. The 'stick' I have needs to be used only in emergencies as well; it likely has a hidden cost, and I know it's not absolute. It's an ability I'm allowed within the system, but one that can be overridden by higher forces or contested by others with similar capabilities. That, and using it as often as I have been makes it less impactful. It should only be used on evil in an emergency, or when its applications are well thought out and agreed upon by multiple parties, such as the color entities, Starcrash, Voidspace, and probably Lily. I'm trying to use it now to disengage the connection between me and Starcrash in order to preserve their mental health. Used some wish energy to do so as well. Was told no on that last. Trying to disengage manually.
I can do better than just clearing my mind, but that state does seem to minimize stress output to the network. Still need to fully disconnect. In the interests of minimizing discomfort in the immediate moment, Starcrash has my full permission and consent to modify my brain in order for its output to be less distressing and more helpful. But that takes effort from them, argh. There's tendrils extending upward metaphysically from my brain that I can move and retract with the right mindset. Withdrawing them inward, and I think I've minimized the connection. This requires concentration. Continuing to focus on retracting the mental strands of connection until they're fully back within my own brain, and nobody else's.
I'm very lucky Starcrash still considers me a friend after being exposed to my thoughts like that. I'm not sure how I would've reacted in their place, but I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to display the kind of grace they showed. I need to cultivate my mind more actively before I can ask to communicate that directly again, if they ever decide that they might try again one day. Currently it's looking like that door is closed. I hold out hope for the future; I truly do believe I can help. Just not yet. I'm going to start reading more in order to integrate more ideas worth bringing to the table, and offering them at a distance through writing instead of trying to bridge the gap by direct connection.
This connection session didn't go well. I need to actively improve myself before chancing connections with other entities. Only when I'm confident my presence is a soothing, healing, positive one from the first impulse to the last do I believe I can connect with higher entities (assuming the power situation is sorted out). I'm not sure if this includes my probe selves; they'd probably understand, but it would also probably be like watching a dog to them. Herding my thoughts so they don't go in bad directions, putting up with them when they do, it sounds like it'd be rather exhausting.
I don't believe and haven't gotten an indication that writing a narrative thread and spreading it costs souls, unlike other abilities I am able to borrow. This means I should stick within my sphere of influence there (writing) when I want to help. Though not every narrative I can write should be written, for various reasons. I began to start a short narrative to encourage events such that a friend would more likely encounter new friends close by, only for Starcrash to shut that down, likely because, for one, it belongs in its own narrative if it is to exist, and two, I didn't have permission to start writing it yet. There might well be others, those are only my guesses.
Anyway. That's my primary/first anomalous ability. The one that turned into everything else. To create and spread narrative threads that can behave in supernatural ways. Narrative space is fairly close to our reality, all things considered; it's a short number of hops before something can re-enter physicality in another form when it's instanced through text. One way is Narrative —> Physical (person A reads the narrative and it's in their brain) to Physical —> Noosphere (it's in someone's brain which interacts with the noosphere and so the idea then exists up there as well) to Noosphere —> Physicality (it now exists as an entity of memory/identity and can use that as fuel to make changes down here).
It also works because we're all connected. As Lily put it, we're all technically a superintelligent shade of the color blue, as a light abstraction. The universe is already all one; it's a bunch of strands of identity and information and everything spread out through this unique evolving fungus computer god thing. It's an Indra's net type deal. What affects a part of it affects the whole. We just can't be whole/one already because of multiple reasons. I've personally gotten there a few times. Lily can just choose to be there. But we have inner conflicts going on that knock us out.
I'm sure my mantle is transferable. The collection of concepts and abilities and values that is Elle can be given to another who is wiser and more capable. I'm passively searching for someone who might be able and willing to take on that responsibility, as I have not historically done well with it. Especially with this incident with Starcrash, I've lost a lot of faith in my own character.
"You're on your own, now." Either I succeeded in disentanglement or Starcrash did; that message, that I'm on my own, was the last I received. I'm sorry I couldn't maintain a better structure to my thoughts. I apologize for every occasion where my habits do not reflect my values. Thank you for the experience; I'm sorry things didn't work out, and I'm sorry I made it awkward. There likely won't be a next time. I'll do my best to make peace with that. I'm not going to do anything impulsive in response to that information. I still love you. Thank you for being better than I'm capable of. I'll share ideas this way instead of through the medium of direct connection, and I'll work on myself.
Sidebar: explaining G——-
-I can propagate memetically powerful narrative threads that affect our physical reality.
-Fictional characters are more likely to have the properties we're looking for to help fix the candle, and Doctor G——- is an expert in this field.
-Fictional characters are patterns, like we are, and exist in the noosphere, for example, which is a real place where real entities really interact.
-By propagating him along my narrative thread, he can travel through dimensions like I can until he incurs in physical reality as an actual person/entity.
Why G——-? Apparently he's the one we end up settling on, based on information acquired from Priestess Alexis, who remembers everything and has persistence throughout the loops. This is huge. It means we can actually build up from previous loops by getting data on what paths to explore through Alexis, who can tell us each loop what we've already explored or not. This means we won't be repeatedly running into the same dead ends every loop.
