'Okay…then we…'
The gears inside my brain finally began to turn, allowing my thoughts to rush through.
I tightened my grip on the pencil in my hands and started to write.
I was sitting in my first period math class. And like in all math classes, I had to complete some problems.
It was Monday, the week after my conversation with Soriel.
And my life seemed to have been going better.
'Alright, everything checks out. That should be correct.'
After checking my work with my calculator, I simply sat and waited until we reviewed the question as a class.
When we did, I was pleasantly surprised.
'I'm right?!'
I let a small but joyful smile appear on my face.
Well, it should've been expected…no, required even, that I would be right.
After all, I spent the weekend studying this exact unit in order to perfect my understanding.
So after my smile faded, I sighed.
'Man, I'm drained…'
**
Silence.
I hated silence.
Whether it was being silent or surrounded by silence, I hated it nonetheless.
Silence was empty. It was cold. It was uncomfortable and it was boring.
I couldn't comprehend how anyone could like being alone in silence.
I couldn't even fall asleep in silence.
The sounds of the city, cars zooming past, ambulance sirens, the murmurs of people.
Without those, I wouldn't be able to sleep.
It gave me comfort and protection from the depth of my own thoughts.
There were very few times, and with a few people, where I didn't feel that way.
But for everything else, I felt silence suffocated me, as if I were drowning in it.
That's why I was always compelled to speak.
However, as I sat in my science class, I didn't say a word.
Mr. Bostav wasn't saying anything since we were doing independent work.
The work being, reading and answering questions about a scientific article.
During these times, I usually whispered with Nishimoya, who sat next to me.
But no, I had barely uttered any sentences since the school day started.
Because, I wanted to change.
I wanted to up my grades.
I had to give my full attention, I couldn't let myself get even bit distracted.
'From what scientists studied…'
As I read the article, I just barely resisted gritting my teeth.
I hated it.
Concealing my voice, forcing myself to keep paying attention. All of it was unbearable.
But I needed to change.
More than that though, I deserved it.
I deserved it for being so terrible.
**
"Nishimoya, what the hell is that?" I asked as I stared at her.
Nishimoya, who sat at the same table as me, was about to take a bite out of some sort of sandwich.
"My sandwich, why? Is something…"
"It looks like someone took a dead frog and cat feces, blended them up, added ketchup, and put it into a sandwich," I blurted out.
"Please don't put that image into my head…" Soriel remarked, her expression slightly disgusted.
Nishimoya frowned.
"My mother made it for me. She said it was 'healthy'. Although…she didn't tell me what the ingredients were…"
"See, that's a sign! It was made from a-ancient witchcraft," I accused.
Nishimoya just gave me a deadpan expression.
'Crap…'
Internally, I wanted to curse.
Not because of Nishimoya's reaction, but because of my stutter while saying the word ancient.
'I need to be more careful next time…'
One of the things I wanted to change was my speech.
I hated my stutter, so I wanted to stop it.
I needed to.
So, there, I made a commitment to myself. To analyze every word before I said it.
It was tiring, yes, but so what?
I needed to change, this was the way to do it.
I could handle it. No matter the inconvenience I'd be alright.
I deserved the trouble, so I could push through.
That's what I thought.
What I wanted to believe.
What I needed to believe.
**
Slam!
The door shut behind me as I entered and I quickly locked it once it did.
School had ended and I had returned home. Well, you already know that it was only a temporary 'home'.
Nevertheless, I walked through the apartment, passing by the kitchen and living room to enter the bathroom.
There, I washed my hands and my face.
After that, I changed into my pajamas.
Then, I began to do my homework.
I didn't have a lot in particular that day, so it took me only about 30 minutes.
So, I studied right after.
Filled with emptiness and boredom, I studied in that room for about an hour.
Once I did that, I took a break to eat dinner.
Then, I went right back to studying for another hour.
With every minute I studied, I felt any joy or happiness I held in my heart to slowly drain out.
After my happiness was gone, my motivation began to drain next.
My dedication came after, and then my perseverance and focus.
Eventually, there was nothing else to be drained.
But I kept going.
After all, how else was I going to change?
I needed to change my grades. This was the way to do it.
Once my painful study session was done, I took a shower.
I wanted to change how I looked, how else would I do that without good hygiene/
Then, I cleaned the entire apartment.
How else was I going to change my discipline?
After I finished that, I began to exercise for an hour.
Without that, how else would I change my physique?
There was no other way, right?
I then brushed my teeth, and went to bed early.
I was exhausted but it didn't matter.
I deserved much worse than that anyway.
Either way, it didn't matter.
Because without this…
How else would I become who I want to be?