"Hey, you boys over there! You're late! Why does it take this long just to bring one parasol?!"
"S-sorry, Chabashira. It was heavier than I expected..."
"S-s-sorry..."
The parasol was stronger than it looked.
I figured a parasol was just a parasol, no matter how heavy it was—but this thing was massive enough to cover every girl there at once, and it boasted a truly absurd weight.
Thanks to that, the two of us had no choice but to haul it over while grunting and struggling the whole way.
...Then again, maybe the real problem was that the two of us were just pathetically weak?
"You may have been late... but you still brought the parasol for everyone's sake. Thank you very much."
"Ah, Tojo... it's fine. Compared to everything you do for everyone else, this is nothing."
"....."
While Saihara and I were catching our breath for a moment, Tojo walked over to us.
'So this is the girl who's going to kill Hoshi Ryoma before long...'
For a second, I wondered if I should just ask her the truth right now, while there were still plenty of people around. But I dropped the thought almost immediately. Of course she'd deny it.
Normally, if the culprit denies the truth, you corner them with evidence.
But I didn't have anything like evidence.
Because the murder hadn't happened yet. If a detective had murder evidence before the murder even took place, wouldn't that detective be the culprit?
All I had right now were those inexplicable, almost supernatural memories, the dog I'd acquired earlier, and the counselor talent inside me that I could barely even feel—not proof that could drive Tojo into a corner.
"...K? Why are you staring at me like that?"
"Ah, it's nothing."
"Really...? All right, then... you two can go."
"Um... hey, Tojo. Since we're already here, would it be okay if I stayed and watched for a bit?"
"Hm...?"
I asked her carefully, summoning a frankly ridiculous amount of courage, and she answered with a surprised look.
"I don't mind... but are you sure?"
"What do you mean?"
"The guests for this party are 'all the girls.' Even so?"
"Ah..."
Right. I hadn't thought of that.
"I-it's not like I mean it that way! I just wanted to see Tojo working for once..."
"See me working...?"
"Yeah, I've really wanted to. Is there any way you could let me?"
"....."
The fact that she didn't instantly say no made me think this might actually be working.
"All right. Then if you're going to watch, could you help me for a little while from the side?"
"Of course. What do you want me to do?"
"Wait on the girls."
"Got it. Wait on them... just wait on... what?"
She wanted me to wait on them?
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"K... K, what exactly is that outfit...?"
"Y-you! Why are you still here, what are you even... no, forget that, what is that outfit?!"
"G-good afternoon... Today, I will be serving all of you as the Ultimate... Butler, K..."
I was regretting my life choices with every fiber of my being.
"Pwahaha! That bastard looks hilarious! Hey, get over here!"
"K... are you in your right mind right now?"
"Nyahaha~! That's funny~! Even God thinks it's hilarious~!"
The more I thought about it, the more certain I became that yes, I absolutely regretted this.
I'd accepted because I thought Tojo meant simple miscellaneous help when she said "wait on them," but then her eyes had suddenly flashed, and she went and brought back a butler outfit from her research lab.
Apparently, since it was the research lab of the [Ultimate Maid], it also had several butler uniforms lying around.
For the record, Saihara ran away, claiming he had something to do. Traitor.
Anyway, I stood there stammering at the sight of Tojo returning with the butler outfit, and before I knew it, I was wearing it while receiving a crash-course lecture in butlering from her.
And so, I ended up serving the girls as a one-day Ultimate Butler.
That said, Tojo claimed my pitiful-looking face would make it easier to lower the girls' guard... and honestly, she wasn't entirely wrong.
Everyone took one look at me and burst out laughing.
I put this thing on after making a pretty serious mental commitment... and not a single person praised me. That shock stung more than I wanted to admit.
"K-K really does suit a butler character in a plain sort of way..."
"Whew... thanks for the complim—wait a second, why are you here?!"
I was just about to sigh in relief and thank the person who'd finally complimented me, but of all people, it was Shirogane.
"Hey! Who said you could open your mouth whenever you want?"
I stared at her in bewilderment, and beside her, Iruma's expression hardened. Then she pulled out some kind of remote and pressed it.
Bzzzt!
"Hyeeeeeeek!"
Shirogane collapsed and started convulsing. What the hell was this? A laugh trigger... no, an agony trigger?
"I didn't want to leave her alone in the lab, so I brought her with me instead—and slapped my masterpiece, the [Tingly Pleasure Amplification Head Ring], on her!"
"W-what the heck is that...?"
"The instant I press this remote, a current starts flowing and she feels pleasure all over her body... no, pain! In other words, with one button, I can easily conquer Shirogane—no, neutralize her!"
"Hyeeeeee...."
"Yap, yap, yap!"
"Hrk, hyeek, hiiik!"
"...I get it, so stop already."
Shirogane was just starting to look kind of pitiful, but then I remembered she'd tried to crack my skull open with a cannonball, and the sympathy vanished in an instant.
"By the way... I don't see Harukawa anywhere...?"
"No matter how much we tried to persuade Harukawa, she refused to leave her research lab... which is truly unfortunate. Tenko wanted to see all the girls getting along together..."
"Hmm..."
Come to think of it, Tojo worried me, but Harukawa worried me just as much.
At a glance, she looked like someone carrying a mountain of emotional scars. She came from an orphanage, yet hated children. And then there was the icy attitude Ikusaba showed her... Wasn't she basically one gigantic walking cliché?
"Ikusaba... what exactly is Harukawa? And don't just say 'woof' again this time. Tell me properly."
"That... I can't tell you. It's under restriction..."