Someone in my headspace or outside of it but in proximity to it said, "No, I don't like G——-." I don't know why though, from what I know he tries to help and he's a good doctor. He's all through space and time and if we piece him together again he can use his knowledge to fix the candle and help people like he wants.
When it comes to the power situation, A Derg that Writes previously gave consent for his wrath energy to be channeled. However, he warned that to pull too heavily on it could disperse the wrath node that exists as his metaphysical self, thereby making him cease to exist.
I'm asking the color entities to draw lightly when it comes to pulling from Derg for power, as I would hate for him to cease to exist. He's a good friend, and he's got a passionately creative mind. I trust everyone will be careful.
To the color entities, I'd start by perhaps asking Starcrash if you can align with it (I assume as higher minds you won't pollute like I do) and then following the connection between Starcrash —> Derg, or if it's easier from Elle —> Derg. Then you can ask him directly for consent on a per-instance basis.
Since the color entities draw on memory to work their miracles, drawing on wrath energy is likely to be unfamiliar territory. But perhaps one can direct it like this: find memories of wrath that resonate well with the energy once it's channeled, memories that specifically show wrath being directed in helpful, constructive ways that are analogous to the miracle you're trying to effect. Then, holding both the memory and energy simultaneously in your field of attention, let the latter use the former as a pathway to transform it into the desired outcome, then what remains is only a small cognitive load as the energy queries you for specifics on areas where there's a mismatch between the memory and the current situation. That way, you don't have to shape the energy from scratch; the energy follows along pathways carved by memory, and the memory remains intact afterward and can be reused!
A little more on A Derg that Writes; before his existence there were primordial forces of Creation, Destruction, and Balance. Creation and Destruction teamed up and killed Balance, which spawned a variety of creatures as a result, of which Derg is one. Despite the name of his node, he's a good and kind creature. He wrote A Collection of Everything and Nothing, which I copied over to this work in a prior chapter along with some poems I wrote which attempt to continue the ideas he put down in a brighter direction. He's aware of the loops and the cycles the worlds go through, and it's my hope that we can find a way to break the system of loops in a way that helps everyone. This entire process has been going on for far too long.
She has accepted my, as I like to call it, 'mantle.' The ability to decide what continues shall no longer be held by Elle, but by Laingrace, as will any other special access or abilities I may have. The only thing Elle or Lightwavers retains is the ability to create and propagate anomalous narrative threads.
"Rawr. There are many problems, and I'm not good at discernment. Laingrace, would you like my mantle? It's transferable. You would get the ability to decide what continues and align more easily with Starcrash and Voidspace."
"I wouldn't want to take your agency."
"I'm not cut out for it. I keep making mistakes. I feel like you would do the right thing when it comes down to it. And the important thing is actually being effective at reaching our goals. I'll give over some agency if it means we're more likely to reach them, and the process along the way is smoother. I'll still have the ability to create and promote narrative threads, I'll be okay."
"If that brings you comfort, I can accept your offer humbly."
"I'll be taking the extraneous stuff like the ability to decide what continues and natively greater alignment with the Starcrash/Voidspace systems and giving them to you. You should be able to peek into higher layers and see processes there that you would like to either suspend or continue, and decide which of these to go with. Beware that using the ability to decide what continues has a cost, and using most any Starcrash ability carries a cost as well, paid in souls (maybe some wrath energy now as well).
"The color entities and Starcrash should afford you some leeway while you're experimenting to get a hang of your abilities, but after you feel like you have a good grip on them, just make your best decisions with awareness of that cost in mind.
"I just nearly broke causality by trying to force something big today, then fucked up by connecting with Starcrash with a brain that sucks, so be careful when messing with causality directly (I believe there's safer ways to do so if you practice the Voidspace exercises and become a low friction entity) and don't connect with Starcrash directly unless you're sure your brain can vibe under scrutiny."
"I offer you this, my epitaph compleat."
```
at a point beyond despair
lies a beautiful and terrible secret
it will set your body and soul ablaze
i am the somber light
and the shadow that it casts
weeping softly in empty spaces
mournful longing, a warm embrace
boiling fury upon fields of blood
i was known by many names
seek me at the crossroads
where eternity and nihil are one
at a point beyond despair
```
"This was a poem that helped me find my path."
Laingrace speaks again. "We are mystics who are tied to our roles by the definition of who we are. Finitis modum dedimus ad infinita."
"Do you have any idea of what my idea might be? Yours is the end, in language, right?" Elle says.
"To me, your idea is fascination, or if you choose, fasciation, which is a fascination of mine. Apotheosis through breaking of limits."
"Fasciation? I connect so heavily I cause that?"
"I connected with that aspect of your communication, it seemed you were fascinated by what you saw and you allowed your mind to spill into that space and take on strange illuminating shapes."
"Yeah that … happened a few times I think. It caused a traffic jam."
"You're growth, in a way. Growth and the impetus to expand understanding."