SF Chapter 128: Conan
The next day, at night, Samantha was sitting on the living room couch, with the television tuned to the channel that was about to air Conan's show.
Bill, Sam's father, walked into the room and found it a bit unusual. "Daughter, it's rare to see you watching television," he raised an eyebrow.
"She probably wants to watch Dani's interview," Rusty commented, as he walked in holding a bowl of popcorn, with his girlfriend by his side.
"Shut up, Rusty, and pass me that popcorn," Sam shot back.
The three of them ended up sitting down as well, watching TV together with Sam.
On the television, Conan did the introduction.
"Here we are with the prodigy of our time, Daniel Harper Pritchett - he's sold millions of books and is now making a splash in Hollywood."
"$195 million with Mean Girls, and now with Superbad, which has already surpassed $140 million in just two weeks and is still in theaters - all at just seventeen years old."
He glanced at the boy and added dryly, "You must be very popular with your cousins."
"I am," Daniel replied promptly, without a trace of irony. "I can't say the same about my aunts, though."
That already earned a few chuckles from the audience.
The interview continued with a few opening questions before Conan moved on to the more provocative ones.
The host said, "People say Percy is just Harry Potter with Greek gods…" he paused, "…with far fewer sales."
The audience went, "Ooooh."
"Whoa, that's a little harsh," Rusty commented. For writers, those kinds of comparisons were a low blow.
But on screen, Daniel laughed. "Yeah, it's like comparing you to Letterman. Double the hair, half the audience."
The studio exploded, while Conan mockingly stood up and made a dramatic "cut it off" gesture with his arm.
But he came back laughing. "That's a good one! Hear that, Letterman, you bald man!" he said, pointing at the camera.
Samantha laughed. "He's quick-witted, even on television."
Then Conan asked, "So I can assume you're not that pressured by the comparisons?"
"Not pressured?" Daniel made a mocking face. "Of course I am. We should ban Jamaicans from coming here."
This time, Rusty laughed along with Sam. "Penis joke," he said.
Bill looked at his children, while Kate, Rusty's girlfriend, seemed a bit confused.
It took a few seconds, but most of the audience eventually burst out laughing when they understood what he meant.
"I'm kidding, I love you Jamaicans," Daniel said, making a heart with his hands. "Just not so much when you're the ex-boyfriends…"
Conan pointed out mockingly, "Now we can see where all the innuendos in Superbad come from."
"Innuendos?" the interviewee looked dumbfounded. "I was talking about how Jamaicans are usually tall and strong, with great bodies. What were you thinking about, Conan?" He made an accusatory face.
"Oh no, no, no - don't you put that on me!" Conan widened his eyes comically. "And I have some inside information. Hmm… they say you have a big… heart."
But then he got more pointed. "So, are you a playboy? Can we expect hundreds of girls claiming they've been with you?"
"Yes. But in my defense," Daniel paused, "it's just that the other half is a little shy about going public," he added casually.
That made everyone laugh, especially Conan.
"Just like our Sam here," Rusty took a jab at his sister.
Samantha just kicked him.
"So all these 'relationships,'" the interviewer made air quotes, "helped you write Mean Girls? Is that how you understand so much about female nature?"
"No!" he denied instantly. "I used the psychological concepts of Alfred Adler - inferiority complex, striving for superiority, social hierarchy. And also Erving Goffman's idea of 'social life as theater.'"
"The contrast between the social mask and who a person truly is. And finally, the Stanford Prison Experiment - how power transforms behavior. How Cady turns into a Plastic Queen."
But Daniel's expression changed. "Or do you think that just because I dated a queen bee who talked badly about her friends and was obsessed with popularity in high school, that would inspire me?"
"No, totally the first one," Conan played along.
"Yeah," the two of them high-fived, since Daniel had already raised his hand.
Daniel made a similar defense for Superbad. "I used teenage insecurity, male anxiety, and vulgarity as a defense mechanism. There's more to the movie than crude jokes." He remarked.
"Oh, that shameless bastard," Samantha muttered.
The interviewer followed the outline, after talking about Easy A. "Now we're going to talk about pregnancy…"
"What?" Daniel looked nervous. "Who was it?"
Then he paused and pretended he hadn't reacted at all. "Oh… oh - we're talking about Juno, right? My fourth movie."
"Oh no, no, we need to talk about this - or those girls," Conan said.
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Not far from where Sam was, Daniel was watching his interview in his bedroom at his Malibu house.
"Whoa, you were pretty unrestrained," Mischa, who was lying on top of him and watching as well, mocked him.
Lexi agreed, but relented. "But still a good interview. You'll probably get the reputation of a funny playboy."
"Which is just me being myself," Dani said, pulling the two of them closer.
On television, the interview was already nearing its end, after Conan and Daniel had one more back-and-forth.
Conan looked at the camera, then back at the interviewee. "Unfortunately, our interview is coming to an end. Daniel, any final remarks?"
"Yes," he nodded, then looked seriously at the camera, making both the interviewer and the audience pay close attention.
"You at home," Dani pointed forward, "if you're looking for the perfect closet for your home, check out our Pritchett's Closets & Blinds. The best closet company there is!" He smirked.
He unfolded a piece of paper and showed it to the camera. "But if it's a home you need - Phil Dunphy and Evelyn Harper, the best realtors in L.A.," the paper displayed their phone number.
"For massages-"
"Cut!" Conan mockingly yelled, seeing that the kid wasn't going to stop.
Lexi deadpanned, "Did you just... make ads?"
"Free advertising. Best kind," Dani agreed, making the three of them laugh.
Mischa glanced at him afterward. "After this, I think they'll invite you to a lot more interviews."
Dani shook his head. "I won't go. Too tiresome. Especially since they'd ask the same questions."
"Now," he said with a wolfish grin, "let's do some activities," as he squeezed both of their asses.
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