"...Tch."
"But... there is one thing I can tell you."
"Hm?"
"...Be careful."
"....."
Were all child caregivers in the world as strong as soldiers? I had no idea.
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"Hey, you there! Bring me some juice!"
"Y-yes! Right away!"
"Gloomy butler! Rub my shoulders!"
"R-right away..."
"Nyahaha~! Hey, wanna pray together?"
"I-I'm not religious..."
"K, have you forgotten the spirit of selfless public service?"
"Prayer sounds great... haha..."
I was currently fulfilling everyone's requests with dead fish eyes.
No, but seriously, hold on. Was this actually what butlers did? I'd never seen one in real life, so I couldn't say for sure... but this felt less like being a butler and more like being a slave.
"K, hang in there...!"
"K, come here. I shall show you magic."
Kind-hearted Akamatsu kept cheering me on with all her might, and Yumeno had been showing me magic this whole time. Of course, watching her magic... or rather, tricks, gave me a chance to rest, so I was more than happy to go along with it.
"Grrrr..."
"...Good girl?"
"Purr, purr..."
On another note, I'd discovered a surprisingly useful fact: whenever Ikusaba started growling, if I stroked her head, chin, or stomach, she became completely docile.
Every time I did that, the girls looked at us with deeply strange expressions, but what was I supposed to do? If I didn't handle Ikusaba like this, I couldn't handle her at all.
"I-I have one request too..."
Bzzzzzt
"...Hngh, hnghh..."
"You just shut up and wipe my feet, you lab rat!!"
Shirogane looked up at me with desperate eyes, but the moment Iruma switched on the remote, she flinched for a second and then silently began wiping Iruma's feet.
Were electric shocks really that painful?
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"Tenko is completely satisfied today! Most of all, I was deeply fulfilled when K offered himself up as the test subject for my new Neo Aikido technique!"
Just as the party was slowly winding down, Tenko started saying some truly terrifying things.
"I-is that so...?"
"I simply cannot forget that impact! Therefore, starting tomorrow, you will be my Neo Aikido practice partner!"
"W-wait... that's a little..."
"Kiiiiiieeeek! I refuse to accept objections from a degenerate male!!"
I was breaking into a cold sweat at her sudden berserk acceleration when requests started flying at me from all directions.
"That's right! Especially you, gloomy butler! You're no match for my robots, but your massages were pretty good... You should become my butler!"
"Huh?"
"My shoulders get stiff all the time when I'm inventing! So if you come work for me, I'll dismantle you and turn you into a massage machine—no, make you my personal masseur!"
"I definitely just heard something weird there."
Iruma ignored me completely and started sketching some kind of blueprint on paper while staring at me. Watching that, I swore I'd never set foot in her lab again. Then Yumeno spoke up.
"K, would you care to become my assistant?"
"Hm?"
"You're the only one who has stayed with me this long without belittling my magic as mere tricks! So, for the advancement of magic, lend me your aid!"
"E-excuse me... Yumeno!! Why would you leave me aside for a savage degenerate male like him..."
"...Yours is simply too excessive."
At that, Chabashira froze with a look of total shock. Then Angie, who'd been rolling around on a beach chair, opened her mouth.
"Nyahaha~! Instead of that, how about joining the 'student council' Angie's gonna make soon~?"
"...Student council?"
"Something like that~!"
"No, I think I'm going to be kind of busy..."
"It's God's will, so you don't get veto power~!"
I was panicking because one wrong round of waiting on people had put me on the verge of becoming k/e/y, and Akamatsu just smiled and said,
"K, you're pretty popular, huh?"
"If this is popularity... I don't want it..."
"Grrrrrrrr..."
I was answering Akamatsu's merciless comment with dead eyes when Ikusaba suddenly started growling again.
"Hm? Ikusaba... what's wro—"
"Aang."
"Ow!! That hurts! It hurts!"
I reached out to stroke her chin, wondering what her problem was this time, and Ikusaba bit my hand.
As a result, I had no choice but to wrestle with her for quite a while while she kept my hand clamped in her mouth.
"Grrrrrr... ah, what have I done..."
"...You. Go stand over there with your hands up."
"...Woof."
After struggling with her for a long while, Ikusaba finally came back to her senses, and I punished her accordingly. Then, clutching my throbbing hand, I stood there on the verge of tears, cursing whoever had dropped me into this nest of lunatics, when someone cautiously approached me.
"K, are you okay?"
"Ah... Tojo."
"I'm sorry. It seems my unnecessary actions caused you harm. I sincerely apologize."
"Ah, it's okay... this isn't your fault, Tojo..."
"I'm grateful if you think that, but I'm the type who likes to keep debts and favors perfectly clear... so I can't simply let this pass."
Tojo sat down beside me, stared straight at me, and continued.
"Because of me, it looks like various girls are going to start calling for you before long, so I'll train you properly."
"...Train me?"
"Yes. I'll be busy until evening too, so... from now on, come see me every night. I'll make time somehow and give you butler training."
"Um... how did this turn into that exactly...?"
"Then I'll see you tonight."
"....."
Tojo rose to her feet with a smile for me, then added something as if it had just occurred to her.
"Oh, and if possible, please don't bring that person over there... or dog, perhaps. She would be a considerable hindrance to butler training, where etiquette is important."
"...Got it."
"Then, excuse me."
When I nodded, Tojo gave me an elegant smile and began cleaning up around the pool.
I quietly watched her back and thought to myself,
'This... no matter how I look at it... this is definitely that, right?'
For some reason, Tojo was trying to sink her hooks into me.